


how sad a flower

by moriphyte



Series: how sad a flower [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-13 21:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 129,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5717032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“i heard that wisteria will blossom the more you beat it. that when you whisper love she cowers. that she shrivels in gentleness. collapses under kisses. is moved beneath the shock of cold. how sad a flower. i wonder her traumas. her aches. her reasons for reacting to tenderness with rage. sweet wisteria, who conditioned you to respond so lovingly to temper. i want to tend you, and the only way i know is warmly. (one of us must come undone.)”<br/>-Wisteria, <a href="http://jamieoliveira.tumblr.com/">Jamie Oliveira</a></p><p>there's a girl who protects her bruises but not herself, a boy who really needs to stop sitting outside gas stations in the rain, and a home that feels just out of reach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. walk home with my eyes low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I walk home with my eyes low  
> Dreaming up conversations we'll have tomorrow  
> Your loose ends, my new friends  
> All the classes in high school we fell asleep in  
> But now I can hardly close my eyes"  
> -Modern Baseball- [Apartment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jgp7nEnJ-GM)  
>   
> here begins Dave's habit of hanging out at gas stations and Terezi's habit of keeping secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm half asleep but here's the first chapter

** Dave **

You're probably overthinking this  
It's starting to get colder out as you sit waiting on the the curb outside the gas station for Terezi to show up. You've been waiting for at least half an hour now and you didn't think to bring anything heavier than your red sweatshirt considering its fuckin August. Rose would scold you if she were here, but Rose isn't here so its whatever.  
The longer you wait the more anxious you get to see Terezi. You haven't seen her in a while, and by a while you mean like almost a week. Usually you see each other every day but this week she hasn't been around.  
You don't know where she's been and you haven't asked her, she'll tell you if she wants to.  
Either way it'll be good to see her again. You're probably gonna go to the diner, watch some shitty movies with John and fall asleep on the couch, then you'll wake up make breakfast and watch some cartoons. The usual.   
You try to make your stomach stop feeling sick by thinking about all the cool ass shit you're going to get up to but your stomach is just not having it.   
You think that maybe it's not your anxiety to see Terezi and more just the combination of shit you ate today.  
Stale Apple Jacks, some apple juice that had been sitting out on the kicthen counter for at least a few days, a strawberry pop tart, a pink starburst you found in your pocket and now this strawberry milkshake from the gas station.  
Yeah it's probably that  
Your phone buzzes in your hands and you look down at it, moving your fingers from the glow of the screen to see the messages that just came in

 **gallowsCalibrator**   **[GC]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]**  at 11:13 am  
**GC** : hey coolkid   
**GC** : almost there  
**GC** : I'm crossing the street  
**GC** : they better have cherry icees  
**GC** : see you   
**GC** : >;]  
**TG** : ok  
**TG** : they probs do   
**TG** : don't get hit by a car or nothin  
**TG** : see you B)  
**GC** : that face is lame   
**GC** : mine is better  
**TG** : no way my face is so cool    
**GC** : what if...  
**GC** : I...  
**GC** : >B] BAM  
**TG** : oh shit  
**TG** : just get over here ya weirdo   
**turntechGodhead [TG]** ceased being trolled by  **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 11:16 am

Five minutes later you see her across the parking lot and she waves, jogging towards you  
When she reaches you she stops short and trips on the curb, landing hard on the sidewalk, "shit!"  
"Nice one Tez" you say, glancing to your side to make sure shes okay and supressing a grin  
"Hey shut up, I'm blind you ass I'm allowed to trip on shit as much as I want" she says, pushing herself up off the concrete and brushing off her shirt, which has a terrible graphic of a dragon printed on it   
"Not totally blind" you say  
"Blind enough, now give me some of that" she says, snatching the milkshake from your hands and bringing the straw to her chapped lips  
"Aw no you're gonna get your gross cherry lip smackers shit all over the straw" you say, reaching o take back your milkshake   
"You always get strawberry" she says distastefully, holding you off easily with one hand as she continues sipping at the milkshake  
"Yeah because strawberry is fuckin awesome" you say defensively, giving up on getting your milkshake back from her and shoving your hands back in your pockets   
"I'm partial to cherry" she says, taking a long, loud sip from the fat straw between her teeth   
"Yeah I know, you eat all the cherry jolly ranchers out of every fucking bag I get"  
"It's a communal bag" she says, grinning and continuing to sip at the milkshake  
"Yeah, communal for the people who live in my apartment, which is me and John, not you"  
"I may as well live there, and I don't _just_ eat the red ones, I eat the blues too" she says  
"You only eat the blues because it pisses John off"  
"True" she says, taking another sip of your milkshake  
You hear that distinctive sound of trying to sip an empty drink through a straw and look down at the milkshake in her hands  
The see through plastic sides of the cup are caked in pink and there's a layer of pink melted on the bottom but besides that the milkshake is empty  
"Yo what the hell?" You say, snatching it from her  
"I was thirsty" she says, shrugging   
"Then get your own drink" you say, looking sadly at your now empty milkshake   
"The only things to drink in our place right now are various types of alcohol and a blue icee that Vriska left sitting on the counter a week ago" she says   
"You have a sink" you say   
"Yeah and the water turns brown every time it rains, which is like every fucking day" she says  
"So what, ours does that too, doesn't stop me" you say  
"That's because you're disgusting" she says  
"No I'm not, I'm just not picky like everyone else" you say  
"Dave I've seen you eat a watermelon jolly rancher lollipop that you found on the bench at the train station" she says  
"It was unopened" you protest  
"Yeah and it also smelled like weed" she counters  
"All the more reason to eat it, besides, you shared it with me" you say, pointing at her accusingly, you are not taking blame for the lollipop on your own  
"Oh I know I'm gross I'm just saying that you're gross too" she says  
You groan and push yourself up from the curb, tossing the empty plastic smoothie cup into the overflowing trash can. It hits the edge and bounces off, rolling down the curb and into the parking lot. You just stand there watching it before sighing, offering her your hand to Terezi, and letting her drag you inside.  
You get an extra large cherry icee and a pack of fave reds starbursts. Terezi gets the cherry and the fruit punch and you get the strawberry and the watermelon.  
You walk down the street towards the diner, Terezi sipping loudly at her icee as you try to avoid the overly agressive cyclists on shitty old sticker covered road bikes.  
"How many stickers do you think are on that dude's bike?" Terezi asks from beside you  
You look up at a dark haired boy with his earphones in playing shitty hardcore music way too loud as he passes you on his bike.  
"Well most of them are produce stickers, they only count for half a point" you say, looking at all the faded barcode stickers on the chipping purple paint of the bike  
"I'm going to say...fourty three points" Terezi says as the boy passes you and continues his way down the road  
"I don't know Tez, I think there's more" you say  
"Well I think there's fourty three" she says  
"Well I think you're blind"  
"Partially blind" she corrects, grinning at you  
"Same thing"  
"We should play the game" she says  
"What game, we have a lot of games" you ask  
"The coexist one" she says  
It's one of your favorite of your stupid sticker games in which you try to see how many of those cheesy coexist stickers you can find before you reach your destination, whoever has the most wins, "hell yeah we should"

  
Between cars and bikes and telephone poles you have a total of eighteen by the time you reach the diner, you with eleven and Terezi with seven  
"No fair, I'm blind" she whines, "I call bullshit"  
"Partially blind" you correct, grinning at her  
She flips you off  
You pull open the doors of the diner walk inside onto the sticky tile floor and head for your booth in the back right by the windows  
Terezi slides into her seat and you plop down across from her, stretching your arms above your head  
The waitress comes over and takes your order, two cups of coffee extra crispy hash browns and a short stack of french toast  
"So" you say as you pour your fifth container of creamer into your coffee, "what's up with the great TZ?"  
She doesn't answer at first, focused on pouring a disgusting amount of sugar into her coffee, "not much, just hanging out"   
"Anywhere good?"  
She shrugs, still pouring the sugar, "mostly those grimy backdoor places where they play really shitty grind core music"  
"You mean the ones that are basically just a room filled with drug smoke?" You ask  
"What the fuck is 'drug smoke', just say weed" she says  
"Weed isn't the only drug being smoked there, I gotta generalize, be inclusive of all drugs, I ain't about discrimination" you say  
"Thats true, I don't know what half the shit those people are on even is. Gamzee usually leaves halfway through the show to meet one of his stupid dealer friends anyway and I can enjoy the air that isn't literal poison" she says, nodding  
Your stomach drops  
"Gamzee?"  
She doesn't answer and looks to the side, avoiding eye contact. In her distraction she shifts so that the sugar is pouring into the table instead of into her cup  
"Uh, Tez"  
She doesn't answer  
"Tez"  
"What? She asks, looking up  
You point to her cup and she looks down to see the sugar piling on the table  
"Shit" she says, turning the sugar upright  
"That's what you get for being gross" you say  
"Okay mister eight fucking packets of creamer you come talk to me when you're not basically drinking caffeinated milk" she says, sliding the sticky glass sugar container to the side and placing her coffee cup against the edge of the table  
"Oh my god don't" you say  
She grins, sticks out her tongue, and brushes the sugar into her cup  
"You're so fucking gross"  
"Thank you" she says, taking a big gulp of coffee  
You start picking at the burnt hash browns as you settle into a heavy silence, both sipping at your coffee  
Terezi's phone hums against the table and you see her glance at it but she doesn't make any effort to reply  
You have a feeling its a certain pot head clown that really needs to shower more than once a month but thats just a feeling. You haven't seen him in weeks, but that's not really all that unusual. Dude disappears a lot, the only people that usually know where he is are Karkat and Terezi and sometimes they don't even know. Then again you tend to go out of your way not to see him so it might just be that  
You know its stupid for you to be anxious about her having been with Gamzee, he's her friend and they've known each other for years, even longer than you and her, but you've never liked him much. He unsettles you, always has, you can't place it but something about him is just off.  
Something hits you in the face and you're broken from your thoughts.  
Terezi is laughing, plastic straw held by her mouth, and you look down to see a crumpled straw wrapper on the table next to your coffee cup  
"I fuckin hate you, you know that" you say, rubbing at your cheek like it actually hurt  
"I love you too, coolkid" she says, placing the straw between her teeth and maneuvering it into the cheap plastic cup of water  
She sips at her water, purposefully slurping and you abandon the hash browns for your caffeinated milk  
The waitress brings the french toast and Terezi immediately grabs the sticky maple syrup bottle and drowns it in syrup  
"You're so fuckin gross" you say but you use your fork to cut yourself a piece anyway  
"You know you love maple syrup" she says through a full mouth  
"...true" you admit  
Her phone hums a few more times but she ignores it and once you've drained your coffee and finished off the french toast leaving only a sticky crummy plate, you leave what you owe and head back to your place

  
Once you get to the apartment, racing each other up the stairs, you stumble through the door into the kitchen  
You kick off your shoes and Terezi does the same  
"Yo John you here?" You call  
"Yeah, wait a sec I'm in the middle of something" he calls  
"Jerking off again?" You ask  
"Shut the fuck up I'm gaming"  
"Yeah I don't believe you"  
A shoe comes flying out of the bedroom and rolls to a stop on the kitchen floor  
Even though he can't see you you flip him off and head over to the living room  
Your apartment is basically just a rectangle, one room and a bathroom, a hallway, and a kitchen and living room all in the same place  
Terezi jumps on the futon and grabs the remote, turning the tv on  
You grab the open box of Apple Jacks off the counter and plop down next to her  
You dig your hand into the box as Terezi flips through channels  
"What're we watching?" You ask, stuffing a handful of Apple Jacks in your mouth  
"I'm feeling Criminal Minds" she says   
"I'm always a slut for Criminal Minds" you say  
She rolls her eyes and brings up Netflix  
She selects Criminal Minds and starts scrolling through the seasons and episodes  
She stops on an episode in season three, 'Lucky'  
"Is this the cannibal satanist one?" You ask, digging more Apple Jacks out of the box  
"Yeah, it's my favorite" she says, selecting the episode and pressing play just as John walks into the room  
"Sup nerd" Terezi says, not looking up from the tv  
John rolls his eyes and sits down on the chair, putting his feet up on the coffee table  
"What are you watching?" he asks, leaning forward to see the tv  
"What do you think dude?" You ask  
He sighs, "Criminal Minds?"  
"Yup" Terezi says, sitting back and turning up the volume  
John groans  
"You're gonna love this one, it's about a serial killer cannibal" you say  
"Don't forget satanist" Terezi says  
"Oh my fucking god come on" John says, letting his head fall back against the back of the chair dramatically  
Terezi laughs  
John flips her off but settles down to watch  
You continue watching it for the rest of the night  
The whole time you can feel the humming of Terezi's phone against your side but she never even checks it  
By the time Terezi has fallen asleep against you John seems to actually be invested in the show  
"Alright I'm going to bed, I have to go to work tomorrow" John says, standing and stretching his arms above his head  
"Okay, night" you say, not really paying attention as he walks out of sight   
You turn off the tv and take your feet off the coffee table  
You glance at Terezi who is asleep against you, snoring and drooling on your sweatshirt  
With her thick black hair falling to the side you see something dark on her skin and lean closer to look  
It's a discoloration on her light skin, pale blue and yellow, a bruise  
Your stomach sinks   
You try to calm yourself, she probably just ran into something, she does it all the time, but you still have a bad feeling about it  
Next to you her phone buzzes and you glance over  
It's hard to see in the dark with your albino eyes but you still make out a name

  
\---34 unread messages from **terminalyCapricious [TC]**

  
You look away and move Terezi's head from your lap so you can get up  
You haul Terezi up with some difficulty and head to your room where you set her down on your mattress and toss your phone on the stack of vinyls beside your bed

You yawn and pull your comforter up to cover both of you  
She stirs a little beside you but almost immediately starts snoring again and drooling on your pillow  
You turn over and plug your phone in  
Beside you her phone continues to hum and you pull your weed leaf patterned sheets up over your head to block it out  
You fall asleep thinking of making a dubstep remix of the Campfire Song Song and that week in middle school when Bro left you and you and Dirk had a dare going to see who could live on Doritos and orange soda for the longest but the phone is still there beside you, distracting you from your incredibly important night time thoughts   
Even in your sleep it hums


	2. flowers or weeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Little deeds are like little seeds, they grow to flowers or to weeds."  
> -Daniel D. Palmer
> 
> Terezi ignores her messages and everyone watches bad horror movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's writing fucking Homestuck fic on the train again

**Terezi**

You wake up to the sound of a shitty pop punk remix of 'How Do I Live' and the smell of dirty socks  
You open your bleary eyes to see John on the other side of the room pulling on his shoes  
“Yeah Rose, I’m leaving now"  
“What?”  
"Did the drainage bucket overflow?"  
“Fuck, I’ll be right there”  
He hangs up his phone and tosses it on the bed, picking up a half eaten toaster strudel and taking a bite. He puts his foot up on the mattress and tries to tie his shoes while eating  
“Yo John” Dave says, pulling the blanket from over his face  
“What Dave, I’m in a hurry” John says through a mouth full of toaster strudel  
“It would be super fuckin cool if you didn’t make a shit load of noise every morning”  
John makes a face and flips him off, leaning over to tap the tank beside his bed. Inside the little yellow salamander, Casey, is still asleep. John uses his free hand to grab a piece of lettuce from beside the tank and drop it in.  
He grabs his phone and bag off the bed swallows the last of the toaster strudel and jogs out the bedroom door  
"Later looser" you call waving your hand above you in goodbye  
You hear the door open and close and then there's silence  
"I swear one day I'm gonna fucking kill him" Dave says, sitting up and stretching  
He leans over to grab his phone and you yawn  
"You making breakfast?" You ask, pushing yourself up and feeling around for your phone  
"If by breakfast you mean knock off toaster strudel and Apple Jacks then yes, I am making breakfast"  
"You are a true connoisseur of fine dining, Dave" you say  
"And breathing" he says, getting up from the mattress grabbing a pair of ninja turtle pajama pants off the floor, pulling them on over his boxers and padding out of the room into the kitchen  
You stand as well, stretching your arms above your head emitting a crack from your upper back  
On the bed something hums, lighting up under the sheets  
You lean over and push the sheets aside, pulling your phone from beneath  
The blurry screen displays that you have thirty seven new messages  
Three are from Vriska, nearly illegible drunk texts, and the others are from Gamzee  
Your stomach twists as you consider replying, your finger hovering over the screen  
"Yo Tez you comin?" Dave calls from the kitchen  
Yeah you're not dealing with this right now  
"Yeah, be right there" you call, shoving your phone in the pocket of Dave's hoodie that you're wearing and walking into the kitchen  
Dave is already at the counter shoving toaster strudels in the little toaster and dancing around to some really bad alternative rap that by the sound of it was recorded live at a show  
"Sup Tez" he says and without turning around he tosses you the roll of icing packets for the toaster strudels  
You catch it against your chest and come to stand beside him  
It's cramped because the kitchen is so small but you're used to it by now, you are the master at tiny kitchens, the master is you  
"Did you start the coffee yet?" You ask  
"Nah, too busy toastin these strudels. They gotta be done to perfection, Dave Strider don't settle for no half baked strudels" he says  
You roll your eyes and grab the tub of instant coffee off the counter in front of you and two coffee mugs out of the sink  
"What is this?" You ask, looking at one of the mugs with a shitty jpeg of Matthew Mcnoghahay's face printed on it and then at him  
"It's John's, he made them with some stupid program he downloaded. He made me one of my man Snoop"  
"What program?"  
"No idea but it gave him a computer virus" he says  
You laugh, "I want one with Thomas Gibson on it" you say, looking closer at the coffee cup  
"Who the fuck is Thomas Gibson?"  
"Hotch from Criminal Minds"  
"The one that never smiles?"  
"He smiled like...twice"  
"Tell John to make you one" he says  
"I will" you say, filling the first cup with hot water from the tap  
You stop before filling the second mug and squint at it  
"Ew this one has milk caked all on it" you say, sticking out your tongue  
He turns and looks into the cup as you tip it so he can see  
"Oh, John likes to eat cereal out of that and he never washes it out right"  
"He's disgusting" you say, rinsing the mug and then filling it with hot water  
You take a scoop of instant coffee mix and dump it into both cups  
As you stir the coffee and get the milk and sugar from the other side of the counter as the toaster pops causing it to shake crumbs all over the old scratched up plastic countertop  
Dave fist pumps, "fuck yeah toasted strudels"  
You grin and pour a ridiculous amount of sugar into your coffee while Dave tries to pull the toaster strudels out of the toaster without burning himself  
Eventually he just takes the toaster and turns it upside down, shaking the toaster strudels and a pile of crumbs onto the counter  
"Why did you turn it upside down?" You ask, taking a sip of your coffee to see if there's enough sugar in it  
There isn't  
"Because I can never get it out without burning my fingers" he says, picking the toaster strudels up off the counter and blowing the crumbs onto the sink  
"Just use a fork" you say as you pour more sugar in your coffee  
"I'm not falling for that, who do you think I am, John?" he asks  
You laugh at the memory of tricking John into shocking himself on the toaster  
"You're gonna get that kid killed"  
"Nah, John's tough" you say  
"No, I don't think you understand" he says, stopping and looking at you, "John's an idiot"  
"Oh I know he's an idiot, why do you think I do it, that's what makes it fun"  
He rolls his eyes and goes back to the toaster strudel  
"How many did you make?" You ask  
"I could only fit four so two for you and two for me"  
"I'm using four icing packets on each" you say  
"This is why I always run out of icing and end up having to eat this shit plain"  
You push in beside him and start working on icing your toaster strudels  
Dave doesn't like a lot of icing anyways so he just used some to draw pictures on top, today it's a dick and a weed leaf, typical   
You grab two plastic plates out of the sink for your toaster strudel and your mugs of coffee  
Dave fills his coffee the rest of the way with milk and you grab the open box of Apple Jacks on the counter  
You carry everything to the living room, Dave runs back to the kitchen to grab his apple juice and you both plop down on the futon  
"What should we watch?" Dave asks, already starting on the weed leaf toaster strudel  
"Hmm, how about Avatar?" You say  
"The Last Airbender or the blue people"  
"The good one"  
He nods and flips through the DVR recordings until he finds it and clicks on the first episode on the list of recordings   
It's some episode from the second season but you're not really paying attention  
Between Dave's constant unnecessary commentary, stuffing your face with toaster strudel and trying to ignore your phone humming beside you, you really don't have the focus for anything else  
You know it's Gamzee and you know you should just answer the messages but right now all you want is to chill with Dave and not think about all the shit you have going on  
"Why does no one recognize Zuko"? Dave asks, shoving a handful of Apple Jacks in his mouth and chasing it with apple juice straight from the carton  
"I mean, the dude's got a huge red scar on his face, how can you not recognize him"  
"I don't know Dave, why does no one recognize you from your many shitty jpeg comic blogs?" You ask  
"Yo I get recognized on the street all the time, dudes be comin up to me like 'yo your shit is tight,' I be getting so many high fives my hands are sore, shits crazy" he says  
You laugh, lick the last of the icing and crumbs from your plate and drop it on the coffee table  
"Let's watch Lost Tapes", you say, reaching over and taking the box of cereal from him  
"I think I have some recorded" Dave says, switching back over to the DVR  
"Okay we got Jersey Devil, Dover Demon and Swamp Creature" he says  
"Dover Demon" you say, shoving a handful of Apple Jacks in your mouth and ignoring your phone humming beside you, "I haven't seen that one yet"

You and Dave spend the rest of the day watching episodes of Lost Tapes and eating junk food  
By the time John gets home at 3:30 Dave is slumped all the way down on the futon with his legs up on the coffee table taking gulps of apple juice out of the carton every few minutes and you're curled up hugging the box of Apple Jacks against your chest and licking the stickiness left by the sugary cereal off your fingers  
You hear them coming down the hallway but for some reason you don't register them until the door opens and John walks inside, talking loudly to someone behind him  
You recognize the loud, dramatically drawn out vowels immediately and you only have time to look down at your shaking hands as someone else enters behind him and you find yourself under the intense gaze of Vriska Serket's one blue eye  
You haven't seen her in about a week which should be a feat considering that you live together and share a room but you also don't underestimate your own ability to avoid her when you're in a fight. The last time you saw her you weren't exactly on good terms. Something about her never cleaning up her shit and it getting on your side of the room, also about her drinking all your cherry Svedka when she was drunk, something predictably stupid.  
Vriska is your sister and she always will be, but she can be a bitch to deal with and sometimes you really don't feel like it so you had left rather than continue to argue.  
  
After your argument with Vriska you had gone to Gamzee and Karkat's, as you usually do, and after listening to you bitch about Vriska for a half hour Karkat had told you that you should just move in with them. He and Gamzee share a bedroom so they have a spare room you could use and you were there all the time anyway so really it made sense, they were two of your best friends, besides Dave or course, but you couldn't exactly move in with him and John in his one bedroom apartment. 

At one point it was more than that for you and Karkat but you were stupid and thirteen and it didn't end up going anywhere. You're just friends now, just like you and Dave are after your break up in high school, and you're both happy with that.  
You and Gamzee, that's more complicated. It started when you were fifteen, just some harmless messing around that continued on as a casual thing throughout high school, you're actually pretty sure its the reason Dave ended things with you and him but he would never admit to it. It was good but like any good thing in your life there were problems, like the reason you left to stay at Dave's in the first place. 

  
Gamzee's always been on shit. When he was really young, before you met, and his dad was still around he used to force feed him pills so he didn't have to deal with his out of control energy. The first time he drank you were eight, Vriska had just moved in with you after her mom got arrested and Kurloz had come home with some shitty wine coolers that he got from god knows where. You didn't drink any, just smelled it, but Gamzee and Vriska did. After that Gamzee started to drink and smoke whenever his brother did, which was often, and soon he was doing it by himself to the point that by the time you got to middle school he was high every day. All his money went to weed, even when he needed more medication or food, drugs always came first. You used to have to make him eat because he would forget. When you were thirteen he started seeing things. Apparently it ran in the family, only a year later Kurloz would end up making himself mute in a particularly bad episode. This just made him worse. He stayed high to keep away the things he saw and heard, you tried to get him to take medicine but he refused, he hated doctors, so he self medicated. A year later he started dealing and ever since then it's only gotten worse. You thought maybe it was harmless then, you were young and stupid, you joked about it, laughed when he came to school high and ate all your lunch, skipped your lunch period to hang out with him outside when he got out of school suspension for having drugs in his locker like an idiot. But the more he did it the less you found it funny and the more you worried about him, given the fact that he was failing all his classes and would disappear for days on end. Your attempts to stop him from drinking and smoking just got you brushed off with a "its all good baby girl, don't be gettin your worry on about me." If you tried to push it after that, he either checked out completely or he got angry. He would say and do things that thinking back were actually mean but at the time you couldn't see it, you were blind, you always have been when it came to him. If you made a comment about his drug use or his drinking, he commented that you should spend less time worrying about him and more time worrying about your little boyfriend, who at the time was Dave. That was when you and him had first started messing around and whenever he wanted to hurt you he made sure to remind you how shitty what you were doing was. It's almost like he enjoyed the way it hurt you. You thought it was just him being a shitty teenager, he was upset when he found out that his dad had died when you were in sophomore year, but in the three years since then he's just been getting worse. He says things, mean things, things meant to hurt. You try not to let it get to you, you tell yourself he's just being an asshole, that it will stop when he comes down from whatever high he's on, but you can't help the way his words hurt when they hit home. He gets angry for no reason, yells, breaks things, if you didn't know him so well it would almost be scary. When you were in your senior year of high school he got angry while you were helping him catch up on homework so he could graduate and he threw your biology textbook at the wall barely missing your head, as far as you know the dent is still in your old bedroom wall.

You were hanging out yesterday while Karkat was at work, just chilling and watching Criminal Minds. You had been trying to get through the sixth season together, you had seen it before of course, it was your favorite show, but you wanted him to watch it too. He was smoking, and drinking, nothing really out of the ordinary. Except when he smoked he was calm, when he drank he could get out of control, and when he got out of control things went bad fast. First it was just a blunt and a beer. Then he was taking out his bong and by the time he was done the living room floor was covered in empty cans of Pabst. You thought it was funny, he drunkenly commented on the show and you laughed, giving your own commentary. Half way through season six he was drunk and high off his ass and you decided to cut him off, you could go to bed after the next episode and he could sleep it off.  
He didn't like that.  
When you told him that he'd probably had enough he ignored you, when you said it again he said no and reached for another beer. You grabbed his arm, pulling it away from the nearly empty 64 and he hit you hard enough to knock you onto your back. You found yourself pinned down on the couch as he leaned close and spit "shut up, bitch" in your ear.  
Soon after that he passed out on the couch leaving you still shaking  
You went outside, waiting for Karkat to come home, and trying to stop yourself from shaking  
You touched your hand to your face and felt the dull pain of an already forming bruise on your jaw  
When you finally stopped shaking you went numb and realized you needed to go inside before Karkat got home, he couldn't see you like this, so you went back inside and locked yourself in the bathroom  
You sat on the sticky linoleum floor for what felt like hours, hugging Pyralspite to your chest  
You don't know what made you do it, but your mind just wouldn't stop and you felt so numb and all you wanted to do was feel better. You knew it was fucked up but you also knew that it made you feel better, fucked up or not.  
So you took out your knife, the one Dave gave you when you were thirteen, the dragon one his Bro got him at an anime con  
You didn't think, you did it quick, on your upper left arm, and you held a wet towel from the bathroom floor against your arm until the blood stopped  
It worked, your mind was calm and you could feel again, but there was still that sickness in your stomach  
It wasn't the first time you'd done it, but it had been a while  
It started when you were eighteen, but you'd come to realize since that it had been around a lot longer, since you were fifteen or sixteen, that stupid sickness in your stomach  
You learned that the only way to really make the sickness stop was to sleep so you curled up in Karkat's bed and passed out  
Apparently he didn't have the heart to wake you up because the next morning you were still there and he was shaking you awake  
Gamzee was already gone doing god knows what so you and Karkat had breakfast and coffee in heavy silence  
When he left for work at the diner you messaged Dave and left with your coffee still in hand  
The messages from Gamzee had already started coming in but you ignored them, choosing instead to go meet Dave at the gas station  
But the messages didn't stop despite your best efforts to ignore them and you're still thinking about them as John and Vriska walk into the kitchen.  
"Sup John, Vriska" Dave says, waving a hand in greeting  
"Hey nerd" you say  
"Hey dude, hey Terezi" John responds, walking into the living room to join you  
Vriska follows him, glancing at you but not saying anything  
"So is Karkat coming?" Dave asks, opening up Netflix on the tv  
"Yeah he gets off work at 8:00" John says  
"Greeeeaaaat, we'll have to watch shitty romcoms all night" Vriska says, groaning and squeezing in beside John on the chair, throwing her long skinny legs over his and letting her head fall back dramatically  
"Yeah but until then we can watch bad Netflix horror movies" Dave says, grinning and going to the horror section  
"I'm up for that" John says  
Vriska shrugs, "I guess it's better than romcoms"  
"Vriska you love bad horror movies and you know it" you say  
"Bitch you don't know me" she says, giving you a grin   
It eases the sickness in your stomach, but not totally  
"So what should we watch?" John asks  
"I vote Insidious" Dave says, that's his go to horror movie.  
"No way, that movie has that creepy music from the first episode of Spongebob in it, you know the one I'm talking about, when the anchovies come to the Krusty Krab" John says  
"Well I like it" Vriska says  
"Me too" you add  
"What about Donnie Darko?" John asks  
"No way dude I am not in the mood for a headache right now, also that's not a horror movie" Dave says  
"Yeah but it's weird" John says  
"What about The Descent?" You ask  
"Is that the one where that group of girls go cave spelunking and get stuck and those creepy goblin things kill them all" Dave asks  
"One lives" You say  
"Spoilers!" John says, glaring at you  
You grin at him and shrug, "oops"  
"You're the worst" he says  
"Thank you I try"  
"So which one are we watching? This is taking foreeeevvvveeeerrrr" Vriska groans  
"Why don't we just pick a random one from the suggestions and go from there" John says  
"If it will shut you all up" you say  
Dave nods, "random terrible Netflix horror movies it is"  
You spend the next two hours watching bad horror movies, one about a group of Australian serial killers, Snowtown, and one you weren't really paying attention to, distracted by your phone  
You're broken from your distraction by an argument between John and Dave  
"I'm telling you dude, it's a real story" Dave says  
"No way, real people did not do that shit"  
"They're real serial killers look I just looked it up, they're called the Snowtown murders, and people have done way worse dude, don't you know like anything about serial killers?"  
"Still don't believe you" John says smugly  
"Oh my god"  
The argument is interrupted when the door opens and Karkat walks in with his characteristically heavy footsteps  
"Sup KK" Dave says, waving  
Vriska lets her head lull to the side and grins, "heeeeeeeey Karkat"  
"Douchebag" he says to Dave and turns to Vriska, "bitch"  
She grins wider  
"Sure just walk in without knocking because this is totally your apartment" John says  
"Terezi does it" Karkat says, gesturing towards you as he takes a seat beside Dave  
"I don't want her here either"  
"Too bad cause you're not getting rid of me" you say, grinning at him   
He groans  
"What are we watching?" Karkat asks  
"Why is that the first thing everyone asks?" Vriska says  
"Because we're watching movies, duh dur" you say, sticking ou your tongue  
John narrows his eyes at you, "you know I hate when you do that"  
You grin, "why do you think I do it?"  
"Okay enough with the lame smack talk can we just decide what we're watching already" Karkat says  
"Thank you" Vriska agrees, gesturing to Karkat  
"We were watching bad Netflix horror movies but we can change it up, you got any ideas" Dave asks  
"Well actually I just heard about this new-"  
"No" Vriska interrupts  
"What?" Karkat asks, glaring at her  
"We're not watching romcoms"  
"How do you know that's what I'm going to suggest?" Karkat asks  
"Because it's what you always suggest" John says  
"Hey how about Top of the Lake?" Dave asks, stopping on the suggested title  
"I think that's a tv show dude" John says  
"Oh, well it looks good, Ima put it on my list"  
"Let's just watch The Descent" Vriska says  
"I'm good with that" you say and Dave nods in agreement  
"I can't really disagree" John says  
"That's right because I'm always right and you know it" Vriska says, grinning and giving him a gross spitty kiss on the cheek  
"Gross" Dave says  
"You shit zippers are missing out on a great movie, it's-" Karkat starts  
"Karkat shut up" you say, effectively silencing him  
You all huddle together to watch as its now dark outside  
By the end of the movie Karkat is legitimately freaked out and John is laughing  
"That was so bad" he says  
"No it wasn't, I liked it" Vriska says  
"Yeah, bad"  
"Hey, I thought you had to be on my side" she says, jabbing him in the side with her bony elbow  
"Hey I'm just kidding, you know I love your movie taste, no need to break out the elbow" John says, rubbing his side  
She grins, "I knew you would see the light"  
"You're so disgusting" Karkat says, wrinkling his nose at them  
"Yes, yes we are" John says  
"I don't know about you" Vriska jumps up off of John's lap, "but I'm going to bed" she says, grabbing John and pulling him up after her  
She winks at him and his face breaks into that goofy smile that makes you want to hit him  
"Night losers" Vriska says as she pulls John through the kitchen and into the bedroom leaving just you Dave and Karkat  
"Well I'm not going in there" Dave says, "you guys staying over?"  
Before you can think to much on it you say, "yeah"  
Karkat looks at you, "I should probably go, Gamzee's usually back from wherever the fuck he goes at night by now"  
You bite the inside of your lip at the mention of Gamzee's name  
Karkat stands up and pulls on his hoodie  
"See ya bro" Dave says, flopping back onto the futon  
"Strider, Terezi"  
"Wait" you say, standing up  
Karkat frowns at you in confusion  
"I'll walk down with you, I have to go to the gas station anyway"  
"What could you possibly need at the gas station at 10:00 at night?" Karkat asks  
"Doritos, duh"  
Dave fist pumps from behind you, "yesss, get the cool ranch ones"  
"Whatever" Karkat says, turning for the door  
Dave waves goodbye from his place sprawled out on the futon and you follow Karkat out the door  
The door closing behind you is the last sound you hear before you're left standing in the dark empty hallway in silence  
Karkat pulls up his hood shoves his hands in his pockets and heads for the stairs without saying anything  
When you get outside the air is cold and you hug yourself, wishing you brought your hoodie  
"So what's going on with you?" Karkat asks  
Your stomach drops  
"What?"  
"About you moving in, you just left yesterday without saying anything to me or Gamzee" he says  
You let out a breath of relief  
He doesn't know  
"Yeah, I guess me and Vriska are okay again but I don't know, maybe..."  
"Well let me know whatever you want to do" he says, hunching over against the cold and averting his eyes  
You don't know what's up with him lately but everything just feels...uncomfortable  
You don't like it  
"Okay" you say and before you can think too much on it you pull him into a hug  
"You smell like cherries" you say against his hood  
He stiffens and then starts to shake in what you think is a laugh, "you're ridiculous"  
You watch him walk down the street and head back inside  
You never had any intention of going to the gas station, you just needed to talk to Karkat, Dave probably won't even be awake when you get back anyway  
As you thought, he is not. When you get back in the apartment Dave is curled up asleep on the futon hugging one of the misshapen pillows against his chest   
You shake your head and push him to the side, which is easy because he's short and skinny as fuck, and pull out the futon  
Shoving another pillow under his head you grab a blanket off the ground and pull it over both of you  
Beside your pillow your phone hums and you pick it up to look at the blinding light of the screen in the dark  
All the messages are from Gamzee  
You feel vaguely sick as you read them and your fingers shake as they hover over the keyboard  
Your wrists suddenly ache and you can feel the dull throbbing of the bruise on your jaw  
Finally you take a deep breath and type a response

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling  **terminallyCapricious [TC]**  at 1:33 am  
**GC** : its okay   
**GC** : it was an accident  
**GC** : just don't be such a dick next time >:]  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling  **terminallyCapricious [TC]**  at 1:34 am

You lock your phone and shove it under your pillow

You should probably go back to your and Vriska's place tomorrow but that's not really something you feel like thinking about right now  
As you close your eyes you think that maybe you shouldn't have brushed it off like that, it wasn't your usual messing around, it was more than that. He hit you, and it hurt too.  
But it's easier to just brush it off. You laugh to yourself, he's such a wreck, but he's your wreck and you love him for it  
Some part of you knows it isn't funny but you ignore that part of you  
It's a lot easier to ignore it


	3. girl you know you gotta watch your health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now it's gonna be, tough on me  
> But I will wait forever  
> I need someone now to look into my eyes and tell me  
> Girl you know you gotta watch your health"  
> -Grimes- [Oblivion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5H-YlcMSbc)  
>  
> 
> Terezi coninues her habit of keeping secrets and Gamzee thinks back to a day three years ago when they skipped class and went to the park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been taking the train into the city on my days off work and the earphone jack on my phone is broken so I can't listen to music so this is what I'm doing  
> [also here are some sketches I did when writing this chapter](http://apiphyte.tumblr.com/post/157122195420/some-sketches-i-did-while-writing-chapter-three-of)  
> 

**Gamzee**

You take a breath and blow smoke from your mouth into the cold winter air. It's snowing this morning and the brick buildings of the city are warm with the hum of people gathering together to keep out of the cold.  
You open the door of the the coffee shop you were eating breakfast in and your breath turns to smoke in the cold air. Rose looks up from the espresso machine she is cleaning and raises her hand in a wave, a smile on her painted black lips. You tip your head her way with a warm smile and a wink. She shakes her head and goes back to cleaning up the coffee grounds around the espresso machine.  
When the door closes behind you the unintelligible sounds of conversation and music are cut off and you are left out in the quiet. You smile and listen to the human noise of the city. The hum of your home.

  
As you walk down the street you think about Terezi. She lives close, the way you grew up. Back then the space between your windows was small enough that when you both sat in them your legs would touch. You remember being thirteen and sitting in your window letting your long legs hang over the alley. She sat across from you, kicking her legs so that her bare feet hit your shins. That was in the summer when it was too hot to stay in the apartment. You would stay up there all day and talk and laugh or just sit in comfortable silence. Warm summer nights of forgotten conversation, meaningless words, sweet smells, feeling at home. You live with your best bro Karkat now but you've been talking with Terezi about her moving in with you. She already spends a lot of her time at your place and she's been fighting with her bitchin sis a lot lately. She spends more of her time at Strider's but he doesn't have any room at his place for her to move in, which is good for you. You want your girl closer, also you don't like Strider. Dude's a douche, all sunglasses and shitty alternative raps, you can see right the fuck through him. You don't like Terezi hangin with him but they've been friends for years so theres not really any breaking them up. There's something special with those two, something you've always been a little envious of. It used to be you she was close with like that, but its not like that anymore.  
After what happened last week she's been ignoring your messages with the exception of one response just brushing it off. She said it was okay, you were drunk, and it was true, you were drunk, but you don't know if it was actually okay. When you tried to talk to her again she ignored you, you haven't seen her in almost a week and you're getting impatient, you need to see her, need to be around her, like always. Oh well, if she won't come to you you're just going to have to go to her.  
You walk passed your building to the row of houses down the street and walk around the side. You knock on the cold glass of the window you know to be hers and wait. It takes another knock before you hear her characteristic fast and heavy little steps coming your way.  
The curtains part and she looks at you, blinking her blind eyes behind the glass. She hesitates before unlocking the window and pushing it up just enough for her to lean down and look at you. She looks worse than when you saw her last week. The bruise you gave her has darkened and there are dark circles under her pale almond eyes  
"Gamzee" she says, looking up at you, "what are you doing here?"  
"I'm just here to motherfuckin check up on my girl, see how ya doin" you say.  
"Yeah well you checked on me here I am you can leave now" she says, moving to close the window but you catch the edge, forcing the window all the way up so you can really look at her.  
"You don't look too good, come on baby girl, how many times I got to be apologizin" You say.  
She sighs and chews on her bottom lip before looking back up at you, "fine." She steps aside to let you take the opportunity to crawl inside the little apartment through the window. She shuts the window behind you and pulls the curtains closed again with a finality and then shes walking out of the room and you're following lazily behind her.  
She walks into the kitchen and to the counter were there is a coffee pot, used coffee mugs and a half full bowl of cereal with milk crusting on the sides  
You throw your coat on the mess of a counter and jump up onto one of the bar stools sitting beside it. It looks like it came from one of those cheap 50's diners and the vinyl of the seat is cracking, revealing the yellowed stuffing inside.  
She takes out the coffee pot, filling it with hot water and putting in the coffee grounds. She busies herself with this and you busy yourself with spinning on the bar stool.  
You close your eyes and enjoy the smell of coffee and the warmth of the electric heat in the apartment, even though it kinda smells like something is burning. You listen to the hum of the heater and the sound of the coffee machine and it feels like home.  
"Do you want coffee?" She asks.  
You catch your foot on the counter to stop your spinning and hang your head back to look at her, "sure thing baby girl" you say. She gives you a tight smile and goes back to the coffee.  
She hasn't been doing so good lately, you know her well enough to tell. She sleeps too much or too little and most of the time she just sits with you on the couch and watches tv. She still smiles and accompanies you to the gas station in the middle of the night to get slurpees and cigarettes and comes with you to shows but she's not the same when she does it. Today she looks especially bad and you think maybe you have some part in why. She holds onto herself like she's breaking apart and her hands are the only thing keeping her together. You wonder what it would be like to watch her break.  
She leans on the counter, stirring sugar into your coffee the way you like it bouncing her bare foot on the linoleum kitchen floor. You watch her, focusing on her ass and wondering how pissed she would get if you went over and grabbed it. You decide not to go for it, usually you would but right now she's less than happy with you and not in her usual annoyed way, this is different. You really fucked up this time and you know it.  
Even so you're tired of watching her, you want to talk to her, touch her, see what she's thinking. You jump up in one motion, feet landing softly on the dirty floor. Her shoulders tense but she keeps stirring the coffee like she didn't hear you get up.  
You walk behind her and put a hand on the counter beside hers, taking your other hand and putting it on her shoulder. She tenses but doesn't move away, "get off Gamzee" she says, tired and exasperated  
"Aw now girl" you move your head to lean on her shoulder and drop your hand to her waist and she spins on you, "would you stop." You look down at her and smile, "stop motherfuckin what?" She's still holding the spoon she was using to stir the coffee and she raises it at you but you catch her arm easily and the spoon clatters to the floor.  
You look at her raised hand and then back at her. "Now what was that?" You ask.  
"I told you to get off" she says, looking down at the floor. "Baby girl you know you don't be wantin that, we should get our talk on" you say, brushing your hand on her bruised cheek. She roughly jerks away.  
"I don't really want to talk to you right now Gamzee, I'm tired" she says, trying to pull her arm away but you keep a firm hold on her, aware you must be leaving marks. You don't care. Under the thin material of her shirt you feel uneven lines on her skin and you feel something like anger go through you. "None of that now sister" you say, keeping a straight face as you dig your fingers hard into her arm.  
She gasps and bites her lip, bracing against the counter. Usually she would hide that but you caught her off guard.  
"Now what was that?" You ask, watching the pain on her face thats he quickly disguises.  
"Nothing, let me go" she says, trying to pull her arm away again.  
"Now I think that's just not true sister, I can't let you go until you tell me the motherfuckin truth" you say.  
When she says nothing you press your fingers into her skin again, harder this time.  
She squeezes her eyes shut and gives a small whine of pain, "stop it Gamzee, it's nothing, I just don't want to talk right now okay"  
"You gonna tell me what the motherfuck that was or not baby sister?" You ask.  
She glares straight forward, eyes level with your chest, and doesn't say anything.  
Oh well, guess you'll just have to find out what you already know yourself.  
You yank down her sleeve revealing straight lines tracing paths on the soft skin of her arm. Some are as healed as pink and purple scars and others are bleeding slightly from where you broke the wound open again.  
She keeps her eyes fixed forward, glaring at your chest. "What you been doin to yourself, girl?" you ask. She doesn't answer.  
"I said what the motherfuckin you been doin, sister?" you ask, louder this time.  
She flinches but keeps her head down. "Just go away Gamzee it's nothing" she says, voice shaking  
You don't move and she tenses, balling her smalls hands into fists. "I said go away, it's fine" she says, louder this time.  
"Not till you get to giving me an answer, I up an asked you a motherfuckin question and I aint leavin till its answered" you say.  
"It's nothing I said it's nothing that's your answer leave me alone" she says.  
"That aint no motherfuckin answer. I got to askin you what you were doin to yourself" you reply.  
"Nothing, okay, nothing, now leave me alone" she says.  
"I think you fuckin lyin to me sister" you say, running your thumb over one of her cuts causing her to wince  
She looks up at you then, pain in her milky white eyes. "I said its nothing!" She yells.  
She tries to pull her arm away but you keep a firm hold producing a pained sound from her. She balls her other hand into a fist and pounds it on your chest over and over and over. She pushes away from you, kicking hard. It doesn't really hurt even though it probably should, she's pretty strong, but despite this her fighting gets tiring quickly.  
Tired of entertaining her almost sad attempt to fight against you you snatch her other arm and hold both of them still against her chest. She fights even more at this so you press her back against the edge of the counter to still her. She squirms but slowly stills until she stands with her face almost touching your chest breathing heavily. She keeps her eyes down.  
When her breathing slows you let go of her arms which she stiffly loops around your neck. Or at least tries to, she barely reaches your shoulder so her arms don't really reach that high.  
You grab her waist with both hands and easily lift her up to sit on the counter which puts her at even height with you. She sits still, breathing slowly and letting et's her head fall forward onto your shoulder. You just sit there like that, listening to her breath and feeling the warmth of her against you. After a minute you feel something wet on your shoulder and you turn your head to look at her.  
She makes no sound or movement as tears slowly slip from her closed eyes. She is tired enough to touch you and not pull away like she did before. Tired from sleep, tired from life, tired from you.  
"You tired baby girl?" You ask. She is still for a minute before nodding against your shoulder. "Up you go then, baby girl" you say, wrapping your arms around her and hoisting her up. She doesn't move, she just lets you carry her.  
You turn back down the hallway out of the kitchen. She stiffly wraps her legs around you and buries her face deeper against your shoulder.  
You walk to the little room she shares with Vriska and drop her unceremoniously on the mattress. She just lays there all quiet and still. Her eyes look past you without seeing you.  
Seeing as she isn't going to do it on her own you scoop her up again and pull back the comforter on her bed. You put her down a bit more gently this time and throw the comforter back over her.  
You turn to go, to leave before she wakes up from this, it's what she wanted anyway, but she reaches out from under the comforter and takes hold of your arm.  
You look back at her and she seems to see you again. Her fingers wrap tighter around your arm but she doesn't say anything. It was just minutes ago that she wanted nothing more than for you to leave her alone but without a word you climb onto the other side of the mattress and flop down on top of the comforter beside her.  
She curls up against you under the comforter so that only her eyes and head are visible. She closes her eyes and you lay still beside her, looking up at nothing.  
After a minute of stillness you turn your head to look at her. The bruises on her eyes are dark. You look at the pale blue and purple discoloration on her cheek and the light pink of the healing split in her lip.  
You don't even really remember doing that. Maybe you were too high to remember, or too drunk. Or both. Vaguely you remember yourself hitting her, pushing her back making her hit her head on the arm of the couch and pinning her down. You remember the look in her eyes was surprise but not fear. She doesn't fear you, she has no reason to, no matter that this isn't the first time you've done this.  
The other times were in high school, when you started drinking more and doing harder drugs. Your dad left for good and you got into dealing but she was there for you just like always  
You think the first time was in your sophomore year of high school, when you first started messing around. It was casual, you were good friends, you were just doing stupid shit and having fun, but that changed. You had come to school both high and drunk that morning, a feat even for you and she made sure to tell you so. You cut class about halfway through the day and she cut to come get you off school grounds so you wouldn't get in trouble with campus security, again.  
You went to the park down the street, sitting on the swings and smoking.  
She was beside you, swinging as high as she could go and laughing obnoxiously into the air. You smiled up at her as you took hit after hit of your blunt, watching her swing back and forth with a huge smile on her face.  
You ended up making out in the slide, laughing into messy kisses and trying to keep from slipping down the sticky plastic of the slide.  
You remember the first time the most clearly despite being so out of it, you learned a long time ago that the things you want to forget are always the things you remember. You were kissing and you wanted to do more but she said you were too high, and of course reminded you that you were currently inside of a slide on a childrens playground. You told her to lighten up, to get high with you, she said no. When you tried to press your already lit joint between her lips she laughed and pushed you away. Then you did it again and she wasn't laughing anymore. It got physical, passed the point of your usual joking around and at some point she knocked the joint from your hand  
You watched that joint roll down the slide and onto the damp mulch bellow, burning out on impact in a trail of smoke. "Oh shit, sorry" she said, holding back a laugh. That's when you hit her. She stilled underneath you and looked surprised, her pale eyes looking up at you in disbelief, watering from where you hit her.  
Through your haze you realized what you had done and hastily apologized, pressing you're hand to the side of her face you had hit and making her wince  
You kept apologizing, holding onto her and trying to take back what you had done but you couldn't, the bruise was already there and the seed was planted for everything that happened after that.  
You ended sobered up back at her place. No one was around which was surprising considering all the people she lived with so you ended up just sitting on the couch watching reruns of Law and Order SVU, her favorite show at the time, she hadn't yet discovered Criminal Minds  
When you apologized again she said it was okay, she said you were just too fucked up to know what you were doing but you could hear that she didn't sound so sure herself.   
She fell asleep leaning against you while you watched what now seemed to be a marathon of SVU  
You had watched her sleep for a while, just like now, before leaving her alone, just like now

  
When you're sure she has fallen asleep sleep you get up and walk back into the kitchen, carful not to wake her up. You down the now cold coffee from both of your mugs in a few gulps each and pull on your coat  
You look back into her little room before you go. She's buried under the comforter, deep in sleep. When she wakes up she will be alone. You're leaving her alone. But you think that's probably what's best for now  
You walk out into the cold and around you the snow has started to build up on the roofs of apartments and houses.  
When you get home Karbro will be there and you won't be alone, but she will be  
You think maybe you should go back and get her, wake her up and take her to stay with you, maybe finally get her to say yes to moving in with you, but you don't. Instead you keep walking. She needs some time, you know that, but it's all a matter of how much time you're willing to allow. Right now you're feeling generous, but later you won't be so much.  
You think that maybe her moving in will make things better, make your friendship what it was, but you know the only thing that will really do that is for you to change, and you're not even ready to admit that your friendship has changed, let alone that you have.  
Terezi isn't any more willing to admit those things herself either. She likes to pretend everything is great even when it's not, she's always been that way and you guess you're lucky for it or other people would know by now what you were doing  
You know no one can know  
Things have gotten more than harmless messing around, it isn't casual anymore, it's serious, and you both know that if anyone knew this, especially Karkat, they would ask questions that neither of you wanted to answer.  
So you keep walking and looking up at the sky, wishing you were high, or higher than you already are  
As you watch the snow fall on the people and buildings around you you think maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell someone  
Maybe you could tell Karkat if she moved in  
Or maybe you could not  
Maybe you could do lots of things  
Maybe


	4. the sun swallowed me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And what about your friends  
> What about your friends, do they make you happy?  
> And what about your friends  
> What about your friends, do they make you happy?  
> The sun swallowed me"  
> -Tigers Jaw- [The Sun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46Ke7Sd2qgc)  
>   
> Terezi finally decides what she's going to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently at the station waiting for my train to the city so I'm posting this now.  
> The chapters will start to get longer after this and have more than one point of view in each.

**Terezi**

Vriska came home later that night, or morning, technically. You woke up at 2am to loud voices and laughing

You hear Vriska's voice, "that was fucking great"  
"It was pretty fucking awesome, that dude was so pissed"  
That's John  
"I aim to piss"  
John giggles, "piss"  
"Shut up, Egbert"  
"Ow" John says  
She probably elbowed him, shes known to do that  
They walk farther away and their voices fade to unintelligible hums  
You wake up enough to sit up in bed and look around  
Gamzee is gone, he probably left some time after you fell asleep  
Good  
It all comes back to you then, him showing up at your door, him finding your scars, the argument that followed, him carrying you to bed  
You feel sick thinking about it  
Loud footsteps break you out of the memory and you look up to see Vriska and John stumbling into the doorway, making out  
You decide not to say anything, this isn't exactly unusual for them, but when they end up on the bed you leave, not really wanting to hear them get it on anymore  
You go to the kitchen and get a mug of water, staring at the coffee still sitting on the counter  
Both mugs are drained, Gamzee must have drank them before he left, and all thats left is the ring on the inside of the mugs where the coffee used to be.  
When you're done you throw the mug in the sink and pad over to the living room. You curl up on the couch, pulling a blanket off the floor and wrapping it around yourself.  
You fall asleep quickly, pushing away thoughts of Gamzee as you do.

When you wake up the first thing you see is Vriska's face  
By the look of it she's got a nasty hangover  
"Hey lazy ass, wake up, you're taking up the whole couch"  
You groan and shove her away, "shut uuuppp"  
She frowns at you and then gives you a grin you know all too well, "you asked for it"  
She grabs your arm and yanks you forward roughly  
You yell in surprise as you hit the floor hard  
"What the fuck Vriska?" You say, pushing your hair out of your face and glaring up at her  
She grins  down at you and holds her hands out palms up, "I told you to get up"  
"You're a bitch" you say, pushing yourself up from the dirty carpet  
"Thank you"  
Only when the sleeve of your shirt shifts against your skin do you feel the newly opened cuts on your arm  
You feel sick again remembering your meeting with Gamzee  
"It's like one in the afternoon aren't you going to get up?" She demands, "hell I have a wicked hangover and even I got up before you"  
"Maybe I would have woken up sooner if your drunk ass didn't wake me up in the middle of the night" you grumble  
Vriska rolls her eyes, "whatever, it's not like you haven't done the same to me. I'm getting breakfast if you want any"  
You get up and follow her to the kitchen where you both pour bowls of fruit loops  
Vriska also grabs the melted blue icee she got at the gas station last week out f the fridge.  
You watch stupid reality shows while you eat, commenting through mouthfuls of cereal  
"I want a video compilation of all the times Chef Ramsey says 'disgusting'" you say  
Vriska nods in agreement, "that would be fucking great" she says, accidentally spitting out some cereal on her shirt  
"Gross" you say  
She shrugs and wipes it up with her sleeve which she then wipes on the already stained couch  
This you don't comment on as you do the same thing all the time  
When you're done eating the rest of your breakfast Vriska stands and stretches her long skinny arms above her head causing her back to crack loudly  
She turns to you and grins, "well, I'm going out" she says matter of factly  
"Vriska it's like 2pm" you say, raising your eyebrows at her  
She shrugs, "me and John are just going to the park calm down"  
You roll your eyes, "okay, have fun I guess"  
"You wanna come?" She asks, already pulling on her dirty old red converse and her coat  
"Yeah, why not" you say, shoving your hands in the pockets of your hoodie and standing up  
She grins and straightens up after tying her shoes and throws her arm around you.  
You flinch in suprise but she doesn't seem to notice leaving you shaken as you force a smile and pretend your heart isnt racing because for a second, just a second, you thought she was going to hit you.  
You hurry to the park, speed walk racing each other down the sidewalks  
When you get to the park John is already there, hands in his coat pockets and glasses as stupid as ever  
When he sees you he lights up and waves, jogging over to meet you  
"Sup nerd" you say in greeting, giving him a grin  
He rolls his eyes and doesn't respond, instead turning to Vriska  
"Hey" he says through that sickeningly happy buck toothed smile of his  
She grins at him and throws her arms around his shoulders, leaning down to kiss him deeply, not regarding your presence in the slightest  
That's Vriska Serket for you  
She breaks the kiss and grins at his red face  
"You're cute when you're embarrassed" she says, patting his cheek  
He squints at her, "you suck"  
She laughs and gives him a wink, "you've never complained about that before"  
His face goes red and she laughs harder   
You decide to help him out, "okay I don't want to hear any more let's go" you say, jogging passed both of them and into the park  
You claim swings quickly and you end up between John and Vriska  
"See who can swing the highest?" You ask, leaning forward to look over at Vriska  
She grins, "you know it"  
"Yeah I'm gonna not do this" John says from beside you  
"Aw come on, don't be such a lamo Egbert" you say  
"I learned not to get involved in your competitions a long time ago, last time I did I got a broken arm" he says   
You laugh at the memory but stop when he glares at you  
"That was an accident" you say  
He keeps glaring, "yeah, sure it was"  
"Well I promise you won't get maimed this time" you offer  
Vriska throws her head back and groans, "come oooooooon John, stop being such a whimp"  
He looks at her and then at you and sighs  
"Fine"  
"Yeah Egbert!" You say, pumping your fist in the air   
You have three swing races, two that are won by you and one that's won by Vriska although she insists you were somehow cheating, before her and John decide to go hang out on the other side of the playground, and by that they mean make out in the tube slide

  
As they disappear from your blurry sight you are left alone on your swing, kicking your feet against the dirt underneath you  
You were sixteen the first time Gamzee ever hurt you and you were in that tube slide  
After it happened you ignored the stinging pain on your face and helped him out of the slide and got his ass back to your place where he passed out on your couch  
You didn't sleep well that night and left the house early for school the next morning, wanting to get out of the house  
You saw him in homeroom but kept your head down, working on homework that wasn't due until the next week  
You saw him again in the hallway and again you kept your head down and turned into a classroom that wasn't even yours  
Mr. Noir had asked what you were doing and you pulled the blind girl excuse. You don't think he bought it but he didn't ask again  
You stayed there until he passed and then hurried back out into the hall  
It's not that you were afraid of him or even angry at him, but whenever you saw him your stomach turned and you thought that keeping your distance would help it  
You finally talked to him during lunch, sitting behind the building so he could smoke and with your trays of shitty cafeteria food sitting between you  
He didn't mention it and neither did you, he had apologized the day before and you think you were both happy not to talk about it any further. Still, something was different, as much as neither of you wanted to admit it.  
Months later in that same spot behind the school building, it happened again  
It was not uncommon for Gamzee to be high at school, actually it was more common than him being sober, but it was getting out of hand.  
It was the end of the school year, coming up on finals week, and he had just found out that his dad died, something related to his illegal drug dealing.  
Gamzee was smoking himself into complete mindlessness, he wasn't showing up for school, he was failing out and without his dad's money to support him he was close to dropping out of school all together.  
By the last week of finals you'd had enough  
He came to school high, as usual, on the day of his biggest final, and you'd had enough  
You pulled him behind the building that morning and yelled at him, asked him why he couldn't manage to stay sober just for finals so he could pass his classes. You made the mistake of mentioning his dad and his reaction was so fast that you hadn't even registered what had happened until your back was against the hot concrete of the wall and your left cheek was burning.  
You had raised your hand to your face, staring blankly forward before looking up at him  
You didn't know what to say but you could feel the tears building in your eyes and something warm starting to pool in the corner of your lip  
You blinked back the tears that had gathered in the corner of your eyes and straightened up  
Feeling pain in your lip you had licked it and tasted blood  
Seeing the blood he seemed to snap awake  
His hazy eyes went wide and he grabbed your upper arms, apologizing over and over as his bloodshot eyes filled with tears, blurring everything  
He had pulled you to him and held onto you like you were all that was keeping him together, face buried in your hair as he whispered apologies.  
He pressed his lips against your forehead and the top of your head and you could feel his breath as he repeated the same thing over and over and held tightly to you  
"I'm sorry, baby girl, I'm so motherfuckin sorry"  
You didn't answer but you held him back  
You left school after that and in a strange daze you went back to your place  
Because it was the middle of the day no one else was home so you ended up on your bed, kissing, then making out, and then more  
He whispered that he loved you and you said it back  
You had messed around before but this was different. Neither of you were laughing or joking, he was still shaking and his eyes were still so unfocused and your face and lip throbbed distantly  
Just like your stomach is now

  
By the time you focus again Vriska and John are done messing around in the slide like a bunch of high schoolers and are now playing on the monkey bars  
Vriska is sitting with her legs crossed at the knee on top of the monkey bars, kicking her foot in the air and grinning down at John who is trying to swing between those plastic hand loops attached to the bars, the ones that are supposed to be for kids, and is continually falling on his face in the damp mulch  
You laugh when he face plants again and he glares up at you as he pushes himself up off the ground, wiping mulch off his face  
"You're really getting good at those, you didn't get any mulch in your mouth this time" you say, smiling smugly down at him  
He narrows his eyes, quirks his mouth to the side and spits out a small piece of mulch  
You try to hold back a laugh but when you make eye contact with Vriska up on the monkey bars you both burst into laughter  
"I hate you guys, you know that" he says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and standing up, brushing mulch off his pants  
"Love you too" Vriska calls down, giving him a wink  
He rolls his eyes and opens his mouth to respond when that same bad pop punk remix of 'How Do I Live' starts to blare from inside his coat pocket  
He shoves his hand in his pocket and pulls out his phone, pressing it to his ear  
"Hey" he says  
The person says something on the other line and he nods, "yeah"  
He nods again, "okay, yeah I'll be right there"  
He hangs up the phone and shoves it back in his pocket  
"Who was that?" You ask  
"Rose, the left espresso machine broke again and the barista called out so its just her. Kanaya is down there helping but apparently its busy" he says   
Vriska groans from her place on the top of the monkey bars  
"Does that mean you have to go to work?"  
"Yeah but I'm just going in to help out, It'll only be a few hours or so"  
"It better be, we're watching movies tonight" she says  
He gives her that huge goofy grin, "don't worry, I wouldn't miss watching movies"  
"Alright I gotta go" he says, waving goodbye and jogging off towards where his bike is leaned against the telephone poll  
You both watch him until he disappears down the street on his dinky little blue bike and then you look back up at Vriska  
Without a word you go over to the monkey bars and climb up to take a seat beside her  
"So you're moving" Vriska says, not looking at you as she pulls a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of her coat  
Your stomach twists  
"How did you-"  
She turns to you and raises one perfectly shaped eyebrow, "I can hear Karkat's voice from down the fucking block"  
Shit, fuck him and his loud voice  
"Oh" you say and she lights the cigarette and takes a deep drag, letting the smoke back out into the cold air   
"I'm gonna go stay with John anyway so we can just leave the apartment"  
"What about the lease? It's not up until January, we still have over a month"  
She grins at you, "pretty sure I can get Hussie to let us out of the lease early"  
Your landlord does seem to really like her, you have no idea why but it's come in handy with rent before  
"Wait, so you're not mad?" You ask  
She scoffs, "no way, I was thinking about moving anyways, theres a house closer to John's I was looking at, its pay by the month and its cheap too. It's only one bedroom but you can always come stay if you change your mind about living with crabby and the juggalo. Anyway, we've been living together since we were eight, I think it'll be good to take a break from each other, and you can come back wheneeeevvvveeeerrrr you miss me" she says, winking with her one good eye, which makes it funnier.  
You smile and your stomach settles  
"What were you scared I'd be pissed or something?" She asks, taking another drag of her cigarette and blowing the smoke in your face  
You wave off the smoke and shrug, "well it's not exactly hard to piss you off"  
She quirks her badly blue painted lips to the side and then nods in agreement, "can't argue with that"  
You laugh and wince a little at the split in your lip  
Vriska lowers her cigarette from her mouth and looks at you, her one blue eye lined with smudged black narrowing slightly   
"So what happened here anyway?" She asks, poking at your lip with the finger holding the cigarette  
You flinch and push her hand away, waving the smoke out of your face, "I ran into the door"  
She looks at you for a moment and then laughs which makes your stomach twist   
The laugh would sound normal to anyone else but to you it's forced, she knows you're lying  
Surprisingly though she doesn't call you out on it  
She finishes off her cigarette and flicks it down into the damp mulch below  
"Well, I'm gonna go see John at work, I won't be back tonight"  
You nod "I'm gonna hang here for a while" you say  
"Okay cool, see you later, come over and watch movies with us if you want" she says, jumping down from the monkey bars   
She turns and walks off and you watch her go, seeing her light another cigarette  
You look out over the playground as the sun sets above you and let out a breath into the cold air   
You reach into your pocket and pull out your phone

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **carsinoGeneticist [CG]** and **terminallyCapricious [TC]** at 5:43 pm  
**GC** : hey  
**GC** : Just talked to Vriska  
**GC** : I'm moving in  
**GC** : And you assholes are helping me  
**GC** : >;P  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **carsinoGeneticist [CG]** and **terminallyCapricious [TC]**  at 5:44 pm

You lock your phone and look out over the playground again  
Your eyes land on the tube slide and your stomach twists again  
You dig your phone back out of your pocket and close your messages, going instead to your music, or really the music Sollux helped you download illegally online. You select a song you've been stuck on lately as you close your eyes to the setting sun and lay back on the cold bars under you.

 

_"It's early and bright out_  
_The sun swallowed me_  
_I'm glad that you're here with me_  
_This is where I want to be_  
_This is where I want to be_  
_The sun swallowed me_  
  
_And what about your friends?_  
_What about your friends?_  
_Do they make you happy?_  
_And what about your friends?_  
_What about your friends?_  
_Do they make you happy?_  
  
_The sun swallowed me"_

 


	5. the growth that blossoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “the growth that blossoms from suffering is finite.  
> when all of the blood has been emptied,when the limbs have been exiled,when the room has been drained,there is only phantom pain.  
> (taunting and useless.)  
> a reminder of what will never be returned to us.”  
> \- Loss, Jamie Oliveira
> 
> Terezi had a lot to figure out and Dave is going to help her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just got off work gonna go to the diner  
> Sorry it's been a while I've had a lot of shifts at work and I'm trying to move out again.

**Terezi**

You moved in with Karkat and Gamzee a week later and you've been here for a month now  
The move wasn't too bad, you don't have much stuff, just a mattress and a dresser, and your scalemates of course, so it was easy to move in with Gamzee and Karkat helping, Equius even lent you his truck. You left the rest of your shit in the black hole that is John and Dave's hallway closet but it wasn't much, just some clothes and old law books from high school.  
It's been nice living here with them, you get to be with two of your best friends and you get some much needed distance from Vriska. Nothing has happened between you and Gamzee since the day he came over almost a month ago. You've just been hanging out while Karkat goes to work, watching tv, going to the park, getting food at the diner. Last week you went over to John and Daves for 'Hanksgiving' which was basically just all of you squeezing into their little one bedroom apartment to share shitty gas station gravy bowls and mashed potatoes while watching King of the Hill. John even made, or more like badly burnt, a turkey that he and Vriska got on sale at the grocery store down the street.

  
Your bruises have mostly faded and it makes it easier not to think about it when you don't see them in the mirror every morning. After getting settled in things are less stressful, you still feel tired a lot, and sick to your stomach, but being around your friends makes it better  
It's late now, about 1pm, and Karkat is at work. You and Gamzee are out, hanging around Ms. Paint's diner so you can see him when he gets off work  
You end up going inside to get some food since currently the only food in your house is warm faygo, some tap water in a filter, a carton of milk that you're pretty sure went bad days ago, a box of frozen chocolate waffles that are probably freezer burnt, a bag of microwavable french fries and a bag of frozen chicken nuggets that aren't even yours, Tavros left them last time he came over to hang out with Gamzee  
When the diner comes into sight you grin at each other. You don't even have to say it, you just take off down the sidewalk, pushing and shoving to try to slow the other down. It's not really fair because hes a lot stronger than you and you have short legs compared to his ridiculously long ones but you still beat him because you're just that good. Really though it's mostly because you trip him.  
You slam your hand into the sticky glass door right before Gamzee does just a few steps behind you  
"Hehehe I win" you say, grinning up at him  
He laughs and flicks you in the forehead, "you sure about that girl?"  
"Ow that fucking hurt" you say, standing on tip toes to smack him on the nose  
He curses and grabs his nose, glaring down at you   
"That's why you don't fuck with me" you say, putting your hands on your hips and grinning up at him  
He grins behind his hand and let's it drop to his side  
"But I do fuck with you" he says, raising his dark eyebrows and winking  
You roll your eyes and push your way inside the diner, "come on asshole"

  
When you get inside you see Jake wiping down the counter and Roxy waiting tables  
In the kitchen you can hear Jane and Dirk laughing and the sound of sizzling food and clanking pans  
Roxy looks up as you enter and grins at you, shoving her note pad in the pocket of her black apron and waving  
"Heeeeey, whatcha doin here?" she asks, leaving her table in the middle of the order and walking over to you  
The people look after her and then at each other before going back to talking  
Roxy Lalonde, customer service at its finest  
"Just here to get some breakfast, is Karkat here?" You ask  
"Well I can totes get you some of our bangin breakfast but Kat isn't here, he's over at the bar yelling about something"  
"Okay, then we have to get the food to go" you say  
She grins, "can do, the usual?"  
You nod, "yup, thanks Roxy"  
She gives you a big grin and heads into the kitchen  
She comes out about ten minutes later with a stack of three to go boxes  
"Here ya go, hash browns with eggs, sunny side up, blueberry pancakes and a short stack of french toast for my favorite kids"  
"Thanks girl" Gamzee says, taking the to go boxes from her hands and giving her a wink  
"How much do we owe you?" You ask  
"It's on the house" she says, winking, "just don't tell Dirk, he'll throw a bitch fit"  
"Thanks Roxy" you say, highfiving her  
"No probs, tell Kitkat I say hi"  
"Will do" you say as you walk back out the door

  
You walk to the building right beside the diner and push through the heavy doors into Spades bar.  
It's run by your old high school teacher, Mr. Noir and it's in joint business with the diner beside it which is run by his long time girlfriend Ms. Paint, your old school nurse. You're pretty sure she works as a nurse at the hospital now.  
When you walk in you don't see Karkat anywhere but Mr. Noir is at the bar wiping down the counter where it looks like someone spilled something sticky  
He looks up when you enter and immediately frowns at you, wrinkling the scar running over his right eye. He's had the scar for as long as you've known him and whenever any student asked how he got it he said that it was a knife fight and they better not ask again unless they want a matching one.  
"Hi Mr. Noir" you say, waving and giving him a huge grin  
You were the best student in his class  
"What are you kids doin here?" He asks, Italian accent thick  
"Just lookin for Karbro" Gamzee says from behind you  
Gamzee was his worst student  
"He's in the back washing dishes" Noir says, tipping his head behind the wrap around bar where you can hear the very distinct sound of people arguing loudly in Italian   
"Thanks" you say  
"I'll go get im" Gamzee says  
You grin, "okay, but I'm eating your food if you take too long"  
You take the to go boxes from him and plop down at the counter  
"So how's life Pyrope ?" Noir asks, tossing the dirty rag behind the counter and grabbing another one  
You shrug as you pop open the styrofoam to go box and start eating your pancakes with your hands  
"Per l'amor di dio ragazza, use a fork!" he says, reaching behind the counter and sliding one towards you  
You catch it against your chest and grin  
"Good, you?" You ask through a mouth full of blueberry pancake  
"Can't complain"  
"How's Ms. Paint?" You ask, wiggling your eyebrows   
He smiles a little, you only ever see him smile when he talks about her, and his crew, "she's doin good"  
"You finally going to propose?" You ask  
He raises his eyebrows at you, "you always were a nosy little shit, Pyrope"  
You grin, "you're evading the question"  
"You don't gotta know that"  
"You totally are" you say  
"Sta 'zitto" he says, waving you off  
"Don't tell me to shut it, so are you gonna or not?" You ask, shoveling more pancake in your mouth, this time with a fork  
He sets the glass he was holding down on the scratched up counter and groans, "fine, yes, ya happy now?"  
You grin widely, "very much"  
"So what _you_ been up to, missy?" He asks, grabbing another glass and starting to polish it  
"Not much, just moved in with those two idiots last month" you say, gesturing to the dish room behind the counter where Karkat can be heard yelling at Gamzee   
"Really, weren't you livin with that Serket girl?" He asks  
You nod, "yeah but we thought it would be a good idea to get some space from each other"  
"Don't know how you stood her this long, she was always a handful that one" he says  
You laugh, "yeah, I've been dealing with her for like ten years though so I'm used to it"  
A customer comes up to the bar just as Gamzee and Karkat round the corner, the latter talking loudly  
You pack up the food and jump down from the bar stool  
"See you Mr. Noir" you say, waving as you join Gamzee and Karkat  
"Good ta see ya Pyrope" he says, tipping his head to you, "Karkat, see you tomorrow"  
"Bye Jack" Karkat replies  
"Bye Mr. Jack" Gamzee says, giving him a dopey grin and a wave   
Mr. Noir grunts in response and turns to the customer that has just seated themself at the bar as you push out the doors into the cold

  
"So how was work?" You ask as you squeeze yourself between Karkat and Gamzee to keep warm  
"Shitty as always" Karkat grumbles   
"You say everything is shitty though" you say  
"Yeah well this was actually shitty"  
He then launches into a rant about his coworkers and something about this one table of drunk dudes and you pretty much stop paying attention  
When you get home Karkat retreats to his and Gamzee's room to get changed and you head to the kitchen to make lunch  
"What we got?" Gamzee asks, dropping down at the counter  
"Let's see" you say, pulling open the fridge and leaning down to look inside  
"We've got freezer burnt chocolate waffles, half a bag of frozen chicken nuggets, a carton of milk that I think is bad" you grab the milk and twist off the cap, bringing the carton to your nose and sniffing at it  
You make a face and recoil, sticking your tongue out in disgust, "yup it's bad" you put the milk back in the fridge, "that's it, oh!" You grab a bag of fries from the back of the freezer, "and fries" you say, turning and holding the bag up for him to see  
He grins, "chickin nuggets and fries?"  
You nod and grin back, "chicken nuggets and fries"  
You grab a cookie sheet from the sink that's still kind of crusty from that time you tried to make pancakes in it and dump the fries and chicken nuggets on it  
You hop up on the counter and sit kicking your feet and Gamzee spins on the bar stool while you wait for the food to heat up  
Karkat has lunch with you and then goes over to  John and Dave's to watch movies. You say you'll probably be over later, after you're done watching season six of Criminal Minds   
When he leaves you and Gamzee plop down on the couch, you stretched out over his lap and he sits slumped with his long legs up on the cluttered coffee table  
You're watching intently as Prentiss fights Doyle when you feel a hand on your lower back, rubbing soft circles against your skin under your shirt   
You look up and Gamzee is grinning down at you  
"What are you doing?" You ask  
"Just tryin to get my play on with my baby girl" he says, winking  
You roll your eyes, "Gamz I'm trying to watch"  
"Aw come on" he says, tapping your forehead with his pointer finger, "just a kiss?"  
You bite the inside of your lip and hum in thought  
"Fine, just a kiss"  
You push yourself up off his lap and give him a nasty slobbery kiss on his cheek, laughing as he pulls away with disgust  
"Aw girl come on"  
You laugh, "you asked for it"  
He narrows his eyes at you and gives you a grin and you move to jump out of the way but you don't move fast enough  
He pins you on your back laughs at you as you struggle   
"Oh shut up dick wad" you say, pushing at his chest to try to get him off you  
He leans down and gives you a nasty slobbery kiss on the forehead and you pull away, sticking out your tongue in disgust  
"Aw gross come on Gamzee"  
He laughs against your forehead, "you got this comin and you know it" and he gives you another kiss on the nose  
"Uhg get off" you say, trying to push him off of you but you're laughing too hard  
"No way, not till I got my payback"  
He kisses your cheeks and neck and all over your face before kissing your lips  
This time he doesn't pull back and neither do you  
It's been a while since you've really kissed and it's nice, you want to keeo doing it  
He pulls away and looks at you, forehead pressed against yours  
"You still my baby girl?"  
You smile and give him a quick kiss, "always ass munch"  
You sit up and curl up against him, resting your head on his arm  
"Hey Gamz?" You say, eyes on the tv as he rewinds to where you left off  
"Yeah?"  
"Now that I'm living here maybe...maybe we should tell Karkat about...us"  
He stops rewinding and sets the remote down, looking at you seriously  
"We can't be tellin Karbro nothin, you know that"  
"Why?" you ask  
"Cause, boys still got a thing for you didn't cha know? He'd be up to the set of he knew what was goin on with us"  
"We were together like six years ago, he's over me, we're just friends now that's it" you say  
"It would still break his heart and you know it baby girl, boys real sensitive, he'd get all upset that we didn't tell him and throw one a his little fits"  
You look down at your hands, "I guess but I mean, this has been going on for a while, I know we've never like...officially been a thing but since we're living with him maybe he should at least know"  
"Girl we can't be tellin him okay, this ain't no thing to tell. Just be keepin with this or end it, up to you, but we can't be tellin him"  
You bite your lip, "you know I don't want that Gamzee, you're...we're...I don't know what we are but...I'm not trying to end it, I'm just saying we should stop sneaking around, he deserves to know, he's our best friend"  
He groans and shakes his head at you, "I need a fuckin smoke"  
He pushes himself up off the couch, causing you to fall to the side, and heads outside leaving you alone in the living room staring after him with the voices on the tv as noise in the background  
You sigh and turn back to the tv, pulling your knees to your chest and trying to concentrate more on the show and less on the sick feeling in your stomach

  
So maybe living here hasn't been as good as you thought it would be. You don't want to face that the sick feeling has become almost constant since you moved. You're always shaking, always feeling like you're going to throw up, always having trouble sleeping or having trouble staying awake. Being with Karkat makes you feel at home but Gamzee...something is wrong, and you're worried about him. It's things like this, the anger that comes out of nowhere and causes him to say and do terrible things that leave you alone shaking and trying to figure out what you did wrong.   
You don't know what to do and it makes you feel almost trapped, like you couldn't get out even if you tried. But really would you ever try?  
You sigh and get up from the couch, not bothering to pause the episode, you've seen it before and were barely even watching it anyway   
You pull on your white coat with the dragon hood on over your red sweatshirt and pull open the door, hopping off the stoop onto the concrete below  
You bury your hands in your pockets and walk until you find the place you know he'll be and sure enough there he is, standing in the back of the alley at the end of your block, leaning against the stained concrete wall  
You smell it as soon as you get close to him, whatever he's smoking isn't cigarettes or weed. He doesn't look up until you say his name a few times and when he does he looks like he barely registers that you're there   
His eyes are cloudy and he seems to be struggling to recognize you as he frowns at you and looks back down  
"Gamzee" you say, walking closer trying to get his attention  
You're ignoring that all to familiar feeling of exhaustion and sickness that seems to be quickly filling you up. Really you just want to sleep but you can't, not until you deal with this.  
When you get close enough to put your hand on his arm he looks at you with a lot of effort  
"Terezi?" He asks, squinting at you with hazy eyes   
"Look, I'm sorry okay, I know Karkat means a lot to you, he means a lot to me too. If you don't want to tell him we won't" you say  
Gamzee doesn't say anything, he just stares  
"Gamz?" you ask  
He comes to again apparently having forgotten you were there  
"Huh?"  
You groan in frustration  
"I said I'm sorry, if you don't want to tell Karkat then we won't"  
He nods slowly in something like understanding  
"Gamz what did you smoke?" you ask, leaning closer to him and sniffing, "you don't smell like cigarettes or weed..." you say, looking down and noticing the dirty old spoon, glass pipe and lighter in his hand  
It looks like it's caked in burnt sugar but it smells the opposite of sweet, like burning plastic  
Your stomach twists and you look at him incredulously   
"What the fuck did you smoke Gamzee!?"  
Something like anger flashes across his face and he glares at you with his hazy eyes, "don't be takin that tone with me, sister" and in his voice is something like a warning. You ignore it.  
"Answer me, Gamzee" you say, stepping forward to try to take the spoon pipe and lighter from his hand  
He jerks back, trying to pull it from your grip but you hold on tight. The pipe and spoon are still warm and sticky in your hands, whatever it was he must have just smoked it.  
"Let go, girl" he growls  
"No! How can you keep doing this, it's like you don't even care!"  
"I said let the motherfuck go!"  
"And I said no!"  
That's when he grabs your wrist and wrenches your hand from his, shoving you back so hard that you hit your head when you slam into the concrete wall  
You look up at him just as he grabs your hair and shakes your head roughly, "don't be tellin me what to do and don't be tellin me I don't motherfuckin care!"  
You put your hands over his and try to pull them off your hair but he only tightens his grip  
"Gamzee let go!" you say  
His grip on your hair only tightens. You're starting to panic. You know how to deal with him on alcohol and weed but not this, you have to get away. You take a deep breath, squeeze your eyes shut, and kick as hard as you can. He curses and stumbles back, his grip loosening on your hair enough for you to pull away. You move to run when you realize you're against a wall, you have nowhere to go. Something like fear fills you as you look up at his now rage filled face. You open your mouth to speak, apologize, anything, but his fist shuts you up.   
You feel blood immediately and put your free hand up to your face  
You look up at him, stunned  
He looks at you with wide eyes, taking you in where you stand shaking and bloody against the alley wall.   
The things in his hand clatter to the ground and he seems to sink   
"Fuck baby girl...I'm so sorry" he says, pressing his shaking palms to his face  
"Then stop doing this" you say, "please"  
He removes his hands from his face and looks at you and slowly he reaches up and wipes blood from the corner of your lip  
You're still shaking but you manage not to flinch away from his touch  
You sigh and take his hand in yours  
"Please Gamzee..."  
He nods, "I know baby girl, I know..."  
  
You walk home in silence and when you get back Gamzee passes out on the couch leaving you alone with your thoughts. You try to curl up beside him on the couch but you can't sleep so you go outside and sit on the front stoop  
It doesn't look like the hit will bruise too much but your lip is split and you're still shaking pretty badly.  
You sigh and put your head in your hands  
You know it's fucked up, what he's doing to you, but you don't know what to do about it. He's hurting and he's hurting you because of it but he needs you and as much as you don't want to admit it you need him too. It's getting worse. You can't control your thoughts and you find yourself shaking on the sticky bathroom floor at 1am more and more nights, unable to make the thoughts stop  
Sometimes when you're like that Gamzee holds you, he talks to you softly, and you end up curled up together watching Criminal Minds and you feel a lot better. But most of the time he just gets angry.  
He asks you why you're like this and you don't have an answer, you don't know yourself, and even if you did know you wouldn't tell him. You wouldn't even tell Dave or Vriska. He takes this personally and it turns into you don't trust him, you're an ungrateful little bitch, you're hurting him just as much as you're hurting yourself.  
  
You squeeze your eyes shut and put your head in your hands, willing that thoughts to just stop. Why are you doing this to yourself? It's like you want to suffer, and maybe you do.  
You're just so tired  
You know Karkat will probably come home by 12:00 so you go back inside at 11:30  
You stop by the couch, checking that Gamzee is still asleep  
When you see that he is you turn and head into your room, closing and locking the door behind you  
You pull off your leggings and toss them to the side, grabbing Pyralspite off the floor and flopping down onto the mess of sheets on your mattress  
You pull your phone from the band of your underwear toss it to the side into the blankets and shove it under your pillow   
You lay awake for a long time, unable to stop thinking  
When you do finally fall asleep you wake up sweating in the middle of the night only hours later  
When you finally get to sleep again it's 3am and you're woken up by loud banging  
You sit up in bed and rub your eyes  
Across the room your door is shaking on its hinges and the knob is turning  
"Open the fuckin door!" Gamzee yells  
"I'm coming I'm coming calm down!" You yell, jumping up from bed unlocking the door and yanking it open  
You don't think that maybe this is a bad idea, you don't think that maybe you shouldn't let him in but as soon as you see his face you know you fucked up  
He grabs you by the front of your shirt and shakes you violently  
"Why the fuck you lockin the door!?"  
You put your hand over his and try to pull them off of you, "what the fuck Gamzee!? Stop it!"  
"Fuckin answer me!"  
"I-it's my room, I always lock the door!" you say, confused  
"What you don't want me in here!?" he demands  
"What? No! I don't know!" You say, pulling harder at his hands  
"Then why you lockin your door, huh, you doin somethin stupid again?" he asks, snatching your left arm in his and shoving the sleeve of your shirt up to your elbow to reveal the cuts and scars on your skin.  
"No! I was sleeping! let go of me!"  
You try to pull back but he's got too tight of a hold on you  
He growls and hits you hard enough to make your already blurry vision go hazy  
You pull away from him and stumble back, falling hard to the hard dirty carpeted floor  
You look up at him with wide eyes, the smell of melting plastic burning in your sensitive nose   
"You were getting high again!" you yell  
"Shut your mouth!"  
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you said you would stop!" you yell  
Anger flashes across his face and then he's on top of you, pinning you to the ground with his hands around your neck  
"I said shut your fuckin mouth!" he yells  
You pull at his hands and try to pry them off of you, struggling to breath under the pressure of his fingers on your throat  
"Gamzee stop!" You yell, pulling harder at his hands. When he doesn't loosen his grip you grit your teeth and scrape your nails across his arm  
He curses and you take the chance to bring your knee up and hit him in the stomach  
He doubles over and curses and when he stands his already drug sharp eyes are full of absolute rage  
He lunges at you but you scramble back until your back hits the bedroom wall and you look up at him desperately, "Gamzee stop!"

He stops, looking you up and down where you sit pressed back against the wall with your arms up to protect your face from another hit, growls and bears his teeth at you before stomping out the door and slamming it shut behind him. You flinch at the sound, squeezing your eyes shut and curling in on yourself  
You just sit there for a minute, trying to calm yourself down, before you come to your senses and scramble to your feet to lock the door  
You're shaking so violently it takes you a few tries to get it and your mind is racing  
You have to get out of here  
In a rush you pull your leggings back on, grab you dragon backpack and pull on your sweatshirt and coat  
You grab some clothes from the floor, Pyralspite and your phone and shove them in your backpack before swinging it onto your shoulders and heading for the window  
You can't risk running into him  
You yank open the window and climb out, landing hard enough to stumble and scrape your knee in the rust metal of the fire escape but you barely notice because you're already running down the stairs 

**Dave**

You pull the blankets off the futon and grab the pillows off the floor as you listen to the background noise of George Lopez on Nick at Night  
It was a good movie night, Karkat fell asleep on you and you actually all agreed on a movie for once  
Super Bad, which was fuckin awesome, and now you have unanimously and by unanimously you mean you, decided that you're going to call John 'McLovin' from now on  
As you drop the pillows onto the futon and grab the food off the coffee table there's a heavy knock at your door  
You walk over to the door, setting your stuff down on the counter on your way  
When you pull the door open Terezi stands on the other side  
There is a dark bruise on her face and dried blood on her nose and the side of her lips  
Her eyes are wide and she's shaking  
"Terezi?"  
"Is Karkat asleep?" she asks   
You look over your shoulder where the boy in question is curled up on the futon under the glow of the tv. You turn back to her and nod.  
"Can I come in?" She asks  
You open your mouth to ask another question but shut it when you see the look on her face, "please"  
"Yeah, of course" you say and you step aside to let her in and close the door behind her


	6. everything is dirt now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Something’s died in me,” she goes. “It took a long time for it to do it, but it’s dead. You’ve killed something, just like you’d took an axe to it. Everything is dirt now.”  
> -Raymond Carver
> 
> Dave smokes with a juggalo and gets a bloody nose drunk outside of a church, Terezi remembers, and Gamzee is a fucking asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while, its a long chapter and I've had a lot to do with moving.  
> 

**Dave**

It's been three weeks since Terezi showed up at your door in the middle of the night bloody and shaking  
She didn't give any explanation and you didn't ask, besides to make sure she was okay. She said she was, you didn't believe her for a second.  
She asked if she could stay the night, you said of course, and you spent it on the futon watching those weird ass shows that play on Adult Swim at 4am  
You tried to laugh and joke with her, making stupid comments like you always do, but all she did was stare blankly at the tv and hold onto you like you were the only thing keeping her held in place   
When you woke up the next morning Terezi was asleep next to you, snoring loudly and drooling profusely on your shirt  
The blood had crusted on her nose and lip and on her cheek a bruise was starting to grow and darken  
You didnt ask her what happened, she would tell you if she wanted too, but you knew she wouldn't. She didn't need to, you already had a pretty fuckin good idea what happened, or really _who_ happened 

  
The last time you saw Gamzee Makara he was smoking outside of one of the grimy venues downtown that Rose always drags you to when she wants to get "fucking smashed, my dear brother." You had walked outside where the air was cool compared to the hot venue full of gross sweaty people and the noise of the music was distant, the beat shaking the old building and the ground around it  
You were kind of drunk, so you decided walking around the city in the middle of the night would be a good idea  
You didn't have to walk far to find him  
He was in the alley on the other side of the venue, leaned against the wall smoking  
Only when you walked closer did you smell it  
Whatever he was smoking it wasn't a cigarettes or weed  
It smelled like burning plastic and you covered your nose, your stomach not exactly settled with all the alcohol in your system, and walked closer. Only when you came to stand beside him did he look up  
His eyes were sharp, darting around quickly until they focused on you with what looked like some effort  
His eyes narrowed and he lowered the pipe from his lips  
"Strider" he said  
"Gamzee" you replied  
There was a long, tense silence before he spoke again  
"You got somethin to say or you just gonna stand there?"  
"No, just wanted some fresh air" you said  
He grunted in response, "this ain't exactly the place to be gettin fresh air, brother"  
"Ever think I don't give a shit?" you asked  
He turned to you, eyes still oddly sharp  
"Ever think I do?"  
You raised your eyebrows at him and didn't say a word as you took a place on the wall a few feet from him  
You slid down the wall until you were sitting on the cold, dirty pavement and pulled a cigarette and lighter from your pocket  
For a while you smoked in silence, just the two of you. If you had stopped and thought about it, which you didn't, you would have realized that you've never really talked with him before. Because what was there to say when you both loved the same girl?   
It's not nicotine, it's the action of it, the inhalation of the smoke, the release, it's stress relieving  
You never really liked it, it just burns your lungs, and you've been trying to replace it with vape, which you like a lot better  
Still you sat there in that alley, smoking with Gamzee Makara of all people  
He was right, the smoke from his pipe was rancid and the air was the opposite of fresh but then again you were inhaling smoke so really the air wouldn't have been that fresh anyway  
"So what's with you and Terezi?" You asked, not looking up at him  
Beside you you saw him lower his pipe from his lips but he still didn't look at you  
Finally he said "that ain't none a your business now is it?"  
"Maybe it isn't, maybe it is" you said  
Then he did turn to you  
"And how the fuck is that?"  
"She's my friend" you said   
Gamzee laughed then, an unpleasant sound that you decided then and there you never wanted to hear again  
"What?" You asked, looking up at him  
He took a drag of his pipe and let out a breath of nasty smelling smoke  
"That ain't makin it none a your business, brother"  
You didn't respond, instead you turned to face forward again, leaning your arms on your knees  
Finally you said, "I know what you're doing"  
He didn't answer right away, instead he took another drag of his pipe  
"And what's that?" He asked, like he wasn't really all that interested   
"You know what" you said   
"No, actually my motherfucker I don't got no fuckin clue what you're talkin about"  
"You're hurting her" you said  
"Oh really, and how the fuck is that?"  
"I see it, I've always seen it"  
He turned to you then, eyebrows raised  
"You don't see shit, Strider"  
"I see the bruises" you said, trying to keep a straight face but at this point you knew there was anger in your eyes,  
"I see the way she acts, I've seen it since high school"  
"That why you dumped her ass, eh Strider?"  He took a drag of whatever nasty shit he was smoking and blew smoke out into the already rancid air  
"That doesn't matter, you need to stop" you said  
"Stop motherfuckin what, brother?"  
"What you're doing to Terezi"  
He laughed, "you ain't got no control over me" he said  
You were angry then, more angry than you'd ever been at anyone, even your Bro  
"Yeah, actually, I do"  
He turned to you and gave you a questioning look, "and how's that?"  
"If you don't stop I'll stop you myself" you said simply  
He raised his eyebrows at you and laughed, "oh really?"  
"Yeah, really"  
"And how you gonna do that?" He asked  
"Doesn't matter how" you said  
"Brother you can't do shit to me" he said  
That time it was you that laughed  
"What's so motherfuckin funny?" He demanded  
"You don't know shit about me" you said  
"I know enough bout you to know you ain't no shit, your skinny ass couldn't beat me in a fight"  
You shrugged, "if that's what you wanna think then go for it, I don't really give a fuck what you do as long as you're not hurting Terezi"  
He narrowed his eyes at you  
"I think you motherfuckin do, brother, and I think you ain't got shit to be makin me do anything"  
You turned to him, eyebrows raised, "does Karkat know about this?"  
He went still and looked at you hard "you fuckin wouldn't, Strider"  
You looked hard right back at him, "if it means protecting Terezi then yeah, I fuckin would"  
"Don't you be sayin shit to Karkat, you fucking hear me" he growled  
"Stop hurting Terezi" you countered  
"You ain't got your know onto nothin bout us, what the fuck you think you know?" He said, voice rising and taking a step towards you  
You calmly pushed yourself to your feet and dropped your cigarette to the ground, crushing it out with your red vans covered in hand drawn sharpie dicks  
He sized you up, looking you up and down before grinning  
"You gonna take me Strider?" He asked  
You shrugged, "don't really feel like it but if it's what I gotta do then it's what I gotta do, just like if I gotta tell Karkat about this, I will" you said, looking at him hard  
He growled, "you keep your motherfuckin mouth shut, Strider, or Ima shut it for ya"  
"Keep your hands off Terezi" you countered   
Anger flashed across his face and he lunged forward, taking a swing at you with his fist that you easily dodged  
He tried again, and again, and finally his fist hit the rough concrete of the wall when you side stepped a punch at the last second  
He yelled in pain, shaking his bloody fist, and grabbed you by the front of your sweatshirt, slamming you back against the wall  
You stayed calm, looking back at him with a smile  
"What the fuck you smiling bout?" He demanded  
You didn't reply for a second, just held contact with his drugged up, hyper focused eyes  
"This"  
You brought your knee up into his stomach and braced back against the wall, kicking him back  
He yelled in rage and lunged at you but you just ducked and side stepped  
Gamzee is strong, you knew that, he had a lot of street fighting experience, but you were fast and if your Bro ever did anything for you he at least trained you to be a good fighter  
You evaded most of his blows, making only one of your own when he got too close until you both stood in silence, breathing heavily  
"You gonna leave her alone?" You asked as he straightened up  
He glared at you and wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand, spitting blood onto the dirty pavement  
You knew you were bleeding too but at the time you couldn't give less of a fuck  
"I aint doin nothin, it's up to Terezi what she does and what she does is me" he grinned, showing off his bloody smoke stained yellow teeth, "that shit ain't up to you"  
You took a deep breath and let it out slowly into the cold air  
"Maybe it isn't, I can't tell her what to do and I'm not gonna, but I can tell you that I'm not gonna let you keep doing this to her" you said  
He glared at you and you starred straight faced right back at him  
He said nothing in response, he just pushed passed you and walked out into the street  
Without turning around he said, "you keep your mouth shut, Strider"  
He took a long drag from his gross pipe that looked like it was caked in burnt sugar and released the nasty smelling smoke from his lips into the air  
"You keep away from Terezi" you said, wiping the blood from your face and glancing at the back of your hand  
He didn't reply, he just walked out into the empty street and back into the venue where the beat of the music was shaking everything around you

You spent the rest of the night chilling outside on the curb letting the effects of the alcohol wear off before going back inside to find Rose who was most certainly drunk off her ass by then. You didn't see Gamzee again.  
Now, months later, you sit on the futon with your feet crossed on the coffee table and a bowl of Apple Jacks in your lap, thinking about what happened  
You don't know what you can do to stop this, he was right about one thing, you're not going to tell Terezi what to do and even if you did you don't think she would listen. She's anything if not stubborn as shit.

  
You and Rose's birthday and the holidays passed just like every year, you made food and crammed into Rose and Kanya's small apartment while you watched the first snow of winter fall outside. When you ended up getting snowed in you spent the time decorating a tree that John and Vriska had stolen the from the park down the street the day before with your shitty ornaments. You watched that 25 Days of Christmas specials on ABC and ate a lot of food and Karkat made you all watch Love Actually. You exchanged presents secret Santa style and mostly everyone was happy, even Karkat, who got the new Sims 4 game from Rose. You got a Teen Suicide vinyl from Aradia, which was fuckin awesome, and Terezi got a dragon tshirt from John. Over all it was a good holiday

  
Now it's New Year's Eve, otherwise known as the night everyone gets fucking trashed, and John and Vriska are out getting booze from the convenience store down the street. Those two are the masters of pre gaming, which also makes them the masters of being a pain in your fucking ass when you try to get them home after the party. The New Years party is at Sollux Aradia Eridan and Feferi's, as it is every year, but this year things feel different  
It all feels distant, like you're not actually living it  
You're pretty sure Rose is drinking way more than she should be but you can't exactly say anything to her about it. You're avoiding Dirk like the fucking plauge because yes, you know your Bro was shitty and you know it fucked you up, you know he's right about that, but you don't want to fucking talk about it and he just won't let it go. Then there's whatever the fuck is going on with Gamzee and Terezi and Karkat is stuck in between, knowing jack shit about whats going on.  
You keep thinking that you have to tell him, that he has to know, if someone else knows then maybe you can help her  
Gamzee aside, something is up with Terezi as it is, she sleeps too much or she she doesn't sleep enough and she always seems tired. She spends most of her time on the futon in your apartment, watching tv with you with a blank expression on her tired face, barely commenting on the show the way she usually does. She's started taking your cigarettes, she sits outside on the curb, breathing in smoke and looking blankly at the passing bikes and cars.

  
You sit alone in your apartment thinking about this as you wait for John and Vriska to get back from the convenience store  
When you can't take your thoughts anymore you distract yourself by watching recorded episodes of SpongeBob on the tv and shit posting on your blog, by the time they get back you've been thoroughly distracted   
They burst through the door, talking loudly and carrying a box of cheap beer   
"Hey dude!" John calls, waving and dropping the box of beer onto the kitchen table, "what is uuuuup?"  
"Not much" you reply, watching them in part amusement part tired resignation, this is how it goes with them every New Years  
"Daaavveee, oh my goooooooosh, we got a shit ton of..." Vriska trails off, seeming to have forgotten what she was going to say  
"Booze?" You offer  
Her and John look at each other and break into huge smiles  
"Fuck yeah we did!"  
The try to high five but miss and just end up sloppily kissing  
"You guys are so fucking gross, get a room that doesn't also contain my bed because I swear to god if I find out you fucked on my bed again I'm going to cut your dick off, John"  
They ignore you and keep kissing

  
You groan, roll your eyes and retreat into your room  
You grew up sharing a room with Dirk, and later Rose when you moved in with the Lalondes, so you're used to it, but fucking on you're bed, that you're not cool with  
You close the door behind you and start pulling off your cloths  
You lean over to check your phone as you pull your shirt over your mess of white blonde hair and kick off your pants  
Message notifications from Rose, Karkat, Terezi and John fill up your screen. You should probably get back to them but you decide to take a shower and get changed first, you've gotta get ready for this party.  
You struggle with the hooks on your binder as you look down trying to read the messages

 **tentacledTherapist [TT]** started pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:33 am  
**TT** : Dave  
**TT** : You are going to the New Years party, correct?  
**TT** : If so, make sure John brings alcohol  
**TT** : See you there   
**tentacledTherapist [TT]** ceased pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:34 am

 **carcinoGeneticist [CG]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:15 am  
**CG** : hey dude  
**CG** : are you going to this party?  
**CG** : Terezi is dragging me and I need someone to keep me sane  
**CG** : dude  
**CG** : answer me asshole  
**CG** : whatever message me when you're done being a huge pulsing dick  
**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** ceased trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:17 am

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:03 am  
**GC** : hey coolkid  
**GC** : you going to the party?  
**GC** : come on don't be a lamo  
**GC** : Dave  
**GC** : Daaave  
**GC** : Daaaaaveee  
**GC** : Okay fine  
**GC** : See you there  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:07 am

 **ectoBiologist [EB]** started pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 10:43 am  
**EB** : heeeey dude  
**EB** : what is uuuuuup?  
**EB** : me and Vriska are out getting some booooze  
**EB** : see you in like  
**EB** : an hour  
**EB** : seeeeeeee yaaaaaaaa Striiiiiiiiideeeeeeeer  
**EB** : that was Vriska, obviously, anyway  
**EB** : later dick bag   
**ectoBiologist [EB]** ceased pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 10:44 am

Once you've finally pulled the binder over your head, having given up on the hooks, you toss the sweaty rolled up spandex onto your mess of a bed and pick your way through the dirty laundry and cords and cables that lead to nowhere all over your floor to the shower  
You take a long shower listening to your music and jamming like hell, not thinking about the shit that was making you anxious earlier

 _I could go back then (back then)_  
_If I could go back when (back when)_  
_And step into the past (way back)_  
_I'd do it all again (aaaaagain)_  
_If I could go back then (baaaaack then)_  
_If I could go back when (baaaaack when)_  
_I was a stupidass (duuuuumbaaaaass)_  
_I'd do it all again (aaaaagain)_

You fuckin love Watsky  
When you get out of the shower you dry off and dig through your pile of clean laundry for some clean clothes  
You grab a clean binder, the only other one you own because you're gross like that and start the arduous process of getting it on  
All you know is you're damn lucky to have a small chest, you can't imagine dealing with this shit if you had anything bigger than an A cup  
Once you get the binder on you pull on a pair of boxers with little records all over them, a pair of pants, a Tigers Jaw shirt and your red sweatshirt and you're ready to go. Right after you fix your fucking hair.   
After spending fifteen minutes messing with the little piece of hair on the side of your head that always curls with no success you walk back out into the kitchen where thankfully John and Vriska are no longer making out  
"You ready to go strider!?" Vriska asks  
"Ready when you are, Serket" you reply  
Vriska and John fist pump  
"Lets DO this"  
They run down the hallway in front of you, or attempt to anyway, it's more like stumbling, while you reach to close the door behind you.

 

**Terezi**

Gamzee hasn't been doing anything around you, besides chain smoking cigarettes, but you know he's still doing it when he goes outside and comes back with a haze over his purple eyes   
Where he used to smell of cigarettes and weed he now smells of burning plastic and piss and you find it makes you want to throw up more than you already do.  
He hasn't lost it on you since you got back from Dave's a few weeks ago but you can still feel that tension there, right bellow the surface, ready to break. What you also feel is something new. You haven't said anything about the drugs and you've been doing your best not to set him off. Every time you look at him your stomach twists with anxiety and you want to say something, anything, but you don't. Instead, for the first time in your life, you keep your mouth shut. You don't know if its a good thing or not.

After you left that night Gamzee blew up your phone with messages but this time you didn't reply, you couldn't even bring yourself to read them  
Instead you sat with Dave watching a Dragon Ball Z marathon and eating microwave burritos for breakfast. When John and Vriska got home you took turns playing Lego Star Wars on the PS2 and like that you could almost forget what was eating at your stomach. Except that Vriska barely acknowledge you. You haven't talked a lot since you moved out, you don't think she was mad at you for moving and if she was you would know, but you do think she's mad about who you moved in with.

Vriska never liked Gamzee very much, you don't know why, she never gave a reason and you never asked, but in classic Vriska fashion she wasn't exactly subtle about it. Vriska was a bitch, still is, but she's your sister, your best friend, and if anyone knows you its her. Sometimes you think she was right when she told you he wasn't good for you, but of course you didn't listen. He was your best friend, you had grown up together, how could Vriska not like him? She was just being a bitch, as usual.   
You're almost positive that she knows about you and Gamzee and she's not happy about it. You hid it from her after high school which was easy considering how much she partied, she barely paid attention to you and you were okay with that. But now she's calmed down, she got back together with John and since then she's been slightly less out of hand...slightly, so she has the sense to notice when something is off, and something is off. You're actually surprised she hasn't confronted you about it but it's probably because you haven't seen much of her. You're thankful for that at least.

When you went back to your apartment a few days later Gamzee said he was sorry, he said he wouldn't do it again, he said a lot of things.  
You knew it wasn't true, but you didn't want to think about that, so you punched him in the arm and said it was okay.  
You ended up in his bed laughing and kissing and talking about going out that night.  
It made it easy to forget what was going on, easy to think of the good times  
But the times weren't good and you knew it because after that first day things just got bad again  
Karkat wasn't around much because of work, which gave you two plenty of alone time together, a fact that you came to dislike    
Sometimes it's good, like it used to be, you sit and watch tv, you make lunch and by lunch you mean microwave mini pizzas, and go hang out at the park, but most of the time it's not good

You hung out at the park the day after you came back  
You were feeling good, happy, all the tiredness that has been in you seemed to have gone, well almost, underneath you knew it was there, it was only a matter of time, but at the time you didn't want to thinking about it. You were just swinging, talking normally, he was smoking a cigarette and taking sips from a bottle in his hand  
It didn't take him long to get drunk and once he was he started asking about where you went the day before. You didn't answer, not wanting him to know you went to Dave's, and he got angry  
"You went to motherfuckin Striders!?" He had yelled, once you had finally given in and told him, sticking his face close to yours and glaring at you with his fevered drunken eyes.   
Your heart was beating fast but you tried to keep your voice firm  
"You're drunk, I'm not talking to you like this" you said, getting up off the swing and turning to leave  
You were barely off the seat when he grabbed you by the wrists, yanking you back with a harsh, "where the fuck you think you're goin?"  
You pulled your wrist from his grasp and spun on him  
"What the hell Gamzee?"  
He just glared back at you  
"What the fuck you stayin at Strider's for?"  
"Because you got fucking high and ran me out of the apartment, or do you not remember that?" you said  
"I fuckin apologized!"  
You laughed, "I don't believe you"  
He glared at you, "why the fuck not?"  
"Seriously Gamzee? Why don't I believe you? Because you never fucking stop! You just keep drinking and smoking and then you do this shit!" you yelled, gesturing to the bruises still on your face  
He stopped and glared at you, taking in what you said  
"I don't gotta take this shit from you, you a useless little bitch who ain't got no shit to be sayin to me, that's what you think a yourself right? That's how you wanna be treated? Thats how I'm gonna fuckin treat ya." 

You bit the inside of your cheek and looked down, "it doesn't matter what I think of myself, that has nothing to do with how you treat me"  
"The motherfuck it ain't, it's got everythin to do with it" he said   
You looked up and glared at him "is that really what you're using to justify this, what hole in your fucking stoner brain did you pull that from?" You demanded  
"Shut the fuck up bitch or I swear to god I'ma shut you up myself" he yelled, towering over you   
You did, your eyes widening as you looked up at him  
He shook his head, looking almost sad, "What the motherfuck happened to you, baby girl?" He asked  
"What happened to me?" you asked, "oh I don't know, my best friend has made it his personal mission to never be sober and when I try to stop him he fucking beats me until I shut up!" 

"How am I doin that to ya!?" he demanded. 

"You take everything out on me! I know you've got shit, so do I, we all do, but you don't see me hurting the people I say I care about because of it!" you said  
"I can't be controllin what I do when I'm like that!"  
"I know! That's why you need to stop!"  
"Don't be talkin like I'm the only one who's got problems, you gotta stop with that shit" He said, gesturing to your left arm  
You bit your lip and looked down, "don't change the subject"  
"Why the fuck you doin that, huh? Are you fuckin stupid?" he demanded   
"I don't know okay, and even if I did you don't have any right to know" you said   
"The motherfuck I don't, you're mine" he said, shoving you hard. You stumbled back but kept on your feet.  
"You don't own me, Gamzee" you said, shoving him back   
He grabbed your shirt then and yanked you forward, leaning close to your face  
"You're an unappreciative, disrespectful little bitch, you know that?" he said   
You scoffed and yanked his hands from your shirt, taking a step back but keeping your eyes on his   
"Disrespectful? Are you fucking serious, Gamzee?"  
"Yeah I'm fuckin serious, bitch, what would you be without me, huh? Everythin I do for you you owe me some respect"  
"I don't owe you anything Gamzee, what the fuck have you ever done for me? I don't understand, what the hell is wrong with you?" you demanded   
He glared at you, "you're what the fuck is wrong with me, what the fuck you think I wanna be like this? You fuckin doin this to me!"  
"Oh I'm doing it, it's not the drugs? I know you're still doing it Gamzee, I'm not a fucking idiot, you need to stop!"  
"You ain't got no right to tell me to do nothin!"  
"Oh I don't? You can stand there and demand respect from me but I can't tell you to stop getting high every fucking day!"  
He growled and stepped forward and involuntarily you flinched  
He stopped, a look of confusion on his face, and then anger  
"What the fuck was that?" he demanded  
You straightened up and gave him a hard look  
"What?"  
"That fuckin flinchin you doin" he said, waving his hand at you  
"It's nothing Gamzee" you said, hugging yourself and glaring at the mulch at your feet  
"What you think ima hit you, huh?" he demanded  
You scoffed, "uh, yeah, sorry I kind of developed the reaction since, I don't know, you've fucking hit me before!"  
He shoved you into the poll of the swing set then, hands fisted in your shirt  
"I fuckin got my apologies on girl what the fuck else you want from me!?"  
You put your hands against his chest and shoved him away from you, putting your hand to the place where he had grabbed you, "what and that means I have no right to be upset!? You fucking hit me Gamzee! You've been treating me like shit ever since your dad died and all you do is blame it on me, how am I not allowed to be upset about that!?"  
"I motherfuckin apologized! How many times do I gotta say it!?" he yelled   
"Yeah but you don't mean it! Or at least you stopped meaning it a long time ago! You don't give a fuck about me!"  
"I care about you baby girl, more than fuckin anythin! You _know_ that"  
"If you cared about me you wouldn't do this shit!" you said. You were shaking then and you could feel tears building in your eyes but you pushed them back. You weren't going to cry in front of him, you couldn't.  
"You shut your mouth! You do and say all this shit to yourself and you expect me to do nothin bout it when I see ya hurtin!? If you're bein stupid I'm gonna smack some sense into ya, I ain't apologizin again for that" he screamed  
You took a deep breath, shaking  
Your stomach twisted because your mind was screaming that he was right, it was your fault.  
You looked up at him trying to keep the pain off of your face but apparently it didn't work because as soon as you looked up her grabbed you by the hair and shook you roughly, "quit it with that little face, bitch, motherfuckin quit it or I swear ta-"  
"I'm sorry" you said shakily. You don't know why you apologized, you hadn't done anything, but he was angry, angry at you. You had to have done something wrong, right? And really you just wanted to stop this fight, you were too tired for this.   
"Ya should be" he snarled, shoving you back hard against the poll of the swingset and spitting chewing tabacco into the mulch. And that was the end of it, he stormed off and you were left there alone in the middle of that playground  
You sunk to the mulch then, pulling your knees to your chest  
Maybe you did deserve this, you never should have done that, he was just trying to help you  
No, it's not okay, even if he does do it for you it isn't right, neither are the drugs  
But he's having a hard time  
You clutched your head  
Why can't you get your mind to shut the fuck up, why can't it just STOP  
You just sat there for a while, suddenly so tired  
You're always so tired lately

 

**Gamzee**

It's snowing out and you watch the ice crystals fall lazily in the isolated fraction of warm light from the apartment  
You open your mouth and blow smoke into the cold air and watch it dance around the snow  
Inside the apartment you can hear the hum of slurred words and shaky laughs and the occasional collective whoop as someone takes a shot  
You turn and look through the glass doors and watch the blurry shapes of your friends inside  
The New Year was an hour ago and after the clock hit 12:00 am you had gone outside to smoke and get some air while everyone screamed and cheered from inside, loudly and drunkenly singing along to 'I Want It That Way'   
You sip at your beer, the one you've been drinking all night, while you watch John getting his ass beat by Vriska at a drinking game. Over in the kitchen Dave is trying to keep Rose from spilling her drink all over Kanaya while she tries to kiss her  
Sollux is slumped on the couch with his phone held close to his face, long fingers tapping away at some stupid game he's playing  
His face is set in the hard lines of a natural glower as he narrows his eyes at the glowing screen through bicolored glasses and sips periodically at a can of beer. Every half hour or so Feferi dances over to him, all drunken smiles, and gives him a mixed drink. With a giggle and an exclamation of how cute he is when he's grumpy, she makes her way back over to the kitchen to offer coffee to Eridan, who is wholly and entirely sad drunk  
When she does this Sollux gives her his crooked smile, a sharp lined, weak attempt at something warm, and looks at her fondly before going back to his phone  
Eridan is having an "I'm not drunk I don't even feel it" philosophical discussion with Tavros at the counter who looks down at his mug of hot chocolate like he really doesn't want to be there but it's hard for him to move around in his wheelchair with all these people. Nepeta is climbing everything in the apartment and Equius is pretty much loosing his shit over the possibility of her falling. Normally she would never fall being an experienced rock climber, but she's had way more alcohol than her tiny body can handle, not a good combination.  
Usually you would be drinking and smoking more than all of your friends combined but tonight you need a clear head, you promised Terezi   
You throw your cigarette down into the city below and leave the cold for the warmth of the apartment  
When you push your way back inside, Nepeta decides that you are her next climbing challenge and before you can move she's on your shoulders giggling drunkenly  
Equius runs over a moment later looking strained behind dark, fractured glass  
"Ah, Gamzee, I am very sorry. Nepeta is acting incredibly inappropriately. I apologize" he says, looking pointedly up at her  
She leans over your head and sticks out her little tounge, " _you're_ acting inappropriately" she says mockingly  
You smile. It's not an insincere smile, you really are fond of her, but you're not really focused on the situation, you have shit to do  
"It's no problem my brother, little sis can climb whatever she wants, I don't mind" you say  
Equius looks very uncomfortable, hands in fists and skin shining with sweat  
Seeing this you bend down and Nepeta jumps off your shoulders, landing hard on the dirty carpeted floor  
You muss her short black hair and she gives you a cleft lipped smile before jumping over the couch in one movement and disappearing into the group of people chanting while Rose downs an impressive amount of wine straight from the bottle  
Equius gives you a thankful look before pushing his way after her, trying to avoid knocking anyone over   
You look around the room until you see her  
She's making her way towards you through the crowded apartment which involves climbing over furniture and hitting people with her cane  
She stumbles out of the crowd and comes to stand by your side  
"Hey Gamz"   
"Hey baby girl"  
She looks up at you, "Karkat is asleep and I don't really want to see what happens when Vriska finally looses a game, you wanna get out of here?"  
You smile and pull her to your side with an arm around her shoulders  
"Thought you'd never ask baby girl"  
She gives you a wide smile and grabs your arm and you let her pull you through the crowd to the bedrooms down the hallway  
You stop at Aradia and Feferi's room, inside Karkat is asleep on Aradia's bed  
You go over to the bed and Terezi shakes him roughly  
"Ah fuck Terezi what do you want?" He asks, glaring up at her through hazy eyes, still half asleep  
"We're peacin the fuck out best friend" you say. When he doesn't respond you grin and offer, "I can carry you"  
He glares at both of you but climbs onto your back and wraps his arms around your neck with only minimal bitching. In a minute he's asleep again.  
You say goodbye to everyone as you leave, using Karkat as the obvious excuse, and are met by a mess of drunken responses ranging from booing to cheering   
Dave tells Terezi to tell Karkat that he's a looser when he wakes up but is distracted mid sentence by Rose throwing up  
You walk out of the apartment and the loudness becomes just a hum from behind closed doors  
You naturally follow Terezi's quick heavy steps at a lazy pace  
She waits for you at the bottom of the stairs  
When you catch up she pushes through the doors to the outside and you follow, closing the doors behind you  
It's silent outside  
The snow has covered the street and you begin to walk through the cold  
Beside you Terezi bounds through the snow with quick little steps and a grin on her lips  
When she tires of this she takes your arm and leans her head against it, letting her feet drag in the snow  
"What are we going to do?" She asks, almost like she wasn't even meaning to say it out loud  
"Dunno" you reply  
She doesn't look up at you but you get the sense she's giving you her annoyed look  
"We have to do something" she says  
"I know" you reply  
She does look up at you now  
"Well then help me figure it out"  
You shake your head and shrug  
"It's no big, sis, just keep with it you know" you say  
She glares at you  
"Yes it is big and I can't just keep with it. This isn't good, Gamz. I know you don't care but can't even your druggie brain grasp that we are in way deep right now" she demands  
You feel that anger push up inside you but you push it down  
You have to control yourself, you can't keep loosing it on her or she'll leave, and you can't let that happen   
"Yeah I know, sis" you say  
"Then help me" she pleads  
You look back at her now  
"Okay, we'll talk. Let's just get Karbro home first"  
She visibly relaxes  
"Okay" she says and after a moment, "thanks, Gamz"  
"Anytime, Terecita"

  
Once you get to the apartment you climb the stairs and deposit Karkat in his bed  
In the dark glow of the apartment Terezi is barely visible but for an outline  
She leans down next to Karkat and from what you can see of her face her expression is tender  
She smooths back his hair the way you're sure she's seen Kanaya do and pulls the blanket up to cover his body  
With that she straightens back up and follows you out the door  
You walk in silence in the snow for a while  
There's a place behind Spades bar where there's a hot air vent. It's dry and warm back there so you sit down on the ground beside each other  
You don't look at each other  
She drops her head against your shoulder  
"He's going to hate us" she says quietly  
"I know"  
"But I can't keep lying to him"  
"You have to"  
She looks up at you now  
"Why, why can't we just tell him"  
"Because it's not something you motherfuckin tell, sister, you know it'll break his heart" you say  
Her face shows that she begrudgingly agrees with you  
She groans in frustration and presses her face against your arm  
"I don't want to do this"  
"Well we're doing it"  
"I know"  
"Then motherfuckin accept it and keep with it, I don't know what else to tell you baby girl" you say  
She pulls away from your arm and looks up at you angrily  
"Tell me something to help, Gamzee! You don't even care, do you?" she says  
You feel the anger again  
"You know I care about him more than fucking anything" you growl  
"Then why are you doing this? Why are _we_ doing this? If you really cared about him you would tell him" she says  
Anger  
"Shut up" you say, warning  
"Or what? What are you going to do?" She demands  
"I said shut the motherfuck up, Terezi" you say  
At her full name she faulters a little but stands her ground  
Stubborn as ever  
"And I said what are you going to do? Are you going to hit me? Do it, I dare you, Gamzee. Hit me, kill me for all I care, you would be doing me a favor! It's not like you care about me and it's not like you care about Karkat so stop acting like you do!" She cries  
You hit her hard, once across the face, but it's enough to make her double over  
She sits in silence for a while and you're still as you watch her  
She's shaking as she looks up at you and you expect anger, you expect her to hit back but she doesn't  
She just looks tired  
She still has her pride though  
Blinking hard a few times to clear back the tears she sits up  
Her face is emotionless  
There is a split in her cheek and her upper lip  
She wipes the bit of blood away and tries to disguise a wince  
You break from your trance  
"Terezi-" you start  
She holds up one small hand smudged with blood  
"Stop, Gamzee. It's fine. It's my fault I shouldn't have said that. I crossed a line"  
"Sis"  
She looks at you hard  
"Drop it, Gamzee. Just drop it. This didn't happen. I slipped and fell on the ice" she says  
"But sis-"  
You rounds on you now looking angry  
"Leave it alone Gamzee, it doesn't matter!"   
"I wasn't gonna apologize, never happened just like you said"  
Her face turns more to questioning than anger  
"Then what do you need to say so badly" she asks  
"You said killing you would be doing you a favor"  
She stills, not saying anything  
"It's not" you say  
"What's not?" she asks, eyes on the ground and little hands in fists at her sides   
"Killing you. It's not a fucking favor Terezi so don't fucking say that it is" you say  
She gives you a strange look and then shakes her head, laughing a little  
"Yeah, because you care about me so much right?" She says, lifting her head and putting the bruise already growing on her face in full view for emphasis  
"You don't wanna die, sis" you say  
She laughs a little but it's hollow, almost a cough  
"Yeah, Gamzee, yeah I do" she says  
You're getting angry again  
"Why, why the motherfuck would you want that?" You demand  
She stills, but her breath is heavy making smoke in the cold air  
"Do I really need a reason?"  
"No because there's no motherfuckin reason to want that sister"  
She laughs again  
"I think my reason is sitting right here" she says  
You grab her by the coat and jerk her towards you  
She looks up at you with a blank face and cold eyes  
You shake her roughly, leaving her head hanging forward. She doesn't bother to lift it.  
"You gotta stop this Tez" you say  
She doesn't answer  
"Tez"  
"Stop" she says, her voice quiet  
She looks up at you then, small hands covering yours which are still fisted in the material of her coat  
"Please just stop" she says  
She sounds more tired than angry now  
"Stop motherfuckin what, sister? Elaborate" you say  
She meets your eyes  
"Stop acting like you care about anyone but yourself. Stop acting like you care about me"  
"I do" you say  
"No you don't" she says  
"Don't tell me what I do and don't, little sister"  
"No, you don't care about me. Maybe you did once but you don't anymore. You wouldn't do this if you did. You care about loosing me. That's what you care about"  
"Why would I care about that" you ask  
She looks at you hard  
"If you lost me then who would you take your anger out on?" She asks  
You growl  
She laughs  
"Yeah that's what I thought" she says  
"Why the motherfuck do you stay then sis, you can motherfucking leave" you say  
She laughs again  
"You know that's not true, Gamzee"  
"And why not?"  
"Where am I going to go where you can't find me? Even if I wanted to leave it would be useless to try"  
You look at her where she sits there, looking so small and resigned to her fate, the fate you share. You shrug, "guess you're stuck with me then, Terecita"  
She looks almost sad for a moment and shakes her head, sighing "yeah, I guess I am"  
You sit in silence like that for a while watching the snow fall  
Neither of you seem to want to be the first to suggest going back to the apartment so you just sit there like that by that bar, side by side, shivering and breathing warmth into the cold air  
It's easy to detach your mind in a place like this  
No words are needed  
Just individual thought and shared touch  
Two minds thinking together, two bodies sharing warmth  
Eventually Terezi falls asleep against your arm, small hands holding on loosely to the material of your coat  
You decide not to wake her, the bruises under her pale almond eyes, the ones that you didn't put there, tell you that she needs sleep  
You lift her up, holding her warm little body against your own, and walk out into the snow. It has to be 3am by now and the snow keeps falling. You watch it fall through the warm pools of light from the street lamps and your breath makes smoke in the cold air  
You can feel Terezi's warm breath against your neck as you walk  
You can hear her heart beating, opposite to your own  
Your mind finds its way back to her words  
What she said about you not caring about her, about her not caring about her own life.  
It hurt you to hear that. That she didn't care if she died. That she welcomed it, wanted it, and was perfectly content with you being the one to do it.  
You wonder when she stopped caring if you hurt her. You think it had to be when she stopped caring about herself, which was a long time ago. She used to be so alive. Now she's empty and you're watching as this sickness kills her slowly, knowing that you have some part in why.  
You think about those times that you hurt her and you try to find the point where she broke, where she stopped hitting back, where she stopped using the soft skin of her arms to take bruises for her face, where she stopped caring about herself  
You have no real emotion attached to the events, but then again you have no real emotion attached to much of anything anymore. Most you barely remember let alone why. She probably deserved it, she always does, but when you want it to pretty much anything can make her deserving.  
It's been three years now since it started, this thing with you and her and you don't remember much, but you do remember one of the first times you hit her, when you were still in high school  
You were high, as usual  
Things had been deteriorating for both of you. You were both falling apart from the inside with only breakable bodies holding you together. You were filling your lungs with smoke, allowing it to plant it's sickness in your body and it's bliss in your brain. She was sitting with you, always with you. You gave her a cigarette. She took it and you lit it for her. For a while she just looked at it, watching the way that heat destroys with her sightless eyes. You told her to smoke it and she did. But she didn't, not really. She took the smoke into her mouth and breathed it back into the air. She smiled at the smoke she couldn't see and put the cigarette to her lips again. She never let it into her lungs, she never let the sickness into her body, she never let the drug calm her mind. She just sat there with you, breathing smoke into the silence.  
It was normal for you both to sit in silence like that, calmly enjoying each other's company, but when you started drinking she didn't seem so calm  
When she tried to take the bottle of liquor from you, you didn't think, you just hit, hard  
Your mind was hazy like heat on asphalt and so you see her again in waves of memory  
She was still, holding a small hand to her face where already a bruise was taking root  
Her lip had a pink split and all you could think is that you wanted to kiss it better  
But of course you couldn't do that, you don't have the capacity to heal, only hurt  
She didn't say anything  
Not like the times that would follow when she still had her fight left  
But this was one of the first times and she was too in shock to move  
And so she just sat there beside you in silence, looking down at the dirty carpet almost like she was afraid to set you off again  
After you burnt away the rest of the drugs in mind numbing smoke you put your arms around her and she didn't pull away so you kissed her and she kissed back and that was that  
And she never said a word to you about it  
Later you apologized, you used to do that a lot  
You would like to think you really meant it, just as you would like to think you really care about her, but as she said, if you did then you wouldn't do what you do  
She said it was okay and told you not to do it again  
You told her that you wouldn't  
Later when you told her this again she turned her newly bruised face to you and told you not to make promises you couldn't keep

 

**Karkat**

When you wake up you hear voices cutting through the silence of the room  
It's an argument, a hushed one  
"You really are useless little bitch"  
"Stop it Gamzee, what if I said that to you, how would you feel?"  
"I'd like to see you fuckin try, bitch, I'd beat your little ass so quick you wouldn't know what hit ya and you know it. Face it girl, you aint nothin"  
"Just leave me alone okay, I can't help it, why do you think I keep this to myself, it's no ones problem but my own, I don't want it to effect you"  
"Well it sure as fuck is! What the fuck you got to say for that?" he yells  
You sit up push the blankets aside and rub your eyes as you get up from the mattress  
You walk quietly over to the door and peer around the door frame out into the darkness  
Gamzee and Terezi are in the living room, still in their snow covered coats and shoes, glaring at each other   
Then Terezi looks down and bites her lip, looking blindly at the living room floor  
"We need to stop yelling, we're going to wake up Karkat" she says, her voice almost pleading  
"Not till you be fuckin gettin your answer on with me"   
"I know it's effecting you, I know and I'm sorry, I just..."  
"Just motherfuckin what?" he demands  
"I don't know how to make it stop!" she says, fighting to keep her voice from breaking   
"Well you better figure it the fuck out cause if I be findin out you doin that shit where you cut up your arms again then maybe I will beat your ass"  
Terezi's little hands curl into fists at her sides and she squeezes her eyes shut  
"Go ahead, like I said before, you'd be doing me a favor"  
He lunges at her, grabbing her by the hair and shaking her hard

You take a sharp breath and tighten your grip on the door frame  
"Shut your mouth about that, ya hear me?"  
"You can't make me do anything" she spits, glaring up at him   
"Oh I can't? Motherfuckin watch me!"  
With that he turns towards her bedroom and yanks her after him by the hair  
She squeaks in pain and grabs his hands, trying to yank them off her hair  
"Gamzee let go!" She cries   
He doesn't answer, he just drags her into her room and slams the door  
There's complete silence for a moment and then you hear their voices again, more quiet this time  
"I'm sorry baby girl, I'm sorry"  
That's Gamzee  
"No you're not"  
That's Terezi  
Then their voices stop and all you hear is them shifting and then what sounds like growing sobs  
"I know baby girl, I know" Gamzee says, his voice suddenly soft and soothing   
Terezi doesn't answer, instead you hear the covers shift and the bed creak and them shifting on the bed  
"Come on baby girl, just close your eyes, it's gonna be okay"  
She doesn't say anything  
"There we go, that's it, that's my good girl"  
"We shouldn't be doing this..."  
"We shouldn't be doin anything we do"   
"Karkat's going to hear us..."  
"No he won't, boys a heavy sleeper"  
"Not that heavy"  
"He ain't gonna hear us now shut your little mouth"  
"Sorry"  
"Shut up baby girl"  
She does and because of the thinness of the shitty apartment walls you have the distinct pleasure of hearing everything that happens after that  
After a few minutes you can't take it anymore and go back to your bed  
You crawl back under the covers and turn away from the wall but you can still hear them  
You hear Gamzee say, "I love you, Terezi"  
There's a pause before there's any answer and then Terezi says, "no you don't"  
He doesn't say anything more and the noises get louder so you put your pillow over your head and grab your phone  
You open up trollian and check to see if Dave is on  
He is, like always, so you send him a quick message

 **carcinoGeneticist [CG]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 2:45am  
**CG** : hey  
**TG** : sup  
**CG** : you know how we were talking about that movie?  
**TG** : the one with the Swedish girl who has that tattoo?  
**CG** : yeah, want to watch it?  
**TG** : it's like three in the morning dude  
**CG** : I know but I can't sleep and I know you never sleep so I figured you would be up  
**CG** : also if I stay in this apartment any longer I'm gonna loose my shit  
**TG** : okay I'm not even gonna ask  
**TG** : come over whenever  
**CG** : be right there  
**carcinoGeneticist [CG]**  ceased trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 2:45am

You lock your phone and get up from bed  
Making sure Gamzee and Terezi are no longer making any noise to indicate that they're awake you walk quietly through the carpeted living room and pull open the door closing it gently behind you  
Outside the snow has stopped falling and everything is silent  
You can see the indentations in the snow where Gamzee and Terezi walked in that have been since been covered by more snow  
You take a breath of painfully cold air and step out into the snow  
Dave's is only down the street but it's far enough away from your apartment that you already feel better  
But underneath the calm you're still sick to your stomach


	7. stuck between two good things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “"Lord knows  
> I'm stuck between two good things, but I just wanna get out  
> Mom knows  
> I should have been home an hour ago  
> But I'm still outside, not doing anything wrong  
> Just walking in circles, replaying high school songs in my head  
> Because it's better than lying awake"  
> -Modern Baseball- [Two Good Things](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPFg_yibg9M)  
>   
> Dave deals with family problems but what the fuck else is new  
> Also Calliope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta make coffee and go to work so I wanted to post this. Also I finally caught up with Homestuck and it feels so nice to experience upd8s again with everyone. I love being part of this family, here's to year 7!

**Dave**   
   
You're freezing your ass off  
You stand outside a High School, shaking in your thin ass red sweatshirt and wishing you were anywhere but here right now  
It's been a week since the New Years party and you're still really fucking confused but Karkat refused to tell you anything about why he insisted on coming over at  three in the morning because he would loose his shit if he stayed in his apartment   
You weren't gonna bug him about it so you just spent the night watching movies. You watched Stuck In Love and Karkat cried and then fell asleep against you. He hasn't gone back since.  
All in all it was pretty frikin cute but now you're left wondering just what the fuck is going on and even more so, does it have anything to do with Terezi  
  
"Yo Davey you got anything to smoke?"  
You turn to your sister, who's typing away on her phone, pink bedazzled nails clacking against the screen, and raise your eyebrows   
"You smoke?"  
Roxy nods, popping the pink bubblegum in her mouth loudly, her pink eyes shining, "duh, I've been smokin since I was like...thirteen dude"  
"I thought you quit when me and Dirk moved in"  
She bites her bright pink painted lip and looks to the side, "I kiiiiindaaa started again, ya know, since i don't really drink anymore"  
You shrug , "whatever, do what you want"  
"Oh shoosh, you smoke too don't be givin me that shit, you're turnin into Dirk" she says  
"Please never say that again" you say, not even bothering to remind her for the tenth time that you're trying to quit   
She laughs, "oh give'm a break, he's just worryin and all that shit, you know how he is "  
"Yeah and he's bein a huge pulsing dick about it" you grumble  
"I said shoosh, now you got any cigs or not?"  
"One, I don't because, sidenote, I'm trying to quit as I have told you probably ten fucking times; two, you can't smoke outside a fuckin high school; and three, don't say 'cigs', its like the most douche bag thing ever it's like calling weed 'tree'" you say  
She laughs, "I've always called them cigs, it's cool"  
"Rox, s ometimes I fuckin hate you" you say, smiling  
"Aw Davey you know you luv meee" she says, hugging you and smushing her cheek against yours  
You smile and roll your eyes, prying her off of you, "of course I do, Rox. You're the only person in this family that doesn't make me wanna scream"  
"So what are we doin here anyways?" you ask as she goes back to chewing her gum and tapping away ather phone   
"We're waitin for my friend to get out of class" she says, popping a bubble loudly   
"Why do you have a friend in high school?" you ask  
"Cause Callie's awesome, thats why"  
"Oh it's Calliope?"  
"Duh it's Calliope, who else would it be, her dick head brother?" she says   
"Well Dirk still talks to him, and by talk I mean draws shitty porn on MS Paint and sends it to him" you say  
"Dirk just likes fuckin with him, they're like...weird friends or somethin" she says  
"Yeah he's got a lotta weird friends" you say  
She nods, "tru, like the weirdos on that My Little Pony forum-"  
"Nope, nope nope nope nope nope, we are not talking about them" you say  
"Aw is little Davey embarrassed?" she asks, trying to pinch your cheek   
You move out of reach of  her invasive, glittery little fingers and hold her off with you hand, "yes, okay, sorry I don't want to talk about my brother's stupid fetish for cartoon horses"  
"Its not like that, you know he loves Jake"  
"Yeah and that one rainbow pony with the-"  
"Hey there she is!" Roxy calls loudly, cutting you off  
She's jumping in excitement and waving at the steps outside the high school and you turn to see a girl approaching you  
She's small, and very skinny. Her face is sunken and her arms and legs are basically just bone. Her green eyes are huge against her dark skin and sunken cheekbones and she's got thin, wavy white hair. Theres also a large scar on the left side of her face where she was separated from her brother.   
"Calliiieee" Roxy squeals, running forward and tackling the girl in a hug which makes you wince, you know how painful Roxy's hugs can be  
The girl laughs and returns the hug, "hello darling"  
Roxy lets go but keeps her hands on her shoulders, grinning excitedly at her "I missed you!"  
Calliope laughs, "I missed you too Roxy"  
She turns to you, "oh, hello Dave"  
"Sup Callie?"  
She shrugs her boney shoulders, which you have no idea how she manages with her huge neon green backpack on, and looks up at you with her huge green eyes  
"You know, just school"  
"You gettin good grades?" you ask, looking at her in mock sternness  
She grins, "all A's, I am even going to be graduating early"  
Roxy gasps and covers her mouth with her hands, jumping up and down, "Really!? Oh Callie that's awesome!"  
Callie looks down at the pavement and smiles, "thank you, I am quite excited to go to art school...well that is if I get in"  
"Callie gurl you are totes gonna get in, stop worryin" Roxy says, waving her off  
Calliope laughs shyly and smiles, "you really think so?"  
"Of course, you're the best artist I know!"  
"Well thank you Roxy but the school I applied to is quite difficult to get into"  
"Well with your bangin grades and all those clubs an shit you're totes gonna get in I just know it"   
"Well thank you Roxy, I really appreciate the encouragement, Caliborn says-"  
"Oh who gives a shit what that fuck boy says, he's just jealous cause you're the better twin"  
Calliope giggles, "well I would disagree but I think that you may be correct, it is difficult not to let him get to me though with him being my brother and all"  
"Yeah well you won't have to be around that dick anymore now that you're movin' in with me an Janey, speakin a which you got all your stuff?" Roxy asks  
"Oh! Yes its right here" Calliope says, patting her huge backpack  
"Really, that's all you got?" Roxy asks  
"this is everything I need for school and my art supplies and some clothes, everything else is back at the apartment but I couldn't take it without Caliborn getting suspicious"  
"Fuck him, we'll go get it tommorrow and if he tries anything I'll kick his ass, now let's bounce" Roxy says, throwing her arms around you and Calliope and dragging you down the sidewalk   
Roxy and Calliope talk the whole way to the apartment about shitty fanfiction they've read and about Calliope's senior show. You just hang, thinking about the new mix you're working on, with the occasional interjection until you reach Roxy's place   
You climb the stairs up to apartment 214 and walk inside   
"Yo Janey, you here?" Roxy calls   
There's a noise from down the hallway and Jane comes around the corner followed by a little black cat  
Roxy squeals and runs forward, scooping the cat into her arms and cuddling him, "Mutie, Mutie, Mutie!"   
Jane smiles and turns to you and Calliope, "hey Calliope, Dave"  
"Hello Jane" Calliope says, waving   
"sup Crocker?" you say, nodding in her direction  
"Oh not much, just working on some new recipes" she says, giving you buck toothed smile, blue eyes bright.  
"I call being Crocker Corp taste tester!" you say, throwing your hand in the air    
Jane laughs, "thanks Dave, you know I'm always looking for someone to enjoy my baking"  
"You know it Crocker" you say, grinning at her   
"So" Jane says, turning to Roxy, who is still holding the cat, and Calliope, "we have your room ready, you're going to love it, do you have all your things?"  
"She's got some stuff but we're goin back to get the rest of it tomorrow" Roxy says   
Jane nods, "okay, I have work at the diner tomorrow but we can call Dirk and Jake to help"  
"Hells yea, Dirk can deal with Cal and me an Jakey can do the moving" Roxy says  
"Thank you so much, you really did'nt have to do this for me" Calliope says  
"Of course we did, you're our friend Callie" Jane says, smiling and patting her on the shoulder   
"come on, I'll show ya your room" Roxy says, setting down Mutie, grabbing Calliope's wrist and dragging her down that hallway   
Jane smiles after them and turns back to you, "so, you want some cookies?"  
you grin, "fuck yeah I do"  
Once you've eaten half a tray of chocolate chip cookies and are only kind of regretting it your phone buzzes in your pocket and you dig it out, checking your screen   
It's Rose  
You haven't seen much of her lately, and when you do it's at parties and she's usually drunk off her ass. Rose never really drank until you were about sixteen, when you found out your mom was sick and Roxy was still having her problem with alcohol.  
She kept it secret, because she knew Dirk would be worried and he already had enough to worry about with getting Roxy clean, but you knew. You don't know if it's that bullshit twin crap or maybe just that you know her so well but you knew, and you never said anything. You didn't want to get into her business and you were trying to deal with Roxy at the time too. You convinced yourself she didn't have a problem the way that Roxy did but you were worried. You pushed the worry away.    
Dammit why does your family have to be such a fuckin train wreck.   
You sigh and unlock your phone, preparing for the shit fest that you know is coming 

  
**tentecledTherapist [TT]** started pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 4:35pm  
**TT** : Dab  
**TT** : Dabe  
**TT** : Daaaabbbbeeee   
**TG** : ...  
**TT** : Dabey Dabey eggs and bakeeeeyyyy  
**TG** : goddammit Rose  
**TG** : youre drunk aren't you  
**TT** : ...  
**TT** : No?  
**TT** : hehe I'm jk I totes am  
**TG** : and again, i reiterate, goddammit Rose  
**TT** : awwws dont be mabs  
**TT** : mad*  
**TG** : wheres Kanaya  
**TT** : Dunno shes out doin all that awesome shit she does cause she awesome and amazing and beautiful and I love her  
**TG** : ...right  
**TG** : so is there any particular reason you're drunk at four in the afternoon?  
**TT** : hmmm  
**TT** : Nope!  
**TT** : just chillin an grillin like you always say  
**TG** : Rose I do not and have not ever said that phrase in my entire life   
**TT** : Well I'm makin it so ya did, pow!  
**TG** : okay well if you're just going to be drunk during this entire conversation which is turning out to be about literally nothing then ima go  
**TT** : no Dav don go!  
**TT** : Dave*  
**TT** : don't*  
**TT** : I need you!  
**TG** : okay but whatever it is that you need i swear to god Rose is you say anything abnormally stupid at least in the contextual confines of our usual conversations I will hang the fuck up on you  
**TT** : I won't!  
**TG** : okay so what do you need?  
**TT** : come closer  
**TG** : okay pretending that I can actually physically 'come closer' to you I am now moving my face slightly closer to my phone, i am doing it, it is being done   
**TT** : I need   
**TG** : ...  
**TT** : I neeeed  
**TG** : what do you need?  
**TT** : *leans closer*  
**TT** : *pats you faceeee*  
**TT** : *leans closer*  
**TG** : ...  
**TT** : *closeeeer*  
**TG** : ...  
**TT** : *closeeeest*  
**TT** : *whispers*   
**TT** : a tailor   
**TT** : because I ripped my pants!  
**TT** : hehehehehehe *hiccup*  
**TT** : hehehehe *hiccup* *hiccup* hehehehe  
**TG** : okay  
**TG** : thats great  
**TG** : im hanging up now  
**TG** : catch you later when you're not fucking drunk  
**TG** : so maybe never since thats all you seem to be lately   
**TT** : no no no no noes Dave don't go!  
**TT** : I was just joshin   
**TG** : Rose  
**TT** : yeeees?  
**TG** : Rose  
**TT** : *flutters eyelashes* yes oh brober of mine?  
**TT** : brother*  
**TG** : never  
**TG** : fucking  
**TG** : say  
**TG** : that  
**TG** : again  
**TT** : what?  
**TT** : ...joshin? ;)  
**TG** : goddammit you know i hate that Rose   
**TT** : which is extactley whys I dids it  
**TT** : Exactly*  
**TT** : Did*  
**TG** : okay yeah im gonna go now   
**TT** : no wait I'm searesly searus  
**TT** : Seriously*  
**TT** : Serious*  
**TT** : I need you :(  
**TG** : fine, what Rose, what do you need and i swear to fucking god if you say 'tailor' I will reach through digital reality and dump your wine on your fucking head   
**TT** : I need you  
**TG** : yes I know you already said but what do you need me for?  
**TT** : I neeeeeeed yoooouuuu  
**TG** : so you want me to come over?  
**TT** : yes!  
**TG** : will you keep drinking if I don't?  
**TT** : I'ma gonna keeps dribnkings no matters what ya do  
**TT** : Drinking*  
**TG** : yeah not if I take the wine  
**TT** : noooooooeeeeeeesssssss!  
**TT** : Not my wiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeeee!  
**TT** : *clutches wine bottle to chest*  
**TG** : im coming over   
**TT** : yaaaaaaaay  
**TG** : not to drink with you   
**TT** : awwwwwww :(  
**TG** : ill see you in a few Rose just  
**TG** : try not to finish off the bottle before I get there   
**TT** : no purromises ;)  
**TT** : promises*  
**TT** : actually no I like purromises   
**TT** : Cause of cats an stuffs   
**TG** : yeah okay im hanging up now ill see you  
**TT** : Byeeeeeeee Dave!  
**TG** : bye Rose  
   
**turntechGodhead [TG]** ceased being pestered by  **tenetcleThreapist [TT]** at 4:43pm

  
"Yo, I gotta go" you say, standing up and pushing in your chair at the kitchen table   
Jane nods, "okay, see you Dave"  
"See ya Rox, Callie!" you call  
"Byeee Davey!"  
"Goodbye Dave!"  
As you walk out of the apartment and into the cold you pull up your hood and shove your hands in your pockets. You put your earphones in and start jamming your newest 8tracks playlist  
Once you get to Rose and Kanaya's apartment you run up the side steps and knock on the door  
"Coome iiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!" Rose calls from inside   
You sigh, you really don't want to deal with this right now  
You stomp the snow off your shoes and turn the door nob, pushing through the door into the nice little apartment. You stop in the doorway and look at the absolute mess in the living room. On the couch Rose is laying face down, giggling into a fancy purple pillow and. She lifts her head and smiles at you. Her makeup is smeared and her hair is a mess, her black headband slipping off onto her forehead. "Daaavvveee!" she calls, lifting up a bottle of wine in greeting.  
You look at her straight faced behind your shades, "sup Rose?"  
She pushes herself into a sitting position and sets the bottle of wine in her lap, "jus gettin druuuunk!" she says, raising the bottle of wine in the air and falling back giggling onto the couch cushions   
You sigh and walk over to her, looking down at where she lays smiling drunkenly up at you with dull purple eyes that can't seem to focus on you.  
"wooooaaaah Dave, you look tired" she says, trying to push herself up but falling back against the pillows   
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep like, all week" you say  
With a lot of difficulty she finally manages to push herself up into a sitting position. She looks up at you with hazy purple eyes and pouts her plump black painted lips. "Aw Dave you need to get som slep" she says, leaning forward and patting you on the cheek with her sticky hand.  
You take her hand from your cheek and gently take the nearly empty bottle of cheap rosé from her.  
"Nooooeeeees" she whines, reaching forward to try to take back the bottle of wine. "Nah, no more wine, pretty sure you've had enough" you say, holding her back with one hand  
"You can never have enough wine its liek not posseeble" she says, reaching for the bottle again  
"Okay no, I'm cutting you off" you say, stepping back and heading to the kitchen  
She sits up and turns to look at you over the couch as you pour the wine down the sink  
"No no no no nooooeeees, Daaaave don do tha" she says, distraught   
You don't answer her, instead you walk back into the living room and collect the rest of the bottles. She jumps up from the couch to follow you but stumbles and bumps into the coffee table, knocking a bowl of old mac and cheese onto the floor  
She stumbles after you as you pour out the last of the wine and tries to reach from behind you to take the bottle from you  
"No Dave ples don do this, I neeed it" she whines  
"The last thing you need is more wine" you say, leaning over to drop  the wine bottles into the trash can   
"No no no Daaaave" she says, running over to try to take the bottles from the trash can  
"No, Rose, okay? No" you say, taking her by the shoulders and stepping in front of her to block her way  
"Dave please, I need it, I need it!" she says  
Tears start to fill her hazy purple eyes and her bottom lip shakes   
"Dave, ples, please" she begs, taking your upper arms and pouting up at you  
"Shit Rose" you say, running a hand through your hair  
"Daaaave" she whines, "Dave please"  
She leans forward and wraps her arms around you, pressing her face against your chest, "pleeeeaaaase"  
Her breath hitches and she starts to sob against you, tightening her hold on you painfully, "Daaaave"  
She shakes violently as she presses her puffy face into your sweatshirt   
You look down at her and bite your lip, looking to the side and then back at her. Slowly, you hug her back and rub her circles on her back the way Roxy used to do for you when you were younger. "Come on Rose, lets go sit down" you say, gently detaching her from you and leading her back over to the couch  
You help her lay down on the couch and lean against the mess of fancy pillows she used to have in the room you shared when you were younger. "I'll be right back" you say, walking into her and Kanaya's bedroom and grabbing a soft purple blanket off the nicely made bed  
When you walk back into the living room Rose is laying against the pillows with her puffy cheek pressed against the back of the futon. She is holding her favorite purple pillow against your chest and looking down with tired eyes.  
You stop and stand there looking at her, pale hair a mess, lipstick smeared, mascara making dark rings under her eyes. You feel sick seeing your sister like this. Rose was always the strong one, seeing at her like this, it hurts.  
You walk over to the couch and gently lay the blanket over her. She takes the blanket and pulls it up to her chin. She looks up at you with teary purple eyes, "I'm sorry Dave"  
"It's okay Rose" you say  
She curls up under the blanket and looks over at the tv which is playing Gossip Girl on mute   
You walk into the kitchen and fill the teapot with water. You start the burner and place it on top and look through the cabinets to find the tea.  When you find it you dig through the ridiculous amount of tea until you find the box of lavender earl grey, Rose's favorite.  
Once the water is done heating you grab two mugs out of the cabinet and fill them with hot water, dropping two tea bags into them  
You walk back over to the futon, carful not to spill the tea. You set your tea on the coffee and lean over to offer Rose the mug, "this will probably help" you say  
She looks at the tea and then up at you and slowly takes the mug into her hands. She holds it close to her face and breaths in the steam deeply. She looks up at you and smiles tiredly, "lavender earl grey"  
You give her a tight smile and nod, "yeah, you're almost out by the way"  
She laughs a little and looks down into the tea, "thank you, Dave"  
"Sure thing, Rose." You grab a pillow from the floor and lower yourself to sit on the soft carpet. You take your mug of tea off the coffee table and settle back against the couch, holding the mug close.  
"What season is this?" you ask, looking up at the tv and then up at Rose  
"I think four but I'm not really sure I wasn't really...paying attention" she says  
You nod and lean forward to grab the remote from under the coffee table. You unmute the tv and set the remote beside you, sitting back against the couch and taking a sip of tea.  
You spend the rest of the night bing watching Gossip Girl and drinking your tea. At some point Rose falls asleep and you hang around until Kanaya gets home.  
When she walks in her green eyes land on you in confusion and then on Rose in worry, "Dave, what..?"  
You sigh and push yourself to you feet, "I got her to sleep but...she's probably going to need some help when she wakes up"  
Kanaya looks at her girlfriend with tight lips and then back up at you, "thank you for taking care of her Dave"  
You shrug, "course"  
You head for the door and turn to her with your hand on the nob, "night Kanaya"  
"Goodnight Dave" she says, already by Rose's side, stroking her hair and looking at her with sadness in her green eyes   
You walk out of the apartment and out into the cold again, heading home 


	8. silence and noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's a very strange silence that I'm living in right now. It's a silence that has a lot of activity and noise in it from a zone that I don't live in on this earth"  
> -William Gary Busey
> 
> Dave and Karkat are gay and Gamzee fucks up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this before I go get some breakfast. Also, it's davekat time (well it's always davekat time but it's especially davekat time)

**Dave**

  
"Dave"  
"Dave!"  
"Hey douche bag wake the fuck up"  
"Dammit Strider"  
You open your eyes to a small blurry figure standing in front of you. You blink a few times until your vision focuses on the perpetually pissed off face of Karkat Vantas  
"Sup?" You ask, rubbing your eyes but making no effort to sit up  
"What's up is that it's 1 pm and I want to eat"  
"So? Why'd you have to wake me up to do that, and why are you here anyways, where's John?"  
"Because you would bitch and whine if I got food without you that's why and John is out with Vriska doing god knows what, anymore idiotic questions?"  
"Yeah but again, why are you here?"  
Karkat groans, "because I stayed over last night to watch the new episode of Archer now get your ass up and come on I'm hungry"  
You squint, blinking a few times and make an 'attempt' to sit up but just end up falling back onto your pillow   
You look up at him and pout your lip, "help me up?"  
His thick dark eyebrows lower even further which most people would think was impossible (most people haven't met Karkat Vantas) and he glares at you. "Strider, I swear to god if you don't get your ass up right now I will piss in your fucking mouth"  
You open one eye and grin up at him, "because I never stop talking so my mouth is always open?"  
He narrows his red eyes at you, "if you don't get your ass up right this fucking minute I will piss in your mouth and in the apple juice"  
This wakes you up  
"No, dude, not the apple juice"  
"Yes Dave, the apple juice" he says, turning to walk out of the room, presumably to go get the apple juice out of the refrigerator and piss in it, but you lunge forward and wrap your arms around his waste   
"Strider! Get the fuck off!" he yells, struggling to turn and look back at you   
"Nope, not happening, I'm not letting go until you swear off pissing in my apple juice. I will lay here, cheek resting gently on your ass-"  
"God DAMMIT Strider", he yells, trying to pull away which yanks you off the bed and sends you face first to the floor  
"Fuck man, that hurt" you say, rolling over onto your back to look up at Karkat who now stands glaring down at you, arms crossed over his chest   
"Good" he says   
"Help me up?" you ask, raising your arms and reaching for him  
"No"  
"Pleeeeaaaase?"  
"No Dave"  
"Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaase?"  
"Oh my god fine"  
He takes hold of your hands and pulls you to your feet  
Once you're standing you groan and let your arms hang by your sides, dropping your head on his shoulder and leaning all your weight against him  
"Uhg Dave, get off me" he groans, pushing at your chest and struggling to stay standing  
You laugh and straighten up, stepping backwards with a grin on your face, "thanks dude"  
He rolls his eyes and turns to walk into the kitchen, "just get dressed"  
You stretch and yawn, sniffing at your armpit to see if you need to take a shower. Meh, good enough. Once you've got your binder on you find a clean(ish) shirt and pull it over your mess of white hair. You leave your boxers, not feeling like changing them and pull on some pants. Finally you grab your shades from the stack of vinyls beside your mattress, your red sweatshirt and vans, shove your phone and keys in your pocket and walk out to meet Karkat in the kitchen.  
"Sup" you say, coming to a stop beside the shorter boy   
"I'm fucking hungry"  
"Let us bounce?" you say, giving him a grin and slipping on your shades   
He glares at you and rolls his eyes, unable to suppress a smile, "come on douche bag"  
   
"So where are we going anyway?" you ask, shoving your hands in your pockets as you take longer strides to catch up to Karkat's fast, tiny stomps  
He shrugs, "I don't know"  
"Well what are you hungry for?" you ask  
"not pizza"  
You feign a gasp, "how could you not want pizza, you're Italian"  
He rolls his eyes at you, " _part_ Italian, and because after seeing the slice of pizza sitting in the back of your fridge I would rather fuck myself with my shoe than shove that shit down my throat"  
"Oh you mean Jeff?"  
He looks up at you in confusion, "Jeff?"  
"Yeah, Jeff, it's the name of the slice of pizza in the back of the fridge" you say  
He takes a shaky breath like he's trying to calm himself down and closes his eyes, It's his 'I will not loose my shit' face that you taught him. He slowly lets the air out of his nose before opening his eyes and turning to you, "do you want to explain why a piece of pizza that really can't even be called pizza anymore, more like a nearly sentient piece of cardboard soaked in shit topped with puss, smegma and a yet to be discovered strain of genital herpes, is sitting in the back of your fridge and why the FUCK it's named Jeff!?"  
Well that was a nice thirty seconds  
"Okay, first of all dude, I thought we agreed to never say the s-word again, I am not fucking reliving game night at the beach, and second, it's just a piece of pizza me and John named Jeff"   
"Okay, first of all 'dude', I will say _smegma_ as much as I fucking want to and second, THAT DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION"  
You roll your eyes and pat him on the back, "some things are just better left to the unknown dude, the shit pizza is a bro bond between me and John, just like how me an you got shitty dick drawin"  
He glares at you, "you're right, whatever the purpose of that fucking diseased piece of pizza is, I don't want to know it"  
You grin, "well now I _have_ to tell you, so-"  
"God DAMMIT Dave!"  
   
You end up on the curb outside a McDonald's, stuffing your faces and talking about stupid bullshit as usual. You wanted to walk through the drive through but Karkat wouldn't do it so you actually had to go inside to get the food.  
"So then TZ was like 'do you dare me to eat this espresso pancake?' and John was like 'no you're an idiot' but then he ended up eating and choking on it and we had to watch his shitty movies all night just to get him to stop bitching"  
"What the fuck is an espresso pancake?" Karkat asks, taking a bite of his sort of soggy looking burger  
"It's like when you tamp the espresso into the filter and run it through the machine to draw a shot and what's left is this little round pancake lookin brown thing that's basically just-"  
"Okay never mind I've decided I don't actually care"  
"Whatever dude, your loss"  
You pop the lid off of your chocolate milkshake and hold it between your knees, digging into the grease stained bag for your fries. As you fish out a fry and dip it in the chocolate milkshake Karkat takes another bite of his burger.  
"So whats up with Terezi anyway, I haven't seen her in like, a week" you say  
Beside you Karkat stiffens, "nothing" he says, not meeting your eyes  
You don't say anything, sensing that he has something more to say. He takes another bite of his burger and a sip of his soda before speaking again, "I'm worried about her, Dave"  
You turn and look over at him, "yeah, me too"  
He runs a hand through his mess of black hair and takes a deep breath, "I think something really bad is going on with her"  
You nod and dip a fry in your milkshake, shoving it in your mouth, "I mean...I know he's your bro and all but I think...no actually I'm pretty fuckin sure it has something to do with Gamzee, dude"  
He sighs and takes another bite of his burger, "I know"  
"Wait, really?" you ask, raising your eyebrows over your shades   
He nods, taking a sip of his soda, "after the New Years party I woke up and heard them having a fight" he turns to you and chews at his lip, "they were yelling at each other and Gamzee was saying all this really shitty stuff to her And pushing her around. Then they started uh, making out I think, but it sounded like Terezi was still upset"  
Your stomach twists, "shit dude"  
He nods, "I know, that's why I texted you, I couldn't listen to it anymore"  
You bite the inside of your cheek and look at your feet, idly shoving a few fries in your mouth. "I think he's really hurting her"  
"Yeah, me too" he says   
"I confronted him about it a while ago" you say  
"wait...really?" he asks, looking up at you from where he was about to take another bite of his burger   
You nod, "we were at that show in the church basement, you know the one where Rose threw up on the bathroom floor, and I went outside to get some air. He was smoking outside and I was smoking with him for a while and we started talking about Terezi. I told him to leave her alone and he tried to fight me"  
Karkat's eyes widen, "seriously?"  
You nod and grin, "I totally won, just dodged every hit, never say Bro didn't do anything for me"  
"That's actually...pretty impressive" he says, "I've seen Gamzee street fight back in high school and he's...really good, like terrifyingly"  
You nod, "yeah, he did this" you say, pointing to the bruise that has almost completely faded on your right cheek"  
He takes a shaky breath and runs another hand through his hair, "I wondered what that was, I just figured you ran into a lamp post again." "Hey that was one time and only because I was drunk" you say but he just keeps looking at the ground, "I've seen what he can do Dave. When he would disappear me and Terezi would always go looking for him. I saw him beat a dude unconscious before me and Terezi got him to stop, I'm afraid that if he looses it on Terezi he might really hurt her, fuck he could have really hurt you" he says. "Nah dude, I can hold my own, you're right about Terezi though, thats the same thing I'm thinkin." He shakes his head, "Gamzee has always had a drug problem" he says, almost to himself, before taking another bite of his burger   
You laugh, "no really?"   
He glares at you and you immediately avert your eyes, yeah that wasn't appropriate, what the fuck Strider?   
"I think he's started doing harder shit and...I'm worried about him"  
You nod, "yeah the shit he was smoking outside venue definitely wasn't weed"  
"I think he really has a problem"  
You raise a pale eyebrow at him over your shades as if to say 'no fuck'  
"Shut up Dave I mean a real problem" he snaps  
"I mean I think being high literally every fucking day since like tenth grade would be considered by most to be a 'real problem' but whatever dude" you say  
"I mean a problem for Gamzee, you know him, weed is just like...part of him" Karkat says   
You nod, "yeah, I don't think I've ever seen him sober"  
"Honestly that's probably for the best" Karkat says   
You turn to him in confusion, "wait, why?"  
Karkat sighs, "I didn't meet Gamzee until we were almost in middle school but from what Terezi has said he's always been in a lot of...medication"  
"So drugs" you say   
"Yes Dave, drugs, now shut up and let me finish" he takes a breath and rubs at his eyes, "apparently he has some kind of...imbalance, he's unstable like, mentally. Terezi said that when they were kids if he didn't have his medicine he would just go off. He screamed he hit he threw things he broke things, everything you can think of, but the drugs always calmed him down. I guess he got them from his dad, since he's basically a drug lord, and the asshole never wanted to deal with him whenever he _was_ home so he fucking drugged him up. Gamzee's basically been on drugs his whole life, it was only bound to get worse. It was never really a problem until sophomore year in high school. After he found out his dad died he just started smoking and drinking more. Instead of calming him down it just made him totally out of hand and it's only gotten worse I just" he takes another shaky breath, "I don't know what to do, Dave, he's my best friend" he chokes on the last words and bites his lip, staring at the ground. His eyes start to fill with tears and without thinking you pull him into a hug. You don't say anything, you just sit there in the parking lot of that McDonald's, two fucked up boys holding each other.   
When he's done crying he pulls back and looks to the side, his face going red. "That was so gay dude"  
You grin, "hell yeah it was" you push yourself to your feet and look down at him, offering him a hand, "come on, we got a party to go to"  
He looks between you and your outstretched hand and finally takes it. His small, slightly chubby hand is warm in yours and as you start to walk back to the apartment you don't let go 

  
**Gamzee**   
  
It always feels the same  
You hold them in your grimy palm, the chemicals that take your mind away and make everything easier  
Three pills, a shriveled white mushroom and a small square of colored paper  
The noise around you is just a hum as you uncap the bottle of flat faygo beside you and tip the pills into your mouth  
You wash them down with warm cherry faygo and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand  
Next you eat the mushroom and it's chewy and tough in your mouth. Once you've forced that down your throat you take the small square of colored paper in your fingers and open your mouth, placing it on your tongue  
You close your mouth and your eyes and sit in silence as you feel the paper dissolve in your mouth  
When it's gone you open your eyes and pull a cigarette from behind your ear  
You bring it to your lips and light it and take a deep breath of the smoke  
You tip back your head and open your mouth and the smoke comes dancing out and dissipates in the air  
You sit in silence and smoke while you wait for the drugs to take effect  
As you sit alone in the dark hallway you listen to the sounds of your friends laughing and talking  
Somewhere down the hallway you hear Terezi laugh and Karkat yells something that just makes her laugh more  
You close your eyes and just let your head fall back against the wall  
These drugs are taking too long, you want to be gone now  
You don't notice the person walking down the hallway until they come to stand in front of you "hey Gamz" they say and you open your eyes to the grinning face of Terezi Pyrope  
You smile detachedly and you are finally starting to feel the drugs take effect  
"Heeey"  
"You're fucked out of your mind, aren't you" she says  
You grin wider, "you know it baby girl"  
She laughs and rolls her eyes then holds her small hand out to you  
She must know that you're not doing anything hard and you know that she's trying to keep her mouth shut about the drugs. She's been strangely quiet about it, ever since that last fight you had. You guess that waking up to Karkat being gone did something, It did something to you too.  
You're good with that, it's not like you like fighting with her. It's not like you like hurting her...not really anyways. It feels good sometimes, when your high off your ass and you're angry, so fucking angry, it feels good to get it out. Still, it's been shitty to see what it's doing to her  
No, you tell yourself, it's not you, it's her. Her and that stupid fucking thing going wrong with her brain that makes her sleep all the time and take everything out on the skin of her arms  
It's her  
"Come on dummy, get your high ass up and come have some fun" she says, breaking you from your thoughts   
You take hold of her arm and she takes hold of yours and yanks you up with what most would see as surprising ease but you know how strong she is  
You stumble passed her with the force of it and smack your head on the wall  
"Aw motherfuck" you say, pressing your hand to your forehead  
She laughs, "you are way too fucking high"  
You look at her very seriously, "baby girl there ain't no thing such as bein too high"  
She rolls her eyes, "come on dumbass" she says and drags you after her into the living room  
Everyone is sitting or laying all around the center of the living room talking and laughing and passing drinks   
Terezi pulls you over to the space she must have been sitting in between Dave and Vriska and you plop down next to Karkat. You grab a beer from behind you and settle between them.  
"So, what we up and gettin our do on to?" You ask and you can feel the drugs start to really take effect because the whole room is starting blur and everything is bright  
"Just how high exactly are you right now?" Vriska asks, peering at you with her one blue eye over her wire rimmed glasses.  
"High as a motherfucker can be, sis" you reply, grinning at her   
"That's a fuckin surprise" Eridan says from beside Vriska.

She rolls her eye, "Eridan, shut up."

"You shut up, Vris"

"Make me" 

their argument quickly devolves into bad insults and jabs and you check out.   
"Well can you manage to be sober enough not to pass out on the side walk again?" Karkat asks  
Terezi laughs, "that was kinda fun"  
"We spent the night behind a gas station because his drunk ass was too fucked to go home" Karkat says  
"Yeah, fun"  
"Well you had fun because you drew all over his fuckin face"  
She grins, "yes, and it was great"  
"Was motherfuckin miraculous sis" you say which just makes her grin wider  
The door opens down the hallway and you see someone enter  
Terezi lights up and jumps to her feet  
"Fuck yeah John's back"  
She climbs and pushes her way through all the people to where John stands barely able to look over the boxes of pizza in his arms  
When he sees her he grins, "how much do you love me?" He asks  
"This much" she says and before he can move she's taking the pizzas into her own arms and running back into the living room  
"Aw come on" he says   
"Suck it" she calls as she pushes her way back through the crowd of people on the floor and plops down with the pizza boxes  
"Oh hell yeah, pizza" Dave says, leaning forward to grab one of the boxes. "Did you get the pineapple?" he asks, looking up at John who is walking over to take a seat beside Vriska.  
"Yeah and you're disgusting"  
"No way dude, pineapple pizza is the shit" Dave says, opening the box and pulling a slice from the pizza  
"Disgusting" John says, grinning at him as Dave takes a messy bite of the pizza  
You pass the pizza boxes around the room and soon the smell of the nasty piss beer Sollux got is joined by the smell of pizza  
  
As everyone digs into the pizza, talking and laughing you look around the room. Everything is moving in slow motion, the room is warm with bodies but your whole body is cold as you sit and watch everyone move around you  
You're cold but you feel fevered and you can't think straight  
Everything is out of focus  
You hear Terezi laughing and you look around for her but you can't seem to find her. People are walking around, moving and blurring in the room.   
Vaugely you're aware that mostly everyone has gotten up off the floor and has gone back to milling around the room. Distantly you hear the familiar sound of a video game starting up. People are talking and moving and it's starting to throw you off. You take another sip of beer  
In front of you, across the room, someone is approaching  
Their form shifts, crystallizing dark blue and turning into formless lines and then to viscous movement  
You know you know this person, you feel that in you, but you can't place them  
The person comes to a stop in front of you and leans down  
They're speaking but the voice just sounds muted  
Their face starts to focus a little and you're starting to recognize them but you still can't place them  
Around you everything shifts colors and you feel yourself plunge into a darkness of chemicals and suddenly everything is terrifying  
You probably shouldn't have taken acid and mushrooms at the same time, also those pills which honestly you don't even have a name for. You got them from some dude you sold to last week, all he said was "it feels good" and you said "I'll give it a try"  
The shape in front of you keeps speaking but the words are morphed and you can't figure out what it's saying  
You think you hear "Makara"  
That's your name right?  
Then they reach out and grab your arm and suddenly your whole body is on fire. You don't know who's touching you and there's that anger there, the one you know lies dormant within you, and you react instantly  
You attack the shape which has now formed again to resemble something of a human  
You feel your body meet theirs and together you hit the floor hard   
Things are shifting in and out of focus and you can feel that your hands have wrapped around their neck  
You can feel your fingers digging into warm skin and you can hear your heart beating in your ears as you stare at the shifting form beneath you  
Suddenly the muted voices around you and the slow moving shapes snap painfully into focus and you can hear it all  
Someone is screaming  
Your vision shifts and you look down to see that your hands are tight on the light skin of someone's neck leaving bruises there  
You see there face and it takes a moment but you meet their eyes, dark blue and unfocused with a struggle for their life and it hits you  
Just as something else does  
It's Equius, you're strangling Equius   
You are so focused on him that you don't even notice her  
The voice that was screaming is suddenly much too loud and right in front of you and then there's something shattered and a glint of blue and a terribly sharp pain in your face that causes you to fall back and release your friend  
You see Nepeta run forward and drop to her knees on the dirty carpet as your vision blurs with blood  
"Equius, are you alright?" She cries, grabbing him and helping him sit up  
He lets her slowly steady him against her and rubs at his bruised throat, "yes, I am okay" he rasps  
Nepeta looks like she's about to cry but when she turns her head your way there's a terrifying anger on her face  
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you almost killed him!" she screams   
She blurs and shakes and she's still screaming and she's so close and so angry and you are too and you just want it to stop  
You shove her hard to the ground and her head cracks back against the floor with a sickening thunder  
You're yelling but you don't think your can tell what you're saying  
You start punching her and don't stop  
She puts up a fight though and then hands are around your arms pulling you back and she is pushing herself up wiping blood from her face with the back of her hand  
You can feel the blood on your own face and everything is so hot and all you can hear is distant yelling and your heart beat in your ears  
You see her return to Equius' side panting and bloody but she hugs him tight  
Everyone is looking at them in horror and you see one look your way  
Kanaya  
There's something in her usually kind green eyes that you can't place but it sends glass through your stomach  
Then you're being pulled down the hallway and you're on the floor of a dark room. By the blurry glow of a fish tank in the corner you think it must be Aradia and Feferi's.  
You curse and look up at two people looking down at you  
You hear Karkat first, he's screaming at you and Terezi is closing the door and locking it behind her  
"What the fuck was that!?" Karkat screams  
"What?" You ask, still out of it. You've barely even registered whats going on.   
"What? WHAT? You almost strangled Equius, you fucking bashed Nepeta's head into the floor, what the fuck WAS that!?"  
"Karkat" Terezi says, grabbing his arm  
"What!?" He yells, turning to her  
"Calm down"  
"How can I calm down, how the fuck can I calm down when this idiot just flipped his shit on two of our friends for no fucking reason!?" He yells  
"He's high, he doesn't even know what you're saying, you saw what he did, screaming at him is only gonna set him off"  
You know why she knows that  
Last time she screamed at you you went off at her like you did with Nepeta   
"Terezi-"  
"No, just shut up and help me get him home okay"  
"Fine, come one just help me get him up"  
They both come over to you. Karkat grabs your arms and Terezi wraps her arms around your chest and lifts  
You try to get your legs to cooperate but they just won't  
"Uhg why is he so heavy" Terezi groans  
"Fuck if I know"  
They lead you out into the hallway and you see everyone gathered around where Nepeta and Equius are. You see Kanaya kneeled beside them, looking at Nepeta's face and dabbing at the blood with her skirt.  
You're suddenly aware of the burning pain in your face and the blood dripping down your cheeks and you focus through the blur on the girl you know caused it.  
Without thinking, because really you never think anymore, you lunge at her but Kanaya is there first and before you've even processed it her fist has made contact with your face. You feel your nose snap and hear yourself scream. Kanaya is screaming too but you can't make out what she's saying. All you know is that everything is too loud and it's pissing you off. You swing and your fist connects with her face. Someone, you think Feferi, screams. You try to lunge for her again but then there are hands on you and you're being dragged back.   
Nepeta is screaming, Kanaya is screaming. From across the room you hear Feferi's worried cry as she runs over to drop next to Kanaya. Everything is just too fucking loud.  
It's too fucking loud


	9. shed an ounce of light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You might run, oh but I won’t hide  
> Shed an ounce of light  
> On my half-hopeless life  
> Don’t let me go back  
> And though I’d like to say more  
> I guess, I’ll just duck and cover  
> Almost praying that you trip over  
> The cluster of words I laid out before having to leave"  
> -Modern Baseball- [Hours Outside In The Snow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNnwdpl9W1M)  
>   
> Karkat has had enough, Terezi doesn't know what to do and Gamzee is just trying to figure out what the fuck happened  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, I had work and was moving.  
> I'm staying with a friend for the next month before I can move in and I've been watching too much Skins (the British version obvs) which made me realize that this fic is basically just Homestuck Skins, or Homestuck Degrassi, basically it's the Homestuck version of any teenage drama that has way too many seasons

** Terezi **

  
You stumble through the door of the apartment building and out into the road. It's started to snow and theres a thin layer of white sticking to the ground beneath your feet.   
"Wait stop" a voice demands from behind you   
"What?" you ask, stopping to glance back at where Karkat looks up at you from under Gamzee's arm, his face a mix of fear and anger  
"Where are we going?" he asks  
"We need to get him to a hospital" you say, shifting Gamzee's weight on your small shoulders   
"And just what in the ever loving fuck are we supposed to tell the hospital? 'Oh he got high off his ass, almost killed two people and got hit in the face with a bottle, please help him?" He asks, his voice rising   
"We don't have to tell them anything we just need to get him treated and get him back to the apartment" you say  
Karkat opens his mouth like he wants to say something but closes it as he looks down at your feet. Your eyes follow his gaze to see blood slowly dropping onto the white snow, melting its way through the crystals and staining the asphalt dark red  
You look back up and meet his eyes, the same color as the bloody asphalt, "let's go"  
  
Its lucky that the hospital is only a few blocks away because Gamzee's dead weight is almost impossible to handle even with the two of you trying   
You struggle through the snow in silence, breathing heavily as you carry him towards the lights of the hospital showing through the blur of the quickly falling snow.  
When you finally reach the parking lot you hurry through the automatic glass doors and into the waiting room, nearly dropping Gamzee right inside the doors when Karkat looses his footing on the snow slippery linolium but you manage to keep hold of him  
The waiting room is mostly empty with the excepting of a young mother holding a crying, snot caked kid and an old man that smells of smoke who sounds like he's trying to hack up a lung into an old rag he holds in his hand.  
The receptionist stands when she sees you and immediately calls for a nurse   
"What happened?" She asks as you approach the front desk with Gamzee held between you   
"Bar fight" Karkat says without pause and you glance at him from the side, holding back a smile, good  one  
The woman nods in understanding, "we'll get him a doctor as soon as we can" just as a nurse comes rushing to your side  
"Here we've got him " she says, quickly taking your place at Gamzee's side as Karkats is taken by another nurse, this one male  
"Wait where are you taking him?" Karkat asks, his voice desperate   
"Emergency room, he's going to need this treated right away, you can fill out his information at the desk" the female nurse calls and turns back as she and the male nurse help Gamzee through the doors  
You watch the heavy double  doors swing shut behind them, unable to move, until a tapping breaks you from your focus and you jump, looking back towards the counter  
The receptionist is looking up at you and holding out a pen, "miss you need to fill these out" she says, setting the pen on top of a packet of papers and sliding it across the front desk  
You nod numbly and take them from her, following Karkat to a seat by the windows which are quickly caking with snow.  
  
Once you fill out the paper work and turn it in you and Karkat spend hours in the silence of the waiting room watching the people around you. Gamzee is released around midnight and you get Mrs. Maryam to take you back to the apartment in her car. Her and Karkat talk quickly to each other in Italian in the front seats while you sit in the back with Gamzee, holding him close to you. The doctors said he will be unconscious for at least a few more hours and that it's best just to get him some rest now that his injuries have been treated.  
When you reach the apartment Mrs. Maryam drops you off out front and you thank her as you both struggle to get Gamzee into the building.  
  
Once you've gotten him up the stairs and down the hallway to your door you fumble inside the apartment and deposit Gamzee in his bed. Karkat crosses to his side of the room as you pull the blankets up over Gamzee's sleeping form, looking at his bandaged face for a moment before straightening up again. Karkat slips out and you follow, turning up the heat on your way out and pulling the door mostly closed behind you.  
  
Karkat is standing in the living room looking at one of the pictures sitting on the kitchen counter when you walk out.  It's a picture of the three of you back in middle school in a shitty frame, pained bright red and covered in colorful feathers and sequens you found around the classroom badly glued to the cheap wood but in the picture you're all smiling. It was back when you had braces. You remember you used to change the colors every month to something ridiculously bright. At the time of the photo you had bright blue and red, which had been a suggestion from Dave  
Karkat looks up from the picture as you walk into the room and the look on his face makes you stop.  He looks angry but mostly sad, like he's about to  start crying  
Then you see the bag on the floor by his feet.  
"What are you...?"  
"I'm leaving Terezi"  
"What?" You ask  
He takes a breath and looks up at you, his eyes hard, "I'm leaving and I think you should come with me"

 

** Gamzee  **

  
You wake up to the sound of hushed voices and a pounding in your skull. You try to open your eyes but a sharp pain stops you and you curse under your breath, which also hurts. You try again and groan in pain, fuck that. Everything is a blur of pain and noise, ringing in your ears pounding in your head and those voices, they just won't shut the fuck up. They're distant and distorted but you try to focus on them.  
"Well what the fuck do you want me to do, Terezi?" That must be Karkat, just judging by the language and volume  
"Stay, he needs our help " thats Terezi  
"Of course he needs fucking help but I can't do this anymore, I'm not going to, it's not safe" Karkat says  
"He's hurt, Karkat" she says, almost pleading  
"He's hurting you!" he yells, his voice cracking  
There's a heavy pause but Terezi doesn't say anything and you try one more time to force your eyes open. You see them, two blurs through the crack of lights from the partially open door, theyr'e standing in the living room, right by the door, and talking quicly  
"I know what he's doing to you Terezi, I...I saw what happened, on New Years"  
She doesn't answer for a second, just looks at him, "is that why you've barely been around?"  
He nods, "Terezi...please don't let him do this to you"  
"I'm not letting him do anything, I don't know what you want me to say Karkat"  
"I don't want you to say anything, I just want you to listen to me for once!"  
You sit up, trying to ignore the way it makes your head pound and lean forward in bed. You try to open your eyes again and wince. Okay fuck this you have to see whats going on. You take a deep breath and open your eyes, biting down hard on your lower lip at the pain. You blink a few times and see the blur of Terezi and Karkat standing in the living room but you can't make your eyes focus no matter how hard you try.  
"I am" she says, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at her feet  
"No you sure as shit are not fucking listening to me, you're doing the complete fucking opposite!" he yells  
"Stop yelling, you'll wake him up" she hisses  
"I don't give a fuck if I wake him up, he needs to wake up so we can take him to a fucking rehab center"  
"I'm not just leaving him at a rehab center, Karkat"  
"Terezi you said it yourself he needs help!"  
"I'm not leaving him!" She cries, her voice cracking  
He doesn't say anything at first, just watches her with pain on his face. He shakes his head as he looks at her, tears filling up his eyes, "why?"  
"Because I love him" she says, looking at the ground  
"So do I, Terezi, but you can't keep doing this, he's hurting you" he says desperately  
She doesn't say anything, just looks down  
He chews on his lip, tears starting to run down his chubby cheeks, and shakes his head, rubbing the tears away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He straightens up and meets her eyes, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders, "I know I can't make you do anything, you're obviously not going to listen to me, but I'm not staying here and watching him do this to himself and to you, if you won't come with me...at least think about what I said"  
He turns to go but stops with his hand over the doorknob, looking back at her, "and be careful, Terezi, please"  
She doesn't answer, just looks down at her feet as he turns the doorknob and walks out of the apartment, closing the door behind him.  
The last thing you see before you pass out again is Terezi standing there in the living room, all alone.

  
   
**Karkat**

  
The snow has turned to rain outside as you run out of your apartment building and out onto the sidewalk. Around you the streets are nearly empty and you start walking, just wanting to get away from that apartment where your best friend is hurt and the girl you love is in pain because of it.  
Your backpack is heavy but comforting against your shoulders as you walk, hunching over against the icy rain with your hands shoved in the pockets of your sweatshirt.  
As you walk you feel yourself shaking and there's a tight pain in your chest that's making it difficult to breath but only when your vision starts to blur do you realize that the wetness on your cheeks isn't just rain. Your embarrassingly small feet are just blurs in your tiny gray vans and part of you is afraid you will slip as you kick through the dirty sludge that was once snow but you just keep walking until a voice stops you.  
"Karkat?"  
You stop and look in the direction of the voice to see the blurry outline of a person most of which is a mess of black hair. The tears filling your eyes drip down your cheeks and you blink until their face comes into focus.  
Aradia looks back at you, her red painted lips spread wide in a smile and her dark almond eyes crinkled up at the corners with the force of it.  
"Aradia" you say, your voice hoarse. Behind her you see the sign for The Horrorterror, the book store she works at, through the rain.  
"Hey Ar what's goin on?" someone calls  
You look over her shoulder to see Eridan poking his head out from the door set deep in the stone wall, thick black rimmed glasses foggy from the rain. A strand of dyed purple hair has come loose from the rest of his gelled up mess and hangs down over his purple eyes. When he sees you he straightens up, stepping all the way out into the alley  
"Kar? What are you doin here? Why are you cryin?" he asks, both curiosity and concern in his stupidly accented voice  
You open your mouth to snap back at him that he should mind his own fucking buisness but someone cuts you off from inside the store  
"Eridan!" Feferi sticks her head out from behind where Eridan stands in the door, massive mess of puffy dark hair bouncing over her shoulders  
Eridan groans, "Fef I'm just seein who's here would you give me a fuckin break?"  
"No, we're in the middle of studying, the exam is next week and you need this grade" she says, pushing passed him and coming over to stand in front of you. "Oh Karkrab are you okay, whats wrong?" She asks, putting her dark skinned hand on your shoulder and leaning down to be level with you, big pink eyes wide with worry.  
You hunch your shoulders and look down, wiping at your eyes with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. "I'm fine." You try to shrug her hand off your shoulder but her grip is strong.  
"You are not fine mister, you're crying" she says sternly  
"I mean in his defense, FF, that could be for pretty much any reason" Sollux says, ducking through the door behind Eridan who shoots him a glare but moves over so he can fit through the door.  
"Fuck off" you snap, shooting him a dirty look. He just shoves his hands in the pockets of his ill fitting jeans and shrugs.  
"Oh he doesn't get a reprimandin but I do?" Eridan demands, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at Feferi.  
"Sollux isn't failing biology" she says. Sollux grins at him and Eridan flips him off. "But Sollux" Feferi turns to him, "stop being rude"  
Eridan grins and looks at Sollux who flips him off with one long bony middle finger.  
From beside you Aradia laughs lightly like a melody, "maybe we should go inside" she says, carefully taking you by the shoulders and leading you towards the door, "It looks like you could use some tea"  
   
"It's a new blend of pomegranate black tea I made last week"  
You look down at the tea in your hands and wrinkle your nose, watching the pieces of debris float around in the red liquid, "uh, yeah, this is great Aradia but...why didn't you drain it?"  
She laughs lightly from her place on the front counter, kicking her feet in their pair of old boots against the worn wood front where posters advertising shows for local bands and some dude literally called 'Die' who claims he can create a working voodoo doll of anyone for the right price hang, "oh don't worry Karkat, eating tea is actually very good for you, the ingredients of the tea itself contains more powerful spiritual properties than the tea brewed from it for example this tea in particular is supposed to help in contacting the other side. That and I think it's a waste not to eat such good tea" she says, smiling widely  
You look at her grinning face and glance back down at the tea where what looks like a piece of pomegranate skin has flipped over in the red liquid, "yeah that...doesn't make it better"  
She shrugs and smiles, taking a loud sip of her own tea, "suit yourself."  
"So are you gonna tell us what's up or what?" Eridan asks from the floor where he sits with Feferi surrounded by a mess of papers and textbooks. Feferi's plump lips turn down and she elbows him hard in the side.  
"What the fuck Fef!? That hurt!" he yelps, glaring at her and rubbing his side  
"Oh quit being such a guppy" she says, smiling and taking a sip of tea  
"Well maybe I'll tell you if you tell me why the fuck you're all doing here in casa de Adams Family and what all this shit is" you say, gesturing to the room around you and the mess on the floor. On one of the shelves what looks like a sheep skull that is being used as a book stopper seems to look at you and you shudder.  
"Me and Eridan have work at 12 so we were just studying here until then because someone" Feferi gives Eridan a pointed look and he hunches his shoulders and pouts his lip, "decided to pick an argument with our professor and now needs extra credit to pass and Sollux is here because I told him he's not allowed to spend another day locked up in his room working"  
"So you sent him to this hole?" You ask, looking around the dimly lit book shop and not even bothering to question Eridan's situation, you know how he can be, a pain in the ass.  
"Aradia can keep an eye on him here and make sure he doesn't have any coffee and its a nice place to get work done"  
"Why no coffee?" You ask  
"Because ever since that one time he didn't sleep for two days so he could stay up to reprogram Façade on Eridan's computer I've banned him from having more than two cups a day and he's already had his two" Feferi says  
"Dude" you look from Feferi to Sollux, "I am legitimately sorry"  
"Thanks KK" he mumbles, giving you a crooked smile  
"Okay yeah whatever we all feel bad for Sol now come on an tell us whats goin on" Eridan says  
"Eridan!" Feferi says, "stop trying to get out of this, just study!"  
"But Fef I don't even like this class" he whines  
"I don't care!"  
"Can everyone just shut the fuck up" Sollux says, looking up at the low ceiling above you as Feferi and Eridan argue on the floor beside him.  
"Fucking thank you Sollux!" You say, gesturing to him, "someone in this fucking room has some sense, never would have guessed it would be this asshole"  
"Fuck off KK" he grumbles, slumping forward again  
"You fuck off" you snap back  
"Sollux is right" Feferi says, sitting up and taking a sip of her tea, "we'll be quiet"  
"And the 'not as much of a dumbass as you could have been award' goes to miss Feferi Peixes hooh fuckin rah let the ceremony fucking commence. It will be a grand-"  
"Quick ED, start talking about your new Harry Potter theory about how Snape is really the hero, it will put him to sleep" Sollux says, cutting you off  
"Fuck you Sol" Eridan snaps  
"You wish"  
"Hey!"  
Everyone goes still and looks at Aradia, who still sits with that same almost unsettlingly happy smile on her face  
"Thank you Aradia" you say a little quieter, "I was just upset-"  
"Crying" Sollux interjects  
You glare at him, "upset, because everyone fucking sucks so I'm leaving thats it"  
"Why?" Feferi asks  
"Why the fuck do you think, princess, because my best friend is a psychotic fucking idiot"  
Feferi bites her plump lower lip a looks down into her tea, "oh"  
"Yeah fucking oh" you say, running a hand through your thick messy hair and taking a sip of your tea, it's not actually bad, the pieces of fruit and leaves are weirdly good but you're not going to admit that.  
"Yeah GZ kinda lost it last night" Sollux says, "wait, where's Terezi?" he asks, suddenly concerned  
Your stomach turns, "I tried to get her to come with me but...she wouldn't leave"  
Aradia nods in understanding, "she has always been very close to him, even when we were kids"  
"This isn't 'close' this is crazy!" you yell, suddenly upset, "he's my best friend and you don't see me there, he needs to go to a hospital but she refuses to even listen to me"  
"Do you think it's dangerous for her to be there?" Feferi asks  
"Of course it's fuckin dangerous Fef, you saw what he did to Eq and Nep" Eridan says  
"I gotta agree with ED on this one, it's pretty fuckin obvious that GZ is dangerous" Sollux says  
"Yeah well what are we going to do about it?" Feferi asks  
"Nothing"  
You all look towards Aradia who keeps her dark red eyes on her tea, "once Terezi has made up her mind she's not going to change it for anyone, that's just how she is. All we can do now is wait"  
"Wait for what? For her to get fucking killed!?" You demand  
Aradia flicks her dark eyes up to meet yours, she jumps down from the counter landing lightly on the floor in her heavy old boots, "sometimes all you can do is watch as someone you love breaks apart" and then she's turning in a flurry of skirts and walking out the door, skirts moving to the chime of the bell on the door before it closes heavily.  
You're all silent for a second before Eridan finally says, "I hate when she does that"  
"Sollux go talk to her" Feferi prods  
Sollux shakes his head, "FF, I've known AA my whole life, she's said all she wants to say. All she's going to do now is fucking get all annoying and cryptic if you ask her any more"  
Feferi opens her mouth to reply but is cut off by a jarring sound from the other side of the shop. You all turn to look at the clock which is currently sending a handmaiden and her sheep in circles around a track and playing a familiar song  
"Is that...that Indiana Jones theme?" You ask, raising your eyebrows at the little clock.  
Sollux grins, "yup, I rigged it up to play for her every hour"  
"Eridan come on we have to go" Feferi says, jumping up from the grounf and grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up after her.  
He groans, "I don't wanna, Angels been pissin me off, can't you just-"  
"Angel isn't doing anything, you're just trying to start something as usual and I am not covering your ass again! Just because I'm a manager doesn't mean you can take advantage of that now come on" Feferi says, dragging him towards the door  
"But Angels been bein a real dick about his stupid new protein smoothie recipe, like we didn't fuckin know kale had protein it, it doesn't even have that much, spinach is actually-"  
"Eridan you don't even LIKE Kale"  
Their conversation is cut off when the door closes behind them, ringing the bells  
You and Sollux sit in silence for a minute before you set your tea on the counter and hop down from your stool beside the counter, walking towards the door  
"where are you going?" Sollux asks from behind you  
"I'm talking to her" you say, pushing through the door and out into the cold  
   
The bells chime as the door closes behind you and you walk out into the cold  
You find Aradia in the alley, leaning against the wall with her head back looking up at the rain. She holds an unlit cigarette in her fingers and as you get closer she turns to look at you  
"Those things will kill you you know" you say, pointing to the cigarette like every love interest in an indie movie ever  
Aradia looks down like she's just noticing that the cigarette is there and laughs lightly, "oh I know, that's why I used to do it"  
"Not anymore though?" you ask, glancing at her and raising an eyebrow as she lights the cigarette and brings it to her painted red lips. Your eyes stay on her left arm where you know beneath the material of her coat there are scars on her skin.  
She shakes her head, smiling as she lets out a breath of smoke into the rainy air, "no, not anymore"  
You hold out your hand and she hands you the cigarette. You take it from her fingers painted in chipping red nail polish and take a breath, coughing  
She smiles at you and pats your back. You glare at her, "don't smile at me like that." Her smile widens and she winks, you roll your eyes  
You stand in silence for a while, passing the cigarette back and forth as the rain starts to fall heavier  
"It was Dave" she says, not looking at you  
"What?" You ask  
"It was Dave that told me that, what I said, that you can't always control what people do, even though you know it's the best thing. Sometimes you just have to sit there and watch someone you love break apart and understand that sometimes you can't fix it" she says  
"Dave?"  
She smiles, "yeah, Dave" she hits her hip against yours and her smile widens, "you two are cute"  
You roll your eyes and hip check her back sending her into a giggling fit, "shut up"  
"You are, he really cares about you Karkat, I can see it" she says. You blush and look down, "I'm going to go" you say, straightening up  
She calms herself down and looks up at you through locks of black hair, bright eyes surrounded by dark makeup and cigarette still pressed to her chapped red lips, "say hey to Dave for me" she says  
You nod, "tell Sollux he's an asshole" and with that you're turning and leaving her there in the alley smoking and smiling as the rain starts to fall heavier  
You pull up the hood of your sweatshirt over your dark hair and shove your hands in your pockets as you make your way back out into the street and to Dave's  
You hope she's right, about Dave. You really hope she's right.

  
   
**Dave**

  
"House three I'm callin it!" you yell, leaning closer to the tv as it plays reruns of House Hunters International  
You're so engrossed in it you don't even notice the banging at your door until yelling joins in.  
You sit up and mute the tv, looking towards the door which is shaking with each bang  
"Strider let me in, I know you're in there I can hear you yelling at the tv"  
You groan and push yourself up from the futon, walking through the kitchen and pulling open the door. On the other Karkat stands hunched over with his hands shoved in the pockets of his sweatshirt. It looks like he's been crying.  
"Fucking finally" he says, pushing passed you into the apartment  
"Sure just come right in" you say, turning and closing the door as he kicks off his shoes  
"This place is a mess" he says, immediately going for the shit sitting on the kitchen table and starting to clean it up.  
"Hey that's not my fault, John's the one that's a mess" you defend  
"Okay tell that to the fucking garbage dump that is your shared room" he says  
"Okay no that's actually pretty fuckin clean considering Vriska is staying with John in there most of the time too" you say  
"I thought she lived here now?" He asks, looking up from the mess on your kitchen table  
"Nah, she pretty much does but all her shit is at her sisters place, apparently it's the same place her and Terezi grew up in" you say  
He nods, "thank fuck for you, oh also, Aradia says hey"  
You grin as your phone starts to buzz on the table. You lean over and grab it, not taking your eyes from where he's compulsively straightening up the playing cards all over your kitchen table. The phone buzzes again, playing the tune of smoke weed every day and you slide your thumb across the screen to answer the call  
"Yo"  
"Dave!" a high pitched voice calls excitedly from the other end and you smile  
"Hey Pets, what's up?"  
"Not much, me and Pounce are just watching House Hunters"  
"Dude, me too"  
She giggles, "you should come over and watch, it's so boring being stuck here but Equius says I need to stay in and get some rest"  
"Hell yeah, Karkat is here too bee-tee-dubs"  
"Oh hello Karkitty!" she yells, loud enough for him to hear even though she's not on speaker phone.  
"Hey Nepeta" he says, raising a hand lamely at your phone, as if she can see him  
In the background you distantly hear someone say "Nepeta you are being much too loud, please be quieter, I am trying to rest"  
"Oh shush you big baby" she calls back  
"No, that is what I asked you to do"  
"Yeah well I'm saying for you to shush"  
"No you shush"  
"You shush"  
"You shush"  
"Pets" you say, interrupting her background argument  
"Oh! Sorry Dave" she says, her voice coming back closer to the phone, "come over whenever"  
   
Your walk with Karkat to the little two bedroom apartment a few blocks down is quiet. Beside you Karkat keeps his head down, eyes focused on his feet as he walks.There's definitely something going on with him but then again how could there not be, his best friend just nearly killed two of your friends and he just left which means Terezi is probably still there, alone with him.  
You open your mouth to ask but Karkat cuts you off, "yeah she's still there" he says, sounding almost bitter  
"Oh" is all you say  
When you reach the place you climb the stoop and knock on the door. On the other side you hear little footsteps and the door opens to Nepeta wearing a pair of blue pajama pants with little green paw prints on them and a tshirt from a local anime con.  
"Hey Dave! Hey Karkat" she says, giving you a cleft lipped smile through the bruises on her chubby face  
"Sup Pets" you say as she steps aside to let you in. As soon as the door is closed behind you you feel something soft rubbing against your leg and look down to see Nepeta's little white cat, Pounce de Leon, looking up at you with huge green eyes  
"Sup Pounce?" You say, leaning down to scratch the cat's head. She immediately starts to purr and licks your hand with her rough little tongue.  
"I was just making some tea if you want some" Nepeta says as you straighten back up and follow her into the apartment  
"Sit down anywhere" Nepeta says from the kitchen as she stands on her toes to reach the cabinets and pull down three mugs.  
You flop down on the couch and Karkat takes a seat beside you  
"Is green tea okay? My mom just sent some from Beijing, it's really amazing"  
"Yeah that sounds great" you say, putting your focus on the tv  
"So what are we watching?" You ask, taking the remote from the coffee table and turning up the volume  
"Well I was watching House Hunters International but this new series came on thats all about tiny living" Nepeta says, padding into the small living room carrying three mugs with tea bag tags dangling from the side  
She sets the mugs on the coffee table and passes you and Karkat one before sitting down in the chair beside you  
"You mean like those people who think they're progressive because they live in fuckin sheds?" You ask, pulling your mug of tea close and blowing on it, watching the surface ripple   
Nepeta giggles, "yup, the places are so cute though I love them, I want to live in one one day"  
You nod, "I could see it, something like that one" you say, pointing at the tv screen where the woman looking for a house is touring an earth bag home that's partially underground and kind of looks like a beehive  
Nepeta smiles widely and nods, taking a sip of her tea "yes yes yes I love this one, I hope it's the one she chooses. The bedroom is like a cozy little cave, I can just see me and Pounce snuggling up in it together"  
"I'm feeling fucking clostrophobic just looking at it" Karkat says, shaking his head, "she won't choose it"  
"Well I think this calls for a bet" you say, grinning at both of them  
Nepeta grins back, knowing where you're going but Karkat gives you a confused look, "what are you-?"  
"Just wait" you say, grinning between him and Nepeta, "I got this, now what are we betting?"

  

**Terezi**

You don't know what you're going to do  
You sit alone in the living room, staring at the middle school picture in it's shittily made frame sitting on the kitchen counter. What happened to you?  
You sigh and run a hand through your hair, pulling your feet up to rest on the edge of the chair and dropping you head on the kitchen counter, what are you going to do?  
You've been waiting for Gamzee to wake up for hours now and you're starting to think he never will and you'll be stuck here forever, waiting.  
It's hard with all this silence not to think about what happened. With you, with Gamzee, and now Karkat too. He knows, he knows and that realization makes you feel like you're going to throw up.  
"Just think about what I said" thats what he told you, but how can you think about doing that  when your best friend is passed out in the room right next to you with three gashes across his face and a system full of drugs.  
You shake your head and groan against the table, "fuck me"  
"Can do"  
You jump, sitting up and looking towards the bedroom door where Gamzee stands against the growing light of the mid day, leaning his weight against the door frame   
"Gamzee, are you-?"  
"I'm all good, baby girl, just some scratches"  
You're shaking looking at him, his face a mess of bandaging and stitches, his once delicate, long nose now swollen with nasty looking bruises, but he's grinning, well as much as he can anyway  
"Where's Karbro? I gotta up an show him this shit, he's gonna flip his shit" he says, laughing  
"Karkat? He...I...don't you remember what happened?" you ask, standing from the kitchen table   
He looks at you in confusion, "last I remember we was gettin our party on and then...then"  
His narrow purple eyes go wide and his lips part, "and then..." he looks at you for confirmation and you bite the inside of your cheek, nodding slowly   
"Fuck" he says, walking over and dropping into the chair across from your, "fuck fuck fuck"  
 You bite your lip harder as you look at him, "did that really-?"  
"Yeah" you say  
"Motherfuck"  
"Yeah, pretty much" you say  
"Where is Karbro?" he asks, suddenly looking up at you   
You stiffen and look down, unable to meet his eyes  
"Where is he?" he asks, more demanding this time  
You chew viciously at your lip but don't answer  
"Terezi, tell me where he is"  
You still don't say anything  
"Terezi"  
"He's gone" you say, finally looking up to meet his eyes  
He looks at you in confusion for a moment, his bruised face a mix of emotions, "g one?"  
You nod, "yeah, gone"  
"But-"   
"He said he couldn't take it anymore, he said...he was leaving" you say quietly, watching him   
He stares at the table, blinking slowly, "so he's really done , he ain't comin back"  
You nod and take a seat again, taking his large hand in your small one   
"Yeah, he's done"  
He looks up and meets your eye, his face a strange mix of confusion and legitimate pain "it's just you an me?"  
You pause for a moment, thinking about what Karkat said before you look back up at him and nod, giving his hand a squeeze, "yeah, just you and me."


	10. like the skin stretched over your bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are calm and reposed  
> Let your beauty unfold  
> Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones  
> Spring keeps you ever close  
> You are second-hand smoke  
> You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins  
> Holding on to yourself the best you can  
> You are the smell before rain  
> You are the blood in my veins  
> Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not  
> I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget”  
> -Brand New-[The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0naRFSK2hQ)br />  
> Terezi doesn't think she can live like this anymore, if you can call it living at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the airport right now and I'm writing fucking Homestuck fic.  
> I got my first tattoo! It's a Homestuck tattoo that I got it from my manager at work for like $50. Yup, that's right, my manager gave me a Homestuck tattoo, thats what my life is.  
> Also I've never had cactus beer but I've heard it's good, thanks to [minimari.tumblr.com](http://http://minimari.tumblr.com//) for the suggestion that Jade would drink it!

**Dave**   
  
You wake up to the sound of Johns alarm from the other room blaring over the sound of the tv  
You sit up, groaning as you feel the stiffness in your neck. You had a long night working at the diner, five hours bent over an industrial kitchen sink washing dishes while Roxy and Jane ran in and out of the kitchen constantly, Jake yelled back orders and Dirk bitched at you to do the dishes faster. You didn't even get home until 3am  
You blink a few times, rubbing your eyes and squinting at the tv  
You had fallen asleep with Adult Swim on so now reruns of some Cartoon Network show you don't recognize are playing  
You grab the remote from the floor beside the futon and start switching through channels  
In the background Johns alarm is still going off so you turn to yell into the bedroom "yo John do you mind shutting that shit up, some people are trying to watch tv here!"  
Your response is a shoe thrown out the bedroom door, rolling into the kitchen and coming to a stop against the kitchen table, before the alarm is finally silenced a second later  
You roll your eyes and turn back to the tv as you hear John begin to stumble around your room getting up  
  
When he walks into the kitchen rubbing his eyes under his glasses, his black hair a fucking mess and still in his stupid ghost busters pajamas, you ask him "you got work today?"  
He shakes his head as he yanks open the fridge door, digging around inside until he pulls out a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (yes you keep cereal in the fridge) and the jug of soy milk, "nope, day off, fucking finally"  
"Uh dude I wouldn't drink that" you say, pointing to the soy milk  
"Why not?" He asks, setting both the soy milk and cereal on the table  
"Cause Jade got that when she was staying with us like, a month ago"  
"So? It's soy milk, it doesn't go bad"  
"Uh yeah dude, it does"  
"Well the only other thing in there is chocolate milk and I'm not you so I'm not fucking using that"  
You shrug and turn back to the tv, "whatever dude, you don't know what you're missing"  
"You know, more and more every day I can see how you and Rose are twins" he says  
You spin on him, arm propped up on the top of the futon, "hey I am not _nearly_ as bad as her"  
He laughs, displaying his big buck teeth, "yeah, no ones that bad"  
"You don't know my brother" you grumble, thinking of your argument with Dirk last night as you turn back to the tv  
Either he doesn't hear you or he chooses not to answer because he doesn't say anything until he's coming to plop down in the chair across from you  
You watch him as he bends over his cereal bowl and takes a spoonful, slurping cautiously at the milk  
After a moment he smacks his mouth, shrugs and continues to eat  
You roll your eyes, "so gross dude"  
He snorts and continues eating while you finally give up on channel surfing and pull up Netflix  
"Is Karkat up yet?" You ask, signing into your Netflix account entitled 'insufferable prick' and scrolling through your list  
"Nah, still sleeping" he says   
You nod and select an episode of BoJack Horseman  
You watch, only half paying attention to the tv as you grab your phone from the table, opening up pesterchum  
  
**turntechGodhead [TG]** started pestering **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 8:45 am  
**TG** : yo TZ you there?  
**TG** : ...  
**TG** : nah?  
**TG** : okay, message me back whevenever you get a chance   
**TG** : see ya  
**turntechGodhead [TG]** ceased pestering **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 8:46 am  
  
You sigh and drop your phone down beside you. It's been three days since she's answered you.  
"What's wrong?" John asks, looking up at you with a spoonful of cereal hovering by his open mouth  
"Nothing" you say, shaking your head  
He shrugs, "alright, whatever you say dude" and goes back to eating his cereal  
Yeah, it's nothing  
  
Karkat comes into the kitchen a half hour later, grumbling and cursing to himself. He goes through the same routine that John did, digging through the fridge and finally giving up and cursing, slamming the door closed   
He settles for taking a bagel from the bag laying open on the counter and smearing it with a disgusting amount of cream cheese that he must have found in the back of the fridge because you could have sworn you were out. You need to go grocery shopping.  
"Sleep well?" you ask, smiling up at him as he comes to sit down beside you on the futon  
"Shut up" he grumbles through a mouth full of bagel  
You laugh and turn up the volume, tossing the remote to the side to go get breakfast yourself  
Since Terezi hasn't been around you actually have some toaster strudels in the freezer so you pop two in the toaster and grab the bottle of apple juice out of the fridge. When your toaster strudels are done you grab them and the bottle of apple juice and walk back into the living room, plopping down on the futon again.  
"So what's on for today?" You ask, taking a big, sticky bite of toaster strudel and washing it down with apple juice  
"You say that like we're actual people with actual lives that we plan" Karkat says, biting into his disgustingly cream cheesy bagel  
"Hey I'm just askin if we got any plans today, you know, parties, shows, movie night, I figured since we're all off we could do something, wait Karkat you are off right, I think I remember that?" you say, turning to him  
He nods, "yeah I'm off, fucking finally"  
"That's what I said!" John says, raising his hand for a high five which Karkat responds to with a middle finger  
"Okay so we're all off today what are we doing then? I mean we don't gotta do anything that's cool too but if I'm gonna be bored I at least wanna be bored with my bros" you say  
John smiles, "as much as I would love to have bro time Dave, I told Vriska I would go over to her new place today"  
You groan and roll your eyes, shades still not on, "uhg, you having a girlfriend sucks major ass dude"  
"She's not my girlfriend" he says  
You and Karkat stop, look at each other and burst out laughing  
"Hey shut up okay, we just never made anything official and I don't want to like, ask her about it because well, you know how she can be" John says defensively  
"You mean like a bitch?" Karkat asks, wiping a tear from his eye  
"Hey don't call her a bitch, she's not that bad" he says defensively   
You and Karkat look at each other again and then back at John, simultaneously raising your eyebrows  
John sighs and rolls his blue eyes behind his thick rimmed glasses, "okay she can be sometimes but just, be nice okay, I care about her"  
You laugh, waving your hand, "dude we know, she’s our friend too, we're just fucking with you"  
  
"So what are we doing today then if Egbert is going to hang out with Vriska?" Karkat asks, turning to you  
You shrug, "I dunno, Jade just got home this week, we could message her"  
"I'll do it" Karkat says, pulling his phone out of the pocket of his pajama pants and unlocking the screen, typing out a quick message to Jade  
"She says we should come over and watch movies tonight" Karkat says a moment later, "except she said it really excitedly with a lot of exclamation points" he rolls his eyes and does jazz hands  
You laugh, "hell yeah, sounds like a plan, where was she anyway?"  
Karkat shrugs, "man I don't know, probably some island in the middle of the fucking Pacific Ocean"  
"She was in India with our Grandpa actually" John says helpfully  
"Oh Karkat I bet she brought you home some food" you say, playfully punching him in the shoulder. Karkat loves samosas.  
He rolls his eyes and pushes you away, rubbing his shoulder, "don't be an idiot, you can't take food on a plane like that"  
"You can if you check bags" you say  
"Whatever, okay, sorry I don't have much air travel experience"  
"Dude didn't you like, live in Italy for a while"  
"No, that was my Aunt Rosa and Porrim, me and Kanaya never lived there" he says  
"Oh" you say  
"Porrim is Kanaya's older sister right?" John asks  
Karkat nods, "yeah, she's working at some feminist fashion company in Milan right now or something like that"  
"That's pretty cool, I bet she isn't as cool as Kanaya though" John says  
"You'd be surprised" Karkat says  
"No way, I refuse to believe it, Kanaya is the coolest" John says  
You gasp, slapping a hand over your heart, "John, how could you?"  
He laughs, "you're a dork and you know it, besides, you saw what Kanaya did at the party, she fucking broke Gamzee's nose with ONE punch"  
There's a tense second of silence at the mention of Gamzee and you lock eyes with John, shaking your head to try to get it across that he should stop talking about him  
"He went DOWN, it was awesome"  
"John" you say, glancing at Karkat who is now glaring at his half eaten bagel  
"and then Kanaya just went back to helping Nepeta, she wasn't even fazed, I'm telling you-"  
"JOHN"  
He stops mid sentence and looks at you questioningly, tipping his head to the side, "what?"  
You nod towards Karkat and John glances over at him  
He bites his lip and glances back at you, "shit dude I-"  
Karkat stands, cutting John off, "it's fine, I don't care, he's an asshole anyways"  
  
With that he turns and stomps back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.  
You hear the shower start a few minutes later and you and John look at each other uncomfortably  
"Oops" he says, giving you his stupid buck toothed smile  
You sigh and rub the bridge of your nose, a habit you unfortunately picked up from Dirk, "it's fine, you know what hes like"  
"Yeah, like a little bitch" he says  
You look up and shoot him a serious look that quickly turns into a smile and then you're both laughing, "he is SUCH a little bitch"  
  
Karkat comes back into the living room after a shower that rivals yours in length and doesn't say anything about what happened, just takes the remote from your hands so he can "put something decent on"  
You spend the rest of the day fucking around and watching tv until around 6:00pm when John says he has to go to Vriska's  
"Alright dudes" he says, standing up from the chair and stretching, his back cracking loudly, "It's been good"  
"Okay, have fun" you say, not looking up from the tv  
"Say hi to the bitch for me" Karkat says, digging into a box of Apple Jacks and stuffing a handful into his mouth  
"Thanks Dave, fuck you Karkat, peace losers" he says, shooting finger guns at you and walking out of the living room and into the bedroom  
"I think she's rubbing off on him" you say, looking back at Karkat  
He nods, eating another handful of Apple Jacks, "yup, that's a thing that is happening"  
"Fuck" you say, "mother FUCK"  
You go back to watching the tv, now very focused on an episode of Soul Eater.   
You check your phone, no response.  
An episode later, you check it again, nothing.  
Two episodes later you check again, still nothing.  
Nothing  
  
  
**Vriska**   
  
"Fuck yeah!" You yell, throwing your game controller against the carpeted floor and cheering with your fits pumped, "Vriska Serket, Mario Kart champion, suck on that Pyrope!"  
You let your arms fall back to your sides and recline back against the couch, plunging your hand into the bag of chips beside you, chomping on a handful and brushing your hands off on your jeans  
You lean over and dig around the mess on the floor until you find your phone and pick it up in your still chip salty hands  
No new messages  
You groan and move to throw your phone in the area you tossed the controller but decide to try again and open up trollian   
  
**arachnidsGrip [AG]** started trolling **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 6:25pm  
**AG** : Hey bitch  
**AG** : Bitch  
**AG** : Biiiiiiiittttttttccccccccchhhhhhhh  
**AG** : fine  
**AG** : whatever  
**AG** : don't answer me  
**AG** : just thought you might want to know I officially beat your record on Mario kart  
**AG** : Baby Bowser can suck iiiiiiiitttttttt  
**AG** : you're not gonna answer are you  
**AG** : uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhgggggggg  
**AG** : Fine  
**AG** : be that way  
**AG** : message back when you decide to stop being a bitch  
**arachnidsGrip [AG]** ceased trolling **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 6:28pm  
  
This time you do toss your phone to the side and push yourself up, groaning  
John should be coming over soon to hang out and then you're going to go to a show  
You don't feel like texting him so instead you pad into the kitchen, moving around the trash bags of clothes still on the floor from the move to reach the refrigerator  
You yank open the door and lean down to look inside  
There's a bag from Burger King that's been there since the first day you moved in, some lasagna that Kanaya brought over for you over the weekend and a shit load of alcohol  
You grab a beer out of the door and pop it open, hip checking the door closed behind you as you take a sip  
"Bluh" you say, crinkling your nose and inspecting the can closer, "this tastes like piss"  
You walk back into the living room and plop down on the couch, reaching down to get the bag of chips from the floor and put them in your lap  
You lean back against the couch and grab the remote from the armrest, changing the setting on the tv to get to Netflix  
You flip through your list, finally settling on Soul Eater which you had started watching with Terezi  
You groan and take a gulp of beer, why won't she just answer you  
As if on cue your phone vibrates on the floor across the room and you sit up, leaning forward to grab it off the floor  
  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 6:45 pm  
**GC** : hey sister  
**AG** : there you are! Why weren't you answering me!?  
**AG** : ........  
**AG** : Terezi?  
**AG** : uhg why are you being so annoying!!!!!!!!  
**AG** : whatever message me when you actually want to talk  
You move to shut trollian down when another message comes in  
**GC** : I'm here  
**GC** : calm your tits sis  
**AG** : oh  
**AG** : answer me back next time  
**AG** : anyways what's up  
**GC** : not much  
**GC** : just up an gettin my relax on  
**AG** : ........  
**AG** : Terezi, you sound fucking weird are you okay????????  
**GC** : I'm feelin motherfuckin fine my sister, how bout you?  
**AG** : ........  
**AG** : okay I know this isn't Terezi  
**AG** : who is this!?  
**GC** : it's motherfuckin me my wicked sister  
**AG** : ........Gamzee?  
**GC** : got me ;o)  
**AG** : ew don't DO that, and why are you answering Terezi's phone!?  
**GC** : I'm gettin my motherfuckin shrug on here sister  
**AG** : tell me what the fuck is going on you goddamn clown  
**AG** : where's Terezi?  
**AG** : is she okay?  
**AG** : I swear to god if you did anything  
**GC** : calm yo non existent tits sister  
**GC** : she's fine  
**GC** : she's up an gettin her rest on in the other room  
**AG** : okay first of all don't talk about my TOTALLY EXISTENT tits and second  
**AG** : let me talk to her  
**GC** : nah  
**AG** : you fucking clown I swear to GOD  
**GC** : calm  
**GC** : the  
**GC** : mother  
**GC** : fuck  
**GC** : down  
**GC** : sister  
**GC** : she's fuckin fine  
**GC** : in both senses of the motherfuckin word  
**GC** : I ain't gonna wake her up to talk to your bitch ass  
**GC** : girl needs her sleep  
**GC** : barely gets any a that shit these days  
**AG** : don't pretend you care about her  
**GC** : I'm hurt Serket sister  
**GC** : course I care about her  
**AG** : no you don't  
**AG** : maybe you did a long time ago  
**AG** : but you don't now  
**AG** : I've been onto your stoner ass since the fucking beginning  
**AG** : you don't care about her  
**AG** : all you care about is yourself and getting fucking high  
**AG** : also Equius and Nepeta are out of the hospital  
**AG** : if you fucking care to know  
**GC** : I do actually care to know my sister  
**GC** : that's motherfuckin great  
**GC** : don't know why you're tellin me this but if a brother and a little sister are doin better then I'm good for the tellin  
**AG** : ........you don't remember?  
**GC** : remember what :o?  
**AG** : you're serious right now?  
**GC** : sister I got my motherfuckin serious on bout much as I can right now  
**AG** : I can't believe you  
**AG** : actually no I can  
**AG** : you don't fucking remember anything from the party? How your face got all fucked up?  
**GC** : no...  
**AG** : jesus christ Makara  
**AG** : I guess you were off your ass  
**AG** : which is why you lost it in an absolutely fantastic shit storm of a way  
**GC** : what the motherfuck you sayin sister?  
**AG** : you almost killed them asshole  
**GC** : who?  
**AG** : Equius and Nepeta shit stain!!!!!!!!!  
**GC** : I wouldn't fuckin do that to a brother and sister  
**AG** : uh, yeah, you would  
**AG** : you tried to choke Equius to death and when Nepeta tried to stop you you bashed her fucking head into the floor  
**GC** : what happened to my face then?  
**AG** : jesus  
**AG** : You were strangling Equius and you wouldn't let go so Nepeta broke a bottle on your face  
**AG** : also Kanaya broke your nose  
**GC** : the fuck  
**GC** : why?  
**AG** : because you tried to attack Nepeta again  
**GC** : so what now your ass is pissed at me or somethin?  
**GC** : bitch I don't give a single one a them motherfucks what you think  
**GC** : and don't be thinking Terezi does either  
**AG** : shut up about Terezi  
**AG** : you don't get to say SHIT about her do you fucking hear me?  
**AG** : I know what you are Makara, always have, always will  
**AG** : you think I don't know what you're doing?  
**AG** : because I do  
**AG** : and I swear to GOD  
**AG** : if you TOUCH my sister  
**AG** : I will kill you  
**arachnidsGrip [AG]** ceased being trolled by **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 6:58 pm  
  
  
**John**   
  
You can still hear Karkat yelling and Dave laughing as you shut the door to the apartment building and walk out onto the sidewalk  
You considered taking your bike but you left it up in the apartment and Vriska's new place is a lot closer than the old one and besides, you could use the walk  
It's nearing March by now and the weather has been changing from snow to freezing rain. A week ago you it even hailed but you all got together and watched movies so it was alright.  
When you reach her house you climb the concrete steps and knock on the door, which is badly painted a patchy blue color, and dance on your feet with your hands in your pockets until the door opens  
Vriska stands on the other side, black hair a wild mess and a beer in her hand.  
"Hey" you say, smiling and raising your hand in greeting  
"Hey John" she says, turning on her heel and walking back inside, leaving the door open for you  
"Okay" You say, shoving your hands back in your pockets and following her inside  
"So what's up for tonight?" You ask as you close the door behind you  
She doesn't answer, instead she downs the rest of her beer in one go and throws the empty can against the wall where it bounces on the edge of the trash can and onto the floor  
"Uh...you okay?" You ask, watching the beer can roll across the dirty linoleum floor until it hits the wall  
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fucking FANTAAAAAAASTIC" she says, stomping out of the kitchen and into the bedroom  
"Uh, you don't sound fantaaaaaaaastic" you say, following her into the bedroom  
"John" she says, stopping and spinning on you  
"Yeah?" You ask  
"Drop it"  
"Okay, I'll drop it, jeez" you say, raising your hands in surrender  
"Good" she says, giving you an obviously forced smile, "cause we're gonna to have fun tonight"  
  
With that she takes your hand and drags you into the bedroom  
You sit on her bed, tossing her stuffed 8 ball in the air as she gets changed and puts on makeup  
"So where are we going?" You asks, tossing up the stuffed 8 ball. It hits the low ceiling of the bedroom and bounces back into your hands  
"There's a show in the basement of that church down the street tonight" she says, leaning closer to the smudged mirror to apply her blue lipstick  
"Okay, sounds like a good time" you say, tossing the 8ball in the air again  
"It's always a good time with me" she says, straightening up and looking at herself in the mirror  
She straightens her skin tight blue dress against her bony body and spins in her high heels to grin at you  
"So? How do I look?" She asks, holding out her skinny arms  
"Uh, you look great, really great" you say, feeling your cheeks heat up  
Her grin widens, "let's go"  
  
"John come ON!" Vriska yells from outside  
"I'm coming" you yell, digging around in the dark of the church basement  
"I have to pee!"  
"Alright alright I'm coming, calm down, I'm looking for my shoes"  
"Fuck your shoes!"  
"Hey" you say, your hand stopping on something solid, "my Nanna gave me these shoes"  
You pick up the shoe, feel around until you find the other and stumble out into the alley  
"Aw dude" you say, throwing your free hand over your eyes as you stumble out into the alley  
"Oh calm down" Vriska says  
"You're peeing in the alley" you say  
"Well you were taking too long, I drank a lot I have to pee" she says defensively   
"Uhg, whatever just, are you done, can I look now?" You ask  
"Wait a sec" she says and after some shuffling she says, "yeah you're good"   
You take your hand from over your eyes to see her standing in the middle of the alley adjusting her dress over her bony hips   
"You ready to go?" You ask, smiling at her  
"Now I am, lets go get some food or something" she says, waving you off and stumbling out of the alley  
You laugh and run into the street after her  
  
You share some fries and a milkshake at Ms. Paints diner and end up out back, sharing a beer you took from the house  
"So what was up with you earlier anyway?" You ask, taking a sip of beer and offering it to her  
"What?" She asks, taking the beer from you  
"Earlier when I came to get you, you were acting kinda weird, are you okay?"  
She snorts and takes another chug of beer, "yeah, I'm good"  
"What happened?" You ask  
She waves you off "just some shit with Terezi"  
"Oh yeah I haven't seen her since the party, is she okay?" You ask  
She shakes her head, suddenly looking distant, "I'm worried about her" she admits, looking up at you with one hazy blue eye  
"Oh" you say, putting a hand on her bare arm to steady her as she slumps forward against you, "well is there anything I can do to help?"  
She shakes her head where it leans against your chest and you pet her messy black hair, looking down at her fondly, "are YOU okay?" You ask  
She shakes her head again  
"Well can I do anything about that?" You ask  
This time she doesn't answer and you lean over to peer at her to see that she's asleep, one eye closed, messy black hair hanging down over her face.  
You take a breath and shake your head, patting her back. She did have a lot to drink.  
"Okay well we're gonna go home now okay" you say, wrapping your arms around her to lift her up when you hear something vibrate beside you  
You look down to see Vriska's phone lighting up on the pavement  
You set her back against the wall reach forward and grab the phone off the ground  
You press the home button and the screen lights up, displaying new notifications from trollian   
  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:53 pm  
**GC** : Vriska are you there?  
**GC** : Its me this time  
**GC** : I need help  
**GC** : Vriska?  
**GC** : shit   
**GC** : you're probably out  
**GC** : I gotta go  
**GC** : message back when you get this   
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:54 pm  
  
You shove the phone in the pocket of your pants and slip your arm around Vriska's bony middle.  
You stand, supporting her weight, and stumble back out into the street in the direction of her apartment  
The phone doesn't make another sound    
  
  
**Terezi**   
  
It's just been you and Gamzee for almost a month now  
You've been staying in contact with Vriska and Dave but besides that you haven't actually seen anyone in weeks, especially not Karkat. You're afraid of what Gamzee would do if he found out.  
  
Yeah, Gamzee  
His face is healing well but he hasn't left the house much, except to go to shows and clubs. It's always dark at those places so no one really looks at his scars.  
He says he doesn't like how people look at him and you know it's just a matter of time before he gets into a fight over it so you try to keep him from going out as much as possible and when he does you go with him.  
Sometimes it's good. You sit together watching tv, talking about stupid shit, and everything almost feels normal. But then you see those three scars on his face, only barely beginning to heal, and you wince because you remember the look on Gamzee's face as he choked the life out of Equius, you remember what he screamed as he bashed Nepeta's head into the floor, and it makes you want to run  
  
Yeah, run  
You've thought about it, about what Karkat said. You've even started out a message to him, apologizing and asking him to help you get Gamzee to a rehab center but you couldn't bring yourself to finish it. Gamzee is your responsibility, it's your job to take care of him, and that's what you're going to do.

One of the few times you did go out you met his brother Kurloz and his girlfriend Meulin at a dive bar downtown. You sat around the bar talking while a band that was probably made up of local college kids and one talented high schooler played on the small stage. The whole time you felt uneasy and you couldn't seem to shake it. Kurloz was watching you in silence, he did everything in silence. It unnerved you.

When a new band took the stage so the previous ones could go get drinks, you got up to go to the bathroom. The alcohol was helping but it was also making you feel sick. You went into the grimy bathroom and when you came back out into the dark hallway someone put a hand on your arm. 

You jumped, instinctively raising your arms up to protect your face. When no blow came you slowly lowered your arms to see Kurloz looking down at you with those sharp purple eyes.

"Kurloz?"

He nodded and took a small pad of paper and a pen from the pocket of his coat. He wrote quickly and turned the pad of paper to face you. 

_'you should be careful'_

"What?" You asked, thoroughly confused

He turned the pad of paper back to face him and flipped the page, writing something else and turning it back to face you 

_'Gamzee, you should be careful of him'_

"I don't...why would I do that?"

He looked at you knowingly and flipped the page again, writing something quickly and turning back to face you 

_'he hurts you, doesn't he'_

Your stomach twisted and you shook your head. He was right but you weren't going to let him know that, the less people knew the better.

He wrote something else and showed it to you

_'you don't have to lie, I know what he can do'_

You started to shake, you didn't know what to say. What was Gamzee's brother doing warning you about him? 

You started shaking and forced out through dry lips, "I don't know what you think you know but there's nothing going on"

Something like pity flickered across his face but just for a moment before he was unreadable again 

_'Your lip is split'_

Your eyes widened and you put your hand to your lip, feeling the broken skin, "I ran into the door." Its an automatic response but not a good one.

He looked down at you in his silence before writing one last thing on the pad of paper and turning it to you

_'just remember what I said'_

The rest of the night was a blur and when you got home Gamzee passed out while you lay awake, unable to sleep as you thought about what Kurloz has said. What could Gamzee do?  
  
When he can't really go out anymore he started to smoke constantly, two packs a day and he drinks just as much  
He keeps a bottle of liquor on the night stand and drinks it as soon as he wakes up. You've tried to stop him but it never ends well.  
The time you tried to tell him that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the best idea to drink as soon as he woke up, he shoved you into the wall and told you to "shut the fuck up"  
The time you tried to take it from him, you got a nasty bruise on your jaw  
The time you took all the alcohol in the house and dumped it down the drain while he was sleeping, well, that got you what you're pretty sure is a bruised rib  
  
When you look at yourself in the bathroom mirror all you see is bruises, some light some dark on your pale skin. You wish they would just go away, like the scars and cuts on your arm, because those haven't gotten you anything good either  
He saw them when you were getting out of the shower, wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. You walked into the bedroom, you were feeling better than before, because that's always what hurting yourself did, and you had gotten all the blood to stop so now your arm was just red and irritated  
You hadn't expected him to be in the bedroom when you walked out but there he was.   
You thought he was asleep on the couch, that's where he was when you left, but apparently not anymore  
You had stopped in your tracks and just stared at him, not knowing what to do, but suddenly you could feel the water dripping down over the cuts on your arm and you had to stop yourself from shaking  
He hadn't said a word, just looked at you though those scars like the bars you were beginning to imagine on the windows of this bedroom  
He got up and walked over to you, he touched his hand to your arm and when you pulled away he grabbed your arm and squeezed, digging his fingers into your skin until you whimpered in pain  
Then he just let go without saying a word and left you alone in the bedroom, blood running down your arm.  
  
Now you're laying in bed, still in a towel, staring up at the ceiling, having just woken up.  
You sit up in bed and look around the dark room, pale purple light being cast through the drawn shades onto the mess of clothes on the floor  
You get up, holding the still damp towel against your body as you stand  
You stumble a little when your foot catches on a shirt on the floor and the room spins. It reminds you that you haven't eaten all day, or in a few days? You can't remember  
You drop the towel and lean down to grab the shirt you tripped on. You pull it on and walk out into the living room.  
  
On the couch there's the familiar shape of a person against the glow of the tv screen.  
"Gamzee?" You ask, walking closer to him  
He doesn't answer and you lean over the back of the couch to see something glowing in his hands  
There's teal text on the screen, your teal text, and where his thumb rests against the side of the phone you see a little red dragon charm, _your_  little red dragon charm  
"Is that my phone?" You say, reaching for the little object in his hands  
He shoots up straight and pulls away from you, looking back at you with his scarred face  
"That _is_ my phone" you say, trying to grab it again, "why do you have my phone!?"  
He jumps up, stepping back from you easily and holding the phone up high where you can't reach it, "why ain't you answerin your sister?"  
"What?" You ask, legitimately confused  
"Your sister, she's been messagin you, you ain't been getting your answer on" he says   
"Latula messaged me?" You ask  
He shakes his head, "nah the other one, the bitch"  
"Vriska?"  
"Yeah, that one"  
"Wait how did you know she's messaging me, are you going through my phone? Are you messaging Vriska as me!? What the FUCK Gamzee, give me that!" You yell, reaching for the phone again  
He shakes his head, "nah sister you ain't gettin this back, not till you tell me why you ain't been answerin her"  
"Why does it matter?"  
"Cause, she's worried about you, so's Strider, he's been messagin too, and you ain't been answerin him"  
Your stomach twists and you resist the urge to bite your lip, instead glaring up at him, "give me back my phone Gamzee" you say, holding out your hand  
He shakes his head, causing his loose dark hair to fall over his eyes which you notice are hazy with whats probably a mix of alcohol and weed or some other drug   
"I'm serious Gamzee, give it back" you say  
  
When he doesn't move you jump forward and try to grab his arm but he's too fast for you and before your can blink you're on the floor with the air knocked out of you and he's pinning you down.  
He leans down close to you, his scarred face twisted in a snarl, fake smile now gone. His breath is rancid and you gag on the smell.  
"You ain't gonna be talkin to no one, got it?"  
"What? No! That's ridiculous, get off m-"  
"Ain't happenin sister, not till you fuckin promise me"  
"What do you mean? Promise you what?" you demand  
"Promise me you won't be tryin to leave"  
You struggle to take a breath under his weight and shake your head, "I- You need help Gamzee"  
"I don't need shit" he says  
"Yes you do, Karkat was right"  
"Fuck Karkat!" He yells, making you flinch at the volume   
"Brothers a fuckin FLAKE, fuckin lousy ass friend, ain't got nothin to be offering me no more!"  
"Gamzee stop" you start but he raises his hand and hits you hard.

You lay there stunned and shaking on the floor, holding your arms over your face with your eyes squeezed shut  
"What are you fuckin shakin about!?" He demands   
You don't answer, more focused on the taste of blood on your lips. He's still for a minute, looking down at you and then he's taking your arms and wrenching them from over your face. He leans down so that his face is close to yours. "Open your eyes girl." You keep them squeezed shut. "I said open em!" You flinch and slowly open your eyes to look up at him. He tips his head to the side and gives you a grin, "there we go, that's better now ain't it?" He brushes his thumb against your lips, wiping blood off your skin. You nod stiffly, your heart beating so hard it hurts, "yeah"  
  
You tell him to get some sleep and he passes out in the bedroom leaving you to just sit on the couch staring at your phone where it was tossed aside in the fight, your face throbbing in pain   
You hear Karkats words in your head and you know he's right, you have to get out, but how can you?  
You take a deep breath, leaning forward and grabbing your phone off the carpet  
It's cold in your hands as you open up trollian  
The message Gamzee was on is still up and you scroll through quickly to see what was said before responding to the message again  
  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:53 pm  
**GC** : Vriska are you there?  
**GC** : Its me this time  
**GC** : I need help  
**GC** : Vriska?  
**GC** : shit   
**GC** : you're probably out  
**GC** : I gotta go  
**GC** : message back when you get this   
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:54 pm  
  
You sigh and sit back against the couch, letting your head fall back against the cushions  
You hold tight to your phone before sitting up again and opening a new message

  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:54 pm  
**GC** : Dave  
**GC** : I need help  
**GC** : Meet at our place   
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:54 pm

  
You lock your phone and stand, ignoring the soreness in your body and run to the bedroom to check that Gamzee is asleep  
He's passed out face down on the bed and you take the chance to grab your bag from the corner  
You don't bother with anything else you might have left, just pull on some leggings under your shirt and grab a coat.  
Then you're running as quietly as you can to the door where you slip on your shoes and pull on your backpack and then you're pushing outside, pulling the door closed behind you and running down the steps and out into the cold night.

  
   
**Dave**   
   
“Yo Karkat!”  
“What!?”  
“Wanna go get food?”  
“No, unlike you I don’t want to spend all my money on food, and we're going to Jade's soon”  
“Come ooonnn”  
“No Dave”  
“Karkat”  
“What Dave?”  
“Karkat”  
“WHAT DAVE!?”  
“…”  
“Dave”  
“…”  
“Dave?”  
Karkat's heavy footsteps sound down the hallway and then he’s stomping into your room through the partially open door  
“God DAMMIT Dave”  
  
You laugh and open one eye to see him glaring at you from the door.  
He flips you off which just makes you start laughing harder. He tries to shut you up by picking up a shoe from the mess of a bedroom floor and chucking it at you.  
You throw your arms up to cover your face and it smacks you in the arm.  
"Shit" you say, sitting up and rubbing your arm, looking down at the shoe to see that its a dirty looking blue sneaker, one of Johns  
You look back up at Karkat and pout your bottom lip, "that huuuuurt"  
"Yeah well Jade says we can come over whenever, she can heal you boo boo" he says as you pull on your vans without any socks  
"Hell yeah she can, she's got like, a shit load of plants for that, heal a dude right up" you say, ignoring his thick sarcasm and grinning up at him  
He glares at you and looks down at where you're now pulling on your other shoe with no socks on, "you're disgusting"  
   
You're ready within five minutes and out the door in another five  
When you reach the plant shop Karkat curses from behind you. The shop is closed this late, and the door is locked.

"Fuck"

"Nah dude it's cool, I know where the key is" you say, walking over to the brick wall. You find the place in the cracking mortar that Jade told you about and pull out a key, holding it up with a grin for Karkat to see. He rolls his eyes but gives you a small smile.

You cross through the dark shop and climb the steps. You bang on the door, shifting impatiently on your feet as Karkat finally catches up to you, panting and cursing under his breath  
You keep knocking until the door opens and Jade looks up at you from the other side  
Her big green eyes are bright as her face breaks into a buck toothed smile identical to her brother's, "Dave!"  
She leaps forward in a blur of messy black hair, wrapping her dark, well built arms around your neck painfully tight and squeezing  
"Hey Harley" you say, laughing and hugging her back  
She smells like she's been in the garden  
  
She lets go and pulls back, still smiling widely as her gaze lands on Karkat  
"Karkat!"  
He looks up in surprise with no time to react before he's being enveloped in a wave of Jade  
"Fuck, Jade you're suffocating me" he says, hugging her back awkwardly while trying to pull her off of him  
She giggles and detaches herself, "I see you're grumpy as ever, come in come in" she says, jumping back to make way for you  
The second you set foot in the apartment you spot Jade's giant white fluff ball of a dog across the room and freeze  
"Bec!"  
The dog stills as well and looks at you with his bright green eyes before taking off impossibly fast across the room  
You reach out to him just as he tackles you in a blur of white and sloppy dog slobber  
Jade giggles and continues into the apartment  
Karkat follows her, stepping carefully around where you and Bec lay in a messy pile on the carpeted floor  
  
You push yourself up, pushing Bec away as he tries to lick your face  
"So how was India?" You ask, standing and brushing the clumps of white dog fur off your legs  
"It was great, Grandpa is still there but I had to get back"  
"Oh yeah, you still got that job down at the flower shop?" you ask, following her and Karkat into the kitchen  
 "Yeah, that and I start class again soon"

"What's your major now?" Karkat asks, taking a bag of pretzels that lay open on the counter and eating a handful, "wait, whats wrong with these?" he asks, looking closer at the bag  
She laughs and takes the bag from him, taking some for herself, "they're gluten free, I got them at the whole foods store that Feferi and Eridan work at. And my major is astrophysics with a minor in botany, I'm actually thinking of getting another minor in chemical engineering too"  
"Damn, wish I could do some a that school shit" you say, snatching a few pretzels from her open palm  
"Well maybe you could if you actually applied" she says, slapping your hand away and leaning over to dig in the fridge   
"Nah" you say, taking the beer she offers up to you and waving her off, "that shit aint really for me, just sounds fun sometimes is all"  
"What about paleontology?" she asks, "you used to be really into that in high school, and you were always really good at it" she says, offering a beer to Karkat and taking one out for herself  
You shrug, "maybe, I don't know, what about you Kat?" you ask, popping open your beer   
"What about what?" he asks, doing the same  
"You ever think about going to school?" you ask  
Karkat shrugs, "I don't know, I guess I could be a psychologist but I was never that great at school, not like you" he says, looking at Jade, "I spent most of high school making sure Gamzee didn't fail out"    
She gives him a huge buck toothed smile and pops opens her beer, "I'm not that great, I didn't even study that much, mostly I just spent a lot of time in the lab"   
You and Karkat look at each other and roll your eyes, "yeah, we know, you're just smart as fuck"  
She giggles, "that too" and takes a long sip of her beer  
You do the same and make a face, pulling back to look closer at the beer can, "what kind of beer is this?"  
Jade grins, "it's cactus beer, Jake got it for me for my birthday"   
You and Karkat look at each other again and then back at your beers. He sniffs at it, takes a tentative sip and nods, "its good"  
You and Jade grin at him and she raises her can in the air, "cheers?"  
You and Karkat look at each other and then back at her before clanking your cans against hers, "cheers"

You get  the rest of the beer, all the weird 'healthy' snacks and put on Netflix movies in the living room.   
After four movies, a shit load of beer and a bunch of weirdly good whole foods snacks, Jade falls asleep leaving you alone with Karkat watching bad Netflix romcoms, his favorite

When the fourth movie ends you and Karkat sit together in the dark watching the credits roll on the screen with Jade passed out and snoring next to you. Bec is asleep on her other side, white fur all over pretty much everything.   
"You wanna go outside?" you ask, looking over at Karkat. You're drunk enough that he's kind of blurry and your stomach feels warm when you see him.  
He nods, setting down his beer. He didn't drink that much, mostly that was you and Jade when you played a drinking game version of monkey in the middle with Bec, "sure"  
  
You get up and he follows you out onto the small balcony. There's barely enough room for both of you with all the plants growing all over the place but you manage to find a spot to sit down among them.  
You watch Karkat where he sits across from you, face so close you can feel the warmth of him. He notices you staring and blushes, looking down.  
You smile, he's so cute, "dude, you're gettin all anime on my ass"  
He flips you off, "fuck you, Strider, it's not my fault you're giving me almost literal heart eyes right now while drunk off your ass"  
"I'm not _that_ drunk" you say, "and I'm giving you _literal_ heart eyes because you're cute, not because I'm drunk, although I am drunk, just for the record"   
He blushes again and looks down, "stop fucking around Dave"  
"I'm not" you say seriously, putting a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at you, big red eyes bright in the darkness, "you're fucking adorable"  
His red face goes even redder and he shrugs you off, "seriously Dave, its not funny"  
"But I'm really not" you say, leaning forward and trying to meet his eyes, "I like you, I really like you"  
He looks up at you, raising one eyebrow, "you're serious?"  
You nod, smiling and leaning closer to his face, "fuck yeah I am dude"  
Everything is still then as you sit there on that balcony surrounded by Jade's weird mutant plants, close enough to touch.  
You feel something warm against your hand and look down to see his small hand resting on yours.   
This time you feel yourself blush and look back up at him, meeting his big bright eyes.  
Then, without really thinking, because you really are drunk, you lean forward and press your lips to his.  
He's warm, and so soft, and he tastes like beer and those gluten free pretzels, but it's the best kiss you've ever had. The only other person you've ever kissed is Terezi and that was always a mess. Neither of you really knew what you were doing and there was a lot of spit and bumping of teeth. This is different though, this is easy, natural, nice.  
You pull apart and look at each other, his face is bright red and you feel that yours is hot as well  
You laugh, "dude, that was so gay"  
He rolls his eyes, "so gay" and kisses you again  
  
You don't know how long you sit there on that balcony, holding each other closely as you kiss, before the sound of your phone going off breaks you apart  
You pull back and feel around from your phone until you find it in the pocket of your sweatshirt.  
You look at the dim screen and see one new message.

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** started trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:54 pm  
**GC** : Dave  
**GC** : I need help  
**GC** : Meet at our place  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:54 pm

"What is it?" Karkat asks, leaning forward to peer at your phone screen  
"It's Terezi" you say, "we have to go"


	11. the space between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning  
> When you start to raise your head?  
> And does he sing to you incessantly  
> From the space between your bed and walls?  
> Does he walk around all day at school  
> With his feet inside your shoes?  
> Looking down every few steps  
> To pretend he walks with you"  
> -Bright Eyes- [The Calendar Hung Itself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tslUNDvrgGw)  
>    
> Terezi really wants to throw her phone down the tube slide at the park and Dave just wants his family to not stress him out for one god damn day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gas stations have always been safe places for me in bad times in my life. They may not look safe with those groups of local teenagers that think they're 'hood' hanging out in the parking lot smoking but they're a good place to go and eat ice cream in your car in the middle of the night when you have nowhere else to go. 
> 
> I'm leaving for the airport tomorrow morning and I still need to pack. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know the next time I will be able to upd8 after this chapter for the rest of the summer because I can only get wifi at this cafe down the street from where I live that sells the best espresso for like 2€ but I will be working on more chapters while I'm away.

**Dave**

  
Karkat looks at you, eyes wide in the dark and nods, “okay”  
He stands and offers his hand to you  
You take it and in your hand it’s warm and soft, it feels right. You want to keep kissing him but you can’t, you know that. Still, your whole body is still humming as he helps you up and you follow him inside.  
Karkat grabs his sweatshirt from the kitchen and you run over to where Jade lays asleep on the floor, sprawled out on a pile of pillows and blankets   
“Jade” you say, shaking her shoulder gently. She doesn’t move so you shake her again, more roughly this time, “Jade, yo Jade wake up”   
She makes a noise of annoyance and rolls over with her back to you   
You sigh because while that is adorable as fuck you don’t have time for this.  
You decide that the only way is how you and Rose used to wake up Roxy after passing out drunk.  
You take a breath, say a silent apology to Jade in your head, and put your lips right by her ear   
“Yo Jade!”  
She jolts awake, blinking rapidly and looking around. She feels around for her glasses and slips them on her curved nose.  
When her hazy green eyes land on you they narrow and her thick dark eyebrows lower  
“What the FUCK Dave” she says, hitting your shoulder   
“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t wake up” you say, pushing her hand away from you. The first hit hurt you are not about to get a second.   
She looks at you, “well what is it?”  
“We need to go” you say  
By this time Karkat has finished getting his sweatshirt and is now standing behind you by the door, tapping his foot nervously with his hands shoved in his pockets   
“What? but it’s like 12 in the morning” she says, confused  
You glance back at Karkat and then to Jade, “Terezi just messaged me, she needs help, we have to go get her”  
Jade looks confused but she nods, “okay, do you guys need any help?”   
You shake your head, “we’ll be fine, just get some sleep”  
She nods, “okay, be careful” she says  
You give her a quick smile and ruffle her thick black hair before straightening up and following Karkat out the door   
You take the steps two at a time going down and rush out of the shop and into the empty street, you struggling to keep up with Karkat’s fast pace  
It’s started to rain again  
In front of you Karkat walks quickly, steps heavy on the sidewalk, hands in little fists at his sides  
You want to take one of them and hold it, calm him down, tell him its going to be okay, but you can’t do that because honestly you dont know if its going to be okay, you dont know if anything is going to be okay  
So instead you take a breath and jog to catch up with him, “yo Kat wait up!”  
When you stop at his side he doesnt look up, he keeps his eyes focused on the sidewalk in front of him, dark eyebrows lowered in a hard stare   
“Where are we meeting her?” he asks, not looking at you  
“The gas station on Thought and Flow” you say, watching him carefully   
He nods and speeds up, taking a sharp right towards the intersection of the two streets and you follow  
He keeps up like that, you just barely behind him, until you reach the parking lot and see the glowing lights of the gas station through the rain. You and Terezi used to go here every day after school to get food and hang out, your shitty drawings are still all over the wall behind the dumpster. This has always been your place.  
He stops, giving you time to catch up as he looks around, scanning the nearly empty parking lot.  
“There” you say, pointing to a small shape standing in the shadows behind the building and then you take off jogging  
You hear him follow but you dont stop until Terezi comes into focus   
She looks so small against the looming dark shape of the gas station, hugging herself with her back pressed against the cold cement wall. She’s wearing one of your sweatshirts and you can see a small white backpack on her shoulders as she hunches against the rain.  
She looks up as you approach and your stomach jumps when you see her face   
There’s blood, and what looks like multiple bruises, but most of all her eyes are wide with something you’ve never really seen on her before   
Fear   
You stop in front of her just as Karkat comes up behind you, cursing under his breath  
She smiles at you and then glances at Karkat. They meet eyes and just stand there in a heavy silence for a second before Karkat crosses the few steps between them and pulls her into a tight hug, burrying his face in her shoulder   
She stiffens at first but after a moment she wraps her arms around him and hugs him back  
“I’m sorry” he says, voice muffled by her shoulder, “I’m so fucking sorry, I was so stupid”  
She lifts her head and pulls back to look at him, “I was the stupid one, you told me and I didn’t listen, this is what I get” she says, giving him a weak smile  
He looks suddenly angry “what the fuck do you mean this is what you get? This isn’t your fault, I shouldn’t have left, I should have-”  
“Karkat” she says, putting a hand on his arm, “its okay, I’m okay, they're just some bruises, I just want to get out of here”   
He opens his mouth like he wants to say something but closes it and nods, looking back at you, “where should we go?”  
“Dunno, we can always go back to Jade’s, or our place” you suggest, looking to Karkat who nods   
“I need to find Vriska” Terezi says  
You and Karkat look at each other and then back at her, “wanna stay the night with us at Jade’s and we can go to Vriska’s in the morning? John is over there tonight so they’re probably out.”  
She nods, “sounds good, but Jade better have something good to eat, I’m starving”  
  
You make it back to Jade’s before 1 o'clock and within ten minutes of getting into the dry apartment and stuffing your faces with left over mac and cheese in the fridge, Terezi has passed out on the ugly green couch above Jade  
You lay down next to Jade, gently taking some of her blanket to share but Karkat just stands there looking at Terezi in the darkness  
“Whats up?” you ask, pausing as you settle beside Jade  
He shakes his head, eyes still focused on Terezi’s sleeping face, “how the fuck could I leave her there, he could have really hurt her, he could have-”  
“Kat” you say  
He looks up at you in questioning  
“Calm down, Terezi made her own choices, you did what you could. All that matters now is shes safe, now will you stop stressing and get over here?”   
He glares at you and glances down at Terezi before walking around the couch to take a seat on Jade’s other side  
He carefully climbs under the blanket and you both settle on either side of Jade, just the sounds of slight movement and Jade’s steady breath to fill the silence   
Once you’re settled you immediately start to fall asleep, the room becomes blurry and your eyes start to close   
Vaguely, distantly, you feel warmth on your hand. Small chubby fingers wrap around yours and hold on and you smile as you hold back.

  
  
**Terezi**

  
It’s starting to get warmer out but it’s still raining   
You sit in your kitchen, or Vriska’s kitchen you guess, sipping at a mug of coffee and watching the rain fall outside the kitchen window   
It’s been almost a month since you ran and things haven’t changed much. Except the messages stopped coming.  
They started the morning after you left, when he must have woken up to realize you weren’t there.  
At first they were apologies, as usual. You read them but you didn’t answer.  
Then it was guilting, saying he needed you, that you needed him.  
When you didn’t respond to that, the messages turned into anger.  
He called you a useless bitch, he said you were a terrible person, he said you were nothing without him. When that didn't work he threatened, said he would hurt you, hurt Dave or Karkat or Vriska. He asked where you were, said he was coming for you, that you couldnt hide from him forever.  
You still didn’t reply  
Vriska told you not to read them and you said you didn’t but you did, you couldn’t help it. Every time a message came in you would sit there thinking about it until you felt so sick you threw up bile in the kitchen sink. You dont eat much anymore.  
You’ve been feeling better being away from Gamzee and around your other friends, the isolation had really gotten to you over those weeks, but at the same time you know you’re sicker than ever.  
You cant stop thinking about it, every message is like a punch to the stomach and again you throw up in the kitchen sink

  
On a particuarly bad day, when Vriska wasn’t home, he messaged you with the usual apologies and guilting  
You read the messages but you didnt answer, just laid there feeling sick to your stomach as your phone vibrated beside you on the bed   
Then of course the anger came, the cursing, the threats, and it would have been like any other time except for one thing  
He said he knew where you were, that he was coming to talk to you right now  
That sent fear through your whole body and suddenly you couldn’t move, you couldn’t think, everything was falling around you. You had sat there on the bed, shaking and reading the message over and over until Vriska came home and found you like that.  
She got you to tell her what had happened, she took your phone and went to lock all the doors and windows, and she came back into the room to sit with you  
“He’s not going to come here” she said, putting a skinny arm around you and pulling you close to her, “and if he does, I’ll kick his fucking ass”  
You had laughed shakily at that because as downright vicious as Vriska could be you knew he could beat her easily. You don’t know if she knew that though, and the thought just made you feel sicker.  
Still, you let yourself take some comfort in your sister sitting there beside you.  
You spent the rest of the day inside and just as she said he didn’t come, at least not that day.  
Later that week he did 

  
You were alone in the kitchen when there was a knock on the door, a familiar knock, one that only you and him knew. You used to use it to signal each other when you were kids, the familiar sound made you freeze in fear.  
When you didn’t answer, frozen standing at the kitchen counter, he began to walk around outside the small house  
You had ducked down, pressing your back against the cabinets as you watched his figure slowly walk around through the window over the sink  
He called your name, banging on the window and then the door again   
You ended up curled up on the dirty kitchen floor, holding your hands over your ears to try to block out the sound.  
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Vriska had asked from the living room but you hadn’t heard her until she came into the kitchen   
She had stopped short at the sight of you on the floor and stared, looking between you and the door which was shaking on it hinges.  
Anger crossed her sharp face and she went to the door.  
“Fuck off Makara!” she yelled, banging on the door and double checking that it was locked   
He had yelled something you hadn’t heard and she had threatened to call the cops. He stopped banging after that.  
She dropped down in front of you and pulled you into a hug, smoothing your hair and talking quietly to you  
You only realized then that you were shaking violently  
You spent the rest of the day playing Mario Kart in the living room and she never left your side, not once and for the first time in a long time you almost felt safe

  
Now, a week later you sit alone in the kitchen sipping your coffee and watching the rain   
A sound breaks you from your thoughts and you look over to see your phone lighting up on the cheap scratched up plastic surface of the kitchen table  
Your stomach twists, as it always does when your phone goes off, and you take a deep breath before answering it  
When you pick the phone up you see that its just Dave and your stomach starts to settle, you really need to calm down.  
It’s been almost a week since Gamzee has contacted you. After Vriska threatened to call the cops he messaged you, taunting that Vriska had to protect you.  
You had been with Vriska at the time and you had gotten up the confidence to respond  
You told him to leave you alone, you told him not to contact you or Vriska or Karkat or Dave and not to come around again.  
He hasn’t messaged you since but you still feel this distant sickness not knowing what’s going on with him  
That’s why when he does message you, you read it

  
**terminallyCapricious [TC]** started trolling **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 8:35 pm  
**TC** : hey baby girl  
**TC** : look I know you ain’t wantin to be seein me right now  
**TC** : I don’t blame ya  
**TC** : but  
**TC** : I just wanna talk  
**TC** : please Terezi

  
You sit there on your bed, Vriska isn’t home, you’re alone, and you’re not strong enough for this. You take a deep breath and type back

  
**GC** : okay  
**GC** : we can talk  
**TC** : you’re for real girl?  
**GC** : yeah I…  
**GC** : I don’t want to but I will  
**GC** : I think I need to  
**TC** : that’s fuckin great baby girl  
**TC** : meet at the gas station by my place?  
**GC** : yeah  
**GC** : 9:00?  
**TC** : 9:00 :o)  
**terminallyCapricious [TC]** ceased trolling **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 8:37pm

  
You take a deep shaking breath and lock your phone, sliding off the bed and standing on shaky legs  
You grab a sweatshirt from the floor and pull it on over your shirt, zipping it up as high as it will go. You slip on your shoes, shove your phone and keys in your pocket, and head outside into the darkness  
It’s still raining as you hop down the stoop and onto the sidewalk. You pull your hood up over your messy hair and shove your hands in your pocket as you head towards the gas station  
Maybe this isn’t the right thing to do, it doesn’t feel right, but then again nothing ever seems to feel right anymore

  
  
**Dave**

  
“So what did your bro say about you leaving?” you ask, shifting the grocery bags in your hands as you walk down the empty sidewalk towards Roxy and Jane’s apartment   
Calliope gives you a small smile and tries to shrug which proves difficult with all the grocery bags shes carrying, “he said, ‘thank fucking god I don't have to share a room with my bitch sister anymore" she says, imitating her twin brother, its pretty accurate in your opinion  
“So you got all your stuff?” you ask   
She nods, “yes, he threw a few of his fits but Dirk took care of that while Roxy Jake and I got everything”  
“Thats good, so everythings chill now then?”  
She nods again, “yes, everything is 'chill’  
"Sweet”  
You settle back into a comfortable silence, listening to the rustling of the bags and the rain hitting the pavement as you rush towards the building  
Beside you Calliope suddenly stops, dropping her grocery bags on the cement and looking down the sidewalk  
Her face breaks into a huge smile, “Gamzee!”  
At the name you immediately look up and sure enough there he is, Gamzee motherfucking Makara just leaning against the wall outside some bar smoking a cigarette and looking like he needs to take a shower a little more than usual  
It takes him a second but when he looks up to see the source of the voice his scarred face breaks into a smoke stained smile “heeeey Callie!”  
He pushes himself up off the wall and lifts her up easily as she runs to hug him  
You tense when he lifts her into a hug because she’s so small and you’ve seen what he can do but there’s no fear on her part and no menace on his, just a hug  
“Damn girl you got big” he says, setting her carefully back down on the sidewalk   
“So did you!” Calliope says, smiling up at him and then turning to you, “Oh I’m sorry Dave, this is Gamzee” she says. She looks to Gamzee again, “Gamzee this is Dave”  
“I’ve already up an made the miraculous aquaintance of Mr. Strider here” Gamzee says, looking at you with that same warm smile on his face but cold eyes  
“How do you know Callie?” You ask, not taking your eyes from his  
“I could ask you the same thing”  
“She’s a friend of my sisters” you say, narrowing your eyes behind your shades   
“Gamzee took care of me and Caliborn when we were really little. Our father didn't want to deal with us, because of the whole conjoined twins thing, and Gamzee helped us” Calliope says   
“Really?” you say, raising your eyebrows  
“Well mostly he just shared food with us and told us stories and stuff” she says  
Gamzee nods, “yup, the little dudes lived right next door to us, their daddy had a place for em and it was me an Kurloz’s job to check up on em when the old goat wasn’t around”  
“The old goat?” You ask  
“Gamzees dad” Calliope offers helpfully  
“So whatcha been up to, ain’t seen ya around in a while?” He asks her  
“I’m in high school now, I’m about to graduate early actually” Calliope says proudly  
Gamzee grins and ruffles her white hair, “that’s my girl, how’s Cal?”   
Calliope looks at the ground and suddenly she’s very quiet  
“I don’t really know”  
“How?, boys ya twin”  
She bites her lip, “I haven’t really seen him in a while I’m…kind of not living with him anymore”  
Gamzee frowns, “well why not?”  
“He can be quite...mean, you remember”  
Mean, thats what she calls it.  
You call it seeing her covered in cuts and bruises since the day her and her brother came to your school  
You knew those kinds of cuts and bruises all too well, and you knew they weren't from playing. That sadness in her wide green eyes told you. You had it too, so did Dirk, hidden behind the dark glass of your shades.  
“Yeah, I remember. Little fucker bit me. Well I hope the little dudes doing okay” Gamzee says  
Calliope frowns, “yeah I’m sure he’s fine, he always is”  
“So what are you doing here?” You ask Gamzee  
His eyes narrow very slightly and he smiles in a way that makes you feel kind of sick  
“Not much” he says, taking a puff of the cigarette still in his hand and blowing the smoke up into the rainy air, “just meetin my girl”  
Your stomach twists and you bite the inside of your lip, “you mean Terezi?”  
He nods, taking another drag and blowing it up into the air, “that’s her”  
“You don’t know where she is” you say, trying to ignore the fear for her that’s already making you sick to your stomach  
He shrugs, “maybe not, you got her?”  
You shake your head, “no and you’re more fucked in the head then I thought if you think I’m tellin you where she is”  
He shrugs again, “don’t matter, she knows where I’ll be”  
“You need to leave her alone” you say seriously  
He smiles lazily at you, “you need to mind your own business”  
You curl your hands into fists and open your mouth to say something, probably something full of curse words, back at him when a sharp, annoying sound cuts through the rainy air  
You and Gamzee both look over to where Calliope is fumbling around in her little bag  
“Sorry, that’s my phone” she says, taking it from her bag and pressing it to her ear, “Hello?”  
“Yes we got the groceries we are just down the street”  
“Yes he is”  
She stops, glancing at you as the person on the other end talks quickly  
“Yes, we’ll be right there”  
She hangs up the phone and drops it back in her bag, “that was Roxy” she says, “she needs to talk to you”  
You nod and glance at Gamzee, “okay”  
“Bye Gamzee” Calliope says, “it was good to see you”  
He smiles widely and opens his arms, “aw girl you too, see ya soon okay, and say yo to your bro for me if you do get to seein him”  
She nods and accepts the hug before grabbing the grocery bags from the sidewalk and lifting them up  
You and Gamzee look at each other as Calliope starts to walk away  
“Stay away from her” you say, and for the first time in your life you hope someone can see through your shades because you want him to see the look in your eyes  
He smiles, takes the last drag of his cigarette, leans down and blows the smoke in your face, “I can’t be promisin that shit brother, ain’t never know what’s gonna happen”  
You keep a straight face but your eyes are still on him as you make yourself turn away and walk down the sidewalk after Calliope  
When you catch up to her she doesn’t ask what that more than tense conversation was about, just says, “so you and Gamzee know each other?”  
“Yeah” you say “we know each other”  
When you reach the apartment building you climb the stairs with the groceries and head down the hall to Roxy and Jane’s apartment  
“Yo Roxy we’re back” you say as you push through the door with the bags of groceries on your arm  
Inside Roxy is standing in the kitchen texting on her pink bedazzled phone  
She looks up when you come in and her face breaks into a smile. By the pink sequined club dress, the matching pink sparkly pumps and the thick makeup, you guess that she’s going out, or was about to anyway  
“Hey guys, you got the goods?” She asks, setting down her phone and padding over to help with the groceries  
“Yup, got em all right here” you say, dropping your ridiculous load of groceries on the carpeted floor  
She grins, “that’s my Davey”

After the groceries are put away Callie goes to her room and Roxy drops down on the couch, groaning loudly and running a hand through her pale blonde hair  
“I got somethin to tell you Davey” she says  
“What’s up?” You ask, taking a seat beside her  
She shakes her head and swings forward to rest her elbows on her bare knees  
She looks at you then, her face more serious than you’ve ever seen it, “moms in the hospital”

  
**Terezi**

  
It’s almost dark as you walk quickly to the gas station  
The rain has stopped and as you near the lights of the gas station you see a figure standing in the same spot you met Dave and Karkat a month ago when you ran  
Now you’re going right back  
No, you think, no you’re not going back. You’re just here to talk, that’s it  
As you approach the figure looks up and smiles at you. That same, smoke stained smile that warps the scars on his face in a way that makes you cringe  
“Hey baby girl” he says as you come to stand in front of him  
“Hey Gamz” you say, not looking at him, “it’s been a while”


	12. you are your mothers child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Broken bones heal if you set them right  
> Get your fine tooth comb from the barbicide  
> Our love's a protective poison  
> But you are your mother's child  
> And she'll keep you for a while  
> One day you'll be grown, then you'll be on your own"  
> -Connor Oberst- You Are Your Mothers Child  
>    
> Dave meets his mom. That's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my second week here. I get paid to cook and clean and take care of three kids and it's pretty nice.  
> I don't really feel good but I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for a long time. Anyone that knows me knows how much I love the Strilalondes.  
> This chapter also marks that all characters who will have a point of view in the story have so from now on no new points of view will be coming in. Just Dave, Terezi, Gamzee, Karkat, Vriska, John and Rose.

**Rose**

You wake up early in the night with your cheek pressed to the pages of the book you were reading. It's an old occult tome, generously loned to you by Aradia, and is proving to be an intriguing read. Beside you in bed your phone hums incessantly.

You groan and dig under your pillow until you feel your phone with your fingers. You pick up the phone without checking the caller and hold it up to your ear. "Hello?"

"Rosie!"

"Roxy" you say, rubbing your eyes and pushing yourself up in bed, careful not to disturb Kanaya who is sleeping beside you. 

"Rosie Rosie Rosie guess what?"

"Yes Roxy?" you ask, smiling to yourself 

"We're gonna go see Mom" she says

You take a breath and push the comforter off of your bare legs, swinging them over the side of the bed and walking over to the window where rain is falling, "really?"

"Yeah, I just talked to her. Mr. Egbert is at a business convention for the week so we're gonna go up and visit her"

"Okay, are Dirk and Dave coming?" you ask 

"Yeah, Dave is coming, Dirk is gonna stay to do some commission job"

"And may I ask why we're going to visit her?" you ask, already knowing the answer 

There's silence on the other side for a second before Roxy speaks again, "she isn't doing too good, she's in the hospital again"

Your stomach sinks a little. You knew of course, your mom has been sick for a while now, sorosis of the liver, but it always seemed so distant. Now with her actually being in the hospital again and you going to visit her there it seems a closer than is comfortable to think about.

"Can they do a liver transplant?" You ask

"She's on the list but it's a long list, Rosie, she doesn't think-she said she wants to see us-"

"Stop" you say, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes, "I understand. I'll be over in an hour and we'll leave from there, where is Dave?"

"Dave's already with me"

You nod, "okay, I'll be right over"

You grab your wallet and keys and drop them on your black bag, pulling on a cardigan and grabbing everything you need to stay the night. It's been a while since you've visited your mom, the last time was when you were still in high school and she was just diagnosed with sorosis of the liver. The only other time was a few years before when her and Mr. Egbert, John and Jade's dad, got married

Dave wasn't with you any of the times you saw her. Bro never really communicated with her so the last time she saw Dave was when you were both just babies, he probably doesn't even remember her.

Dirk knew her more, having grown up staying at her house many nights when Bro would go out to do whatever it is he did. That was before you and Dave were born, so him and Roxy were only three, but he says he remembers her.

You lock the apartment door behind you and hurry down the steps and outside onto the sidewalk

You hold your bag close to your body and hurry down the street, taking cover under the awnings of shops along the street on your way to Roxy's.

When you reach her building and find her apartment you knock on the door and wait patiently for someone to answer.

You hear voices on the other side of the door and some discussion before the door opens to Dave with Roxy standing right behind him, smiling widely.

"Ya ready Rosie?"

You smile easily and nod, patting your bag, "I am, and you?" You ask, glancing over at Dave who seems to only have the clothes he's wearing and the stupid pair of shades John have him for his thirteenth birthday with him.

"Davey didn't know we were going on a trip, he was over helping Callie with grocery shopping when I got the call from mom and I thought it would be fun if we all went together" Roxy says

"I don't need anything, just my hoodie and my shades" Dave says, giving you his version of a grin which is more like just a slight tug at one side of his full lips

"I just gotta grab my bag and we can go, I checked the schedule and there's a train to the city at 10:30" Roxy says, turning and running back into the apartment as Dave steps out to join you in the hallway

She appears a moment later with a pink bag over her shoulder, "ready to go?" She asks as she steps out into the hallway and closes the apartment door behind her

You and Dave look at each other and then back at her, nodding

Your walk to the train station is full of conversation, mostly about the new writing you're working on. Roxy talks about work at the diner, telling stories about the customers that come in high and drunk in the middle of the night. Dave even talks about his new mix which he wants to put up on bandcamp under the name Ben Skriller.

By the time you reach the train station the rain has become heavier and the light behind the buildings of the city has gone leaving you wholly and entirely in the darkness of the coming storm.

As you stand under the cover of the train station listening to the distant sound of the rain you look up at the storm clouds gathering in the sky. Their presence gives you an uneasy feeling.

When the train finally pulls into the station it's nearly empty and the three of you pile inside

It's a long ride. Roxy talks most of the way and falls asleep against Dave, snoring loudly just as the sun rises over the city.

In the silence between Roxy's snoring you ask Dave, watching him closely, if he's excited

He shakes his head no, hugging himself and hunching down as if to hide in his hoodie

"She knows you're a boy, Dave, if that's what you're worried about" you say

He shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders to his ears, "last time she saw me I was a- I mean I wasn't but I looked like-she thought I was-"

"You're a boy, Dave, she knows that" you say, gently placing a hand on his shoulder

He chews on his lip and shrugs again, keeping his eyes on the ground, "maybe"

When you get off the train Roxy grabs your hands and you run to the subway station, feet sounding as they hit the slippery concrete steps. It's stopped raining as you duck into the subway station and push through the people, coming to stand on the dirty platform.

Around you people talk loudly, shifting backpacks on their shoulders and coffee cups in their hands. A boy who reminded you very much of John stands with his hand in the pocket of his hoodie, nodding his head to the beat of whatever music plays from the earphones in his ears, and takes a huge bite of a colorful looking donut. He even has the buck teeth. Over against the wall where out of date advertisements for local companies and public service announcements hang behind thick clouded plastic, a man sits with a large box and a sign written in sharpie on the back of what looks to be an old poster

"Baby birds, $5" Dave reads. He turns to you with a smile on his face

You shake your head, knowing already what he's thinking. Maybe it's that you are twins or maybe it's just that you know your brother you think better than you know even yourself, "Dave you are not buying a bird from some guy in the subway"

He pouts his plump lips, so much like yours and Roxy's, "but they're only five dollars" he says, voice bordering on a whine

"No Dave"

He groans, sagging his shoulders dramatically, "you suck"

You laugh as you turn from the bird man to walk over to the edge of the platform, "that I do"

After checking the board on the wall you board the next train that pulls into the station.

Inside there aren't many people so you are all able to find seats next to each other without having to stand.

It's a silent ride this time as you are all awake and yet still in some sort of strange dream, like none of this is real.

You get off when the train stops at the hospital and climb up from the underground of the subway station, emerging into the city.

The sun shines behind pale clouds, it's unusually nice for this city at this time of year. You think that maybe it means this is a good thing, what you are doing, but then again you never were one to take that stuff seriously.

Roxy tells you about a particularly difficult customer that came into the diner drunk the week before as you walk to the hospital, talking loudly and gesturing with her hands, a smile always on her face.

"And then the dude looked at the grilled cheese, looked at me and Jake, and threw it through the order window into the kitchen. It hit the wall right between Dirk and Jane and that's when I got piiissseeed, I told that dude he had better get the hell out before I kick his ass and he was outta there faster than I could even finish yellin at him" she says, laughing loudly

Dave laughs, patting her on the shoulder, "that's my sister"

Roxy grins and hooks an arm around his neck, pulling him against her, "aw baby brooo, I love you too"

When you reach the hospital you enter the waiting room through the double sliding doors and approach the counter.

"We're here to see Ms. Lalonde" you say

The woman behind the desk nods and scrolls down the list on the screen of her computer

"It may also be under Egbert" you offer

She continues scrolling, quirking her lip to the side and then lights up, turning to you, "here it is, Ms. Roxy Lalonde?"

You nod, "that's her"

"And who is it that's visiting?" The woman asks, looking between the three of you

"We're he kids" Roxy says, smiling widely at the woman

The woman looks at you, apparently seeing the resemblance and nods, "okay, she's in room 124, I'll let the doctors know you're coming"

You smile, "thank you very much"

You head through the heavy double doors and into the hospital lit with fluorescent lights that hum incessantly as you walk passed doctors and nurses wheeling patients down the hallway.

You stop at room 124 and stand outside, looking in. Inside on the hospital bed surrounded by flowers is a skinny woman with pale blonde hair and brown skin.

It's Roxy who enters the room first and then you followed by Dave who seems to almost hide behind you.

The woman in the bed, your mother, looks up when you step into the room and immediately smiles.

Even in the hospital she wears makeup. Her lips are painted a dark pink and her eyes, the same as Roxy's, are lined with black

"My girls!" She says, sitting up in bed and holding out her arms. They look thinner than the last time you saw her as does her whole body, or what you can see if it anyway.

Roxy is the first to go to her, yelling "mom!" and running to hug her. They sit like that for a minute, holding and laughing against each other.

You step in next and kiss her cheek, saying "hello mom" and giving her a soft smile

She smiles up at you, her pink eyes bright but tired, and pets your hair, "oh my Rosie I've missed you"

You smile and put your hand on hers, "I missed you too mom"

You've always had a complicated relationship with your mother, you wouldn't say that you've been the best daughter to her, and she always had a drinking problem when you were growing up, but she was a good mother and seeing her now you're struck with just how much you really have missed her.

She smiles up at you and then stills, her eyes widening as she looks passed you at the door. Her full lips part and for a second, just a second, you're still too because you know she must have seen him there, standing in the door.

You glance back at Dave and make eye contact with him behind his shades, trying to reassure him as he stands there in the doorway of that hospital room looking very much like he wants to disappear.

"My boy" she says, biting her lips as her eyes fill with tears though they don't move, they stay locked on Dave, who still stands in the door with his hands shoved in the pockets of his red hoodie looking anywhere but at her.

Slowly she opens her arms and blinks back tears as she looks at him, a smile growing on her face, "my baby boy"

Slowly, tentatively, Dave shuffles over to the bed, eyes on the floor.

He stops at the edge of the bed, standing close to you and you can almost feel his nervousness.

"Hey mom" he says, voice small the way it always gets when he's uncomfortable.

She opens her arms and slowly he leans in and allows her to hug him. She hugs him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder and it takes a second but he hugs her back.

Your mother pulls back from the hug and you see that tears have started to drop down her face making wet paths on the dark skin of her sunken cheeks. She smiles and then laughs, eyes unmoving from him.

"You got so big" she says, reaching up to put a hand to his face

For a second you're afraid he will pull away but he doesn't, he lets her place her hand, dark against his pale skin, on his cheek.

He smiles slightly, "yeah, it's been a while"

She shakes her head, wiping at her eyes with her other hand as she strokes his pale hair, running her fingers through it as she looks at him, "a while too long"

She takes her hand from his face and uses the sheet to wipe her eyes, smudging black on it and laughing. "I just can't believe how big you got"

Dave's smile widens and he looks down.

"Davey's a big boy now but he's still my little bro" Roxy says, reaching across the bed to ruffle his pale hair.

"Sit sit" your mother says, gesturing to the chairs in the corner of the room

You grab a chair for yourself and Dave slides one over to Roxy before pulling one up beside yours

"So" your mom says, looking between the three of you, "how is Dirk?"

"He's good, still overbearing" Roxy says

"That's an understatement" Dave grumbles

"He's sorry he couldn't come, he had to stay to finish a freelance project that's due at the end of the week" Roxy says

Your mother smiles, "ah so he's still into building things"

Roxy nods, "yup, he does freelance robotics work on the side of running the diner with me an Jake an Janey"

"That's just like Dirk. I haven't seen that boy since he was three and he's still the same" your mother says

Roxy laughs, "yeah, he is, remember when he used to come over and we would watch those soap operas, he was always so into them"

"That he was, a little romantic that boy" she says, "is he still with Jake?"

Roxy nods, "yup, they've been together for about three years now"

"That's great, I'm happy for him, so" she turns to you and Dave, "tell me"

"Tell you what?" Dave ventures

She smiles, her pink eyes brightening, "everything"

You leave the hospital later that night. The walk to the subway station is nice, the air is unusually warm and you can really feel summer coming on now. You walk like that, side by side with your sister and your twin brother, comfortable in the sound of Roxy's voice as she talks over the cars driving passed and people yelling from across the street. The whole walk Dave is silent, eyes on the dirty concrete of the sidewalk.

When you get off the subway you move to walk in the direction of the train station but are stopped by a hand on your wrist

You look back to see Roxy smiling at you, tugging lightly at your wrist, "come on"

"May I ask where we are going?" You ask, a smile in your voice

"John told me about a diner he and his dad used to go to when they lived here and I'm hungry" she says

"I see, and I'm assuming Dave is okay with this?" You ask, looking back at your brother

He nods, "I'm always up for shitty diner food"

The diner is a little hole in the wall off a small street just a few blocks from the train station and the three of you duck inside just as it starts to rain again.

Inside its empty but for a table of teenagers sitting in the back corner. There are few certainties in life but one of them is that they are drunk.

You take a seat in a booth against the wall and thank the waitress as she gives you your menus

You read over the selection in silence, all of you hungry from having not eaten all day. The waitress comes back to take your orders and you're left waiting, listening to Roxy talk on.

You notice, distantly, that the jukebox in the corner is playing 'What's New Pussycat'

You watch Roxy and Dave as they sit across from you. Roxy is on the phone with someone, probably Jane, and Dave sits still, looking down at the laminated plastic menu the waitress forgot to take from him. All he ordered was a strawberry milkshake.

You realize then that he hasn't said anything since you left the hospital, not even in response to Roxy's story about the guy who straight up pulled down his pants and peed on the table at the diner.

He looks up then, catching you watching him

"What?" He asks, almost defensively

You shrug and take a sip of your coffee which you have yet to touch, "nothing, just wondering why you're so quiet"

"I can be quiet" he says

You laugh, "says the boy who never stops talking"

You expect him to answer you with something like 'well I can't help that I have a lot of cool shit to say' but instead he stays quiet, looking down at the table again

After a few minutes of you watching him he looks up at you again, this time clearly agitated, "seriously Rose, what?"

"I didn't say anything" you say, smiling

"You've been starin at me for like five fuckin minutes, it's freakin me out" he says

You shrug and take another sip of coffee, "what, I can't look at you?"

"Not if you're gonna be a weirdo about it, no" he says

You take a deep breath and set your coffee down on the table, "I'm watching you because you're acting weird"

"No I'm not" he says

"Yes, Dave, you are, and I with my ever curious mind would like to know why" you say

He groans, "why do you always gotta know shit, I'm just thinkin you know"

"About what?"

"Dammit Rose"

You laugh, "well?"

He groans again and takes a lifts his mug of coffee to his lips. When he sets the mug back down he looks at you, "I'm just...I don't know what to think about mom, okay?"

"What do you mean?" You ask, picking up your coffee cup with both hands and leaning your elbows on the scratched up table top

He shrugs, "I dunno, it's stupid"

"I can assure you it is most likely not stupid, Dave, menial maybe, but not stupid"

He shrugs again, "I just never knew her is all. So meeting her now is just kinda..."

"Weird?" You finish

He nods, "yeah, I mean I always liked the idea, you know, of having a mom. Instead of some hyper masculine puppet fucker of a male guardian. And it turns out, by a biological miracle known as basic fucking logic, I do have a mom, I just, never got to know her and now...well now she's sick and I don't know if I'm ever going to get to have the relationship I wanted to with her"

You nod, "I think I can understand that"

"But you got to know her, she raised you. I was raised, if you can call it that, by Bro, who sucked ass" he says

"So now you feel like you don't have anyone?" You ask

He shrugs again, "I mean no, I know I have you and Roxy and even Dirk I just...I don't know"

"You want to know your mom, Dave, it's not that unusual" you say

He nods, "yeah, I guess I do. Problem is she's got a short time on a not so short list to get a liver transplant and well, you know"

You nod, "yeah, I know"

He looks down at the table, picking at the edge of the menu with his fingers

You're struck then, looking at him, with a sudden urge to hug him, to let him know you're there.

You settle for reaching across the table and taking his hand, the one picking at the menu, in yours.

He looks up at you and you smile at him, squeezing his hand. He gives you a small smile in return and opens his mouth to say something when the waitress arrives with the food.

She sets a large pink milkshake in front of Dave, a plate of pancakes in front of Roxy and eggs and hash browns in front of you.

"Hell yeah" Roxy says, picking up her fork, "let's do this"

Later, on the train, you sit side by side, you and Dave.

He has his earphones in and his eyes closed but you know he's not sleeping. Carefully you reach over and pluck one of the earphones from his ear, putting it in your own. He opens his eyes and glances over at you but doesn't say anything, just settles back in his seat. You close your eyes and listen to the song that plays, recognizing the voice from Bright Eyes.

 

 _"I remember the day you appeared on this earth_  
_With eyes like the ocean, got blood on my shirt_  
_From my camera angle it looked like it hurt_  
_But your mama had a big old smile_  
_We drove you home, saw your yellowing skin_  
_Packed a few things and drove you back again_  
_Stayed up all night worrying, wondering_  
_What was gonna make it better_  
_Broken bones heal when you set them right_  
_Get your fine tooth comb from the barbicide_  
_Our love's a protective poison_  
_But you are your mother's child_  
_But she'll keep you for a while_  
_One someday you'll be grown and then you'll be on your own_  
_Halloween costume, looking real cute_  
_With your pillowcase full, in your astronaut suit_  
_But your cousin the cowboy is eyeing your loot_  
_Better watch your Snickers bar_  
_Out on the diamond, now you're up to bat_  
_Chewing your big league, adjusting your hat_  
_Taking a swing and hearing it crack_  
_Look at that apple fly_  
_Tears will dry if you give them time_  
_Life's a roller coaster, keep your arms inside_  
_Fear that's a big emotion_  
_But you are your mother's child_  
_And she'll keep you for a while_  
_But some day you'll be grown and then you'll be on your own_  
_Posing for pictures, cap and a gown_  
_Summer is coming, you're driving around town_  
_Everyone's asking what you're gonna do now_  
_I know you're gonna make a splash_  
_And find you a sweetheart to treat you so kind_  
_Take her to dinner and kiss her goodnight_  
_What I couldn't teach you, you will realize_  
_She's the only thing that matters_  
_Although he's a bastard, make your papa proud_  
_Your a fine young man and I got no doubt_  
_That you're gonna do this better_  
_'Cause you are your mother's child_  
_She had you for a while_  
_Now that you're grown, may you never be on your own_  
_Now that you're grown, may you never feel this alone"_


	13. as the sun grows high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are coming home, are you still alone, are you not the same as you used to be?  
> As the sun grows high and you serve your time, does each day just feel like another lie?"  
> -Beach House- [Used To Be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihAwsK0nKpI)  
>    
> Vriska is a bitch but we already knew that. Terezi apparently didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't feel good but I wanted to post this before I went back to sleep.  
> This will probably be the last chapter I post while I'm here since I won't have wifi until I get home in about a week and a half  
> 

**Vriska**

  
You open your eyes, blinking blearily against the light shining in from your bedroom window and groan, rolling over to press your face into your pillow  
You are way too hung over to be awake right now  
After laying with your face buried in your pillow you get tired of smelling your own bad breath and get up, stretching in the early morning light  
The mattress on the other side of the room is empty, red sheets bunched up at the bottom, so you assume Terezi must be up  
You walk to the bathroom, feet sticking to the linoleum floor as you pass through the kitchen and into the bathroom  
It's getting hotter out, summer is really coming and you find yourself equally looking forward to and dreading it  
Summers in this city are hot, the air is thick with humidity and at the worst of it it gets hard to breath  
You think about all the summers you spent as a kid laying on the living room floor with Terezi while Latula and Mituna played video games and you waited to have a turn as you pull off your shorts and tank top, kicking your panties into the corner and turning on the shower full blast  
After a cold shower you dry off and walk back to your room, dripping water on the floor as you go. You don't bother wiping it up.  
Once you're back in you're room you get changed, not bothering to shut the door. Terezi's the only one here and she's seen everything.  
When you're changed you walk out into the kitchen, your head still pounding but not as much, to get something to eat  
You settle for a bowl of fruit loops that you think have probably gone stale since they're sitting out on the counter. You have a vague memory of getting them down from the cabinet last night after coming home from a show.  
John had gone home, having work early in the morning, so you had slept alone, passed out drunk and probably drooling on your Spiderman sheets. You're surprised you made it to your bed, really.  
When you look inside the box you see that it's mostly crumbs and what looks like a cigarette butt.  
You bite your lip, you must have eaten it last night.  
Terezi is gonna be pissed.  
You'll have to go to the grocery store down the street to get some more. You think they're having a bulk sale on sugary cereals because you remember John making a comment about it last time you were in there.  
You turn the box upside down and dump the remaining contents into a faded Scooby Doo bowl you pull out of the sink.  
Most of what comes out is crumbs and that powdery sugar that collects at the bottom of the bag but you don't really care that much. Picking the cigarette but out of the bowl you toss it in the sink and walk over to get some milk out of the fridge.  
All you have is soy milk, which you hate, but you had sent John to the store to buy groceries last week and that's what he got so really you have no one to blame but yourself, not that that knowledge will stop you from blaming John anyways  
You groan and grab the carton from the fridge, hitting the door shut with your bony hip.  
You pour the soy milk over your mountain of sugar and probably more ash then you would like to admit to yourself and leave it open on the counter, grabbing a spoon from the drawer and going to sit on the couch.  
"Morning" Terezi says, looking up at you from the chair  
She's on her laptop, probably reading Criminal Minds fanfiction, and is sucking on one of those cherry lollipops you can get in a bag at the convenience store for like a dollar.  
You respond with an obnoxious groan as you plop down on the couch with your bowl of cereal in your lap.  
Your head still doesn't feel the greatest, which you guess is what happens when you drink blueberry Svedka straight out of the bottle, but it feels better than when you woke up  
You grab the remote and turn on the tv, looking through channels as you spoon sugary cereal into your mouth and dribble it on your shirt, which you think is actually John's.  
You stop on MTV, where there is a marathon of Cribs playing, and settle back against the couch to eat your cereal  
After you finish your cereal you leave the bowl on the floor beside the couch and stretch out, yawning obnoxiously  
Terezi looks at you from over her laptop and raises her eyebrows, "you're the worst, you know that?"  
You grin and strike a pose, "you know you love me"  
She rolls her sightless eyes and grins, "I know no such thing"  
You throw a pillow at her

You sit like that, just enjoying the background noise of the tv and the easy warmth of the morning light when you hear Terezi's phone vibrate where it sits on the arm of the chair.  
You look up from the tv to see her leaning over to look at it.  
It's probably Dave  
You take one look at her face and you know it's not Dave.  
She picks it up and sits back, holding it closer to her face.  
She bites her lip as she reads and looks over at you, meeting your eyes in that unnerving way she does  
"What?" She asks, shoving her phone into the cushion of the chair  
"It's him, isn't it" you say  
She shakes her head but she never could lie to you, just like you could never lie to her. It's just the way it is with you.  
She looks away and bites her lip, "we're just talking"  
"Wait" you say, sitting up and leaning to look at her, "what do you mean you're talking?"  
She chews on her lip  
"Terezi" you say, feeling your stomach grow sick with something like anger, however misplaced it may be.  
She still doesn't look at you  
"Terezi" you say again, "look at me"  
She finally looks up and and she looks almost scared. You would feel bad but you're too angry for that right now.  
"What the fuck do you mean you're talking to him?" you ask again  
She shrugs, "we're just talking, Vriska, it's not a big deal"  
"Uh, yeah it fucking is, you shouldn't be talking to him, you said you were done with him" you say  
"He's not that bad Vriska..."  
"What do you mean he's 'not that bad'?" You ask, mocking her nasally voice, "look what he did to you!" You yell, gesturing to the bruises still fading on her face  
She shrinks in on herself and touches her hand to her face, "it's not that bad"  
"Uh, yeah it fucking is bad! He fucking beats you, Terezi, why don't you care? Do you not care about yourself at all!?" You yell  
She looks down and you give her a hard look, "Terezi do not fucking tell me you're letting him do this to you because you hate yourself or something"  
She doesn't say anything  
"Terezi that is seriously the stupidest shit I've ever heard" you say  
"It's not just that" she says quietly, still not looking at you  
"Then what else is it? Is it because you loooooooove him? Give me a fucking break, Pyrope" you say, shaking your head, you can't even look at her.  
"No I just, I don't KNOW okay!" She yells, balling her small hands into fists.  
"How can you not know!?" You yell, "you're telling me it's not that bad but I see it, I see YOU and I know that it sure as fuck is bad! What, are you too proud to admit you got yourself in a fucking mess!?"  
"Leave me alone" She says through her teeth, looking away from you  
"No! I'm not leaving you alone! You need to fucking face this! He's hurting you Terezi and you're fucking letting him! What kind of scourge sister are you, are you really that pathetic that you would let an asshole like him beat you up and then go right back to him!?"  
"I said leave me alone!" She screams, finally looking up at you  
You stop, more out of shock than anything else, and watch her  
She's shaking, her hands in fists as she looks down at the dirty carpet at your feet  
Finally she looks up at you again, "I guess I am that pathetic"  
She gets up from the chair, leaving her laptop on the floor and walking into your room  
She shuts the door hard leaving you sitting there in the heavy silence after, wondering what the fuck you just did

 

**Terezi**

  
You slam the bedroom door shut behind you and press your back against it, letting yourself slide to the floor  
You're shaking and you can't seem to stop. But it isn't like it normally is.  
You're not worried  
You're angry  
Vriska's opinion means everything to you even though you would never admit it and to hear her say those things, those things you always think yourself, it makes you feel like taking that stupid fucking anime knife to your arms for the first time in a week  
No, no you can't do that, not right now. Fuck her. Fuck if she's right. You're getting the hell out of here  
You stand, locking the door behind you as you grab your bag from the base of your mattress and start shoving things inside  
Some part of you tries to tell you, rightfully, that this is stupid, that Vriska didn't mean it, but didn't she?  
She said you shouldn't go back, but she can't tell you what to do, no one can.  
That's such a lie you almost stop what you're doing to laugh because you're doing exactly what she said you would, you're running right back to him despite everything he's done to you.  
Instead you finish packing your bag, pull on your shoes and run to the window, yanking it up and pulling out the rusty screen   
You climb out and as soon as your feet hit the dirty concrete you take off running

**Vriska**

  
You sit like that for a while, just mindlessly watching tv  
You decide to leave Terezi to herself, if she wants to be like that then she can. You know you're right, and as long as she doesn't go back she can be as mad as she wants at you, you don't care.  
As it starts to get dark out you shut off the tv and walk over to the bedroom door, which is still shut.  
"I'm coming in" you say  
No one answers  
Oh so she's not talking to you, fine, you can deal with that, as long as she didn't go back  
You turn the knob and open the door, looking into the dark bedroom  
"Terezi?"  
Still no answer  
You flick on the light and your stomach twists as you look at your mess of a room, your very unoccupied mess of a room  
Shit  
The window is open and the screen is laying discarded on a pile of dirty clothes on the floor  
"Terezi!?" You call, running to the window. You brace your hands on the window sill and stick your head out, looking out at the street.  
The street is empty.  
Fuck  
She could have left hours ago and you wouldn't have known.  
You stand up, cursing as you hit your head on the window and look around the room.  
Her dragon backpack is gone and so are her stupid red crocs.  
You run out of the bedroom, heart beating in your ears and pull open the front door, stepping out onto the sidewalk  
"Terezi!?" You yell, looking around frantically  
No answer  
"TEREZI!?"  
No answer  
You stand alone in that empty street, lit only by the dim streetlights that summer bugs have decided to fly around, and Terezi is no where in sight  
She's gone

 

**Gamzee**

  
"Fuck!"  
Your empty beer can hits the tv screen and bounces onto the carpet, rolling under the coffee table  
You sit back, letting your head fall back against the couch and resting your hands on your bare stomach.  
The fan is on high and as the announcer on the tv calls it a KO and the MMA fighter still standing whoops, pumping his huge fists in the air as the crowd cheers. You don't cheer though, you were routing for the other guy, who is now laying knocked out cold on the floor of the arena.  
It's way to fucking hot and you are not nearly drunk enough  
You swing forward to rest your elbows on your knees and grab the pack of cigarettes off the coffee table which is occupied by empty beer cans, rolling papers, a bag of weed a burnt out bowl and a lighter.  
You pull a cigarette from the pack, tossing it back onto the table top and knocking a beer can to the floor, and grab the lighter from the table  
You bring the cigarette to your lips and hold the lighter to the end until it lights and then you toss that back on the table too  
You take a drag, releasing the smoke into the air thick with coming summer heat  
If Terezi was here she would be laughing at you but she's not here  
She left, just like everyone does, and you don't bother kidding yourself as to why  
Still, part of you wants her back, a big part of you.  
You want her back so you can see her every morning like you always have, so you can laugh and fuck around together, so you can hold her and kiss her and touch her.  
But you also want her back so you can take everything out on her, so you can scream at her, shove her into the wall, hit her, grab her, do whatever you want with her, because she's yours, and she always will be.  
There's a knock on the door and you sit up, turning to look over the back of the couch  
It's probably some stupid kid who heard you were a good hook up or something. Well tough fucking luck pal you did your whole stash so those motherfuckers can just get lost.  
You curse under your breath and get up, taking a deep drag of your cigarette as you turn the knob and yank open the door  
"I don't got anything so you can just get-" you start and then you stop, looking at the person who stands in the door, looking up at you with big blind eyes ringed with red  
You smile slowly, leaning against the door frame, "hey there baby girl"

 

 


	14. drink up, baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Drink up, baby, stay up all night  
> With the things you could do, you won't but you might  
> The potential you'll be that you'll never see  
> The promises you'll only make"  
> -Elliot Smith-[Between The Bars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPD-a1FjUtU)  
>   
> Two fucked up girls self medicate with alcohol, it goes about as well as you would think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm home and I've got a new job. I'm also checking myself into a hospital outpatient program because I'm so tired of being sick and I want to get better

**Terezi**

  
Tonight sucks already  
Gamzee started smoking hours ago and you've been staring out the window at the slowly darkening blue and purple of the sky holding a cup of cold coffee in your hands for what feels like hours without moving  
A nasty film has grown on the surface after hours of being untouched and at this point you know you're just going to dump it down the drain and leave the mug in the pile of dirty dishes in the sink but for now you're too fixated on nothing to move  
You can smell the smoke from the living room and hear Gamzee curse and you know it's going to be a shitty night  
You don't even look up when he walks into the bedroom and leans against the wall with a bottle of alcohol in hand, giving you a grin  
"Hey baby girl"  
Yeah he's already fucked up out of his mind  
You already know how this goes  
You sigh, "hey Gamzee"  
You can practically feel his grin widen and much to your dismay he comes over and plops on the floor beside you  
He throws an arm around you and you flinch but don't pull away  
"How you doin?" He asks, looking over at you  
"I'm tired" you say simply  
"You always motherfuckin tired" he says, like it's your fault  
You don't say anything but a quiet "yeah" to that  
"Here, I got somethin that'll wake ya up"  
He picks up the bottle of nasty looking alcohol and offers it to you  
"No thanks" you say without even looking up  
You feel his smile drop and his eyes narrow  
"Cmon sis" he says a little more forcefully now, shoving the bottle in your face  
"I said no" you say, pushing the bottle out of your face  
He glares at you for a second before grabbing you by the hair and forcing your face down close to the bottle  
"Ow what the fu-" you start but he cuts you off with an order  
"Drink"  
He holds the bottle to your lips, presses, tips it back and there is a disgusting taste in your mouth  
At first you put your hands over his to push them away, to take the bottle from your lips, but as the liquid goes down your throat, burning a path into your body, your hands close over to replace his, and you drink  
When you do take the bottle from your lips you are coughing and your stomach is sick  
Well, sicker anyways  
He smiles at you and pats you on the back, there are tears in your eyes, holding them back burns just as your throat does, and you squeeze your eyes shut against them  
"There we go baby girl, that'll wake ya right up, loosen ya up too" he says, ruffling your hair  
You glare at the bottle in your hands but don't say anything  
You settle back against the wall, the bottle in your lap and he settles beside you  
As you sit with him, passing the bottle back and forth between you, you think about Vriska  
She hasn't texted or called you since you left and that was a week ago  
You think she must really be pissed at you this time. She's probably tired of dealing with your shit and really you don't blame her for it. You were never her responsibility anyway, even if she was yours.  
You take a swig of the bottle of what you have since realized is cheap liquor and sigh  
You don't need her, you have Gamzee, and all you really need is not to feel alone  
You glance over at him, watching him carefully through the haze of alcohol that is already falling over your mind  
He looks different then he did back then, back when you were friends, back when he didn't destroy everything he touched, including you  
You look for him, that boy you knew, in the boy that sits beside you, all sharp features and terrible slouch  
His nose, once long and thin, is now broken and poorly healed  
His face, all sharp jaw and high cheekbones, is now marred by those three long scars that stretch grotesquely across his face  
It's been months now since the injury and the scars are beginning to lighten with the weeks. Soon you think they will be healed fully and all that will be left is the ghost of something terrible he did  
Just like your scars  
You sigh again and take the bottle he offers you without saying anything  
You bring the bottle to your lips and drink. Beside you Gamzee lights another cigarette.  
"How you feelin, baby girl, the booze make it any better?" He asks, draping his arm over your shoulders.  
You hold the bottle close to your chest and look down at the dirty carpet where cigarette ash has fallen in with the mess of stained carpet fibers, hair, and bits of food and trash.  
You shrug noncommentaly, "I just kind of feel sick"  
"You eat anything today?" He asks  
You think on it and shrug, "dunno"  
"Dunno?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at you  
You nod, keeping your eyes on the dirty carpet  
"Ya hungry?" He asks  
You shake your head and accept the bottle he offers you  
"Ya sure? We can go get somethin"  
You shake your head again, curling in on yourself and holding the bottle close to your chest  
"Maybe we should get something else in ya then" he says, taking the bottle from your hands and placing his hand on your shoulder  
You do look up then and you see it in his eyes, that intention  
You pull away, shaking your head "I'm not in the mood"  
"Aw come on baby girl" he says, taking hold of your chin to make you look at him, "let's have a little fun, take your mind off things"  
You turn to the side, looking away from him, "I said I'm not in the mood Gamzee"  
"You're never in the mood no more" he says  
You just shrug  
He sits back and you can feel his eyes on you but you don't look up  
"You don't wanna eat, you don't wanna fuck, what do you wanna do?" He asks  
"Sleep" you say  
"All you do is sleep"  
You shrug again  
"Would you quit that shruggin?" He says, grabbing you by the shoulder and shaking you  
You let him  
"Come on baby girl, drink a little more, you'll feel better" he urges, holding the bottle out to you  
You look up at him and meet his eyes. They're clear, for him anyway, and there's something real there, something that if you didn't know better you would think was caring. That thought makes your stomach drop.  
You take the bottle  
You close your eyes press the bottle to your lips and tip back your head  
It burns going down just like before but you ignore it and keep drinking  
"Woah there Tez, slow down" Gamzee says, reaching out to take the bottle from you  
You smack his hand away, opening one eye to glare at him  
He raises his dark eyebrows and leans back holding up his hands, "shit okay"

After that everything gets blurry  
You find yourself laughing and you can't stop, it's almost hard to breathe  
You focus long enough to see Gamzee smiling at you and there's real caring there, like before  
You keep laughing

**Rose**

  
It burns going down, it always burns  
You take the wine glass from your lips and sigh  
You can already feel a headache coming on  
You sit back against the bars of the balcony and sigh, setting your now empty wine glass down beside you  
You let your head fall to the side and watch as what's left of the red wine drips down the sides of the glass  
There's a black mark on the rim from your lipstick and you don't feel like wiping it off anymore than you feel like sitting up to get the bottle of wine off the table to refill your glass  
Eventually though you do although not without a lot of muttered curses and stumbling  
Once you get to your feet you steady yourself on the rickety metal table with one hand and grab the wine bottle with the other  
You drop back down to the ground quite ungracefully with the half empty wine bottle held to your chest  
You're still in your black club dress and it's uncomfortably tight on your body as you settle back against the bars of the balcony with the bottle of wine  
At least your heels are gone, kicked off in the corner of the balcony as soon as you found out you weren't going out  
You don't bother with the glass this time and instead just put the bottle to your lips and tip your head back  
It still burns, but not as much  
You take the wine bottle from your lips and set it down beside you with a sigh  
You were supposed to go out with Roxy tonight but she had to cancel last minute, something about taking Dirk to visit your mom, and Kanaya is over with Karkat so now you're drinking alone in your apartment  
You know this is becoming a problem. There's hardly a night you're sober anymore and you've started to drink during the day when no one is looking, pouring liquor into your morning coffee and smiling at Kanaya while she makes breakfast  
Your life is pretty much a cigarette butt floating in a wine glass right now and you don't really know what else to do about it but drink more  
So you do

**Terezi**

  
Everything is a haze  
The room around you is bright and there are light spots in your eyes as you smile up at the ceiling  
You haven't felt this good in a long time but underneath the haze of the alcohol you know it won't last  
You feel a hand on your shoulder and turn your head to the side to see Gamzee peering at you through the haze. He reaches out and taps you on the forehead,  
"You there baby girl?"  
You smile and nod, leaning in to give him a gross spitty kiss on the nose, like you used to when things were good  
You pull back and look up at him, "I'm here"  
He grins, "good" and smashed his lips against yours  
You stiffen in surprise as his hand fists in your hair, holding you together You try to take a breath through the kiss but he doesn't give you time because then you're on your back on the dirty carpet and he's on top of you, kissing you hard  
His hands are all over your body, pulling at your clothes and hair as he kisses you. In your haze you remember what this used to feel like back when things are good and you want to feel that again, you want to feel that so much it hurts. So as he kisses you you smile against his lips, wrap your arms around his neck, and kiss him back  
It's a blur of hands and lips and words barely exchanged as they're spoken against skin  
Everything feels warm and soft just like it always used to when you did this when you were sixteen

Back then you used to lay on your living room floor after school with cartoons on the tv and kiss until Vriska got home from D&D club.  
She burst through the door with Tavros Aradia and Eridan right behind her, complaining loudly that you weren't there to see her kick ass while simultaneously arguing with Eridan over a call he made  
"Heeeeeeeey Pyrope!"  
You reluctantly broke apart, looking up at them as they came into the living room.  
"Vriska"  
She looked you up and down where you sat on the living room floor, limbs tangled with Gamzee's and wrinkled her nose, "you guys are soooooooo gross"  
"Oh like you and Tavros don't do the same thing" you said, pushing yourself up into a sitting position on atop of Gamzee. He sat up too, stretching his long aroma above his head and leaning back against the couch with a content sigh  
Tavros blushed behind her, droopy brown eyes fixed on the floor, "I'm uh, gonna go make pizza pockets" he said, walking quickly into the kitchen  
"Yeah well it's still fucking gross, get a room" Vriska said, ignoring him  
"I have a room, I share it with you, duh dur" you said, sticking out your tongue at her  
Vriska opened her mouth to say something but a low, scratchy voice interrupted her "hey hey hey now"  
You all looked at Gamzee, who's lap you were still sitting in with your arms over his shoulders  
He looked between you with his heavily lidded eyes, "let's bring it down sisters"  
"Oh shut up Makara, go smoke some more pot" Vriska sneered  
"I already did my bitchin sis but that ain't meanin I can't be smokin more" he said, a grin spreading across his face. There were no scars there then, his face was clear with maybe a few pimples but not as many as you would expect considering how little he showered. His eyes were bright, his nose was sharp and unbroken, and the teeth he showed when he smiled were actually kind of white.  
"Yeah why don't you go do that" Vriska said  
His smile widened, "damn sis I think I will"  
He turned to you, still smiling "gotta bounce sis"  
You sighed and rolled your blind eyes, pretending to be put out as you climbed off his lap, "fiiiiiiiine, but you owe me"  
He grinned again and ruffled your hair, "can do, sis"  
He pushed himself up from the floor, unfolding his long gangly limbs as he stood. He still towered over all of you even back then.  
"Anyone wanna come?" He asked, looking at all of you  
"Hell no" Eridan said. Beside him Aradia shrugged and smiled, "why not"  
Gamzee grinned, "damn girl, come the fuck over here"  
Her smile widened and she skipped over to him, dropping her bag on the couch as she passed. She took the hand he offered her and you watched as he lead her into the hallway and disappeared into your bedroom  
"Lets get motherfuckin baked and paint our faces"  
"Sounds fun!"  
"Hey I didn't say you could smoke in our room!" Vriska called but you could tell she wasn't going to actually go in there and kick them out  
She groaned, rolling her one blue eye, "whatever, fuck them, I'm hungry, hey Tavros!"  
"Uh, yeah?" He called, poking his head around the doorway between the kitchen and living room  
"Is the food done?" she demanded, placing a hand on her bony hip  
"Yeah uh, it's just one box of pizza pockets though" he said  
"Well then make more" she snapped  
He straightened up, nodding and disappeared back into the kitchen  
"Well I'm not eatin that shit" Eridan said  
You and Vriska turned to look at him at the same time, "then don't"  
He pouted his lip and huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, "well fuck you too" he said, turning on his heel and walking into the kitchen  
"Wait what are you eating!?" Vriska called  
"I don't know, whatever I can fuckin find!"  
"Don't touch my cherry Kool-Aid!" You called  
"Don't worry, Ter, I'm not goin to drink your fuckin Kool-Aid"  
You grinned, settling back against the couch as Vriska climbed onto the couch above you, kicking off her shoes and dangling her feet in your face  
You stayed still, grabbing the remote from the carpet and turning up the tv  
When her feet still didn't move you put the tv on mute and set it in your lap, "Vriska?"  
"Terezi?"  
"If you don't get your feet out of my face, I will throw all of your stuff out the window while you sleep"  
She groaned and reluctantly moved her feet, "fiiiiiiiiine, you're no fun"  
You grinned and unmuted the tv, "thank you"

Now you lay on the floor of a different living room, kissing like you did when you were sixteen. You try to pull away but you can't. Something is starting to seep into you, making your stomach sick and suddenly you feel that sickness make its way up your throat. You try again to pull away.  
"Mmmzee!" You say through the kiss but he holds tighter on your hair, keeping your lips pressed to his  
You can taste the alcohol now and you start to panic, struggling underneath of his weight.  
Your hands find his chest and you push at it  
When he still doesn't respond you grit your teeth, brace both your hands against his chest and push as hard as you can "get OFF!"  
He looks legitimately surprised as he falls back, smacking his head on the couch  
He curses and looks up at you with rage on his face but you don't have time to care  
You scramble to your feet and run, feet slipping on the matted carpet as you try to reach the kitchen  
You feel it coming up your throat and the kitchen is right in front of you  
Your feet cross from matted carpet to slippery linoleum and you fall to your knees just as it all comes out  
Your hands are cold on the kitchen floor as you throw up everything in your stomach, which isn't very much  
When you're done you feel around until you find yourself back on carpet and collapse  
You're passing in and out of consciousness when you hear a voice  
"The fuck girl!?"  
Then there are hands on you and you're being yanked up sickeningly fast  
The change in position makes you're head spin and you try to focus on what's in front of you but everything is a blur  
Finally you're able to focus on Gamzee's scared face as he shakes you  
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Motherfuckin look at me when I'm talking!"  
You put your hands over his and try to keep your eyes focused on his, "I...I'm tired"  
His eyebrows lower and his mouth turns down at the corners. He lets go of your shirt letting you fall hard to the floor  
Your head is still spinning as you see him stand looking down at you  
"You're always motherfuckin tired. You need to wake the fuck up" he growls  
His foot connects with your side and you gasp in a mix of surprise and pain. You don't have a chance to register it though because then his foot is there again and again and again, kicking you hard.  
You curl in on yourself, putting your arms up to protect your head and squeezing your eyes shut, waiting for it to stop.  
He doesn't say anything as he kicks you and you don't know how long he does but when it finally stops you're left on the floor, barely conscious as your whole body throbs.  
Then you feel someone beside you on the floor and open your eyes, slowly lowering your arms from over your face.  
Gamzee is laying there beside you on the carpet, a look of boredom on his scarred face  
"I think you've had too much, baby girl"  
You blink, opening your lips to speak but nothing comes out  
"Cmon girl, lets get you to bed"  
He helps you up and you stumble as a wave of pain hits you, "let's go baby girl"  
You let him lead you to the bedroom and lay you down on the bed. Your whole body is going numb now as he pulls the blankets up over you and pets your head  
"There we go"  
Then he's gone and so is the light and you're left laying there in the dark, still shaking.  
You try to put a though together but all that comes is that Vriska was right. This is your own fault.  
You pull Pyralspite against your chest, burry your face in his soft plush fur, and let yourself fall into sleep.

**Rose**

  
You don't know how much wine you've had now. It must have been at least two bottles.  
You giggle and let your head fall back against the metal bars of the balcony.  
You like the wine, the wine is your friend, the wine makes you happy. You don't like the liquor so much but you drink it anyway because you can.  
As you take another sip from the bottle of...something beside you, you think that this would be more fun if Roxy was here.  
She doesn't drink anymore though, you forgot about that.  
That's no fun, you bet your mom would drink with you if she were here  
You've always wanted to drink with your mom but she's in a hospital in another city and you don't think that even you can get a bottle of vodka into a hospital.  
You set the bottle back on the floor beside you and sit up. The change in place makes your head spin and you grab hold of one of the chairs to steady yourself.  
"Woah" you say, smiling up at the dark sky, "...pretty"  
You keep your eyes on the sky as you lay back on the cold metal of the balcony, stretching your arms out beside you  
"It's so pretty" you say, looking up at the few stars you can see in the sky  
"Soooo pretty"  
You close your eyes and everything around you sways.  
You lay like that until your happy silence is broken by a familiar voice.  
"Rose?"  
Your eyes open and the sky doesn't look so pretty anymore  
"Rose are you here?"  
You push yourself up, trying to ignore the way it makes your head spin and start grabbing the bottles laying around the balcony  
You're grabbing the last bottle off the table when you feel her there behind you  
She doesn't have to say anything, you already know  
You clumsily set the bottles down on the table and turn to face her, keeping your eyes on your bare feet  
"Please look at me Rose"  
You look up and meet her kind green eyes. There's disappointment there and that hurts more than anything  
Your vision starts to blur and your lips start to shake "Kanaya..."  
Before you can finish slurring your broken apology she closes the space between you and takes you into her arms, holding you against her.  
You close your eyes and bury your face against her shoulder.  
"I'm sorry Kagaya"  
Kanaya strokes your hair and presses her lips to the top of your head, speaking into your hair, "oh Rose..." her voice is pained and that's what hurts the most.  
You pull back to look at her, tears dripping down your face and running your makeup in black streaks down your cheeks.  
"I'm so sorry Kanya...Kana...Kaneya" you say, looking up at her desperately through the tears  
She takes a breath and looks down at you, shaking her head  
"It's okay, Rose"  
"I love you Kanaya" you say  
She lets you lean against her and leads you back into the apartment. She gets you changed out of your club dress and into pajamas. She cleans your face with a wash cloth and warm water, gently wiping the smear of makeup from your eyes. She helps you into bed and pulls the blankets up over you. She leans down and touches her lips to your forehead as you curl up under the warmth of the blankets.  
"I love you too, Rose"

 

 


	15. the lights were low enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The lights were low enough, you guessed  
> You swapped your conscience with your fathers medication  
> Limped from Rome to Lawrenceville  
> And on the way wrote out a self-made declaration"  
> -Manchester Orchestra- [The Alien](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71U_qjHLM58)  
>   
> Dave just wants a family that doesn't make him want to walk into the street in the middle of rush hour on a Friday. Instead he has a mom dying in a hospital bed, two sisters prone to alcoholism and a brother that just won't let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost my job because I'm sick so that made me feel like shit and I have now cried in my car twice while listening to sad 8tracks playlists and contemplated swallowing a bottle of pills because of it. At least the heat is on in my house and I have this cup of apple chai. The alien is the song I listen to to calm down when I smoke, it makes me feel safe and always makes me think of Dave.

**Dave**

  
It’s hot out as you walk down the street in the direction of Skaia Coffee. Rose isn’t working today, she’s at home nursing a hangover, so you don’t have to worry about running into her.  
When you reach the coffee shop you pull open the heavy door and slip inside  
It’s cool inside but not uncomfortably so and the air smells like ground coffee  
You scan the people sitting around the coffee shop, elbows on tables, laptops balanced on knees, feet up on coffee tables, until you see a familiar green hijab in the corner by the window  
You order at the counter and make your way over to the corner with your drink, pulling out a seat at the table  
Kanaya looks up from what she’s reading, some local artists zine that they have sitting around the coffee shop in place of actual magazines, and smiles at you, snapping the zine shut and setting it on the table beside her. It’s a sincere smile but you can tell she didn’t get much sleep last night.  
“Sup Kanaya”  
“Hello Dave”  
“Did you order yet?” You ask, taking a seat and slouching against the back of the chair, bringing one foot up to rest on your knee  
She nods her head towards a large hot cup sitting on the table between you with what looks like a bad misspelling of her name scrawled on the side in sharpie. You would think the college age hipsters that work here with John and Rose would know how to spell her name by now, she lives above the shop. Then again you’ve learned over the years not to underestimate just how much the person on the other side of any given service counter does not actually give a fuck about what’s going on and is just there for their shitty paycheck.  
“Oh, yeah” you say  
Her smile widens like she’s trying not to laugh, it’s the same smile Rose gives you when she knows something you don’t. They’ve been together for six years now and in that time they’ve picked up each other’s mannerism down to that same smile. Shits freaky, if not more than a little cute.  
“I’m assuming you ordered as well?” she says  
You nod and hold up your cold cup, “yeah, got me a blended mocha”  
She nods, humming, “surprising”  
“Yeah I don’t mix it up much, at least not when it comes to my drinks. I do mix some sick beats though” you say  
You are a rap battling dick drawing creature of habit especially when it comes to your food and drink orders.  
“So, how is my darling sister?” You ask, taking a sip of your drink.  
Kanaya’s smile dims and she looks to the side, green eyes focused on nothing. She closes her eyes takes a deep breath and exhales, visibly collecting herself.  
She sits up, faces you and opens her eyes to meet yours, “she is…she has been better”  
You sigh and nod, taking another sip of your drink, “yeah, I figured, how many times is this now?”  
“Seven” she says  
You groan and press your face into your palm  
She hums in understanding  
“Well this is shit” you say, looking up from your hand  
“Yes, I believe that this situation could be considered ‘shit’” she says  
You take a breath and let it out, relaxing your shoulders, “okay, okay, it’s cool, it’s all cool, we got this”  
She nods, “yes, that is the purpose of our meeting here, to discuss Rose”  
You nod and straighten up, meeting her eyes, “yeah, Rose”

Two hours one frozen mocha and one matcha latte later you exit the coffee shop with Kanaya right behind you.  
You walk out onto the sidewalk and turn to face each other.  
You shove your hands in the pockets of your sweatshirt and lean back to look up at her, “thanks for your help Kanaya”  
She smiles and adjusts her bag on her shoulder, “it was no trouble, Dave, thank you for your help as well”  
“I’m gonna go talk to Roxy, figured since she’s been down that same booze soaked road she might have some advice”  
She nods, “I am going to go home and check on Rose, she was sleeping when I left but she may be up and wanting some tea”  
“See you around then” you say, nodding to her  
“See you around”

When you reach Roxy’s apartment you stop outside and drop down on the sidewalk, leaning back against the building. You dig your hand into your pocket and pull out a crumpled pack of cigarettes and a lighter  
You open up the pack and pull out a cigarette, stuffing the pack back in your pocket and bringing the cigarette to your lips.  
You strike the lighter, it lights then goes out. You strike it again, it lights and goes out.  
“Damn” you mutter, holding the lighter right up to the end of the cigarette and striking it  
It lights and goes out  
You sigh, dropping the hand with the lighter in it to your side and looking at the barely singed end of the cigarette  
Whatever, you shouldn’t be smoking anyway  
You stuff the cigarette back into the pack and get to your feet, heading inside the apartment building and taking the stairs up to the 2nd floor  
When you reach Roxy’s apartment you stop and slap your hand on the door, leaning against it trying to catch your breath from running up all those stairs  
Your legs burn and your heart is beating in your ears which reminds you that you forgot to eat today, again  
You should not have had coffee on an empty stomach, now you’re going to be shaking for the rest of the day or at least until you can get some food  
Just when you’re finding your breath the door opens in and you loose your balance, pitching forward right into the person that opened the door  
They stumble back in surprise but stay on their feet and then deft hands that remind you so much of the ones that used to hurt you are grabbing you by the shoulders and you’re not falling anymore  
You look up to be met with an impassive face and your own reflection looking back at you from the dark shining surface of a pair of triangle shades resting on a long pointed nose  
“Dirk”  
He gives you a nod of acknowledgment and you straighten up, glancing down at where his hands still rest on your shoulders  
“Uh, dude” you say and his hands retract so fast you can’t even follow the movement  
“Sorry, sorry” he mutters, putting his hands up and taking a step back  
“Is that Davey at the door?” Roxy calls as she pokes her head up over the back of the couch, neck strained to face the door  
Dirk doesn’t answer, you’re the answer, and her face lights up when she sees you  
“Davey!”  
She jumps up from the couch and runs over to you, pulling you into an almost painfully tight hug  
“Davey Davey Davey” she sings, smiling against your shoulder  
“Hey Rox” you say, patting her back lightly as she squeezes the life out of you  
She pulls back and grins up at you, pink eyes bright  
“What’s up baby bro, what are you doing here?”  
“Ah not much, just thought I’d stop by” you say, giving her a small smile back  
“You sure you didn’t just miss your favorite sister?” She asks, grinning up at you and giving you a wink  
You laugh, “of course I missed you”  
She laughs and rolls her eyes, reaching up to flick your hair curl that matches the one in her own white blonde hair “oh you love Rose more and we both know it”  
“Hey that’s total shit and you know it, as far as I’m concerned you’re the only member of this family that doesn’t actively make me want to walk into traffic” you say, pushing her hand away from your hair and flicking her hair curl instead   
She laughs and slaps you roughly on the back, “that’s my Davey”  
“How is Rose?” a deep, flat voice asks from behind you  
You turn from Roxy to look at Dirk who for a second you had forgotten was there. He’s so quiet and still sometimes it’s almost unsettling.  
You immediately avert your eyes, “she’s sick at home…nasty hangover apparently”  
“Oh yeah, we were supposed to go out last night but then mom called and me and Dirky decided to take the train up to visit her, guess she partied by herself” Roxy says  
“That would explain why she was in a club dress when Kanaya found her” you say, not having to imagine the scene your sisters girlfriend had described. You’ve seen it yourself too many times to count at this point. Rose, drunk out of her little blond head, laying on the ground in a tight purple dress and a pair of broken black heels, mascara around her pale purple eyes and black lipstick smudged over her lips, either laughing or crying until she breaks into hiccups and you have to rub her back and talk to her softly until she calms down.  
“What do you mean when Kanaya found her?” Roxy asks  
You look down and shove your hands in the pockets of your pants, rocking on your heels  
“Davey, what aren’t you telling me?” she asks, moving to stand in front of you and trying to meet your eyes  
She should know by now that when a Strider doesn’t want to make eye contact, it’s not going to happen. Then again, this is Roxy Lalonde we’re talking about here, if anyone knows their way around a Strider’s emotional walls it’s her  
“Dave” she says, taking you by the shoulders and trying to make eye contact with you through your shades  
“I’m pretty sure…no I’m fuckin sure that she…she’s got a problem, Rox” you say  
She nods in understanding, “it’s okay, she’ll get through it, I did, mom did”  
“Moms in the hospital dying because of it, Roxy, shit you almost died because of it” you say, meeting her eyes  
She bites her lip, looking hurt and your stomach twists with guilt. You didn’t mean to make her upset.  
“Look Rox I’m sorry okay, I just meant, I knew that you would know, fuck I don’t know I just, I need help and I don’t know what else to do, shit” you say, your words getting away from you the way they always seem too when you’re emotional  
She nods, giving you a reassuringly warm smile and pats your shoulder, “Davey it’s okay, I’m glad you came to me, I can help, actually” she pauses and glances back at Dirk, “we can help”  
You must not disguise the look on your face quick enough because Roxy immediately launches into an explanation although it sounds more like a defense, “Dirk is the one that helped me when I had a problem and he’s part of this family too Davey, you know he cares about Rose”  
But you’re not really hearing her, you’re looking at Dirk, although it feels a lot more like looking at a ghost.  
You open your mouth to reply to Roxy but Dirk speaks first  
“It’s okay, Rox, I don’t need to be part of this. The last thing you need is more of me getting into everyone’s business”  
He directs that last part to you and you suddenly feel really guilty  
“I gotta go” he says, nodding to you and Roxy without actually meeting your eyes and taking long strides to the door with his hands shoved in his pockets and his shoulders hunched  
The door closes behind him leaving you and Roxy alone in the apartment  
You can feel her eyes on you but you can’t bring yourself to meet them because you know what’s going to be there waiting for you, disappointment, and you would rather cut off your non existent dick than disappoint Roxy  
“Davey” she says, waiting for you to look at her  
Slowly you raise your eyes to meet hers, probably looking as guilty as you feel  
“You really need to talk to him” she says  
You look away, “he probably doesn’t want to talk to me after that…I know I wouldn’t”  
“Dave all he wants to do is talk to you, you’ve basically been ignoring him for months now, he doesn’t talk about it but I know Dirk better than anyone, it’s really hurting him. Please go talk to him, for me” She says  
You do meet her eyes now and you were right, the minute you do you sigh and nod, “fine”  
She grins and pats you on the shoulder, “that’s my Davey”  
You turn from Roxy and head out the apartment door. You already know where he'll be.  
You look around the hallway which is mostly empty with the exception of one of the neighbors struggling to unlock their door with a bag of groceries in hand while a small child runs in circles around his legs chanting something you can’t make out  
You turn from them and look down the other end of the hallway where a door leads to the stairwell  
You shove your hands in your pockets and walk towards the door, ducking inside the cold stairwell. The first thing you notice is that it smells vaguely of cigarettes, someone was definitely smoking in here. The second is that it’s about ten degrees colder in here than it is in the rest of the building and you’re starting to wish you had brought your hoodie. You shrug it off, heading up the steps towards the roof.  
You pass grimy reinforced Windows that look out on the slowly darkening city and quicken your steps as you pass each floor, each taking you closer to what feels way too much like a confrontation you don’t want anything to do with.  
Unfortunately Roxy is right, you really do need to talk to Dirk. As much as you’ve tried to avoid it and as much as the idea makes you want to throw up you know it’s true. You’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t face things, that’s something Rose always told you.  
When you reach the last floor you continue passed the door leading inside to a second door hidden partially behind the stairs  
You stop at the door, your hand in the cold metal doorknob, and take a deep breath  
You can do this  
You let out the breath, twist the knob and pull the heavy metal door open  
Outside it’s much warmer, almost comfortably so as the sun is close to setting now.

 _"The lights were low enough you guessed_  
_You swapped your conscience with your father's medication_  
_Limped from Rome to Lawrenceville_

_And on the way wrote out a self made declaration"_

Just like you thought Dirk stands at the edge of the roof, hands in his pockets, looking out over the city. When you were younger he used to spend hours up on the roof, you think it was his way of escaping. You ran away, he sat in the roof.

You suddenly really don't want to do this and you move to turn and go back into the building before he sees you but you stop at the memory of you on a similar roof as a child. You're on the ground, holding your broken sun glasses in your small bloody hands. Your Bro stands over you, he's yelling at you for the tears that are running down your bruised face and you can't do anything but shake as he raises his sword. Then Dirk is there, putting himself between you and Bro, his own sword up to block Bro's. 

He always tried to protect you, he's your brother, you owe him this much.

 _"And when you got to Pleasant Hill_  
_You forced the traffic to erase your family demons_  
_And made a pact with you and god_  
_If you don't move I swear to you I'm gonna make ya"_

You take another deep breath, hunch your shoulders, and walk towards him.  
He doesn’t say anything or even look up at you as you come to stand next to him but you know he sees you. You can feel those orange eyes on you from behind both your shades and it makes you want to turn around and walk away as fast as you can but you don’t, you can’t, not this time.  
After a thick silence between you you open your mouth to force out something, anything, but he speaks first.  
“I’m sorry Dave”  
You blink, taken aback  
He must sense your confusion because he turns to face you, eyes on yours from behind that dark glass  
“I don’t know what I did to hurt you, but whatever it is, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I at least want to know what it is so I can make sure I don’t do it again”  
You don’t know what to say. After a moment of just looking at him, lips parted to speak with no words actually coming out, you say “you didn’t do anything”

His face tells you that he believes you about as much as you do.

You really are a terrible liar. It always got you in trouble as a kid, not being able to hide your emotions the way that Bro taught you to. Dirk was good at it, Dirk was good at everything, but not you. You were too emotional, you were never what you were supposed to be, you were never a Strider. Sometimes you feel like you don’t even have a right to the name, sometimes you think you don’t want to.

 _"Do you need me?_  
_Do you need me?_  
_Do you need me?_  
_Do you need me?"_

That’s why you always just avoided contact with your Bro as much as possible. It wasn’t too hard, he was barely ever around, but you still remember the way your stomach would sink as you heard the apartment door open from inside your room. When you were really little, before you learned better, you would jump from bed, tripping over your feet as you ran out into the hall to greet him. You would call his name with an excitement you were too young to know was unacceptable at the time and attach yourself to his leg, smiling up at him behind a pair of triangle shades that were way too big for your small face. Sometimes he would humor you, ruffle your hair, even lift you into his arms leaving you giggling with joy if you were lucky, but most of the time he did nothing but nod and say “hey little man.” You eventually learned not to do that, but it took you a while, too long for Bro’s liking. It didn’t take Dirk that long, in fact he never had to learn it in the first place. His greeting to Bro was always the same, a meeting of identical mirrored shades and a nod sometimes accompanied by a “yo” or “sup?” and that was it. No emotion, cold, impassive, controlled, everything you weren’t. But you learned, eventually you learned. You learned not to run to him when he came home, you learned not to show affection, you learned to keep your emotions hidden. You learned, he made sure of it.

 _"When the first officer arrived_  
_It happened to be the high school bully of your brother_  
_When you finally recognised_  
_You felt some guilt that you had even let him touch you_  
_"Can you hear me, what's your name?"_  
_You could not speak just laid amazed at all the damage_  
_As the high school's letting out_  
_All the kids are saying the same thing that they used to"_

The older you got the less you interacted with him, it was easier that way, it was too much pressure to be around him. You took to closing and locking the door of the bedroom you shared with Dirk behind you as soon as you got home from school. You took to pretending like you didn’t hear him come in, turning up your music when you heard the door open. When he found your door locked he got angry, said you always had to be on your toes, ready to strife, ready to fight for the right to get some apple juice out of the fridge or get into the bathroom so you could brush your teeth at night. He really beat the shit out of you then. After that you took to just not coming home at all.

 _"It's an alien_  
_It's an alien_  
_It's an alien_  
_It's an alien"_

You stayed at friends places, sleeping on John’s bedroom floor, doing your homework at the kitchen table with Jade, keeping your things in a dresser at Rose and Roxy's house, spending the night sitting awake on the fire escape with Terezi. When they weren’t around, or sometimes when you didn’t want to bother them, you would just go to the gas station or the local diner. You would walk around the city until you really had no choice but to either go back to your apartment or show up at one of your friends houses. Sometimes you would knock on John and Jade's window at one in the morning, sometimes you would show up at Terezi’s door just as the sun was rising, but usually you just sucked it up and went back. Entering the apartment in pitch darkness, closing the door behind you as quietly as possible, making sure to slip off your shoes so that your feet didn’t make a sound as you snuck into the bedroom you shared with Dirk. If you were lucky Dirk was asleep or at least pretending to be, if you were unlucky he questioned you as soon as you walked in. Where were you, why didn’t you come home, what were you even doing. You always brushed these questions off, choosing instead to answer with a shrug and slip under the covers on your bed. If you were lucky you would fall asleep right away. You were never a very lucky kid, even with Dirk protecting you.

 _"The lights are low enough you guessed_  
_Hospital food, there's never enough medication_  
_The doctor asked about your ears_  
_You said your mom said you were made from a revelation_  
_The revelation never scares_  
_Your fear came from your drunken dad and a pair of scissors_  
_"Were you just finally letting go?"_  
_"Did you mean to take out all those people with you?"_

“Don’t look at me like that” you say, watching Dirk carefully  
He shakes his head, “I just want to know what I did”  
“I told you, you didn’t do anything” you say, irritation starting to push its way to the surface of your voice  
“Then why have you barely talked to me in months, why are you still not looking at me?” He demands  
You bite your lip, “I don’t know man…I didn’t know I had to show my brotherly affection every fuckin minute for you not to have a fuckin paranoid melt down on me” you say  
“You don’t have to…I’m not asking you to…I just, FUCK” he says, throwing up his hands up in frustration  
You flinch, taking a step back and grasping for a sword at your side that isn’t there but the expected blow doesn’t come  
Instead Dirks eyes widen behind his shades and he immediately puts his hands up, “shit Dave, I’m sorry, I-”  
“It’s fine” you snap, crossing your arms over your chest and turning away from him so that he can’t see the way your face is burning. You hate that he saw that, you don’t want anyone to see that, especially not him. He saw enough of it when you were younger, you always were the weak one, the scared one, the one who had to be protected, and you hate that he probably still sees you like that. 

 _"Didn't mean to_  
_Didn't mean to_  
_Didn't mean to_  
_Didn't mean to"_

He moves his lips like he wants to say something but closes his mouth, flattening his lips into a hard line, lowering his hand and dropping it to his side in defeat.  
You glare at your feet on the dirty concrete of the roof and pointedly avoid looking at him. You sigh and shake your head, turning and walking away. You stop at the edge of the roof and drop down to sit, still holding yourself tightly.  
You feel him pause before he follows, careful to sit down a few feet away from you.  
You sit in silence, two brothers staring out over the city from behind mirrored shades  
“I’m sorry” you say finally, breaking the silence. You feel him stiffen, and then he lets out a shaky laugh  
You turn to face him in confusion  
“What?” you ask  
He shakes his head, still looking out over the city, “you’re not the one who should be apologizing”  
“I mean I kinda freaked out on you so yeah, I should” you say  
“Thats not your fault, none of this shit is your fault” he says  
“Can we just stop this conversation now” you say, knowing where this is going  
He turns to you then, “why? this is obviously a problem I don’t understand why you can’t just fucking talk to me about it”  
“Because!” you yell, suddenly angry, “I can’t talk to you, I just can’t okay, stop trying to make me!”  
He looks taken aback and you realize this may actually be the first time he’s seen you loose it like this, at least not since you were too young to know better.  
Then his face softens or at least as much as a face like his can and he looks down, “I just want you to be okay”  
“I am okay” you say and he gives you that look again that tells you just how bad of a liar you really are even after all these years  
“No you’re not, Dave” he says  
You throw your hands up in frustration, “why do you care so much, why can’t you just leave it alone, why can’t you just leave me alone!?”  
“Because I blame myself!”

 _"Oh I didn't mean to_  
_Oh I didn't mean to_  
_Oh I didn't mean to_  
_Oh I didn't mean to"_

You go still, eyes locked on his face that is twisted in a kind of emotion you’ve never seen on him before  
He lets out a shaking sigh and runs a hand through his spiky blond hair, something he only does when he’s stressed out, “I blame myself, Dave”  
“Don’t” you say, eyes still on him  
He shakes his head and looks up at you, pulling his shades from his face so its just his eyes looking back at you, no wall.  
“It’s not your fault” you say, “you didn’t do anything”  
He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed, “I didn’t stop him, I became him”  
“You’re not him, Dirk” you say but you can tell he doesn’t believe you  
He shakes his head, “why else would you act the way you do around me? I’m just like him, and if not I’m going to end up just like him”  
“No you’re not” you say and he lifts his head to look at you  
You reach up and pull off your own shades, folding them carefully and setting them in the space between you, right beside his  
“He never gave a shit about us, he didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He didn’t care that what he was doing was hurting us, he probably didn’t even realize it” you say  
“Just because I realize it doesn’t make it right, Dave” he says  
“But you didn’t do what he did, you’re not him, what he did, that was him, not you. Fuck if it wasn’t for you I probably would have ended up more fucked up than I am now” you say  
“I didn’t stop him, I played his games, I didn’t know how much it was hurting you, I didn’t even realize until it was too late, I didn’t-”  
“Exactly, you didn’t know” you say, “you were just a kid too, how the fuck were you supposed to know that the shit he taught us was fucked up? You were playing his games because you had to to survive, you were just better at it than me”  
He shakes his head, “I wasn’t better than you, being good at those fucking games didn’t mean shit. If anyone turned out right it was you. I turned out more fucked up, more like him”  
“Hey I am just as fucked up as you, if not more” you say  
He shakes his head, “lets just agree that we’re both fucked up?”  
You look at him for a moment, eyes on his for the first time in years, “yeah, we’re both fucked up”  
Then before you can stop to think about what you’re doing you’re leaning forward and throwing your arms around his neck, burying your face in his shoulder  
He stiffens in surprise and for a second you’re afraid that you went too far. You immediately try to pull back and apologize but the words are just being spoken when his arms wrap around you too and pull you against him  
“It’s okay” he says, “it’s okay”  
You nod against his shoulder and close your eyes, pressing your face into the material of his shirt the way you used to when you were crying and Bro wouldn't help you, Dirk was always there, a hand holding yours in the darkness, letting you know you weren't alone in looking for the light.

 _"Time is here to take your last amendments and believe them on your own_  
_Time is here to take you by the hand, and leave you there alone_  
_Time has come to take the last commandment and to carve it into stone_  
_Time has come to take you by the hand, and leave you here alone"_


	16. you are not the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Outside, I'm growin' roots again  
> You set on me  
> But you are not the sun  
> You are not the sun  
> You are not the sun.”  
> -Brand New- [Not The Sun](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8HEhtN-653A)  
>   
> Terezi finally makes a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a new job as a barista and am no longer actively suicidal so thats good I guess. I've basically been going between work and getting drunk on weeknights and going to the diner with my friend. I’m back on my post hardcore emo shit from high school so I’ve been listening to a lot of Brand New and I love it.  
> tw in this chapter for coerced consent, I don't really go into it but its in Terezi's pov so be careful if that could upset you  
> 

**Vriska**

  
"Hey Vriska it's time to leave!"  
You groan and flip onto your back, throwing one skinny arm over your face  
"Vriska?"  
More than a little irritated, you move your arm from over your face and open your eye to find yourself looking up at your stained living room ceiling  
You can hear John moving around in the kitchen and the distant sound of the tv playing the Mario Kart opening on repeat  
You must have left it open after you totally kicked John's ass and fell asleep on the couch  
"Vriska come on get up the movie starts at 4:00 and its already 3:15"  
You make a face but push yourself up from the couch, looking around at your mess of a living room  
"Alright alright I'm up, gooooooood" you say  
"Thank you" he says, giving you that goofy buck toothed smile that, much to your irritation, makes you melt  
You deepen your glare and flip him off, flopping back against the couch  
"Vriska please, we have to get there early to get good seats" he pleads  
"Why can't Dirk and his anime boyfriend just save us seats?" you ask, digging under you and pulling out a crumpled bag of chips you had been eating before you fell asleep. You peer inside to see a small amount of crumbs collected at the bottom of the bag.  
"Okay first of all his name is Jake, he's my brother, you've met him like...a lot of times, second-"  
You roll your eye, letting your head fall back to look at him upside down  
"I know what his name is, Egdumb, I just like calling him 'Dirk's anime boyfriend' better...or Jape" you say as you tip the bag back, shaking the remaining crumbs into your mouth  
John watches you and sighs, rolling his blue eyes behind his glasses, "okay well can you please call him by his actual name when we see him, he thinks you don't like him"  
"I don't" you say, crumpling the chip bag up and tossing it onto the cluttered coffee table before pushing yourself up off the couch  
"Okay well can you maybe try to? Please?"  
You hum in thought as you stretch your long skinny arms above your head, leaning back until your back emits a loud crack  
John winces and you give him a grin  
"Fine, I'll be nice, but I'm still gonna call him Jape"  
John sighs, knowing it's about as good of an answer as he's going to get and you lean over to kiss his cheek before heading into your room, "I'll be out in like eight minutes!" You yell, both bothering to close the door behind you  
You pull off your Spiderman boxers and replace them with a pair of jean shorts you're pretty sure you've had since middle school, pull on your favorite blue bralette even though it's definitely not clean and toss a loose tank top on over it. You pull out your bun, flip your head upside down and tie up your mess of black hair into a ponytail. You slip your red converse on without bothering to put on socks and walk out into the kitchen where John is waiting for you.  
He smiles, "you ready?"  
"To see some shitty movie with you and you're dumb brother? If I haaaaaaaave to" you say  
He rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue, "yeah yeah, complain complain, you love my movies and we both know it"  
You laugh, shaking your head as you follow him out the door, "suuuuuuuure I do, John, you just keep telling yourself that"  
"I will" he says as you start down the sidewalk in the direction of the movie theater  
He's right of course, you do love his movies, but you're actually aware of how bad they are, John isn't, despite everyone telling him so literally every time it's his turn to pick the movie. He's completely oblivious to fact that Matthew McConaughey is not actually the worlds best actor. That's Nicholas Cage, obviously  
You're not even actually sure what movie you're going to see, John probably told you like eight times but you probably weren't paying attention. Whatever, you'll see when you get there.  
Whatever the movie is you're actually glad to be going to see it, even if you have to be with Dirk and Jake. They're not actually that bad, Dirk doesn't talk much and you don't think you've ever seen him emote even slightly and Jake never wears anything but shorts and has an uncanny ability to end up without pants on at every party you go to, you just like to bitch about people.  
When you reach the movie theater Dirk and Jake are waiting inside  
"Hey guys" John says, giving his brother and his boyfriend a huge buck toothed grin  
Jake gives an identical smile back and opens his arms, "why heavens to betsy if it isn't my favorite little brother"  
John laughs and happily accepts the hug  
You glance from the two hugging idiots to Dirk, who stands impassively beside his boyfriend  
"Hey Strider" you say, nodding your head his way  
He gives you a nod back, "Sup?"  
John and Jake break apart and immediately launch into a discussion about the movie you're about to watch as you all take your place in line to get tickets  
"So, you exited to see this movie?" You ask, coming to stand beside Dirk in line  
He shrugs, "honestly I don't even know what we're seeing, one minute Jake was all excited about some commercial for a new movie coming out and the next minute we were going to the movies to see it"  
You grin, "damn and I thought I was a shitty listener"  
He raises his pale eyebrows just slightly over the top rim of his dark triangular shades, "so what movie are we seeing?"  
You scoff, "hell if I know, dude, John talks so much I learned to tune most of that shit out a long time ago"  
His mouth twitches up at the side in what you think is supposed to be a smile and he shakes his head "that's one way to do it"

You get your tickets and head inside the theater to get good seats, you and Dirk trailing behind John and Jake as they walk quickly ahead of you. Once you're in the you claim four seats in the center of the back row and sit down.  
"Hey John" you say, interrupting his conversation with Jake  
"Yeah?" He asks  
"Go get me some popcorn"  
He raises his eyebrows, "say please?"  
"Just get the fucking popcorn, John"  
"Not until you say please" he says  
You groan, letting your head fall back against the seat dramatically "fine"  
You swing back upright and lean in close to his face  
"Pleeeeeeeease go get me some fucking popcorn"  
He grins and stands, "thank you"  
"And a medium Pepsi" you call after him  
John comes back with two large buckets of popcorn and four drinks  
"Here's your popcorn and your Pepsi" he says, handing you the bucket of popcorn and the soda  
You grin up at him and take them, "thanks, babe"  
John takes his seat again and passes the other drinks down to Jake and Dirk along with the other bucket of popcorn.  
You pull out your phone as commercials start to play and people start to fill the theater  
You open trollian to check your messages and frown as your eyes land on familiar teal text

 **\---gallowsCallibrator [GC]** is an idle troll

She's been idle since she left last week and you're starting to get worried  
"Who ya talkin to?" John asks, leaning over your shoulder to look at your glowing phone screen  
"No one" you snap, covering your phone screen  
"Is it Terezi?" he asks  
You turn on him, glaring, "I said it was no one, god John"  
His eyebrows shoot up and he leans back, easing both of his hands, "okay, sorry, I just haven't seen her around your place in a while and she's not with me and Dave so I was kind of wondering where-"  
"I don't give a fuck where she is" you snap, turning to face forward again indicating that the conversation is over  
John doesn't push it  
You shove your phone back into your pocket and slouch down in your seat, throwing your feet up in the seat in front of you  
The person in the seat turns around, leaning over to see around your feat  
"Can you please not put your feet there?" He asks  
"No" you say. You're in a bad mood and you are not feeling this shit right now.  
The guy looks taken aback and opens his mouth to say something else but you cut him off  
"I'm putting my feet here, move or deal with it, dude" you say  
He makes a face and moves a few seats down, grumbling something under his breath that you think is 'fuck you'  
"Fuck you too, buddy" you call  
"Vriska can you please not be rude" John pleads  
You turn to look at him, "I'm not, he started it"  
He opens his mouth to say something but apparently thinks better of it, probably knowing he's not going to convince you, and shakes his head, "you're ridiculous"  
The lights dim around you and the movie starts  
You don't really pay much attention, mostly you just stuff your face with popcorn and listen to Dirk's under the breath commentary. Overall it's pretty entertaining.

When the movie ends you part ways, saying your goodbyes to Dirk and Jake before making your way back home  
Beside you John talks excitedly about the movie but you're not listening, you're thinking about Terezi.  
Later, when you get home, you check your phone again to find the same message that has been on the screen since the day she left over a week ago

 **\---gallowsCallibrator [GC]** is an idle troll

**Terezi**

You're tired  
You're so tired  
You lay on the unmade bed, staring up at the crack running in the stained ceiling above you like you have been since you had the misfortune of waking up this morning  
No one else is in the apartment, not that you're not used to that by now, but the silence is almost suffocating  
Still, it's better than hearing him, his soft, painful words in that chain smokers voice. You tell yourself the silence is better.   
You blink and take a deep, shaking breath, tasting the stale air in the dark room and trying desperately to actually feel like you even filled your lungs.   
You should get up, it must be passed morning by now, the small amount of light that was coming through the closed blinds is fading and if Gamzee comes back and sees you laying around being depressed he will get mad and tell you that you’re useless and you know that you will agree with him.  
You let your eyes close again. It would be so much easier just to lay here, maybe even fall back asleep if you're lucky but then again you were never the lucky one.  
That was Vriska, always getting away with everything when you were kids. She could talk her way out of everything from forging your moms signature on a note from school to stealing your sisters liquor.  
She could unhinge her jaw and swallow the sun whole but the light never burned her throat.  
You wish you were like that, you always had really. Instead you just had to be the good one, the one who did what she was supposed to and only made trouble when it was technically legal and it always was, you made sure of that.  
You are not the sun, that was always her.  
Maybe if you were more like Vriska you wouldn't be laying here feeling so sick and alone. She didn't like Gamzee from the start, whatever it was that was bad in him, she had seen it when you couldn't. Vriska would never let someone treat her the way Gamzee treats you. Not that she should, Gamzee treats you like shit. At this point you’re pretty sure the only reason he hasnt just killed you in some fit of drugged rage is because then he wouldn’t be able to fuck you or beat the shit out of you when he’s pissed, which are two things he seems to enjoy a lot. And you let it happen.   
You try to tell yourself that you didn't let it happen, that you fought back, but looking back on everything that has happened since the first time he hit you in that tube slide you know that you hadn't.  
You should have known when he hit you for dropping a joint, you should have known when you saw your blood splatter in the white snow behind that cafe after you tried to stand up for yourself, you should have known when you felt like throwing up when he touched you, you should have known.  
You squeeze your eyes shut against the sudden pain of tears at the thought that this really was all your fault. You let him do this to you. You let him leave bruises on your skin and splits in your lip, you let him say things that made you want to throw up, you let him touch you whenever he wanted which just made you want to throw up more. But it's not that knowledge that hurts, no, what hurts is knowing that even after everything, you would let him do it again. You swallowed the sun, and the light burns, oh it burns you from the inside out.   
You push yourself up in bed, suddenly breathing fast, and curl in on yourself, pulling your bruised knees up against your chest and burying your face against them   
You don't want Gamzee to hurt you but at this point you find it hard to care what happens to you anymore. You're already covered in bruises, your body is stiff and sore from too many times getting pushed to the floor or into the wall, pain is a part of your life now and as much as you tell yourself you need to keep fighting you're too tired to even stay awake. You just want to see the sunlight, but he always keeps the blinds closed.  
Distantly, through the pounding in your ears, you hear the apartment door open and close.  
You feel your stomach fall and squeeze your eyes shut tighter, pressing your fingers hard into the bruised skin of your arms. You don't think you can do this, not right now while you’re so full of fear, but you have to, because if you don't he'll just hurt you more and you don't want that if for no other reason than that you're tired and it's hard to fall asleep when you're in pain.  
If you're lucky he'll be too tired to do or say much of anything to you, he'll just collapse in bed, slur something incoherent, and pass out asleep for hours  and you will spend those hours watching the sun, dreading when he wakes up. But again, you were never the lucky one.  
"Hey Tez" he drawls and you can tell by the smell that enters the room as he does and the sound of his voice that he's high on something, but then again when isn't he.  
The sound of Dave’s nickname for your in Gamzee’s mouth makes you sick and you can’t make yourself speak to answer him. When you don't answer you know he frowns, narrowing his eyes at you in that way that makes you very sure you're not going to make it out of this situation without some new bruises.  
"Tez" he says, his voice closer now. He must be standing over you, looking down at you through heavy fevered eyes   
You curl in tighter on yourself and hope for him to just go away, to give up and go to sleep so you can do the same, so you don't have to look at him, don't have to touch him, don't have to do anything but sleep.  
"Hey" he says, placing a large, bony hand on your shoulder. His skin is cold but it burns against yours like the surface of the sun.   
You tell yourself that this is just another game, like the ones you used to play in the summer together when you were kids. But you never felt like this when you mixed all the condiments at the diner together and dared each other to eat them, you never felt like this when you bet him you could eat more pizza pockets than him, you never felt like this when you sat up talking together as the sun grew dark and cold above you.   
You look up from your arms "h-hey Gamz, how was the show?” trying to keep your voice steady as your body shakes  
He shrugs, seeming satisfied that you finally spoke, and turns away from you  
"Not too motherfuckin bad, made some good cash off these high school kids I met in the pit" he says as he pulls his sweat sticky shirt up over his mess of dark hair.  
"What about you baby girl, you get your little ass up to anythin today?" He asks  
You're taken aback by the question, he hasn’t shown any interest in you in days, and you scramble for an answer besides just a nod, "um, yeah, I was just sleeping..."  
"Ain't that what you always doin?" He asks, kicking off his shoes and undoing his pants, letting them fall down around his ankles so that all he's wearing is a pair of purple polka dot boxers you're pretty sure he's had since you were in middle school  
"I guess..." you say, trying to keep the shakiness from reaching your voice  
He grunts in response and kicks his clothes into the corner, turning to face you  
You bite hard on the inside of your cheek as you look at him and try not to shake  
His eyes move over you, looking you up and down, and at that very moment your sure you're going to throw up  
"You look scared, baby girl" he says, letting his head tip to the side like he's trying to get a better look at you   
You shake your head, "I'm fine" you say but even you don't believe that  
He makes a face that says about the exact same thing and you look away, not sure what he wants but wishing he would just get on with it already so you can go back to sleep  
"I think you need to get your relaxin on" he says, placing his hand against your cheek and running his thumb along the bruised skin under your eye, "there ain't nothin to be afraid of"  
"I'm okay, really" you say, swallowing hard and leaning away from his touch. Both burn like a thousand suns in your chest and you feel yourself choking on fear.  
"Aw now baby girl don't be like that, you deserve a little relaxin" he says, placing his other hand on your shoulder.  
You go still, you're stomach twisting in dread  
"I'm okay Gamz, really, I just want to go to sleep"  
"You'll sleep better" he says, stroking your hair and causing you to cringe  
You're really shaking now, you don't know what to do  
"Come on baby girl" he says   
You bite your lip and feel your teeth break flesh, it would be easier to just let him do what he wants even if the idea of it makes you want to puke.   
You take a painful, shaking breath and slowly nod your head  
You feel him grin, "that's my good girl"  
He pushes you back onto the bed and climbs on top you, placing his hands on your sides  
He starts to kiss your neck, sucking at your pulse and you close your eyes as his hands move down  
He whispers lies against your bruised skin, he tells you what a good girl you are, how much he loves you, how this a going to be so good.   
You don't listen, you know he's lying through his broken teeth, instead you look for the sun through the closed blinds but the light is long gone so you close your eyes and think of a song to distract your mind from his bruising hands on your body.

 _"if you break_  
_just don't tell me_  
_and be my babe_ __  
To be my babe, to be my babe  
To be my babe, to be my babe  
To be my babe, to be my babe  
To be my babe, to be my-"

  
After, when he's smoked a cigarette and is asleep in bed beside you, you sit up in the mess of sheets and blankets and step out of bed, trying to ignore how sick you feel.   
You pick your way across the mess of clothes and old microwave meal containers on the floor, picking up a pair of underwear and a shirt that you think might be clean on your way to the bathroom.  
You flick on the light and close the door quietly behind you, the last thing you want to do is wake Gamzee up.  
You pull on your underwear and face the smudged mirror hanging on the door  
Your skin is covered in bruises of different colors, some blue some purple some yellow some green, there are the red marks on your neck and collarbones from where he kissed and bit and there are cuts and scars all over your arms and thighs.   
Unable to look at yourself anymore you turn away from the mirror and pull on the shirt you picked up from the floor, it falls down to your mid thighs, just enough to cover the worst of the self inflicted cuts, and you take a seat on the floor by the open window.   
Gamzee always keeps the blinds down in the bedroom, but in the bathroom you can see the sun as it sets outside.    
You don't  know if Vriska has even tried to contact you since you left, Gamzee doesn't like you talking to her or Dave or Karkat so you had to keep your phone hidden. Not that you would deserve it if she did message you. You left her and everyone else who cared about you to be with someone who hurt you.  
Your whole life you were never alone. You were always with someone, playing pirates with Vriska, talking with Gamzee through your open bedroom windows, laughing with Dave and Karkat at lunch. But now you're alone, and that's what terrifies you the most. You've lost everyone. You don't even try to tell yourself that you still have Gamzee, whoever that is sleeping in the other room he's not Gamzee, at least not really. Sometimes you see glimpses of him, little things he does that remind you of how he used to be, just enough to keep you holding onto the hope that you'll get him back but you know that you won't, he's gone, and the person that took his place has made you more alone than ever have before. You know you need to leave but you're afraid, you're so afraid.   
You watch the sun lower through the open window and think of that song from when you were with him in bed, the one that Vriska used to jump around your bedroom to back in high school, Not The Sun. You don't remember it all, the memory of that has blurred with time, but there was one part that always stuck. 

 _"Be my serene_  
_Tell me you know what I mean_  
_You've set on me_  
_But You are not the sun_  
_You are not the sun_

  
_Outside, I'm growin' roots again_  
_You set on me_  
_But you are not the sun_  
_You are not the sun_  
_You are not the sun_

  
_So let's pretend that you love me"_

**  
Dave**

"Yo Karkat the show is starting!" You call, turning up the volume on the tv and dropping the remote onto the futon beside you  
"Karkaaaaat" you call, letting your head roll back to the side to look in the direction of the kitchen  
"I'm coming, jesus, calm down!" He calls back  
There's some shuffling and quiet cursing and then he's walking into the living room carrying two mugs and a steaming plate.  
"You got the burritos?" You ask, sitting up and grinning at him  
He glares at you, "obviously I have the fucking burritos, dick for brains, they're right here on a plate that is currently burning the fuck out of my hand so move your feet so I can set it down"  
You take your feet off the coffee table and he sets the plate down, shaking off his hand  
"Ooo gimme" you say, holding out your hands for the mug  
"Calm down here's your apple juice" he says, shoving one of the mugs into your outstretched hands  
"Fuck yes!" You say, taking the mug into your hands and taking a big gulp as he walks around the coffee table to take a seat beside you just as the next episode of Broad City starts to play on the tv  
With your eyes on the tv you lean forward and take a burrito from the plate, taking a bite "I fuckin love this show dude" you say through a mouth full of burrito  
"I know, you say it like every their fucking episode" he says, reaching over to take the other burrito off the plate  
"That's cause it's a great show" you say, settling back against the futon  
There's a silence while you both stuff your faces and sip at your respective juices.  
"Have you heard from Terezi recently?"  
You stop chewing and look over at Karkat who is looking up at you with concern  
"Nah dude, not for a week or so" you say  
He bites his lip, "neither have I"  
"She's still with Vriska right?" You ask  
He nods, "last time I checked that's where she was but I haven't seen either of them in over a week. It's not like her not to be coming over like every other day to eat our food"  
"Maybe she's just been busy" you say, trying to calm the anxiety that is slowly filling your stomach  
"Busy with what, all she does is steal your clothes, eat our food, and fall asleep on the futon" he says  
"I'm sure she's fine, Kat" you say  
"What if she went back, Dave" he says, his voice quiet  
"She's not going to go back" you say but it sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself than him  
"You don't know what she's like with him, Dave. She's so smart but when it comes to Gamzee I swear to fuck she has sense of self preservation, look how long it took her to leave. Fuck I left before she did and he wasn't even hurting me, I mostly did it to get her to leave too" he says  
"It's not that easy to leave" you say, thinking back to all those times you tried not to cry while you held toilet paper to cuts from your sword fights with Bro, to all those times you hid food in your room so that you could eat, all those times you looked out your window at the crows sitting on the telephone wires and thought about leaving. But you never did leave, did you, not really. You ran away but you always came back, even though you knew you had other places to go. Because he was your Bro, he was your hero, he was the coolest, and he was a fucking terrible guardian.  
"Fuck, I know I just-I'm scared for her" he says  
You nod, shaking yourself from your thoughts, and throw your arm around his shoulders, pulling him against you  
"Me too, KK"  
You let your head rest on his, pressing your cheek into his messy hair and he rests his head rest on your shoulder  
"Me too"

 

 

 


	17. before you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For I'm so scared of losing you  
> And I don't know what I can do about it  
> About it  
> So tell me how long love before you go  
> And leave me here on my own I know it  
> I don't want to know who I am without you"  
> -Bear's Den- [Agape](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1MmYVcDyMs)  
>   
> Dave runs, Karkat cries, Rose is on hold, Vriska regrets being a bitch, John is a good hearted idiot, and Terezi does something objectively stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter since last year when I first decided I was going to post this. It has the point of views of all the characters (except Gamzee) and also contains some pretty serious violence so tw for that. I'm excited to post this, I really liked writing from all the different points of view in one chapter.  
> Also my knowledge of hospitals is pretty much comprised of what I've seen in Criminal Minds and what I saw that one time I had to drive my friend to the hospital in the snow.

**Terezi**

  
You're alone in the apartment and as you stand in the small dark room you share with Gamzee, pale purple light filtering through the blinds from the city outside making shapes like bars on the walls that you think are fitting for this place, you decide that you are going home if it's the last thing you do  
And it very well may be  
But you're going to try anyway

It's morning when he leaves  
You're already awake but you haven't gotten out of bed and you watch him from your place between the sheets, which really need to be changed, as he climbs out of bed and stretches in the pink morning light  
In the dimness of the room you can see him pulling on his shorts and you laugh hollowly into the sheets as he catches his foot and stumbles  
When he has steadied himself he leans into the darkness and you can see only his thin form against the dim light as he raises something to his lips and presses a lighter to the end of it  
The cigarette lights and there is that moment where all there is is silence and the glow at the end of the cigarette as he breaths in the smoke  
And then he opens his mouth and smoke dances from his lips through the pink light and dissipates into the darkness  
Letting out a satisfied sigh he turns to face you, one hand lazily holding the cigarette to the side and both arms through a shirt he is about to pull over his head of messy dark hair  
He smiles at you with his smoke stained teeth and you want to smile back and mean it, because from the outside this just looks like another nice morning, but from the inside its just another morning in a prison  
He tells you he's going to a taqwacore show down town to "make some motherfuckin cash money and see a coupla motherfuckers"  
You don't ask him when he's coming back  
He tells you that he'll be back by "sometime in the A-Ms"  
You tell him not to stay out too late  
You want to tell him to stay out forever  
When he leaves you just sit on the floor of the apartment with the lights off eating cherry jam out of the jar with a knife. It's one of the only things you have to eat in the apartment right now. Gamzee never goes grocery shopping and he doesn't like you leaving the apartment without him so you're left getting most of your food from take out. You never thought you would get tired of wonton soup but the thought of it is beginning to make you sick.  
You try to do something to distract yourself by starting to strip the bed but when you pull back the sheets to find a small stain of blood you abandon it. You think that it was from a fight you had last week, but really it could have been from last night too. There's blood drawn almost every night these days whether by a raised hand or a pressed knife or both.  
By midday you find yourself in the dark bedroom with a cup of untouched coffee looking at your white dragon backpack where it sits on a pile of dirty clothes under the window  
The light from outside turns it pale purple and you want to just take it and run  
By nighttime you decide to do just that  
It's stupid, you know it's stupid, he'll find you, he always does, but you don't care anymore  
So half an hour before 12:00 you find yourself standing in the small dark room you share with Gamzee with bars of purple light on the walls and your heart beating so loud that everything else is drowned in the silence  
You hold your phone in your shaking hands and look down at the blur of the screen between your fingers  
There's only a 43% charge but it's enough for what you need to do  
You open trollian and press hard on the blue blur of Vriska's screen name

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** began trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:34pm  
**GC** : Hey  
**GC** : I'm coming home  
**GC** : I'm sorry  
**GC** : For everything  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:34pm

You press the lock button on the phone and listen to the sound it makes echo through the heavy silence of the room  
You know this room by heart and with your dragon backpack held in one hand you gather the things you need  
Pyralspite, your clothes, your phone and charger, and the knife that Dave gave you  
You hold the small knife in your hands and look at it through the blur of purple light in the room  
It's a shitty replica of a weapon from some 90's anime that Bro got for Dave when he was thirteen. After he moved out Dave gave it to you, he said that it had always made him think of you, which is the only reason he ever liked it. The whole thing is in the shape of a red dragon curled around itself and when the head is pulled off a small blade is pulled from inside the body. It's a piece of shit but the blade is sharp and that's all you need  
You slip the blade back into the body of the dragon and shove it in the waistband of your shorts and then you find yourself standing alone in that room again, drowning in the darkness  
Gamzee always keeps the blinds closed, he likes to keep your life together hidden from the outside world because that's all you are now, something that shouldn't be happening. You always liked them open but arguing with him isn't worth the effort, what he says goes, you know that by now.  
But not anymore  
You pull the backpack onto your small shoulders, pad to the window and yank open the blinds.  
The city is all pink and purple and blue and you don't think that you've ever seen a more beautiful blur of colors in your life  
You stand there and look at those blurs and you think that soon you will be out there too  
You take a breath and with one last look at the purple blur of your prison, you turn around and don't look back  
It's so easy that you almost laugh when you walk out the door into the street  
You just stand there alone in the street, stuck in between, breathing in the heavy summer air and looking at the same blue blur of the city you saw through the bedroom window  
You're going home  
No matter what it takes

 

**Vriska**

  
The air is thick and wet and you can feel it dripping down your throat with every breath as you run  
But you're not worried about that right now.  
You hold your phone tightly in your sweaty hand as you run down the deserted street, breathing hard. The phone is silent and you want so badly to feel the vibration against your palm that indicates another incoming message. You haven't gotten any notifications since the first message came in. When you read it you immediately started running and haven't stopped.  
This can't be happening again. You can't let this happen again  
You are only aware of your phone pressing into your hand, the sound of your shoes hitting the asphalt and the purple and blue of the city around you.  
You think about the message as you run, your heart beating in your head

 **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** began trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:34pm  
**GC** : Hey  
**GC** : I'm coming home  
**GC** : I'm sorry  
**GC** : For everything  
**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** ceased trolling **arachnidsGrip [AG]** at 11:34pm

You tried messaging her back bug you haven't gotten any response since the first message. If she's not going to answer then you're going to find her and bring her home.

When you finally reach the apartment you push through the door, which has duct tape messily pressed over a large crack that's been there forever, and into the building. You climb the stairs two at a time until you reach the fourth floor where the heat in the air has become almost unbearable. You bang your fist hard on the door, making the apartment number 413 shake on loose screws, as you struggle to breath in the heavy air  
You're whole body is shaking now, you still don't notice  
You keep banging  
Finally you hear familiar heavy steps behind the door and your breathing slows  
"Alright alright I'm coming calm the fuck down, jesus fucking christ"  
The knob twists and the door is yanked open and on the other side stands Karkat, black hair a mess worthy of an anime protagonist, bleary eyes bruised with exhaustion and a look that says he either drank too much coffee and was crashing or he didn't sleep; or both  
When he sees you there is a moment of processing before his tired confusion deepens to his natural state of pissed the fuck off  
He rubs at his eyes, "Vriska? What the fuck are you doing here it's like 12:00 in the morning, I'm trying to sleep"  
"We both know you're not sleeping" you say, meeting his eyes and raising one perfectly shaped black eyebrow over the rim of your glasses "you're watching shitty rom coms,  
aren't you"  
He gives you what he must think is a nasty look but you do nasty looks better than anyone and that shit is weak  
"It was Stuck in Love, wasn't it?" you say, grinning  
"Fuck you, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, what the fuck are you doing at my apartment at 12:00 in the fucking morning" he snaps  
"I think this is John and Dave's house, actually, but its Terezi" you say, no longer grinning, and he must hear the fear in your voice because his body goes still and the bleariness fades from his eyes  
"What about her, what happened?" He demands  
"She's not answering her phone"  
"So, why does that matter?" He asks, rubbing at his eyes again  
"Because she went back to Gamzee's" you say  
This stops him with his small plump fist still rubbing at his face  
You pause and take a breath  
"And because she sent me this"  
You turn your phone to face him and in the blue glow of the screen you can see understanding seep in as he reads  
He presses his hand to his head, fingers pulling on his thick dark hair as his breath quickens  
"Fuck fuck fuck"  
He pauses and looks up from the phone at you, "why the fuck didn't you tell anyone she went back?" He demands  
"Look it's stupid and it doesn't matter right now, I already know I fucked up, okay? What matters is finding her"  
He takes a shaky breath, looking at the floor again with his hand still pressed to his head  
He's pressing so hard that you're pretty sure that shit is gonna bruise  
Finally he lifts his tired eyes to meet yours  
"When did she leave?" he asks  
"About a week ago"  
He bites down hard on his bottom lip, "we can't let her stay there"  
"Why the fuck do you think I'm here?" you ask  
He starts to give you his lame ass attempt at a nasty look but stops and stills  
He takes a deep breath, curling his small hands into fists, and breaths out  
"Be right back"  
He turns back into the apartment and runs back out pulling on his shoes with his phone between his teeth  
He looks up at you with determination in his big tired eyes and nods  
You take his hand, wrapping your thin fingers around his wrist and pressing them hard into his warm skin, and start running  
Running  
That's all you can concentrate on  
That and the storm gathering above you  
Gray clouds gather in the sky and begin to drown the city in blue  
It doesn't make a difference to you, you're already drowning  
But you're going to keep running and you're not going to stop until you find her  
You're not letting this happen again  
Before you were only focused on yourself  
You laid in the the middle of the empty street at 1 in the morning, you passed out drunk at the train station, you got high and walked through the drive through of a McDonald's, you hooked up behind a Waffle House and stole their coffee mugs, you threw shit just to watch it break and you didn't even notice that Terezi was breaking too  
Now all you can think about is her, your sister, the person you care about more than anything else on this shitty ass planet, and you know what you have to do  
You have to find her. Because you're not letting this happen again.  
Not ever again.

 

**Terezi**

  
You need to walk faster  
The city hums with life around you as you find your way through its streets  
The summer air is warm on your cold body and you hug yourself tight, pressing fingers into cold bruised skin. Your fingers move around the gardens of bruises and scars, some old and some new, and you feel the dull pain of your own touch  
The weight of your dragon backpack on your shoulders and the feeling of your knife pressing against your side offer some comfort but your stomach is still sick  
You're going to the gas station to pick up a pack of cigarettes, not because you smoke, only when Gamzee forces you too, but cigarettes are your way out, your way home. Wherever that even is anymore.  
You do like to watch the way that the end erodes and gives off smoke into the air but what you need is an excuse to go to the gas station  
Sometimes when he smokes beside you you just watch the end turn into smoke and dissipate in the air and you want so badly to be that free  
It's the taste and smell of them you don't like. It reminds you of him. And you don't want to think about him.  
You walk fast to the gas station down the street, eyes fixed on the glowing lights of safety and you've never been happier to see a shitty gas station  
But you can't be happy, that's just not how it works  
You don't hear him until he speaks  
His steps always were unnervingly silent.  
"Hey baby girl"  
You stop cold and press your fingers harder into your skin  
You don't feel the pain  
When you don't answer he says it again  
"Baby girl", this time with something in his voice that you should probably be afraid of  
But you were never afraid of him, not really, you stopped caring about yourself too long ago for that  
You still don't answer or turn to face him, you can't bring yourself to do anything but stare at the your feet on the dirty ground  
He grabs your backpack and yanks you back, spinning you around to face him and the force of it makes you stumble forward, terribly close to him  
Leaning in so he's looking directly down at you he says, "I said motherfuckin HEY, sister"  
You can't bring yourself to meet his eyes  
You know you'll see the fever there, his eyes haven't been clear in years, and so you don't look, because it hurts to see those bleary eyes, it hurts so much you want to scream  
He grabs your chin and jerks your head up so that you're forced to look at him  
You still keep your eyes away from his  
"What, you not gonna answer me? That's some motherfuckin rudeness right there, little sister."  
You stay silent  
You know that you should just answer him, it's always easier that way, but as hard as you try your lips just can't form words  
You know you have to if you have any chance of getting to that gas station  
"Hey Gamzee" you say, forced and quiet  
"What you all up and getting your do on to with pack the magic dragon here?" He asks, pulling on the strap of your backpack and jerking you forward  
His voice is calm, dripping sweet like honey, but you know better. You can hear the threat just under the surface, and you know better than to crack it.  
"I remembered you said you were almost out of cigarettes so I was just walking to the gas station to get some" you say  
You hold your breath and try to stop your body from shaking  
He grins, "aw baby girl, up and gettin ma mothafuckin ciggs for me"  
He wraps an arm around you, pulling you to him, and by instinct you immediately try to pull away  
The smile drops from his face and your stomach drops with it. You look down quickly.  
"Now I know you ain't getting your motherfuckin resist on with me" he says, threat easily pushing its way to the surface  
You stay quiet, not knowing what to say or how to even speak  
He grabs your face and roughly jerks your chin up so that you are forced to look at him. "Motherfuckin get your look on at me when I'm flappin ma trap at you" he says.  
You force yourself to look at him and you feel that all too familiar pain of the fever in his eyes  
He grins, "that's a good girl, now do I all up be be getting an apology for that rudeness?" He asks, grin expectant  
You're shaking  
You know you have to answer. If you don't there's no way you're getting to that gas station so you take a breath and say, "I'm sorry"  
Your voice is shaking and it's difficult to talk with his his hand still holding your jaw but at least you said it, that's something  
He grins again and loosens his grip on you, "that's my good girl" and then he's roughly pressing his lips against yours  
You don't think, again instinct takes over and you roughly jerk away, stumbling back with the force of it  
As soon as you see his face you know you fucked up  
You reach out your hands to apologize, "Gamzee pl-" but in a movement so fast you can't even follow it he's punched you hard In the face.   
You double over clutching your face and he shoves you hard against the wall with his hand fisted in your shirt  
"I'm sorry!" You cry, voice choking in your throat  
There's a pause and you're whole body is shaking, why are you so afraid? You haven't been afraid of him in a long time but now you've got something, you need to go home and you have a chance to do it and you can't loose that chance  
Through shallow breaths you speak again, "please, I'm sorry I-"  
He takes a fistful of your hair and then he is pressing his lips against yours again, more roughly than before  
This time you can't jerk away because of his hand in your hair keeping you in place  
You should kiss back, you know it would make this easier, but the thought makes you sick. With his lips on yours you want to scream. But still you close your eyes and kiss him back.  
There was a time when you enjoyed doing this. He'd kiss you on the forehead and you'd kiss him on the nose, making sure to make them all spitty and gross, and you would both be laughing and pushing each other off the bed by the time Karkat came in to yell at you for being "too fucking loud" because "jesus christ its 3am" and you would stop and look at him and just start laughing again  
Now the feeling of him even touching you makes you want to scream  
But you keep kissing him  
Because you want to be free, like the smoke from his cigarettes  
You want to go home so badly it hurts  
And you're going to everything you can to get there  
Even if it's the last thing you do  
And it very well may be

 

**John**

  
It is so damn hot tonight  
You're walking home from work alone tonight as Rose had the day off  
You were supposed to hang out with Vriska but you checked and she isn't home. She must be out or something  
Oh well. You'll just go home to Dave. Maybe you can get him and Karkat to watch some movies with you or something.  
As you're debating whether or not to call Vriska or just head home there's a noise  
It's a voice and sounds choked, like whoever is trying to speak can't breath, and its coming from somewhere near you  
You can't make out any words and you think that it's probably just some drunk asshole yelling in the street again but when the voice gets louder you pick up your pace  
You come to a stop at a small alley beside Ms. Paint's Diner and press yourself against the cold concrete wall  
"Hey, uh, is everything okay back there?" You ask, voice shaky  
You don't think that's what you should have said but you don't know what you should have said so that's going to have to do  
When there's no response but another pained noise you turn the corner and stumble to a stop on the pavement  
There are two people in the alley but neither of their faces are visible to you. The person you can see the most of is a tall, dirty looking boy with dark hair pulled back into a little bun. You can't make out anything about the other person behind the boy but you can see that they are much smaller than him  
The boy turns his head to look over his shoulder at you. His face is familiar, the sharp poorly healed broken nose, the heavily lidded purple eyes and of course the three pale scars that cross his face, making paths in his dark skin  
Gamzee Makara. You haven't seen him in months, not since the the party where he attacked Equius and Nepeta  
When he turns you get a look at the other person too and you find yourself looking at another familiar face you haven't seen in a weeks  
You look at her, unable to move as the milky blind eyes of Terezi Pyrope look back at you  
Her pale almond eyes are red ringed like she's been crying. Her cheek is bruised, there's blood on her lips and her whole body is shaking. Her face is blank but something is wrong, you can feel it, and you always trust your gut so you speak up, "Terezi?"  
You don't acknowledge Gamzee, which apparently pisses him off, because when her lips part to speak he cuts in before she can reply  
"Yeah that's her, what of it brother?" he asks, voice hard and sharp and tinged with poorly disguised threat  
You don't know if he's trying to hide it and is just that shitty at it or if he just doesn't care  
You shift uncomfortably on your feet and rub the back of your neck with your sweaty hand  
"I just finished my shift and I was about to head home but I was looking for Terezi" you say  
It's not entirely a lie. Dad always told you not to lie, but here you think it's probably needed  
He narrows his eyes, "now just why the motherfuck are you lookin for little Rez here?"  
Your mouth goes dry, "Uh, I was going to see if her and Vriska were still coming over to watch a movie" you say  
Gamzee turns his head to look at Terezi who's eyes have gone wide with fear  
You said something wrong  
Fuck  
"Now why the motherfuck is that?" He asks, speaking to her now  
She presses back against the wall and shakes her head  
"It was just- I was going to-"  
"So what I'm all up and gettin my motherfuckin understand on to is that you told me some false fuckin truth"  
You can see his fist tighten in her short black hair and she takes a sharp breath  
"No I just-"  
He breaks in, "and that you were thinkin to all up and be getting your tiny ass outta here again"  
"No I-"  
"That's what this cute little motherfucker here is for" he says, grabbing one of the straps of her dragon backpack and shaking her roughly  
"I-"  
You need to say something  
"Is there a problem here?" You ask, voice hard  
They both go still. Gamzee turns his head to face you and Terezi looks at you sharply with her pale sightless eyes  
"There ain't no problem, isn't that right baby girl?" Gamzee says, looking pointedly at Terezi. She nods her head stiffly  
He looks back at you, "see, ain't no motherfuckin problem up in here, n' even if there was bein a problem it wouldn't be any a your fuckin business now would it?"  
"Actually no, it is my business" you say, the sharpness in your voice growing  
He looks at you hard, "and how the motherfuck is that?"  
"Because Terezi is my friend" you say, curling your fingers into a fist and taking a step forward  
His eyes narrow, "what the motherfuck do you all up and be meanin by that, brother?"  
"I mean that if there's a problem here" you press your fingers hard into the sweaty palm of your hand and take another step forward, "I'm going to have to do something"  
He pauses with his fevered eyes on you and grins and the force of it pulls his pale scars across his face in a way that is wholly unnerving, "and just how the motherfuck you gonna do that?"  
You take another small step forward, "well if you don't back the fuck off, I'm going to kick your ass"  
Gamzee pulls his lips back to bear his smoke stained teeth, "I'd like to see you up and fuckin' try, brother"  
He lets go of Terezi, shoving her back against the wall, and turns to face you fully  
He's tall, like really tall, 6'6" at least, and you've seen what he can do, he put Equius and Nepeta in the hospital, but you plant your feet on the pavement and stand your ground  
You both move to step forward but Terezi stops you  
"John" she says and you both stop and look at her  
She's standing straight now and she's looking at you hard with her milky white eyes  
You open your mouth to reply but she speaks first, "there isn't a problem," she says, voice forced  
"Terezi-" you start but she cuts you off again  
"I said there isn't a problem. You can leave, John"  
"No, I'm not leaving unless you leave with me" you say  
"Sorry to up and be tellin ya, but that ain't gonna be happenin, brother" Gamzee says  
"Then I'm not leaving" you say matter of factly  
Gamzee curls his hands into fists and takes a step forward but Terezi steps in front of him, putting herself between you, "I said, LEAVE"  
"Bu-"  
"LEAVE, JOHN"  
Her voice is sharp and strong but underneath there's something else  
"But I can beat him, I'm not leaving without you" you say  
She bites down hard on her bottom lip and curls her small hands into fists, "no, you CANT"  
She looks at you and you can see that she's scared, but she stands her ground  
"You need to go, John. Now" she says and you look at her, trying to tell her that it will be okay, that you will come back, but she's blind, she can't see you  
You look up at Gamzee and then back at her and with a nod you turn on the dirty pavement and out of the alley  
As soon as you're back on the sidewalk you pull out your phone and press it to your ear. It's cold against your sweaty skin and you realize that you can hear your heart beating in the silence between calls  
You know that the ringtone is Smoke Weed Every Day by Snoop Dog and find yourself humming it while you wait  
Finally he picks up  
"Yo, Dave Strider here, what can I do ya for?"  
"Dave, I found Terezi", and that's all you have to say  
"Where?" He asks  
"by Ms. Paint's"  
There's a pause and then, "I'm coming"  
The phone goes silent and you're left standing there alone in that deserted street under the flickering lights of the diner sign, helplessly waiting

 

**Dave**

  
You are cool as fuck if fuck was a thing that could have measurable temperature  
You are also hot as fuck and bored as fuck  
You've been laying on the futon in the apartment since you came home from work a half hour ago and you haven't had the energy to move but your body bitches that it wants some food so you haul your ass up off the futon and pad into the kitchen  
The peeling blue and white linoleum tiles are dirty beneath your bare feet and you have to remember to tell John to clean, the dirty dishes have made a mountain again and you're not fucking doing it this time because it's hot and you're tired and you always get stuck doing it  
You pad to the fridge and yank open the door, causing the whole thing to shake  
It's a piece of shit, but it's your piece of shit, complete with fluorescent lights that do that annoying humming thing and go out fucking constantly, stains you don't know the source of, and a smell that can only be from the bean burrito incident of July 2014  
You dig through the shit in the fridge, ignoring the fake ass anime sword on the top shelf and the TV remote behind the week old mac and cheese, you were wondering where that was, until you find the best thing that currently inhabits your shitty fridge, cold pizza  
Hell.  
Fucking.  
Yes.  
Grabbing the remote, the half empty container of AJ and the whole pizza box you pull out three pieces and toss it onto the coffee table  
You plop back on the futon and begin shoving the first piece of pizza in your mouth, washing it down with apple juice straight from the container with your eyes on some anime Dirk had suggested  
Of course you told him no fucking way but you totally watched it anyway  
You also totally didn't cry  
Just as you are pulling the crust off of the second piece of pizza, it's the best part everyone who disagrees can suck a dick, you hear 'every day, weed every day, smoke weed, smoke weed, every day'  
You let your head fall back with a groan and grabbing the rest of the pizza without crust you haul yourself off the couch and walk to the bedroom, shoving the pizza in your mouth as you do  
You find your phone on the stack of vinyls beside your bed and look at the screen  
The call is from the contact 'Eggbutt' and you laugh through a mouth full of pizza at the shitty dick butt that you drew on Ms Paint that serves as his contact picture before tossing the rest of the pizza onto you bed, pressing the phone against your ear and pressing it between your head and shoulder so you can wipe your greasy hands on your shirt  
"Yo, Dave Strider here, what can I do ya for?"  
"Dave"  
There's a beeping car and some yelling drunks in the background so you figure that he's on his way home from work and wants you to order take out  
You open your mouth to tell him it's Thai or nothing but he cuts you off, "I found Terezi"  
You go completely still  
"Where?" You ask  
"by Ms. Paint's"  
You're already pulling on your shoes, red vans with dicks drawn in sharpie all over them, when you respond, "I'm coming"  
And then you grab the rest of the pizza off the bed, shove it in your mouth and run out the door

 

**Terezi**

  
As you watch John leave you know that there's a good chance you're not getting home tonight, or ever  
But you knew that when you told him to leave and you still did it. He could never fight Gamzee, he would have killed him, and it would have been your fault.  
And so you watch him walk away, knowing that as he does he takes your last chance to get out with him, but you're okay with it. This isn't his problem, it's yours, and you're not going to let him get hurt because of it.  
When he walks out of view a heavy silence settles in the air  
You take a breath of hot summer air, bite hard on the inside of your cheek, and turn to face Gamzee before he can make you face him  
He's not going to make you do anything anymore  
He's looking at you and your body shakes but you force yourself to stand still and look at the blur of his face  
"Now just what the motherfuck was that all up and about?" He asks, letting his head fall slowly to the side  
"Nothing, John's an idiot" you say  
He looks at you for a long time and you look back  
Everything is still and soundless but for your breathing and your heart beating  
"You be up and in the right bout that motherfucker, but I think you be gettin your lie tellin on with me, baby girl"  
You put up your hands and shake your head, "I was just-"  
"Just what? Lyin to me?"  
"No, I'm not lying, I promise"  
He gives you a hard look like he's deciding weather or not to believe you  
"Ima choose to up and believe you, but I better not find out you lyin to me"  
You can feel it in you then, that false flower of hope that you can go home with him and everything will be okay  
But hope has never done shit for you, you crushed that flower a long time ago  
He turns to go and everything in you tells you to go with him, because he's giving you a chance at safety, you can get out of this without any pain if you just go with him, but you know you can't, because if not now he will do it again, and again, and again, and he will never let you leave, you'll let him kill you and maybe you already have but you have to at least try to get out, you have to fight.  
So you stay where you stand on the dirty pavement and force out, "no"  
He turns back to look at you  
"I said lets motherfuckin go" he says, and it's an order this time  
"And I said no" you say, biting hard on the inside of your cheek  
He narrows his eyes and takes a step toward you and you have to force yourself to stay where you are  
"What the motherfuck did you just say to me?" He asks  
You take a breath, curl your hands into fists and close your eyes, "I said no, Gamzee"  
He pauses to take you in, fevered eyes looking you up and down, "baby girl I think you need to be reconsidering what you be all up and sayin to me"  
"Or what? You'll hit me?" you ask, almost like a dare  
His eyes narrow further, "not if you be shuttin your mouth and gettin your little ass home" he says  
"So what? You can hit me even harder where no one will see?"  
"Baby girl..." he says, words dripping with warning  
"DONT, call me that"  
"I'll call you what I want, you're mine" he says  
"No I'm not, I'm nothing remember!"  
"Aw come on baby girl, you know it ain't like that...I love ya..."  
"I said, IM NOT YOUR BABY GIRL!"  
He stills and looks at you and his face falls calm, "Fine, Terezi, come the fuck home"  
"No, that's not my home and I'm not going back there"  
"Baby gir-Terezi, come the fuck on" he says, now impatient, fingers curling into fists  
He takes a step towards you and you instinctively back up, "I said no, Gamzee" you say and you try to put force into it but it's not there  
"You be testin my last nerve little sister, come the fuck on or ima drag ya home kickin and screamin and then maybe we'll see about that hittin ya harder shit" he says, taking another step toward you  
You step back and you feel your back hit the cold concrete wall  
You can feel yourself shaking  
He sees that you can't move and he grins at you with his cigarette yellow teeth, "change your mind?" He asks, letting his head fall lazily to the side in questioning. You don't answer. He pats your cheek and you flinch away, "That's what I up and thought, now come on, be a good girl"  
He reaches to take your wrist and you pull back so hard you hit the wall and feel blood where your elbow scraped the concrete   
"Don't touch me!" You yell  
Then your fingers are at your side and the knife is in your hand before you even realize you've pulled it out.   
His eyes widen just a fraction and he looks back up at you  
"Now what the mother fuck do you think you gonna do with that piece of shit?" He asks, looking down at you with a grin and letting out a breath of laughter  
"I said don't fucking touch me" you warn  
He just laughs and takes your arms, wrapping his hot fingers painfully tight around your wrists  
You tighten your sweaty fingers around the handle of the knife and close your eyes  
You move the knife  
He curses and lets go of you, stumbling back. You open your eyes and stare down at the blood dripping through where his fingers are pressed to a cut on his forearm and the bloody knife in your hand  
You take a shaky breath and bite hard on the inside of your cheek  
You want to scream  
"The motherfuck was that?" He asks  
"I'm leaving, Gamzee" you say, because if you don't say it now you won't be able to do it  
"Oh you are? You wanna up and tell me why?" He asks, unnervingly calm  
"Why the fuck do you think!?" You yell  
He shrugs and puts up his hands, "dunno, baby girl, that's up and bein your problem"  
You press your fingers so hard into your palm you feel them breaking skin and shake with anger, "I shouldn't have to tell you, you know, I know you do"  
"And just what is it that you say I be up and knowin on the supposed?" He asks, tipping his head to the other side and raising his eyebrows  
You bite hard on the inside of your cheek and taste blood  
"What you're doing to me" you say through your teeth  
"Doin up and what?" He asks and you press your fingers into your palm harder  
"What you've been doing to me for years, what you'll keep doing to me if I don't leave"  
"I ain't go no ideas a what you're up and gettin your talk on about" he says  
"You're really going to act like you don't know, really Gamzee?"  
"I'm up and confused as fuck to what you're flappin about, I ain't done shit to you"  
You clench your teeth and try to stop shaking, you have to stay calm, "you didn't do shit?" You ask, voice rising through shaking breaths  
"What, shit like this?" You hold out your arm to show the bruises covering your skin, "or this?" You pull down the collar of your shirt to show the deep bruising on your neck and chest, "or this?" You look him in the eyes and touch the side of your face that he just hit, running your fingers over the fresh bruises and dried blood  
"You're going to look me in the eyes and say you didn't do this?" You ask  
He tips his head to the side, inspecting your bruises like he's trying to decide if they're real or not  
His face stays calm, impassive, and he shrugs his shoulders, "who says that ain't your own fault?"  
You take a shaking breath and distantly you feel blood on your palms  
You're not going to let him convince you it's your fault, not this time  
"It's my fault?" You ask, letting out a breath of shaky laughter. "I called myself worthless until I believed it?" You ask "I beat myself until I passed out?" Your voice is rising. "I pushed myself down and- and just- did whatever the fuck I wanted!?"  
You're really shaking now. Seeing it hurt, saying it is agony, and you have to bite your lip to keep from just screaming at the dark sky above you  
You don't even notice the tears that are starting to drip down your face  
He looks at you in impassive silence, "that's what you be up and thinkin?" He asks, "girl you ain't knowin shit"  
He steps closer and your fingers tighten around the now blood sticky knife  
"What don't I know!?" You yell, voice breaking as you squeeze your eyes shut against tears  
"Tell me what I don't know Gamzee, fucking tell me!" You scream. You know you're breaking down but you don't care anymore, tears are pouring down your face and you're making no effort to stop them  
He's silent and still with his eyes on you, "what you don't know? Oh little sister, little baby sister, you ain't got your know on to nothin"  
He looks you up and down and raises his eyes to yours  
"Why the fuck you think I do that shit for?" He asks  
You bite down hard on your lip and dig your fingers deeper into your palm, "I've been asking myself that question for the last three years" you say, words bitter  
"Well then baby girl, here's your answer"  
He leans closer to you and slips one finger under your chin, pushing your head up so that you're looking at him, "whatever I up and did, I did 'cause a you" he says, moving his hand so that his palm is pressed to your cheek and running his thumb over your bloody lips  
You want him to stop touching you, you want to pull back but you can't, you have to hear what he has to say  
He leans closer, "maybe if you didn't be pissin me off so much I wouldn't up and have to be doin those bad bad things now would I, besides" he says, looking you up and down, "your ass deserved it"  
You clench your teeth and shove him back hard  
He stumbles but stays on his feet and when he steadies himself he stands looking down at you, all unnerving calmness. He wants you to know that he's allowing this, that you're not in control, he is, but you're not taking that, not anymore  
"No" you say  
"No what?" He asks  
You look up at him, "no, I didn't deserve that"  
He looks down at you in disgust. "You didn't deserve it? Oh baby girl let me up and count the ways you motherfuckin did"  
He pauses and looks at you intently "you ain't be deservin shit more then that, you're a fuckin worthless little bitch" he says. You tense, it's not even close to the worst thing he's said to you but it still hurts, it hurts so much you can't breath  
You told yourself you wouldn't take this anymore, you told yourself he was wrong.  
You think about your friends, Vriska, Karkat and Dave, and how much you know they care about you, and you know that even if you can't see it, you must be worth something to them. Which means you're not worthless, and you're not going to let him tell you that you are, not anymore.  
"You can't be gettin you do onto anything up on the correct, always makin me gotta set ya straight. You up and disrespect me, fuckin disobey me. You're fuckin useless, you ain't got no worth, no motherfuckin value, all you up and bein is a cute face and a good fuck, nothin else"  
His words are meant to hurt and they do, they hurt so bad that your whole body is in pain and all you want is to just go to sleep  
Maybe letting him kill you wouldn't be so bad  
"You think you can be up and leavin? You mother fuckin think you be up an havin the right to leave? That ain't no shit for you to motherfuckin decide, you don't got no say. Even if ya did you'd never do it. Ya ain't got no one else but motherfuckin me. No one else gonna want your worthless little ass, why would they? You ain't gonna leave, you ain't gonna fuckin dare"  
You're shaking and you can't breath. Your head is screaming that he's right, of course he's right, you are worthless, you're nothing, but you know he's wrong, there are people who care about you, you know they do, and you're not going to let him take that away from you anymore  
"No!" You yell, "I'm not letting you tell me I'm alone anymore, I have my friends, they've always been there with me. YOU'RE the one that made me alone, not me, it was always you!"  
He laughs and you have to push down the sick feeling in your stomach at the sound  
He stops laughing and looks down at you with an almost sad smile, "baby girl, ya still don't be gettin why I do it"  
"No, I do, I know why you do it" you say with a sudden certainty in your voice  
He raises his eyebrows, "oh really, now what is it that you think you up and know? C'mon, spit"  
You don't hesitate, not this time "you do it because you're a coward"  
He goes still and looks down at you with an unreadable face, eyes both focused and unfocused  
"And what is it that up and be makin me so?" He asks  
You take a breath, you can do this  
"You don't want to deal with your own problems so you take them out on me, you use me as an excuse to be the fucking cruel piece of shit that you are" you take a breath and you can hear your heart beating in your head.  
You look at him, as intently as you can with your blind eyes and you feel something in your chest that you think might be fear but it's not, it's pain, all he ever causes is pain. "I don't know why you get so angry, I don't know why you hurt me, but I know it wasn't because of me, and I know that I didn't deserve anything you did to me. I'm not going to let you make everything my fault anymore"  
"Oh baby girl, you don't get to up and decide what you let and don't let me get my do onto, you know that" he says  
"No, I don't know that" you say  
He shakes his head and moves closer to you, "you be up and tryin to tell me ya didn't deserve it? Oh baby girl, oh little baby girl, you still don't know shit" he focuses his eyes on yours and you go still in a fear you can't get rid of no matter how hard you try. "You ain't got no say, not a single one a them motherfuckin says" he says.  
You press your fingers into your bloody palm and tighten your grip on the knife  
"Yes I do. You're the one that doesn't have a say in my life, not anymore"  
He laughs and the sound makes you sick  
He stops laughing and looks at you, shaking his head, "oh baby girl why won't ya listen that ya don't up and know no motherfuckin shit, that ain't the way this works. You want a motherfuckin say, you gonna have to fight for it"  
You look at the blur of his face and move the knife just as he slams you against the wall. Your head hits the concrete and everything goes out of focus  
When you focus again you don't think, you just plunge the knife somewhere, anywhere  
He curses and drops you as he stumbles back. His breathing is uneven as he presses his hand to his bloody shoulder. He looks up at you from his bloody palms with something unreadable on his face and for a second everything is still, then he grabs hold of your wrist and you slash out blindly. Everything is a blur and you don't stop to look at him through the haze, you just swing  
It isn't until his hands aren't on you that you stop and open your eyes  
You find yourself looking at the blur of a person you haven't seen a long time. He's shaking and breathing hard, hand pressed to his side where blood is dripping through his parted fingers  
He speaks through the blood on his lips, "Terezi...please stop...you're hurting me"  
You feel like you've been punched in the stomach  
You look at him with your lips parted and you know that you can't do this  
"Oh god" you say "oh god what have I done"  
Your fingers uncurl from the blood sticky knife and it clatters to the pavement at your feet with a sound like thunder  
Or maybe it's just starting to storm, you don't know and you don't care  
You hold out your hand to him, "I-I'm sorry" you say through shaking breaths  
He looks at you and for a second part of you think that it's all going to be okay, but you're not thinking, if you were you wouldn't have dropped the knife  
As soon as you step forward the pain disappears from his face and his lips pull into a snarl over his smoke stained teeth  
You see it coming in a blur  
He hits you hard across the face and the force of it makes you stumble back against the wall, hitting your head  
When you focus the normal blur of your vision is blearier. Everything is shaking and you can't hear anything but the beat of your heart and your breathing  
You open your mouth to speak but he shoves you again and everything turns to a blurry darkness as you feel yourself hit the dirty ground.  
When you focus again you're on the ground, hands pressed to the dirty pavement, and you're struggling to breath  
There is a dull pain in your wrist and a pounding in your head but you barely even notice it, everything is a blur  
He kicks you hard and all you feel is dull, throbbing pain as you curl in on yourself on the ground  
His foot connects with your side and you feel something inside of you crack  
You hear yourself scream  
There is one last kick that makes more bone crack and then he's hauling you up by the hair. When he has you on your feet he slams you hard into the wall. Your head hits the concrete and you see light spots.  
His lips are moving but you can't hear anything and there is blood on his face. His fists are twisted in your shirt and he has you held up off the ground. You kick your feet in the air and struggle but it does nothing,  
You try to focus  
"What the motherfuck you thinkin, you think you can beat me, oh baby you gonna fuckin regret this" he says, a manic grin spreading across his face  
You hate that grin, you hate that grin so fucking much, and in that moment you know that he's wrong, you don't regret this at all  
You look him in the eyes, grin right back, and spit blood in his face  
He screams in rage and grabs you by the neck  
Your hands are on his and you're trying to pull them off but everything is out of focus and your hands are useless against him even as you dig your nails into his skin as hard as you can  
Just as everything is starting to go black his hands leave your neck and you stumble, coughing as you take breath painfully into your lungs  
You meet his eyes, just as blurry as yours, and then he shoves you back. When you hit the wall you find that you're at the back of the alley.  
He raises his hand and you put your arms up to shield your face but he shoves them aside and hits you. You don't know how long he stands there, punching you over and over again, but you do know that everything is a dark blur of pain as you curl in in yourself and wait for it to stop. You try to speak in the space between the blows but he doesn't give you the chance, "Gamzee please" you choke out, "s-stop, please stop." Anything to get him to stop, anything to stop the pain. He doesn't hear you and if he does he doesn't care. He grabs your arm and throws you hard to the ground. You feel something in your forearm break and you scream again, hands sticky with blood pressed to the pavement  
Your eyes focus on the knife on the pavement beside you and you reach for it but his foot comes down on your hand and you cry out in pain  
"Uh uh uh, where the fuck you think you're goin baby girl?" He asks  
Then he's on top of you and his hands are holding you down. A grin spreads across his scarred face and he raises his fist, stained with your blood  
You reach out and your fingers curl around the knife. You look up and meet his eyes through the blur, and this time you don't hesitate.   
You plung the knife into his leg and he screams in and goes for the knife but you pull it away  
He takes your hands in his and turns the knife to face you. The knife is at your chest and you're staring down the blood sticky blade as you keep your hands in his and try to hold the knife away from you but your body is aching and your mind is broken. You're so tired. He meets your eyes and you see nothing there, nothing of the boy you used to care about so much. That's when he plunges the knife into your chest and everything stops.   
There is a distant sound and then Gamzee's weight is off of you and the knife falls from his hand onto the pavement  
The noise is a voice, it's softly spoken, or maybe you're just starting to loose consciousness, it all just sounds like noise to you  
You see Gamzee get to his feet and then the knife is in a different hand, this one smaller and darker skinned, and everything blurs  
You don't know what's happening, but you think you might be dying and you think you might be okay with it

 

**John**

  
Now that you've called Dave you stop in the middle of the street and stand in the heavy summer air  
You sit down on the sidewalk and press a sweaty hand to your head, breathing in the smell of hot asphalt  
You don't know how long you sit there but somewhere in the silence everything shifts into focus  
You hear screaming  
You jump to your feet and run as fast as you can down the street, shoes hitting hard on the hot asphalt like the beat of a heart  
When you stumble back into the ally you stop and take a deep shaking breath  
There's blood on the pavement, that's the first thing you see. The second is Terezi and Gamzee.  
He's holding her pressed against the ground with his body  
You see the knife then, held between them with Gamzee's large hands on the handle and Terezi's small hands on his. The knife is facing Terezi and she is holding it back but you can see that she's hurt  
So you do the only thing you know how to do, you run in there like an idiot  
Gamzee doesn't notice you until you've pushed him off of Terezi and onto the blood sticky pavement  
He hits the ground hard and the knife clatters from his hand  
You pick it up, wrapping your fingers around the warm sticky handle, and face Gamzee  
He has gotten himself to his feet and is looking at you with unfocused purple eyes with blood gathering in the corner of his lips  
He doesn't look good, he's covered in blood and struggling to stay on his feet  
"What the motherfuck you doin here, I recall you bein told to all up and LEAVE, brother" he says, words slightly slurred  
"Get away from Terezi" you say  
He laughs but it's shaky and wet through the blood on his lips  
"It don't matter now, baby girls real hurt" he says, glancing down at where Terezi lays shaking on the ground, "think you got to comin a little too late"  
You look hard at him, "leave her alone and get the hell out of here or I swear to god I will use this knife"  
Gamzee looks at you hard with his unfocused eyes and looks down at Terezi who is trying to push herself up  
She manages to get herself upright enough to meet your eyes before spitting blood at Gamzee's feet "fuck you, clown!"  
His face twists in rage and he kicks her hard in the side of the head "shut your mouth!"  
Your sweaty fingers tighten around the sticky knife handle, "I said GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE"  
You bring the knife down hard  
He screams in pain and when you pull the knife back hes stumbling back, his feet turn on the dirty pavement and he runs  
Fucking coward  
You stand there breathing hard before you realize that Terezi is still on the ground  
You drop to your knees on the bloody pavement beside her and look at her without breathing  
She looks bad  
You let out the breath you didn't even notice you were holding and move closer to her  
"Terezi?" you say, reaching out a hand to her but her milky eyes, which were half closed, shoot open and she jumps up, scrambling back until her back hits the wall.  
She hits pretty damn hard especially for someone this hurt  
Her hand makes contact with your face, smearing thick warm blood on your cheek  
"Ah shit" you say, putting up an arm and moving back  
She lands a few more hits on your arm, smearing blood on your skin, before you move to calm her  
Her arms are up to protect her face and her small body is pressed back against the wall  
You lean closer to her and try to speak calmly, "Terezi, hey, Terezi, it's John, are you okay?" you ask  
She doesn't seem to hear you so without really thinking you try to move her hands away from her face. She whimpers and curls in on herself with her arms over her face, "Gamzee stop, please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"  
You immediately let go of her and back off, "Terezi it's John, it's John, Gamzee is gone!"  
This time she hears you and she stills, slowly moving her arms from in front of her face  
She looks at you with bleary almond eyes through the bruises on her face and there is blood starting to drip from the corner of her chapped lips  
"John?" She asks, voice shaky like she's having trouble breathing and that probably had something to do with the blood stain that's slowly growing on her chest  
She looks at you with milky eyes that are struggling to focus on you  
"I can't see" she says through barely moving lips  
Then she falls, wilts like a flower, and you hold her against you. You can feel two heartbeats, yours fast, hers slow, against your chest. The front of her shirt is wet with blood and your hands come back slicked with red.  
Something warm drips onto your arm and you look down to see that the blood from her lips is beginning to drip down her face  
"Fuck, wait, shit, Terezi don't close your eyes okay? Can you do that?" she holds onto your shirt with both fists and looks up at you with hazy eyes  
"John" she says and it's quiet, her parted lips don't even move, "you're an idiot" she pauses and you barely make out her words when she says, "my eyes are already closed"  
And then her eyes do close  
"Shit shit shit shit shit, Terezi come on wake up, wake up" you say  
She doesn't wake up  
So heart beating fast you pull your phone out of your pocket and press it to your ear  
She picks up the phone on the first ring and you don't give her time to speak before you say, "Rose?"  
"Actually this is Kanaya" says the voice on the other end, slower and more pronounced than Rose's  
"Oh, Kanaya, it's John, is Rose there?" You ask  
"Yes she is, may I ask what this is about?"  
"It's Terezi, Gamzee he- they- she just passed out"  
There's a pause before she speaks again, "where are you?"  
"I'm by your place, right down the street at the diner"  
There is a quick exchange of softly spoken voices in varying volumes in the background and then she comes back on, "we'll meet you there" and then the phone goes silent and you're left holding the limp body of your friend who appears to be, in your professional college biology major drop outs opinion, dying

 

**Rose**

  
You've always loved the smell of summer storms  
Dirk and Jake's apartment is turning purple and the air is pleasantly warm as you sit by the window with a mug of lavender tea watching the cars go by and listening to the gathering of a storm  
Kanaya is in the kitchen making food And humming, it makes you smile  
Dirk sits on the futon with his feet on the coffee table and Roxy lays across his lap watching Gossip Girl and eating strawberry jam out of the jar with her finger  
Dirk is commenting on the relationship between Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass and Roxy is pressing a sticky finger to his lips and telling him to "shut ahhhppp"  
You tuck your legs under you and turn to face them  
"I agree with Dirk, I don't see Chuck and Blair lasting this season" you say, smiling over your coffee mug  
Dirk throws his hand up in your direction, "thank you, Rose"  
"No ways, Chuck and Blair are meant to beeeee" Roxy says, licking another glob of jelly from her fingers before wiping them on Dirk's shirt  
Her nails, which are covered in the most bedazzled abomination to fashion that the nail salon had to offer, are pink and sticky  
Distantly you hear your phone go off and then Kanaya's voice  
She holds out the phone to you and you turn to her  
"Who is it?" You ask, standing and taking the phone from her hand  
"It's John, something has happened to Terezi" she says  
"What happened? Where is he?"  
"I don't know but it sounded urgent, they're at the diner"  
"Tell him we're on our way" you say, going to get your shoes  
Dirk turns his head to face you and Roxy looks up from the screen  
Dirk raises one pale eyebrow over the rim of his shads in silent questioning  
"Something happened to Terezi, she and John are near the diner down the street" you say  
"From what John said it is urgent that we get there as soon as possible" Kanaya says, rewrapping her green hijab around her head and pressing her phone to her ear  
"Let's go then" Roxy says and jumps up from the futon. She grabs Dirk's hand and pulls him up after her with unsurprising ease  
Kanaya lets you all through the door before her while she speaks softly into her phone  
As she walks behind you you hear some of her words  
"Do you know where Terezi is? We are going out to look for her"  
"Is anyone with you?"  
"Just that he found her and that she's hurt"  
"The diner"  
You hear her lock her phone and she goes silent behind you  
"Vriska?" You ask without turning around to face her  
"Yes" she says  
You take the stairs two at a time down into the street. You take a breath of hot air and it feels like inhaling water  
When you're all in the street you start running in the direction of the diner and all you hear is the sound of all your feet hitting the asphalt and the storm gathering above you  
When you get to the diner the pink light of the flickering neon sign makes everything glow and you feel like you've stepped into another world  
"Where are they?" Dirk asks, eyes hidden behind his shades which are glowing pink under the light of the sign  
"John said they were in the alley beside the diner" Kanaya says  
"It's probs that one" Roxy says, pointing one pink bedazzled finget at a small opening in the concrete wall  
You run  
You see John, blood smeared across his face and glasses, holding Terezi  
Her eyes are close and her body is limp and covered in dark bruises and blood  
"Rose!" John calls, lifting his head to look at you  
You run forward and Kanaya runs after you  
Dirk and Roxy hang back, speaking softly to each other  
"What happened?" Kanaya asks, looking down at them  
"Gamzee, they were fighting and I heard screaming, she wouldn't let me help, she made me leave her-"  
"It's okay John calm down" you say, placing a hand in his shoulder  
You see Kanaya curl her delicate dark hands into fists, "I am going to kill him"  
She bites down hard on her lower lip with determination in her eyes and then she's dropping to her knees beside Terezi and John  
She takes Terezi into her arms and John gets up and backs out of the way, stopping at your side  
He doesn't look at you but you reach over and take his blood sticky hand in yours  
You hold his hand and he looks over at you with wide, terrified blue eyes  
You squeeze his hand tight  
Kanaya turns to look up at you, face flushed and breathing hard  
"She has a stab wound to the chest and a lot of severe blunt force trauma, her jaw and some of her ribs are broken and I think that her arm is too, with the blood on her lips there is likely internal bleeding, John did you find her like this?" She asks  
He shakes his head, "She was awake, Gamzee was still here too but he ran when I came"  
She nods, dark hair falling loose from her hijab, "most people would have passed out from the pain much sooner"  
"So what can we do, will she be okay?" John asks and his hold on your hand tightens  
Kanaya bites her lip, "there is no way to tell for sure, from my experience I would say that she can be but she needs medical care as soon as possible, there is no way for me to gauge the severity of her internal bleeding or the trauma to her head and both of those things can be very dangerous, she is also loosing a lot of blood, we need to get her to a hospital. Rose, love, could you call?" She asks, turning to you  
You nod and let go of John's hand, pulling your phone from your pocket  
You dial the number for the hospital and press the phone to your ear  
Out of the corner of your eye you see Roxy and Dirk come over to stand with you. Roxy's lips part and her pink eyes go wide  
"Oh my god" she says, taking Dirk's hand with her eyes unmoving  
Dirk takes a shaky breath and runs his other hand through his light hair  
"Fuck" he breaths  
Everything is a blur, all that is clear is your heart beating in your ears and the sound of the phone ringing  
After the third call it goes through  
"I'm sorry, there are currently other patients on the lines, please hold" says the automated voice of a woman and your hand tightens on the phone  
The first broken notes of a song you recognize but can't name start to play over the line and you close your eyes  
Waiting

 

**Karkat**

  
This can't be happening  
Not again  
You're whole body is shaking and you can hear your heart beating in your head as you try to breath in the heavy summer air but you can't  
The world is drowning, and you're drowning with it  
The sky is purple and blue above you and Vriska's hand is uncomfortably warm in yours  
You think about all the times Terezi's hand was sweaty and gross in yours and you pushed her away and she just laughed at the sky as you walked down the deserted street  
You see her smiling around her round cheeks, almond eyes almost closed with the force of it  
You hear her laughing, talking too fast and too loud  
You feel her beside you, holding onto your arm, hugging you from behind, curling up against you in bed, and walking way too fucking close  
That's the Terezi you've always known, but you haven't seen her for a long time  
When you think about the way she is now you feel a pain in your chest, a desperate need to help someone who can't be helped, and there's nothing you can do  
She doesn't smile anymore, not really, only the smiles she forces onto her face in a deteriorating attempt to appear whole. She doesn't laugh or talk too loud, she talks with hesitation in a voice that's too small to be hers. She doesn't even let you touch her now, she flinches away, like you're going to hurt her, and you know she's been conditioned to think that big it still hurts you that she would think you would ever do that.  
You just want her back  
So you keep running with only Vriska's sweaty hand to hold you here  
A sound breaks the silence that has settled over you and everything snaps painfully into focus  
Vriska has pulled out her phone but she's still running  
She presses the phone to her ear and you can just hear the unintelligible words of the other persons voice  
They say something and Vriska sucks in a breath  
"We're out looking for her now"  
Words  
"Karkat"  
More words  
"What happened? What did he say?" She demands  
They respond loudly enough to form actual words and Vriska stops hard making you stumble forward on the asphalt cursing but she's standing still beside you with the phone pressed to her ear, breathing hard  
"We're near there"  
More words that you still can't make out  
"We're coming" she says and then she's grabbing your hand again and pulling you after her  
"Who was that? Where the fuck are we going?" You demand, breathless  
"Kanaya, and we're going to Ms. Paint's"  
"What? Why?"  
"John found Terezi"  
"What happened? What did he say? Is she okay?" You demand  
"Don't know, doesn't matter, just run"

 

**Dave**

  
You're drowning  
As you run you hear your heart beat in your head and your shoes hit the ground but everything else is out of focus under the flickering light of the diner sign  
The first thing you take in when you get to the ally is the blood. So much blood  
The second is the people around you. Everything is moving in slow motion and sound is dulled as you look at them  
Naturally, the first person you notice is Vriska. She's screaming, loudly. Not that you can really hear her, all you hear is a dull throbbing in your ears, but you watch her detachedly as she screams  
The next is Karkat who is surprisingly not taking the same approach. He's much calmer than you ever would have expected him to be. He's pacing back and forth beside Vriska with his fingers in his hair and the palms of his hands pressing hard to the sides of his head. His eyes are unfocused on the dirty pavement as his feet hit it steadily like heart beats and his lips are moving silently in repetition.  
In front of you Rose is on the phone. She is working hard to keep herself calm but you can hear in her voice that she is edging on panic, which makes you panic. Beside her Dirk is talking quickly, exchanging information with her, something about getting her to a hospital. John and Roxy stand together beside them, Roxy holding onto John's arm and John's face completely blank  
You notice the blood smeared on his cheek and feel panic rise in your stomach. He is loosely holding Terezi's dragon backpack in his free hand and what looks like a knife and you see that they are both stained sticky with blood  
You feel like you're going to puke up your pizza  
Rose and Karkat look up when you stumble into the alley but it's Dirk who moves first. As you walk forward he steps in front of you and puts a hand on your shoulder. "Let me through" you say, looking up at him. All you see is your own face in the flat surface of his shades, purple and distorted in the shitty plastic. He shakes his head, "you don't need to see this."  
You're tired of this shit, he thinks he knows what's best for you, well he fucking doesn't  
"Fine" you say, and before he can make a move to stop you again you have pushed passed him and into the back of the alley  
Dirk was right, you didn't need to see this.  
You see Kanaya first, kneeling on the pavement with blood on her hands and her hijab coming loose around her face. Her face is strained but determined as she leans over someone laying on the pavement  
The person is still on the ground, blood everywhere and she's wearing red shoes with the dragons drawn on them, the ones you made with her  
Terezi  
Everything snaps into focus and suddenly everyone is moving at full speed and you can hear it all, Vriska screaming, Rose talking on the phone, Dirk calling after you with Roxy who has let go of John and is pushing her way towards where you stand. You can even hear the softly spoken curses from Karkat as he closes his eyes and pulls at his hair  
You open your mouth to say something but then Roxy is on you and she's pulling you away. You tell her to let go but she just keeps pulling until she gets you to where Dirk and Rose are. You're still struggling and you think you must be yelling but you can't hear what you're saying. Dirk is talking to you and you're yelling back at him while you struggle against Roxy's arms around you  
This is interrupted when someone raises their voice loud enough to silence everyone, even Vriska  
You all stop and look at Rose, who is standing very still holding her hand over the phone  
"I got through to the hospital, the cab take her into emergency care but they don't have any ambulances available, Kanaya, how is she?" She asks, turning to her girlfriend who is squinting back up at her through the blood on her face  
She wipes her face with the back of her hand and sits up to address everyone. "As I thought she has sever blunt force trauma, multiple broken bones and likely internal bleeding. I've done everything I can for her here, I've managed to stop some of the bleeding but we have to get her to the hospital"  
You hear Dirk and Rose talking softly behind you but it's just a hum to your ears now  
"I can carry her" Dirk says, wrapping his arms around Terezi and lifting her small body with him as he stands  
Rose takes your hand from behind and looks up at you, "together?" she asks, smiling the way she only does with you  
You hold her hand tighter, "together" you agree  
And then you're running. You can hear the heartbeat of everyone around you but your feet keep hitting the pavement and the only thing you are aware of is the sound of those heartbeats and the feeling of your sister's hand held tightly in yours.  
You're going to bring her home  
Together

The race to get to the hospital is something you will always remember in vivid detail and yet the entirety of it seems surreal, like you weren't entirely awake  
You remember the blue and purple glow of the city and the sound of thunder in the distance. You remember breathing in warm summer air and feeling the presence of your friends running by your side. You can see Vriska holding tight to John's wrist, pulling him after her. You can see Kanaya and Karkat running side by side, her just a little ahead of him. Finally you see Dirk running with Roxy by his side with Terezi's small body in his arms. You see this all in blurred detail. Everything is drowned by purple light and feels strangely unreal, like you're watching something happen but not taking part in it. The only thing you remember, like really remember, is Rose's hand in yours, holding tight and keeping you grounded.  
When you get to the hospital you push through the door into a waiting room full of people  
Everything is drowned in the unintelligible hum, the human noise, of all the people in the room who are nothing more than background noise in this dream  
You arent taking in any of what is happening around you, all you know is that suddenly you and Rose are the first ones in the doors  
Rose is the one to run to the counter, pulling you with her. You stand beside her, unable to move, as she leans over the counter and informs the receptionists of the situation.  
"I'm here to check in, I called about five minutes ago, it would be under Lalonde"  
The receptionist says something that you don't hear and Rose responds with a nod  
"Her name is Terezi Pyrope"  
The receptionist takes it down and the two of them continue exchanging words that you can't hear  
You see the others run into the waiting room and feel Rose turn to face them beside you. You vaguely take in the others but your eyes fix on Terezi, so small in Dirk's arms  
At seeing her the receptionist is on her feet and calling for a nurse.  
You watch detachedly as a nurse runs into the waiting room and Dirk goes to meet him. He takes one look at Terezi before turning to the receptionist and telling her to call a doctor. Then a doctor is there and two more nurses are wheeling a gurney through the doors into the waiting room.  
Dirk lays Terezi onto the gurney and the nurses nod to him before pushing the gurney back through the doors. The doctors stays for a moment to speak with Dirk. Then he is gesturing towards you and Rose and the doctor is coming over to you.  
She is asking what happened and Rose is speaking quickly in explanation  
She asks her to fill out the paperwork for it and she nods  
You only move when the doctor is just about to turn away  
You grab her arm and look up at her face which you don't remember the minute you look away. "Take care of her" you hear yourself say and then the doctor is nodding and turning away and Rose is pulling you by the hand back over to the counter.  
She speaks quickly with the receptionist who hands her some paperwork and then you are being pulled over to the uncomfortable looking couches by the windows of the waiting room, which make up the entire wall.  
The others gather in around you and then you are all sitting in a small circular gathering of people in the middle of that busy waiting room  
Karkat has his face in his hands and he's still cursing but it's coming out choked and Kanaya is rubbing circles on his back and smoothing his hair. She looks up and makes eye contact with Rose beside you and you can tell that she's afraid, which somehow scares you more than anything.  
Dirk and Roxy are on your other side and Roxy is leaning her full weight against him, already passed the fuck out.  
Vriska has stopped yelling and is now allowing John to hold her against him. She keeps her face pressed against his shoulder and you can see how hard she is trying to keep herself together. Her lips are moving against his shoulder and she is saying something to him. "She can't die. She's my sister. I can't let her die" and John is tightening his arms around her and staring foreword with that same numb blankness as before, "I know"  
They become something that you are not part of and with Rose's hand now occupied with paperwork and her other hand tightly holding Kanaya's you are left without even the hold of her hand to ground you.  
Nothing feels real. You hear a pounding that at first you think is your head before you realize that it's rain on the window behind you.  
You press your head back against the cold glass and let the feeling of it ground you again. You feel the thunder shake you all and suddenly your mind is entirely blank but for one thought.  
You don't even remember when it started raining.

You spend the night there with no word from the doctors which is understandable since you did check in at 1 am. You are moved to another waiting room, this one smaller for just your group and you are now sitting together on the couches and chair. Beside you Rose and Kanaya are asleep leaning on eachother. Dirk and Roxy are on your other side on another couch and Roxy is passed out cold and drooling on Dirk's lap. Only minutes ago Dirk was perfectly awake but when you looked back his head was leaning back and his eyes were closed, lips parted barely in breath. Beside Kanaya, Karkat has passed out cold and is curled up with his head in her lap. You reach over and pet his hair absentmindedly. Beside him on another couch John is leaning back, eyes closed and Vriska is stretched out with her knees bent facing the center where the coffee table sits and resting her head on John's lap. Her thick black hair is falling over the side of the couch and against the dirty linoleum floor.  
She seems to be the only other person who's awake. Her one blue eye stares forward at nothing with a numbness that you can't place.  
This waiting room is empty except for your group  
The fluorescent lights glow down making everything look pale blue and too bright. You are listening to the thunder and rain when something breaks the silence. It takes you a second to realize it's a voice and another second to realize that that voice is Vriska's.  
She's talking more quietly than you have ever heard her and her eyes are still fixed on nothing.  
"Hey Strider?" She says, chapped lips barely moving  
You hesitate for a second before replying, "yeah?"  
There's a pause and she sighs  
"I don't- I don't fucking know what I'll do if she..."  
She breaks off, unable to say the words you are both thinking  
You are both pause when you say "she'll be okay." You try to put as much meaning into it as you can and you think she picks up on it because she actually directs her eye towards you  
"I fucking know that I just..." she says, pausing, "  
She looks back to nothing again but it seems more thoughtful than blank and when she speaks again, an actual small smile grows on her smudged blue painted lips  
"You know, Terezi is the strongest person I know. If anyone can get through this, it's her"  
You hum in agreement, she's right, you don't think you know anyone that's stronger than Terezi  
You laugh silently and exhale through your nose with a hum escaping your lips  
"She's stronger than all of us" you say  
Vriska's chap lipped smile widens a little at your agreement and you realize that this is the first conversation you've had with her that wasn't fucking with each other or arguing about her wearing pants in the apartment  
She lets out a silent laugh and shakes her head, running her skinny fingers through her mess of black hair  
"I can't believe I let this happen" she says quietly  
You're silent for a second before you respond, "we all let it happen"  
She looks up at you from the dirty linoleum floor, "yeah and we should have stopped it"  
You don't wait to respond this time, "we all knew, that doesn't mean we could do anything. I tried to help her, so did you, but sometimes people just aren't going to listen to what you tell them"  
She looks hard at the peeling linoleum of the floor and bites at her lip "I'm done with this shit, I'm fucking tired of it"  
"Yeah...me too" you say and there's another second of silence before she asks, "what was yours?"  
You look at her in dazed confusion, "what was what?"  
"Your shit" she says, rolling her eye. You think you understand  
"It doesn't matter, Dirk thinks so, but I don't give a shit" you say  
"Well what is it?" She pushes  
"What's yours?" You counter  
She gives it a beat before she responds, "fine, since I'm not a huge baby and can actually admit shit to myself I'll tell you, but only if you tell me yours after" she says  
You think on this and then nod, "yeah, okay" you say and she's silent for a moment before she speaks again  
"When I was little, like before I moved in with Terezi, I lived with my mom and sister. Long story short my bitch of a sister fucked off to live with her rich best friend and left me alone with my mom. My mom was like, my hero, I guess, but all she ever did was send me out in the middle of the night to steal shit for her, fucking bitch at me and throw me out when something went wrong and fuck off all the time to go do whatever the fuck she did. She finally got arrested when I was eight, some shit about a robbery ring, I don't know and I don't really give a fuck. She was a fucking bitch and I stopped caring about her a long time ago. She can fuck off for all I care" she says  
When you don't say anything she continues "I don't give a fuck about it happening to me but I care if it's Terezi, she doesn't deserve shit like that the way I do"  
When you still don't say anything she says "okay I told you now spill it"  
You sigh and run a hand through your damp hair, "It seriously doesn't matter"  
"Dirk thinks it does" she says  
"Yeah well Dirk doesn't know as much as he thinks he does" you say  
"Yeah well maybe he knows this. Stop with the shit Strider, spill"  
You sigh again, "fine, whatever"  
You take a breath and pause  
You can't believe you're talking about this  
Letting out your breath slowly you look at your hands  
"I grew up in a shitty apartment with my Bro and Dirk and things were...weird"  
"Weird how?" She asks  
You shrug, "just stupid shit"  
"It's all stupid shit" she says  
You shrug again, "me and Dirk raised ourselves. Bro was never fucking around and he didn't really give a fuck about us. Fuck our refrigerator was always full of goddamn swords and puppets and shit, if I wanted any food I had to hide it or he would fucking eat it or make me sword fight him for it. Also there was the constant sword fight sneak attacks and mind games and the whole filming me for his weird puppet porn website but like I said, it really doesn't matter at this point, he's gone now and I'll probably never see him again" you say  
Vriska stares at you, her one blue eye wide  
"Wait..." She says, pausing. "Did he seriously film you for porn?"  
Shit is way too surreal right now, you're talking about shit you've never talked about with anyone and you're doing it with fucking Vriska Serket. But it's 3am, it's storming outside like the world is going to end, and you're sitting in an empty hospital waiting room with blood still sticky on your shoes  
"Yeah I guess so, I don't know that smuppet shit was always weird as fuck I just found cameras hidden around the house all the time and figured it was some weird ninja training thing or whatever" you say  
She looks at you with her eye wide "what the fuck? That's fucked up, that's really fucked up" she says  
"I don't know, I started basically living at friends places when I was like thirteen, I wasn't even with him most of the time and then he fucked off a few years later so it doesn't matter it's not going to change anything" you say  
"Uh yeah but it's still really fucked up" she says  
"Yeah I guess but I don't really care if it is, it happened, what the fuck ever. I'm not going to fucking live my life around it" you say  
She looks at you with and unreadable expression  
Finally she speaks, "yeah, I get that, I guess that's the same way I am too. Fuck 'em" she says, giving you a grin  
You actually find yourself smiling and everything is so fucking weird at this point you don't even give a fuck  
"Fuck 'em" you say  
You still can't believe you're talking about this with Vriska but here you are, sitting in a hospital waiting room at 3 am, doing exactly that  
You realize you're hungry, that pizza was all you had to eat all day and you need a distraction.  
"Wanna go get some food with me?" You hear yourself say  
She raises an eyebrow at you, "Strider are you asking me out on a date, why you know I am taken, as are you, how could you do that to Karkat" she says, lips parted in fake disbelief  
"Save it, Serket, you know I'm not, I'm just hungry as shit" you say  
She bites at her bottom lip and shrugs, "yeah I guess I could go for some food, also this waiting room is fucking depressing" she says  
"Fucking tell me about it" you say, standing  
She stands too and together you walk quietly away from your friends and out the front doors of the hospital into the rain  
It's still raining hard but you don't care and it doesn't seem like Vriska does either  
You argue in the rain about where to go and end up just running through the rain to the gas station across the street  
You stumble in dripping water on the slippery linoleum floor and being way more obnoxious than necessary. Gas stations at night are like another world, just like the waiting room at the hospital except this place has coffee, a big plus.  
You run over to the coffee Station and grab cups off the stacks. Vriska makes a large black coffee that she pours a disgusting amount of sugar into and you make gagging noises to which she responds with a sugar packet to your face. When she's done pouring literally eight packets of sugar into her coffee she presses a lid on over the steaming sludge, licks sugar and coffee from her fingers and looks at you as you finish pouring cream into your small coffee. You throw a creamer at her.  
When you finish you wander through the rest of the gas station looking for food. You end up with a bag of those shitty mini chocolate covered and powdered donuts, a bag of cool ranch Doritos, and a red and blue slushie that Vriska drinks half of before you even get to the check out  
You pay for the food and exit the gas station. When you step out into the rain you realize that you don't have anywhere to eat this, you're sure as fuck not going back to that waiting room  
You decide to just fuck it and end up sitting under the covered area of concrete on the side of the gas station  
You both shove the food into your mouths as you watch the rain and within minutes you are left with a half empty bag of donuts and two cups of coffee  
And of course Doritos crumbs which you fight over  
Vriska wins  
You sit in silence, looking at the rain as you drink your shitty coffee and periodically reach over and take a donut in your sticky hands  
"This is weird as fuck" Vriska says, still looking at the rain as she shoves a powdered donut into her mouth leaving powdered sugar on her fingers which she licks off  
"I don't even feel real right now" you say, taking a chocolate donut from the bag and biting it in half  
She laughs and grins at you, "you sound like you're high as fuck"  
"Of course I do, like the great Snoop Dog says, 'smoke weed every day'" you say  
She rolls her eye, "is that song still your alarm?" she asks, taking a sip of coffee  
"Yeah, ringtone too"  
"That song is fucking terrible, I hated waking up to that shit every morning"  
"Hey don't disrespect Snoop, dude is a legend. Besides, you didn't have to be at our apartment"  
She rolls her eye again, this time one of those ones where here whole head rolls to the side, "whatever Strider"  
You fall into silence again, drinking your coffee and staring at the storm  
"This doesn't feel real, it just seems like something that would only happen in one of Karkat's needlessly dramatic teenage drama shows. But it's happening, it's an actual thing that is actually happening to us" you say  
"Yeah, this shit, it feels like it's not happening to me, like I'm watching it happen to myself" she says  
"Or the season finale episode of Degrassi" you say  
"Which season?"  
"All of them"  
There's another silence before she speaks again  
"I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't make it" she says, and hearing it hurts more than you thought I would  
"She's going to make it" you say  
Vriska shakes her head and takes a long sip of her nasty sugary coffee, keeping her one eye fixed on the lighting still streaking across the sky  
"I'm usually sure of shit like this but...I don't know" she says  
"Last time you were "sure of shit" John got a face full of asphalt and a broken arm" you say  
She laughs, "yeah but it was funny," and takes a long sip of her coffee  
You nod and stuff another chocolate donut in your mouth  
"She's gonna make it, she's too stubborn not to" you say, still watching the rain, "you know that's what she would say" you say and you see Vriska tense, hand tightening on her coffee cup  
It's a few seconds before she speaks,  
"yeah, she would" and she smiles fondly at the rain  
She takes another long sip of coffee, "I want to kill him" she says  
Her voice is shaking and her hand has tightened even more on her coffee cup. You're kind of afraid that she's going to break it and get coffee all over herself and then you're going to have to listen to her bitch about it for a fucking hour  
"I tried to talk to her about it" she says, guzzling more coffee to fill the silence  
"Yeah, me too" you say  
Vriska takes a shaky breath, "I confronted her about a week ago, when I found out she had talked to him"  
You sit silently with your coffee and wait for her to continue but it's a second before she speaks again  
"I tried to get her to leave him but all I ended up doing was screaming at her and calling her stupid for staying with him when she wouldn't. I didn't know what else to do I guess, that was the last thing I could think of to get to her" she pauses again  
"She left after that and went back to his place. She went back because I was a bitch and blamed her for the shit he did. I was just...I didn't know what to do" she says, running a hand through her hair  
She presses her palm to the side of her forehead and closes her eye  
"I still don't know what to do" she says, pressing her other palm to her forehead so her head is in her hands  
She shakes her head, "she's been dealing with me my whole life and I can't do shit for her" she says  
You stay quiet, watching her, before you speak, "we can only do so much, sometimes shit can't be helped"  
She lifts her head and looks at you hard with her one blue eye, "can't be helped? You saw what that asshole did to her, we couldn't help her and now she's in the fucking hospital and we don't even know if she's going to live" she says, voice rising and cracking with the thunder  
"You don't think I think the same thing? I couldn't do shit. I tried, you tried and it wasn't enough. Blaming ourselves isn't going to help her. What will help her is staying strong, not whining about our fuck ups" you say  
She looks at you for a long time before she speaks again, "you know, you're pretty damn good at giving advice, anyone ever told you that Strider?"  
"Nah, I think you're thinking of my twin sister, the one that writes wizard fanfiction"  
She laughs and takes a sip of her coffee, shaking her head, "I don't know about you, Strider, but I wouldn't be lying if I said I wasn't strong" she says  
You look out at the rain and hold the warmth of your coffee cup close, "none of us are, but we try to be"  
"Yeah, try" she says  
You close your eyes and smell the coffee in the air and the rain on the hot asphalt, "I seriously don't want to go back to that waiting room" you say  
"Fucking tell me about it" she says  
"We should just sleep here, maybe if we're lucky we'll get struck by lightning" you say  
"Have you ever slept on a sidewalk?" She asks  
"Yeah, not too bad really once you get used to it" you say, finishing off your coffee  
"In the rain?" She asks  
"What other time is there to sleep on a sidewalk?"  
"Shit Strider you're more fucked than I thought" she says  
"I do my best" you say  
She finishes off her coffee and throws the cup into the rain, "want one?" She asks, holding out a soggy pack of cigarettes  
"Nah I'm good, thanks" you say  
"What happened to smoking every day?" She asks as she holds her lighter to the end of the cigarette  
"Even Snoop has his days off" you say  
"You've never smoked weed in your life, have you?" She says  
"Nope"  
"Well" she says, grinning as her cigarette finally lights, "you're missing out"  
A comfortable silence settles as she sucks on her cigarette and you watch the smoke mix with the rain  
"We have to go back" you say, still watching the rain  
She tips her head back and sighs smoke into the air "yeah, I know"  
"I really don't want to" you say  
"Me neither" she says, flicking the butt of her cigarette into the rain  
"But we have to" you say  
"For her" she says  
"For her" you agree

The walk back from the gas station is slow despite the rain still pouring down from the sky. It's still late but when you really don't want to be somewhere you'll pretty much do anything to stall. So when you do finally reach the hospital you stumble in dripping wet to find that someone else is awake  
Kanaya lifts her head and turns to face you when you enter, a scratchy looking blanket in hand  
Seeing you, she sets down the blanket and meets you. Her green eyes are tired but she has that steadfast strength that has always kept you all together  
You see her look at your soaking wet clothes but she surprisingly doesn't comment, not even to scold you for staying out in the rain for too long, she just says "I got us some blankets"  
There's a pause as you take in the blankets sitting on the floor by the coffee table and then Vriska speaks, "miss fussy face just where the fuck did you get all this" she asks  
Kanaya motions dismissively with her hands, stiffening slightly in what might be her version of a shrug  
"I talked to one of the nurses, she offered us blankets" she says  
You and Vriska share a look before Vriskas rolls her eye. She opens her mouth to say something but you speak first  
"Kanaya, you are seriously amazing" you say  
She smiles at you and her cheeks warm, "thank you Dave, it was getting cold so I thought it would be nice to have something warm and dry"  
"Want help?" You ask, motioning towards the pile of blankets  
She smiles kindly, "of course, thank you"  
She hands you and Vriska an arm full of blankets and you distribute them among your sleeping friends  
When everyone has a blanket to share Kanaya sits carefully back down beside Rose and runs a hand through her exposed dark hair with a sigh. Her hijab is pushed back to rest around her neck and she looks tired. She probably didn't sleep well if she's up this early.  
You and Vriska sit back down as well and you don't know how long it takes you to finish your coffee but you do so in silence with only the sound of the humming lights and the storm outside  
"Would either of you like some tea?" She asks  
"I'm good, I got my coffee" you say, raising your cup  
"Vriska, how about you?" She asks and her tone suggests that she should  
Vriska bites her lip, "what kind they got?"  
"Green, black, white, chai, lavender"  
"Black" she says  
You sit in silence as Kanaya makes the tea at the coffee station across the waiting room  
when she comes back she hands a cup to Vriska and holds out a small cup to you  
"It's lavender, you don't have to drink it but I thought it might help you sleep" she says  
You look at the cup of tea and then back up at her, "thanks Kanaya" you say, giving her a tired smile and taking the warm cup into your hands  
Kanaya falls asleep beside Rose only minutes after sitting back down with her cup of tea still sitting half empty on the coffee table  
Vriska falls asleep about a half hour later once she's finished her tea. Her cup sits empty on the coffee table and she's asleep with her head in John's lap  
You're the only one awake again but your head is pounding and your eyes are bleary  
You don't remember closing you eyes but as you fall asleep to the hum of the fluorescent lights and the sound of the rain all you can think of is that you were never a good swimmer.


	18. the smoke of your absence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My lungs are thick with the smoke of your absence"  
> -Raymond Carver 
> 
> Terezi won't wake up and Dave won't come home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're selling apple chai at this one coffee shop by me and I have some boxed wine so thats nice. I'm gonna smoke and go to the diner but I'm posting this first, so close to 100 thousand

**Karkat**

You’re shaking with cold as you run down the steps of your apartment building, listening to your feet hit the dirty carpeted steps  
When you get to the bottom you push with effort through the old wooden door which has a huge crack in it that is covered by duct tape and out onto the sidewalk  
Around you the color of the city has changed, everything is slower, more muted and distant. In the last week the weather has begun to change from summer to fall and today happens to be one of the colder days. Pumpkin spice and apple chai lattes are officially available at Skaia's and you’re planing on picking some up on your way to the hospital. As you hurry down the street, pushing passed people without a second thought even when they glare at you and curse your mind wanders.

It’s been a week since you checked Terezi into the hospital. The doctors said that the trauma to her head and her internal bleeding were very severe, according to the nurse she almost didn’t make it. But she did and they had to put her into a medically induced coma to keep her alive until she was strong enough to function on her own. The nurse said it was amazing that she lived, amazing that she stayed conscious as long as she did, she said she was a real fighter. “Not just anyone could have gotten through that” she said and at that your already tear bleary eyes started to fill with tears. Kanaya was quick to take your place talking to the nurse while Dave held you against him and spoke soothing words to calm you down. Once you started you couldn't stop and the next thing you knew you were sobbing into the material of his sweatshirt. When you finally calmed down enough to breath with only slight hitches Kanaya was done talking to the nurse and you went home. On the way you and Dave stopped at the diner to have breakfast and then went home and spent the night watching movies with John to distract yourselves. Still, no one was really paying attention. It was hard to concentrate on Nicholas Cage saving a stuffed bunny for his daughter when Terezi was in the hospital on life support.

You shake yourself back into the present and pick up the pace when you see the coffee shop up ahead  
You pull on the obnoxiously heavy door and push your way inside. It’s packed with people but it’s 8am on a Friday morning so you should have expected that.  
While you wait in the line you take out your phone and message Kanaya, who you know is currently at the hospital. She tells you that Rose is with her, of course, and that there's no new news on Terezi. Everyone has basically been taking turns going to the hospital to check on her in case there is any news and right now it's your turn. Dave is supposed to be with you but you haven't seen him in days and you were hoping he was at the hospital with Kanaya and Rose. You guess you were stupid to think that. Once you reach the counter you order, a candy cane hot chocolate for yourself, a green tea latte for Kanaya, a black coffee for Rose and an apple chai just in case Dave decides to show up, and stand to the side to wait. When the drinks are ready you put them in a drink carrier and push your way back through the crowd of people and out the door.

You use the heat of the coffee to keep yourself warm against the cold wind on your way to the hospital. When you reach the hospital you hurry inside with the coffee and take the elevator to the fourth floor. When you step out you look around for Rose and Kanaya, keeping the coffee held close to you. You find them in the waiting room down the hall from the elevator.  
Kanaya looks up at you from a magazine in her lap when you enter and Rose sits beside her with her legs tucked under her body and a large black book in her hands. There's no sign that Dave is here. "Oh, hello Karkat" Kanaya says, smiling at you.  
You give her a small smile, "hey, I brought coffee." This makes Rose lift her head, a small smile on her perfectly black painted lips, “I can always use coffee."  
You roll your eyes and walk over to them, setting the coffee cups on the table and taking your candy cane hot chocolate. Rose carefully closes her book, setting it on the table as she leans forward to inspect the remaining three cups. "That one is yours" you say, pointing to the cup closest to her. She smiles and plucks the coffee cup from the drink carrier, taking it into her hands and holding it close to her face. She takes a deep breath of the coffee and raises her pale eyebrows, taking the lid off the cup to peer inside. She hums happily, "black coffee" she looks up at you, "thank you very much, Karkat."  
You shrug, shoving your hands into your sweatshirt pockets, "sure." Kanaya leans forward to look at the coffees and you point out her's. She smiles and takes the cup you pointed to, "thank you."  
You shrug again in response.  
"Who's the last cup for?" Rose asks, taking a sip from her own cup.  
“Uh, I was hoping Dave would be here, have you seen him?" you ask.  
Rose lowers the cup from her lips and shakes her head solemnly, "not since Wednesday morning, no."  
“What did he say?” You ask, taking a seat in the chair next to her  
"He said that he was going for a walk” she says.  
“Fuck” you say.  
She nods in understanding, you both know what 'going for a walk' means. “He didn’t tell me where he was going but I am fairly sure that I know. My brother isn’t as adept at hiding himself as he thinks he is" she says. You nod, “yeah, you don’t have to tell me."  
"I’m going to stay here with Kanaya but if you want to look for him he’s probably at a diner or a gas station"  
"Well that fucking narrows it down" you say, frowning  
She smiles, shaking her head, "he won't be at any diners near here, but he won't have gone too far either"  
"would he go to Ms. Paints?" you ask, "or the gas station on Thought and Flow?"  
She shakes her head again, "no, too close to home. Try Derse Diner and Dennys, the one on the corner of Heat and Clockwork"  
"What about gas stations?" You ask  
She hums in thought, taking another sip of her coffee. You really wish she would just spit it the hell out already, she takes almost as long to get to the point as her brother.  
"Try Wawa's, there's a chance he's at Sheetz or 7/11 but he doesn't like those as much, he's very adamant about it. If he’s not any of those places let me know, I’ll come with you to look" she says.  
“Where to you think he went?” you ask  
"He most likely went to Derse Diner first, he and Dirk used to live close to there, it's just a matter of if he's still there or not"  
"Okay, thanks" you say, giving her a tight smile and taking a sip of your coffee. She smiles back, uncharacteristically soft, and takes another sip of her coffee, "of course."  
You hold your hot chocolate close and stare at the table in front of you where Rose's book, a huge old tome with 'Grimoire' written on it in shiny violet script, sits along side Kanaya's Italian fashion magazines  
"So, how is she?" You ask, turning to Kanaya  
She looks up at you from the magazine in her hands, her green eyes tired.  
None of you have gotten much sleep in the last week. You've been in and out of the hospital in shifts, sleeping in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, drinking the shitty cafeteria coffee to stay awake, and in Vriska's case breaking into the vending machine and stealing all the snickers bars. Almost all of your friends have been in to visit between classes and work but Dave's been distant, sticking close to Rose's side and not speaking in long run on metaphorical tangents the way he usually does when he's nervous. The first few days he didn't leave the waiting room but he also didn't say much. Just nodding and holding onto Rose's hand or putting his arm around you when you broke down crying. Then one morning you woke up just enough to see him walking out the door of the waiting room with his hands shoved in his pockets before you fell back asleep. You haven't seen him since"  
"She is still stable" Kanaya says  
You nod, pushing yourself out of your chair and to your feet "I'm going to go see her" you look at Rose, "and then I'm going to look for Dave"  
"Call me if you find him" Rose says and you nod before walking out of the small waiting room and into the hallway

  
Terezi is in room 413, which is right down the hallway from the waiting room.  
You shove your hands in your sweatshirt pockets and hunch over, keeping close to the wall as you walk. The fourth floor is empty and quiet but for the distant sound of doctors talking in a room down the hall.  
When you reach the room you stop and look through the open door. Terezi is small in the hospital bed, surrounded by the stiff white sheets and pillows with tubes running into her nose. There are IVs in her left arm which hangs limp from beneath the sheets and drips set up on a stand beside her. She's connected to a heart monitor that beeps steadily and you distract yourself by watching her pulse on the screen. You pull up a chair beside the bed and take lean your arms on the side of the bed and look at her. Her chest rises steadily but you have to really look to catch the movement. At least the bandages on her chest aren't stained red anymore. Her face is covered in deep bruises and cuts. There was a lot of swelling the first few days but it has since gone down leaving her looking small and broken but a lot better than before. There's a bandage wrapped around her head that keeps her mess of black hair pressed down and a cast on her right arm. You all signed the cast the first day you were allowed to see her and you look at all the sharpie signatures against the off white plaster. You see yours, big and in all caps in gray ink. Vriska's is the biggest in bold blue and John's is beside hers, small and kind of messy in the same blue. Rose and Kanaya's are in purple and green, both small and written in neat slanted script. Your eyes land on Dave's. It's small and looks to have been written quickly in red ink and beside it is a little pointed smiley face, the one Terezi likes to use. Around it are the multicolored signatures of all your other friends. You see Jade's curly green writing and Feferi's pink bubble letters next to Equius' stiff blue print.   
There's a brace on her neck and under the hospital gown you can see deep bruising all along her legs and arm and bandaging around her sides. The doctor said she had four broken ribs and three bruised, you don't want to think about what Gamzee must have done to do that to her. You do anyway and the thought makes you sick.  
Slowly you reach over and take her free hand into yours, feeling the warmth of her skin against yours to remind yourself that she's really still here. You feel tears start to fill your eyes and you let go of her hand to rub at them. No, you are not crying again, you've done way more than enough crying in the last week. You cried in the waiting room while Kanaya held you, you cried the first time you saw Terezi, you even cried behind the gas station across the street, Dave had to calm you down before you went in to get coffee and food for everyone.

  
You sigh and chew at your lip, looking at her bruised face and listening to the slow but steady beeping of the machines she's connected to.  
"Terezi I...I'm...FUCK" now your eyes are really starting to fill with tears. You blink them back, take a deep breath and continue, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry this happened, I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry I left you alone with that asshole like an idiot just because I was upset, I'm sorry I'm so fucking sorry and I...fuck I...I don't even know why I'm saying any of this, it's not like you can hear me" you say  
You let go of her hand and stand, looking down at where she lays in the bed. You reach over without thinking and brush back some of the black hair that's stuck to her forehead, "I love you, Terezi"  
You leave the hospital feeling tired. As you walk out of the hospital and into the cold you pull out your phone and search the nearest diners. You know from what Rose said that Dave tends to stay close to home when he disappears so he can't have gone that far. You find the diners Rose mentioned and head in the direction of the closest one, ready to ask about a blond boy with shades on drinking milky coffee as many times as you need to.

  
**Dave**

  
You really want another cigarette. Too bad you're almost out.  
You look up from the stack of empty creamer containers you're building on the table top and out the large window beside the booth you've been sitting in for the last three hours. Your phone is plugged into the cracked electrical socket on the wall beside you and your red backpack sits beside you on the cracking vinyl of the booth seats. So far you've only gotten coffee but you're cool with the waitress, after being here every day for the last week she knows your order. Coffee and a whole bowl of creamers and if you have the money two over easy eggs with rye toast and hash browns. She likes you because you talk to her and always leave little comics on the back of your receipt.

  
You watch people pass outside the diner, some walking others on rusted up road bikes.  
It's starting to get cold out and you watch as a steady stream of people flows in and out of the Starbucks across the street.  
You haven't been to this diner in a while, not since you were little when you first moved here from Houston. You and Dirk used to come here at night sometimes when Bro locked you out of the apartment or just when it was generally safer for you to be alone in a diner in the middle of the night than in your apartment. Back then Ms. Paints wasn't open yet so this diner was the closest one to your apartment. You were young, probably about seven and ten. The waitresses always asked you where your parents were, you said you didn't have any, that stopped them asking questions. Because really you didn't have parents, Bro was a guardian but you don't think you could even really call him that. He left money that you used to buy takeout and sometimes he would let you play video games with him on the days he was actually home and not passed out asleep on the couch but besides that he never did shit for either of you. Training was really the only thing he spent time on with you. You started with wooden swords which left a lot of bruises that you had to hide under your clothes when you went to school. After a while you moved up to real swords. It was always easier for Dirk, he was more like Bro in looks and personality so he always did better than you. You were the slow one, the one that always ended up catching a blade no matter how many times Bro told you to keep your eyes on him. You learned not to cry after the first few times, that only made Bro mad. You learned to take care of your injuries by yourself, you used to have to pull a chair into the bathroom from the kitchen so you could reach the cabinet where the first aid kit was but after a while you got good at it. You got good at dodging, at blocking, and if you did good sometimes Bro would give you a slap on the back or ruffle your hair and that made you happier than anything. You always made sure not to show it though, Striders don't show anything. You started to convince yourself that you were into it, that it was fun, that you were lucky to have a cool big brother who taught you this kind of thing. You know now that was just your own fucked up way of idealizing your shitty ass life. After Bro left you finally realized that you had been bullshitting yourself and it put you on your ass. You started avoiding Dirk, he reminded you too much of Bro, and you didn't want to think about Bro. You didn't want to think about anything. You and Dirk are okay now, you had a much needed talk that you had been stupidly avoiding and things feel a lot better. He may look like Bro but you realized that he really wasn't him. Yeah there were similarities but Dirk was his own person, and he was always there for you. Letting you have the last bag of Doritos when you had no money left for more food, standing at your side when you got locked out of the apartment for the night, sitting quietly on the bathroom floor with you while he bandaged your strifing wounds and pretended not to notice you were crying. 

  
You told yourself that you would stop trying avoiding things, but then again that's exactly what you're doing now, avoiding something you don't want to think about. You think about Terezi, so small in that hospital bed. You hate hospitals, they remind you of nights spent in the dimly lit pediatric care unit when you or Dirk, usually you, got injuries that couldn't be treated by the first aid kit. Of course you always had to explain it away, you jumped off the jungle gym at the park and landed wrong, you caught your foot on a manhole and face planted on the sidewalk, and of course the classic falling down the stairs. You remember the first time Terezi tried to use that excuse on you and you saw right through it, she was just like little Dave, sitting so small in that hospital bed insisting that he was okay, he just fell down the stairs of his apartment building. She was connected to IVs and drips and a heart monitor that's unsteady beep made you anxious as all hell. Her face was bruised, her head and chest were bloody and bandaged, she looked broken and after the first day you couldn't bring yourself to look at her at all. When you finally did look at her again, like actually look at her, your stomach still dropped. The swelling had gone down leaving her covered in dark bruises and deep cuts, some of which were stitched closed. She looked even more broken than before and after a minute you had to look away. That night you packed some things in your red backpack and left your apartment. You haven't been back since. 

  
You sigh, staring into your half empty coffee cup. The liquid inside is a light brown color from adding too much creamer and it's left a ring around the middle of your cup from where you let it sit too long. You take a sip and frown. It's cold. You pause with the cup near your lips, trying to decide how much you want the caffeine. You decide it's worth it and put the cup to your lips, tipping your head back and swallowing the cold coffee sludge in one go. You dramatically slam your empty cup back onto the table, sighing contently.

  
When you look up someone is sitting in the booth seat across from you. He's small, with black hair that looks like it hasn't been brushed in weeks, which you know for a fact it hasn't, and he's wearing an old grey sweatshirt. When you meet his eyes they're big and red, not unlike your own. He looks pissed, but what else is new.  
"Oh, hey dude" you say, trying to keep your voice cool and calm. You wonder how the fuck he found you here, you never even told him you were leaving let alone where you were going. Then you remember that you have a prying twin sister who just loves to talk about your many psychological problems to everyone you may or may not really like.  
"Don't fucking 'hey dude' me" he says in a bad attempt to match your voice  
"Did Rose tell you I'd be here?" You ask  
"Yes, she did actually, because like me she is worried about the fact that you just up and fucking left and haven't been around for days" he says, deepening his glare  
You bite the inside of your lip and shrug, "I've been around, just chillin, looking at records in that shop down the street, going to a show, going to the gas station, ya know, what I always do"  
"Don't fucking bullshit me, Dave, I'm not in the fucking mood" he says, pressing his palm against his head scrunching his face in pain  
Concern takes over and you lean across the table, putting your hand on his arm" dude are you okay?"  
He groans and shakes his head, "I've had this fucking headache for like, three fucking days"  
"That's cause you need to relax, I'll order you some coffee" you say, taking your hand from his arm to wave the waitress over  
"Hey could I get a refill and can my friend get a cup too please?" You ask  
The waitress smiles and nods, "and more creamer?"  
You follow her line of sight to the stack of empty creamer containers next to your hand. You let out a breath of laughter and look back up at her, "uh, yeah, that would be great, thanks"  
She nods again and walks back into the kitchen. You and Karkat sit in silence, his head still leaned against his hand, until the waitress comes back with the coffee pot and another cup  
She refills your cup, leaning across you to set a new bowl full of creamer beside it.  
"Thanks" you say  
She fills Karkat's coffee and he mumbles a quiet "thanks"  
The waitress leaves and you begin to open packets of creamer and dump them in your coffee. Across from you Karkat is inspecting his coffee with his head still heals up by his hand, elbow braced against the table.  
"Come on dude, drink some, it will help your had ache go away" you say as you add your third creamer to your coffee, tossing the empty container aside as you grab another  
He looks at the coffee and then up at you, his face still set in what can only be described as a look of utter unhappiness.  
"Maybe my headache would go away if you would come home" he says, reaching over to take some creamers from the bowl before you use them all up. He likes a lot of cream and sugar in his coffee so you know you have to save some for him.  
You don't answer, focusing instead on adding yet another creamer to your coffee  
"Dave" he says  
"Hm?" You reply, keeping your eyes on your slowly lightening coffee  
"Dave look at me"  
You chew on the inside of your lip before lifting your head to look at him but you keep your eyes from making contact with his, "what's up, Kat?"  
His thick dark eyebrows lower and his mouth turns down at the corners, or at least more than it already was, "what the fuck do you mean what's up?"  
You shrug, talking a sip of your coffee, needs more cream, "you said look at me, I looked at you and I asked what's up, that's a pretty fuckin reasonable reaction to the situation if you ask me"  
"No a reasonable reaction to this situation, which by the way is comparable to an infected asshole with how god damn shitty it is, is to stop fucking around with me" he snaps  
You raise your hands, "KK calm down"  
"I will not fucking calm down, where the FUCK have you been?" He demands "last time I saw you you were at the hospital with us and then you just leave without telling anyone? Do you have any idea how worried I was, it's not like I don't have enough shit to think about without having to wonder where the ever loving fuck my best friend is"  
You sit in silence for a second, giving him time to calm down. He sighs and looks up at you, still glaring.  
"I'm sorry" you say, suddenly feeling pretty fuckin shitty about your stupid ass decision making  
"You should be" he says but he looks a lot less angry than before  
"So is that what this is, are you here to pick me up like a mom in her mini van with stickers on the back of the seats and gum stuck to the floor picks up her kids from soccer practice?" You ask  
"Okay you know what I changed my mind, you can stay here" he says  
You grin and lean across the table to look at him, "you know you want to take me home with you, I'm like a stray dog, tough as shit and able to eat my body weight in food and then throw it all up all over the kitchen floor"  
He rolls his eyes, suppressing a smile, "only if you don't actually throw up on the floor"  
"No promises dude" you say

  
You finish your coffee and walk back to your apartment. You shit talk and laugh but in the back of your head you're still thinking that this isn't right. When something bad happens you need to get as far away from it as possible, what the fuck are you doing going back? Karkat is on a long rant that you haven't entirely been paying attention too and you catch him off guard when you take his hand in yours. He stiffens beside you, trailing off on his rant. You look at him, waiting for him to say something or pull away, but all he does is curl his fingers around yours and keep walking.  
When you get back to the apartment John isn't home. If he's not here he's one of two places, at work or with Vriska.  
"Guess we have the place to ourselves" you say, grinning at your shitty mess of an apartment  
Karkat stands beside you, glancing between your grinning face and the refrigerator door which has to be duct tapped shut, "yeah, okay"  
You get some pizza from the fridge and heat it up in the microwave. Predictably you overheat it and it splatters sauce all over and even more predictably you both eat it anyway.  
You sit together on the futon, pizza slices on plastic plates in your lap as Karkat flips through the DVR.  
"I think theres a new South Park episode" you say through a mouth full of pizza.  
He scrolls down and selects South Park and sure enough there is a new episode.  
You grin and take another bite of your pizza.  
You spend the night watching recorded episodes of the badly animated adult comedy show and commenting on how they somehow manage to out do themselves every season in how fucked up it can get. You argue about who the best character is. You say Kenny, Karkat says Kyle. You say that he would choose Kyle, he hits you with a pillow.  
The tv is back to playing late night crime documentaries as you lay slumped together on the futon. Beside you Karkat is leaned against you with his head on your shoulder, eyes on the tv.  
"Did you mean what you said?" You ask  
He looks up at you in confusion, "I say a lot of things, you need to be specific, Dave"  
You bite the inside of your lip and look away, "about me being your best friend"  
His eyes widen and he quickly looks away from you. Obviously he didn't mean to let that slip.  
"Well I mean, I know John is your best friend so it doesn't go both ways and Gamzee used to be my best friend but then he turned into a total asshole and-"  
"Kat, you're my best friend too"  
He looks up at you, eyebrows furrowed in questioning  
"People can have more than one best friend, this isn't elementary school. John's my bro but so are you, that's never gonna change" you say  
He looks to be thinking for a minute, "hey Dave?"  
"Yeah dude?"  
"Is that all I am?"  
You blink, looking down at him in confusion. He's looking up at you with those big wide eyes and you can feel your heartbeat start to speed up.  
Oh  
You bite your lip and look away from him.  
"I'm not trying to say being your bro isn't enough, it is I just...after what happened at Jade's we never really talked and-"  
"I really like you" you blurt  
He stops and sits up, turning to face you "as a bro?"  
You shrug, "well yeah as a bro but also...more than that, or something different than that anyway. I don't know it's stupid"  
"Dave it's not stupid" he says, trying to meet your eyes but you keep your head down  
"Yeah, it kinda fucking is" you say  
"Well what's stupid about it?" He asks  
You chew on your lip, looking at your hand, sitting between you close enough to touch his, "it's stupid because I know that I really like you, like the same way I used to like Jade, but it feels different, it feels...wrong?"  
"Why would it be wrong, what makes it different than with Jade?" He asks  
You chew on your lip more vigorously, still not looking at him, "because Jade is...Jade's a...she's a girl"  
Well there it is, you said it. Now he's gonna be pissed off at you and probably never want to talk to you again. You wouldn't want to be friends with you after that.  
You look up when you feel his hand on yours. He's looking at you with those big red eyes, holding your hand in his. Fuck he's so cute.  
"It's okay, Dave, I get it"  
"No you don't" you say, looking down again, "I'm supposed to like girls, I'm not supposed to like guys, this wasn't supposed to happen, if he knew he would be-"  
"If who knew?" He asks, irritation making its way into his voice  
You don't answer, keeping your head down  
"Is it your Bro? You're worried about what your Bro would think?" He demands  
You still don't answer  
"Dave" he says, his voice softer than before, "it doesn't matter what he would think"  
You look up at him, "yeah dude, it kind of does"  
"Why?" He demands  
"Because he's...he's-"  
"He's a fucking asshole" Karkat says, cutting you off. "you didn't tell me a lot about him but I can tell I can...I can just see it"  
"Is is that obvious?" You ask  
He gives you a tight smile and nods, squeezing your hand lightly, "yeah, its pretty fucking obvious to anyone who knows you"  
You sigh and run your free hand through your hair, letting it drop back down to your side, "I guess it doesn't matter...or it shouldn't matter but I just...can't stop thinking about what he would say"  
"Well I don't know about you but I don't give a shit what he would say, he's not here and you're never going to have to deal with him again. You can do what you want Dave, you're not wrong for doing that" he says  
You look up from your hands and meet his eyes  
"Look, I get you not wanting to call this anything, if that's what makes you most comfortable I don't want to push you into anything, we can just be bros if you want to-"  
You cut him off by pressing your lips to his. He stiffens in surprise before wrapping his arms around your neck and kissing you back.

  
When Karkat is asleep beside you you sit up in bed and look towards the dim light coming from the kitchen.  
You get out of bed, careful not to wake Karkat up, and walk into the kitchen. The moon is bright through the grimy window and you look out at the city.  
You shouldn't be here.  
You turn away from the window and look back into your bedroom where Karkat is curled up asleep under your red comforter, probably looking even cuter than when you left. Your eyes land on your red backpack where it sits against the kitchen table and you sigh.  
"I'm sorry, Kat" you say, more to yourself than to him, and lean down to pick up your backpack.  
You pull a pair of pants on over the boxers you were sleeping in and adjust your shirt. You're not wearing your binder but right now you can't really bring yourself to care so you just zip your sweatshirt up all the way and pull up the hood. You can always put it back on in a gas station bathroom if you really need to.  
You take your backpack off the kitchen table and swing it over your shoulders. Taking hold of the straps you head towards the door but stop, turning back to look at the moonlit kitchen.  
Your eyes land on a piece of pink paper sitting on the messy counter top. You pick it up and look at it. On one side it's blank and on the other is some flyer for a Elvis Depressedly show. John must have brought it home from work for you.  
You turn it back to the blank side and pull open the drawer closest to you, digging around for a pen. When you find one you take it and write a quick note on the back of the flyer

  
_'Hey dude, I'm really fuckin sorry about this but I gotta go. I know you're gonna do it anyways but please don't freak out, I'm okay and I'm gonna come back, I just can't be here right now. Take care of Terezi for me. Love ya'_  
-Dave

  
**Vriska**

  
"John hurry up"  
"But it's cooooold" he whines from behind you  
"Oh stop fucking whining and come on" you say, grabbing his hand and pulling him out the door after you.  
You let go of him when you're standing on the sidewalk outside your house and shit he's right, it really is cold. You take hold of your sharp elbows to keep yourself from shaking. You sense him looking at you and glance over at him, giving him as nasty of a look as you can muster, "what?"   
He raises his dark eyebrows, smiling just enough to show his large front teeth, "you're cold, aren't you Vriska"  
"No" you snap  
He looks at you and his eyebrows rise over the top rim of his glasses  
"Oh shut up and give me your coat" you say  
He shakes his head, still smiling "nope, you're the one who said it wasn't that cold out, go get your own coat"  
You glare at him, "I fucking hate you sometimes, you know that?"  
His little grin widens into that sweet buck toothed smile that always gets you and you huff in annoyance, "you love me"  
"No, I don't actually, maybe I would if you would give me your coat, come on you have a sweatshirt underneath" you say, voice bordering on a whine   
"That's because my dad taught me to always be prepared" he says, rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically, shouldering off his coat and handing it to you, "here"  
You grin and snatch it from him, pulling it on over your bare arms and holding it closed around you to keep the heat in, "thanks Egbert, now come on, we've got places to be, people to see" you say, throwing your arm over his shoulders and pulling him against you. He's shorter than you, a fact you have always been extremely satisfied with, so you can rest your chin against his head.  
"You suck" he says but he puts his arm across your back and walks with you  
"You know what my mom taught me?" You ask as you begin your walk to the hospital  
"What?" He asks, glancing up at you  
"How to steal booze from the grocery store"  
He shakes his head, "you're fucked up, you know that?"  
"John"  
"Yeah?"  
"Fuck off"  
He laughs against you as you continue down the street towards the hospital

  
When you reach the hospital John greets the receptionist, who has come to know you in the last week, as you drag him towards the elevator. When you're in the elevator you reach to press the button for the fourth floor but John gets there first. He leans back, grinning in satisfaction and you narrow your eyes at him, "I fucking hate you"  
"You love me" he says, smiling up at you as the elevator doors close and you begin to rise  
"I'm beginning to seriously question that" you say, hitting your shoulder against his  
He laughs and hits his shoulder back against yours as the elevator comes to a stop and the doors open to a white hallway that looks just like all the other white hallways in this fucking place.  
You step out f the elevator and he follows closely as you head straight for room 413. Much to your annoyance there are two doctors standing outside of the room, talking quietly.  
You come to stand in front of them and clear your throat obnoxiously  
The two women turn to look at you in questioning and the nurse asks, "yes?"  
"We're here to visit Terezi Pyrope" you say  
"Are you family or friend?" The nurse asks  
"Family"  
"And what is your relation to Miss Pyrope?"  
"She's my sister" you say, exasperated, "would you just let me see her already"  
"I'm sorry Miss, uh...Pyrope? But we still need to run a few more tests before we can let anyone in to see her"  
"It's Serket and how long do we have to wait?" You demand, crossing your arms over your chest and glaring up at her  
"It shouldn't take more than a few hours-"  
"Oh that's just greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat" you say, letting your head fall back with a groan  
"Vriska we've waited way longer than that" John says from behind you, putting his hand on your arm  
You huff in annoyance, "doesn't mean it's not annoying as fuck"  
The nurse and doctors eyes widen and they glance at each other  
John bites his lip and gives a shaky smile to the two women, "ah, we'll be in the waiting room"  
The doctor nods, "we will let you know when we are done" but you're already being dragged back down the hall towards the fourth floor waiting room

  
You let John lead you into the small room to the seats by the large windows. Outside storm clouds are starting to gather and darken the sky. It's not cold enough for snow yet so your bet is that it's going to rain, and your bet is always right.  
"Well she was a bitch" you say, dropping down into a chair and swinging your legs up to rest on the coffee table  
He shakes his head and takes a seat beside you, "man, they really don't like you here"  
"No one likes me" you say proudly  
"That's not true" he says  
"John, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm kiiiiiiiindaaaaaaaa a huge bitch" you say, settling back against the chair.  
He opens his mouth, presumably to say something, but you shoot him a glare and he closes his mouth.  
"Well, were gonna be here for a few hours, do you think Rose or Kanaya left anything good to read lying around?" You ask, peering over your crossed legs at the pile of magazines on the coffee table  
John leans over and grabs one off the top of the pile, handing it to you. You take it from him. The cover features a tall, brown skinned woman in a slinky black dress with long black hair and tattoos running along her arms and legs. She's smiling with perfectly white, almost unnaturally sharp canine teeth, and you see that her face is set with multiple pieces of gold jewelry including a nose ring and a labret. Her face is incredibly familiar, especially the slopped nose, and you look down at the bottom corner of the magazine and see the name 'Porrim Maryam'  
"Shit" you say, raising your eyebrows  
"What?" John asks, leaning over you to see  
"I think this is Kanaya's sister" you say  
"The one that lives in Italy?"  
"Yeah I think so, I mean look at her, they look exactly alike and it says her name is Porrim Maryam" you say  
"But if they're sisters why isnt she wearing a hijab like Kanaya does?" He asks  
You shrug, flipping to the first page of the magazine, "from what I've heard Porrim isn't exactly traditional-oh fuck!"  
"What?" He asks  
"This whole fucking thing is in Italian" you say, flipping through the other glossy pages of the magazine  
"Do you think they're all in Italian?" John asks, reaching over to pick up another one from the stack. He flips it open, runs his eyes over it and nods, "yeah this ones in Italian too"  
You groan and close the magazine, tossing it back onto the table where it slides to a stop partially hanging off the edge, "fuck"  
"Well we can always just talk" John offers  
You groan even louder  
"Come oooooooon" he says, mimicking you  
"John we practically live together, anything worth talking about you were already there for" you say  
"Fine, how about I ask you a question and you answer?" He asks  
You sigh, "fine, but I'm not answering any stupid questions"  
He grins and hums in thought, "okay...what about...why did you tell that nurse you were Terezi's sister?"  
"Because I am" you say  
"Yeah but not really, right?" He says  
You turn and glare at him, "yes really, gosh John"  
"So you have the same parents?" he says  
"No, her mom was nice, mine was a massive bitch" you say  
"Then how are you sisters?" He asks  
"We just are, this is a stupid question" you say, crossing your arms over your chest  
"Okay fine, if you're sisters but you don't have the same parents how did you meet her?"  
You blink, you weren't expecting that one.  
"I've known her my whole life" you say, staring at your dirty red size eight converse on the coffee table and trying to remember a time when Terezi wasn't in your life  
"Yeah but how did you meet?" he asks  
You cross your arms over your chest and shrug, "we lived in the same neighborhood, we used to roleplay together, me and her and Aradia and Tavros. We were a team, we called ourselves 'the scourge sisters."  
"Roleplay, really? What did you roleplay?" He asks, badly concealing that he finds this funny  
"Yes John, really" you snap, "and we used to play a lot of stuff. I don't know, we were kids"  
"Who was your character, you have to have a character in roleplaying right?"  
You nod, "yeah, I was Marquise Spinneret Mindfang the greatest pirate to ever live, Terezi was Neophyte Redglare, a lawyer"  
"Just a lawyer?" He asks  
"Yeah, she always wanted to be a prosecutor like her mom. That was before the accident with her eyes but even that didn't stop her. I don't know if she still wants to do that or not, we haven't really talked about it in a long time, but she used to be really into law in high school. She was good too, she knew everything, she would have been a great lawyer, made her mom proud" you say  
"Yeah I remember her taking a lot of law classes in high school, she was always really fake uptight about the rules too, she would scold me for the stupidest shit like throwing food in Dave's backpack at lunch but then turn around and do it too. She said she always did it so it wasn't technically breaking the rules but I never knew if she was just fucking with me or not" he says  
"I can almost guarantee she was just fucking with you, she's almost always fucking with you, it seems to be one of her great joys in life" you say  
"Yeah, I know" he says, frowning  
"She was actually serious about real rules though, like laws and shit. She always got upset when I stole stuff, said we had to bring it back and threatened to tell on me. I knew she'd never do it though, she knew I didn't really have a choice, mostly she just wanted to scare me into stopping. Too bad it didn't work" you say  
"If she was so serious about the law then how did she end up getting in with Gamzee, that dude breaks like twenty laws a day" John says  
You frown and shake your head, "honestly, I still don't know. I know they were neighbors and sometimes he would just show up when we were hanging out at our fort. I actually used to get kind of jealous about it, we used to spend all our time together and then one day this fucking doped up little kid with gap teeth shows up and doesn't know shit but Terezi liked him so I dealt with him, I wasn't always kind of mean to him though"  
"So I'm assuming he doesn't like you the same way you don't like him" he says  
You shake your head, "no, he actually seemed to really like me. Called me 'spider sis' because I used to be really into spiders. It always pissed me off, nothing seemed to faze him. One time I tripped him and all he did was brush himself off and laugh. It was the worst"  
"Wow, he doesn't sound anything like the Gamzee I know" he says, "but I guess I never really knew him that well. To be honest he always kind of creeped me out"  
"Yeah you're not the only one. He used to be a really sweet kid, it was annoying as fuck honestly but it was even worse when he started to change"  
"What happened?"  
You shrug, "he started doing a lot of drugs, mostly weed and prescription shit. He used to disappear for days sometimes and show up and he was completely different. Angry and mean, the littlest shit set him off. I remember one time Tavros asked if we could play at his house and he got really pissed, started yelling about shit that didn't make any sense and then he just left and didn't come back for a week"  
"Sounds like he had problems" John says  
You scoff, "uh yeah, you could call it that. That assholes always been fucked up, I never liked him and now I know why. He's dangerous, he always has been, if I ever see his clown ass again I swear to god I'm going to kill him"  
"Do you think Terezi would want that?"  
You roll your eye, "probably not, she has this fucking attachment to him. I still don't get it but last time I told her I wanted to kill him, which by the way was when she showed up at my house with a split lip, she begged me not to. He's got this...hold on her, always has. This time she almost died because of it"  
"Yeah but there's no way she'll go back to him after this, I was there when they were arguing. She was fighting him, she wasn't taking his shit. She pulled a knife on him" John says  
You grin and shake your head, "yeah, I know. I don't think I've ever been more proud of her"  
"So is that it?" He asks  
"Is what it?" You ask  
"Is that why you call each other sisters?"  
You frown, "yeah, I guess that's how it started but it was more than that. When my mom got arrested her mom took me and my sister in, let us live with them, took care of us. Me and Terezi shared a room, have ever since. We fought a lot, especially after Tavros' accident but we were always sisters. After that we had to make roleplaying more of a board game, you know, since Tavros couldn't walk anymore"  
"How did that happen anyway?" John asks  
You bite the inside of your lip, "doesn't matter, it was an accident and it was a long time ago. Same with Aradia getting hurt and spending all that time in the hospital when we were in middle school, Terezi was pretty pissed off at me about that one too. She didn't talk to me for weeks which you would think wouldn't be possible since we literally shared a room but you'd be surprised with her, Terezi gets real serious about that shit. Took me weeks to get her to talk to me again. Hell, she was more pissed off about what happened to Tavros and Aradia than about loosing her own vision and don't ask me how that happened either cause I'm not gonna tell you. Just know it was my fault and for some reason she forgave me, she always forgave me in the end, no matter how shitty I was. I don't know if she's gonna forgive me this time though, I know I wouldn't"  
John puts a hand on your arm, leaning over to look at you, "this isn't your fault, Vriska"  
You sigh and shake your head, "you weren't there...I said some really shitty things to her. I blamed her for what that asshole was doing to her. I just wanted her to stay away from him, I didn't want to see her get hurt again but I just ended up pushing her right back to him"  
"She probably would have gone back to him anyways, you said it yourself, he's always had a hold on her" he says  
You shrug, "maybe, doesn't mean I'm gonna stop feeling shitty about it"  
There's a silence as you just sit there in that empty waiting room waiting to see your sister who's in the other room on life support. Finally John breaks the silence, "I'm gonna go get some coffee from the cafeteria, you want any?"  
You nod stiffly, keeping your eyes on your shoes  
"Alright, I'll be right back" he says, putting a hand on your shoulder and walking out of the waiting room. You watch through the large windows until he disappears down the hallway.

  
You sigh, slumping in your seat. You entertain yourself by counting the rips in your jeans while you wait for John to get back with the coffee. You're glad he's getting it, you could really use the caffeine and the warmth right now.  
From down the hall you hear something start to beep loudly and you frown, pushing yourself up and walking over to the door of the waiting room, looking down the hall to see nurses gathered outside of room 413. Your stomach drops.  
"Hey, I got the coffee" a voice says from behind you and you jump, looking over your shoulder to see John holding two cups of shitty coffee and smiling up at you.  
When the beeping continues he frowns, "what's that?"  
You shake your head, "I don't know"  
The beeping becomes erratic and there's a call for a doctor.  
"Wait Vriska-" John starts but you're already running  
You stop at the door of room 413 and push passed a nurse that's standing in your way  
Inside the room the machines connected to Terezi are beeping loudly and another nurse is leaned over her, calling for a doctor  
"What's happening to her?" You demand  
"Miss you need to leave" the other nurse says   
"No I can't, that's my sister, what's happening to her, tell me what's happening!" You yell  
"Miss please-"  
"No! Let me see her, I need to see her!"  
Then there are hands on you and your being pulled out of the room  
"No! Let go of me! I need to see her!" you yell  
You fight against the hands on you, yelling all the curse words you know as you're dragged back into the waiting room  
"Vriska calm down" John says, holding up his hands and looking at you with concern  
You grab your hair in your fists and pull, "I can't fucking calm down, what's happening to her, what's happening!?" You yell, your eye burning with tears that you refuse to let fall  
"I don't know but you need to let the doctors help her" he says, putting a hand on your arm  
You shake him off roughly, "don't touch me! I- I need to- FUCK!" You yell, pulling on your hair and squeezing your eye shut  
Then you're being pulled into a hug and you're still cursing but it's quieter, muffled by the material of his sweatshirt. After a moment you hug him back as tightly as you can and let yourself be held in that waiting room as the person you love most in the world is coding right down the hall


	19. everything can heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “you look at me and cry  
> everything hurts  
> I hold you and whisper  
> but everything can heal”  
> ― Rupi Kaur  
>   
> It hurts, living hurts, and everyone knows that all too well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a new job as a barista at a coffee shop and it's really nice so far. I get good benefits and free drinks and food  
> Rose's pov is kinda personal (like this whole thing isn't personal lol) cause I've been kinda struggling with alcohol lately. I threw up for the first time the other day in the equivalent of a flop house toilet but I was way too drunk and totally deserved it.  
> Also happy holidays I guess

 

 **Rose**  
  
It's cold in the hallway as you exit your apartment, locking the door behind you and hurrying to the stairs.  
Outside it's even colder and you pull your black cardigan tighter around you holding your bag close to your chest  
It's been a while since you've been out. With Terezi being in the hospital and Dave leaving you haven't been able to. Tonight you're going to a venue near Roxy's house, The Void, to see a small show by Grimes which means it's going to be a party. It's also been almost a week since the last time you drank and you've been wanting it more and more.  
You smile at the rain at the thought of an open bar tonight and close your eyes, taking in the smell of the city as you walk.  
You know you should stop, the shakiness and vague nausea in your stomach tell you as much, but you also know that you like the way it makes you feel. You like the warmth in your chest and the smile on your lips, you like that everything is slow and soft when you drink wine and fast and hard when you drink liquor. You like the bitterness, the bite of it in the back of your throat. You like it.  
What you don't like are the looks you get from your friends. You try to drink before going out now, it's just easier without everyone looking at you. By the time you see them you're drunk enough to not care about the worries looks they give you and you can just let go. All your friends have seen you as a drunk mess before. Kanaya has held you and kissed your sweaty forehead and talked to you softly while you slurred how much you loved her. You've found that you can only really say it when you're drunk. Dave has helped you home and fallen asleep with you when you didn't want to be alone. Jade has held back your hair while you puked into a gross gas station toilet. John has made you coffee and covered part of your shift while you were hung over at work the next morning. Your friends all take care of you as much as they can but there's a point where they just can't help anymore. There's a point when no hugs or reassuring looks, or worse worried glances and bitten lower lips, can help you. And you feel you've been getting to that point more and more.  
You shake yourself out of your thoughts as you near Roxy's apartment building. You are not going into tonight thinking like this. This is going to be fun, maybe you can even get Roxy to drink with you. It's been a long time since you've been drunk together and you miss it. But you know she's mostly stopped drinking and for not the first time you feel almost sad about it before reminding yourself that you should be happy for her and maybe doing the same. You shake that thought away as well. You can stop whenever you want to, you are in control, you're just not ready to stop yet. Yeah, not ready.  
  
When you reach the apartment building you hurry inside and climb the stairs to Roxy's floor.  
When you come to her door you knock and wait until you hear a familiar voice from inside "I'm comin!"  
"Phrasing!" You call back and you hear her laugh as she swings open the door for you.  
She's wearing a low cut pink dress with black leggings and a pair of black heeled boots you recognize from a shopping trip you took with Kanaya a few months ago.  
She grins when she sees you and throws open her arms, "Rosey! You always know how to make me lolz"  
You smile and lean in for the hug, planting a kiss on both cheeks before pulling back.  
"I am known to be quite entertaining, but that particular one I must attribute to Dave, or more accurately one of Dave's shows" you say as she steps aside to let you in  
"What's it called? he's always telling me about shoes I have to watch I can't remember all of them, I swear all that boy does is eat and watch Netflix" she says as you follow her into the apartment  
"I believe it's called Archer, and isn't that what you do" you say, raising an eyebrow  
She grins, "hells yeah it is, I never said it was a bad thing, and I'll have to make D-stri watch it with me, you and Dave too. It can be Strilalonde family time!"  
You smile, "you mean 'see who can make the most obnoxiously obscure comments on the media being viewed time'?"  
She grins, "yeah sis, that's what we're about!"  
"Well I am certainly about that as well, just as I am about seeing Grimes for $15 tonight" you say  
"Me too, sis, Grimes is my girl!" she says  
You laugh, "that she is, if I ever get to go to school I will write the feminist icons paper that I am sure to be assigned on Claire Boucher"  
"I can't wait to read it!" Roxy says, throwing her arm over your shoulder  
She's taller than you but not by much.  
You loop your arm around her back and give her a smile,  
"then let us bounce"  
  
Everything is a dark inky black  
Bodies move in something like slow motion as the high pitched, ethereal vocals of Oblivion project throughout the small space that is The Void

  
_Another walk about, after dark_  
_It's my point of view_  
_If someone could break your neck_  
_Coming up behind you always coming and you'd never have a clue_  
  
You've lost Roxy in the crowd but for now that's okay  
What isn't okay is that you've drained your cup of vodka  
You push through the crowd of people, letting yourself sink into the sound of the music  
When you reach the steps you climb them shakily in your heels, not bothering to avoid bumping into the other people standing on the steps, singing along to the song and messily making out. Once you're through the crowd of people you order another drink and take a place against the wall with your drink  
Everything is hazy but you're smiling and warm despite having taken off your cardigan hours ago when the openers were still playing  
You find yourself singing along to the song as you look out over the crowd of people moving below you  
  
_To look into my eyes and tell me_  
_La la la la la_  
_To look into my eyes and tell me_  
_La la la la la_  
_La la la la la_  
_La la la la la_  
  
You're about to sing your favorite line, _'see you on a dark night'_ when your eyes focus on something red  
You blink, squinting against the dim lighting to make it out  
There's a figure standing in the corner of the balcony, looking out over the crowd with a head of pale blond hair that matches your own and a red sweatshirt  
Of course, he would never miss a Grimes show  
You make your way across the balcony, stumbling a little in your heels as you near the person in the red sweatshirt  
When you're close enough to be heard over the music you say, "Dave?"  
He doesn't respond so you try again, leaning in close to his ear, "oh David"  
He jumps, cursing and spinning around to face you and you find yourself looking up into the wide red eyes of your twin brother. His shades are pushed up on his head, flattening his white blond hair under them and leaving his eyes uncharacteristically exposed. It's dark in here so there wouldn't be any light to hurt his sensitive eyes and he's gotten over the whole 'weird red eyes' insecurity, at least he claims to anyway.  
You smile at him and he narrows his eyes but looks relieved, "shit Rose you scared the fuck out of me"  
Your smile widens and he rolls his eyes, "fuck you"  
You giggle, "gladly"  
"Oh no, none of that fuckin Freudian shit right now, I haven't seen you in a week and this is what you choose to say to me?" he says  
You raise an eyebrow, "if I recall, the reason you haven't seen me in a week is that you decided it would be a good idea for you to go back to your juvenile habit of running away, specifically to diners and gas stations, so I don't believe that that fact is through any fault of my own"  
He rolls his eyes, "yeah whatever." His eyes move over to the cup in your hand and your stomach sinks when you see his face. He looks disappointed, which hurts more than you want to admit.  
"I don't have to explain myself to you" you snap  
He raises his eyebrows, "I didn't say shit, geese Rose, gettin a little defensive"  
You sigh, glancing at the cup in your hand, "I'm sorry"  
"Wow, fuck me you actually apologized with some level of sincerity" he says  
You smack his arm, "shut up, Strider"  
"Never Lalonde"  
"So, what brings you out of your self induced exile?" You ask, taking a tentative sip of your drink. If he notices he doesn't say anything so you take another, allowing the warmth to spread from your throat and stomach to your whole body. This is your third drink of the night and you're definitely starting to feel the alcohols affects on your body.  
"Did you really think I was gonna miss a $15 Grimes show?" He asks  
You smile, taking another sip of your drink, "I figured as much but I thought I would ask, so does this mean you're back?"  
He bites his lip and looks to the side  
"Dave" you repeat, leaning closer to him  
"What?" He asks  
"I said does this mean you're back?"  
He shakes his head, "no"  
"Dave, Karkat is worried, I'm worried, stop being stupid and come home"  
"Well don't be worried" he says  
"Dave"  
"Rose"  
You roll your eyes, "oh don't give me that, Strider"  
"Don't give you that? You're telling me I'm being stupid when you're the one standing there drunk" he says, gesturing to the cup in your hand  
"Dave its nighttime and I'm at a show, I'm allowed to drink"  
"Yeah but you know what it does, you cant just have one drink you always have to go overboard, fuck Rose, how many times have me or Kanaya found you drunk in the last month? I'll come home when you stop drinking" he says  
"Maybe I will" you say  
He shakes his head, looking sad "no, you won't, you care about drinking more than you care about us, you're gonna end up just like mom and I'm not going to fucking watch you do it anymore"  
"That's not true and you know it, Dave" you say. You're starting to feel sick.  
"Yeah it kinda fucking is, Rose. I've stayed out of this, I've let you do what you want because I didn't want to tell you what to do, I've fucking helped you and I can't fucking do it anymore, I can't. You're killing yourself, Rose and I'm not-I'm not gonna watch it happen anymore. You can do what you want but you can do it without me" he says, turning towards the stairs  
Desperation pushes its way into your throat and you reach out, grasping for a hold on his arm, "Dave wait"  
He stops but doesn't turn around  
"I...I'm sorry" you say, quieter this time.  
He doesn't turn around but you hear him say, "yeah, me too" and then he's walking down he stairs and disappearing into the crowd  
"Dave wait!" You call, trying to make your voice loud enough to be heard over the music but if he hears you he doesn't listen because he doesn't come back.  
Your stomach twists and your eyes burn as you lower your hand and let it drop to your side, "wait..."  
He isn't coming back, and it's your fault. You look down and your eyes land on the half empty drink in your hand.  
You bite your lip and look away. Dave is right, you know he is, but you don't want to think about that, you don't want to think at all. So before you can think about it more you bring the cup to your lips and tip the alcohol into your mouth in one go. You come up gasping, your throat burning but already you feel better. You order another drink.  
  
The vomit makes a sickening sound as you retch it into the dirty toilet. It burns more coming up, it always does.  
When you think you've finally emptied your stomach you slump against the toilet, resting your sweaty cheek on the seat as you catch your breath. You stare at the graffiti on the bathroom stall walls until a knock catches your attention.  
"Occupied" you say, not bothering to make it nice  
There's another knock. Annoyed, you turn your head to face the door, "I said OCCUPIED"  
That's when you see the shoes. From under the stall door you can see that whoever is knocking is wearing a pair of old red vans with dicks drawn on them in sharpie.  
You sigh and push yourself up with some effort, turning the lock on the door and opening it slowly.  
Dave looks back at you and you expect him to look upset but mostly he just looks like he needs to get some sleep.  
You blink, "Dave, what are you doing in here, this is the girls bathroom"  
He raises his eyebrows and gives you a tight smile, "one of the perks of not having an actual dick, I can use the girls bathroom"  
Suddenly you have so much to say and it all spills from your mouth without a thought. "I'm sorry...I...you were right, I don't care about drinking more than you but I made you feel like I did. You're right, I know I need to stop I just...I don't know how to. I don't want to be the one that's weak I just...please don't leave because of me, please"  
He's silent for a second and you hold eye contact with him behind his shades. You're one of the only people who can see through them. Finally he sighs and gives you a tired smile, "it's fine, Rose"  
You shake your head, your eyes starting to fill with tears that you're too tired and too intoxicated to hold back, "no it's not...you were right, you were right, I need help...I just...I can't do it alone"  
His smile widens and he holds his arms out to you. You blink, looking at him though the tears blurring your vision and then you're wrapping your arms around him and burying your face into his shoulder.  
"You're not alone" he says  
"But you said you were done..." you say, words muffled by his sweatshirt  
"Are you kidding, Lalonde? You're not getting rid of me that easy. We're gonna do this, together" he says  
You pull back and look up at him, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. You know you're smearing your makeup but you don't care. You nod, giving him a teary smile  
"Together"  
   
**Dave**  
**  
**From the bathroom you hear Grimes give her goodnight and the crowd cheers.  
You look at Rose, smiling, "come on, lets go find Roxy"  
You find Roxy in the quickly thinning crowd. Her face breaks into a smile and she opens her arms when she sees you, "theres my fave twins!"  
You grin and accept her hug, "thanks Rox, but you know you like me better" you say  
"Hey, I am clearly the superior twin here" Rose says, words still a little slurred  
"I hope you know I am fully prepared to fight you for this title, Lalonde" you say and she grins, "bring it on, Strider"  
"Kids, kids" Roxy says, stepping between you. She slings her arms over both your shoulders and pulls you against her, "I love both of you equally"  
You tell Roxy when you get back to her apartment, or really Rose does, you just sit there quietly holding Rose's hand and nodding when looked to for confirmation. Roxy says she knew something was going on but she also knew what it was like to have that problem and she knew how Rose would react if she tried to intervene before she was ready. Roxy promises to help and Rose promises to stop drinking anf they end the conversation with a tight hug.  
"Love ya, sis" Roxy says, smiling against Rose's shoulder  
"Love you too" Rose says  
"No love for the little bro here?" you ask  
They break apart, both smiling  
"Really David, you are so needy" Rose says  
"Aw, come here little bro" Roxy says, slinging her arm over your shoulder and pulling you into the hug  
You and Rose spend the night at Roxy's, her sleeping on the couch and you on the floor.  
You wait until they're both asleep before quietly standing and heading towards the door. Your hand is just over the knob when a tired voice stops you dead  
"You're leaving?"  
You look back over your shoulder to see Rose looking at you from over the back of the couch. She looks like she's still asleep and probably still a little drunk but mostly she looks disappointed.  
You nod, keeping your eyes from hers, "yeah, I gotta go, people to see, things to do, you know how it is"  
She looks at you sadly, "just...don't go too far, okay?"  
You nod, "I won't"  
With that you turn the knob and slip out the door into the dark hallway. When you make it outside the air is cold and you light a cigarette to keep warm. It's one of your last ones, you're also running out of money but you can't go back, not yet, you're not ready to face what happened. You wonder how Terezi is doing, you would bet that even in a coma she's still fighting. You're a pretty shitty gambler but you think you would win that bet.  
**  
****Karkat**  
**  
**It's cold in the waiting room as you sit reading the same paragraph in a magazine that you have been for the last half hour. You would think they would keep a hospital warm but the more time you spend here the more you realize that it's a shit hole. Then again it is the only reason Terezi is alive right now and has basically been your home for the last two weeks so you guess you have to give the place some credit.  
You've been here since yesterday when you woke up to a phone call with Vriska screaming on the other end. Eventually John took the phone from her and told you to come to the hospital. You ran out of the apartment.  
The doctors stabilized her but she still hasn't woken up and they say that it's too early to make an accurate guess as to when she will. So you've just been here, waiting. Vriska is in Terezi's room, sleeping beside her on the tiny hospital bed and John left to go get some more coffee from the cafeteria.  
You look up from the magazine you weren't even reading when you hear someone say "hey"  
John stands in the doorway with two styrofoam cups of shitty coffee and a bag of mini chips ahoy. He gives you a classic Egbert smile but you know him well enough to see that it's not as enthusiastic as usual. He's been here even longer than you and in that time he can't have gotten much sleep, you know you didn't.  
"What John" you say, lowering your magazine and sitting up in your chair  
"I've got coffee" he says, walking over to take a seat across the coffee table from you. He takes one cup for himself and offers the other to you.  
"Thanks" you say as you take the warm cup from his hands.  
"I got some more chips ahoy too" he says, setting the blue bag on the table in front of you, "I just figured it would be nice to have something to dip in the coffee"  
You raise your eyebrows, "wow Egbert, learn that in your barista training? Chocolate tastes good with coffee, who the ever loving fuck would have guessed!"  
"Shut up, I know stuff about coffee, I work at a coffee shop" he says defensively  
"Dude you don't even know the difference between a latte and a cappuccino, even I know that" you say  
"Yeah I do, a latte has more foam and a cappuccino has more milk, duh" he says  
"Other way around, dude" you say, taking a sip of your coffee. It tastes like shit.  
"Oh shit, really?" He asks, looking worried, "that's probably why that one lady glares at me whenever I hand her her drink"  
You nod, "yeah dude, that's like...coffee 101, how the fuck do you not know this?"  
"I don't know it's all just coffee to me okay, I don't see why it matters how much foam and milk is in it" he says  
"Dude how the fuck did you get that job?" You ask  
He shrugs, "I don't know, they were short staffed, also I think Jake's sister Joey used to work there or something"  
"Is that the one that convinced you aliens were real?" You ask  
"They are real and no, that's her brother Jude. Man I haven't seen them in years, we used to get into so much shit together when we were growing up" he says  
"If they're anything like you I'm sure you did" you say, imagining the horror on not one but two Johns.  
John doesn't reply and instead takes a sip of his coffee, opening the chips ahoy bag and popping one in his mouth, "I'm going to take Vriska home for a while so she can sleep in an actual bed, I think it will make her feel better"  
You nod, thinking of Vriska's bitchier than usual attitude in the last day, "yeah, maybe some sleep will make her less of a bitch"  
John rolls his eyes and pops another cookie in his mouth, "do you want to come with us or stay here?"  
You grab one too and shake your head, "Rose and Kanaya are supposed to come today and I said I would wait for them"  
"Okay, say hey to them for me" he says, taking one last sip of his coffee, digging a handful of cookies from the bag and stuffing them in his mouth before standing and walking out of the small waiting room, "see you, dude"  
You nod but don't say anything else. You go back to your magazine with coffee in hand, this time actually making an effort to read the article, 'See You On A Dark Night." Its about how one Grimes' songs, Oblivion, is actually about sexual assault. It's pretty interesting, you don't listen to her but you know Dave does and from what you remember Oblivion is his favorite song. You'll have to show him this when he finally comes back. Yeah, when.  
  
By the time Rose and Kanaya come an hour and a half later you've finished the article and moved onto one of the cheesy vampire romance novels Kanaya left last time she was here  
"So, how is she?" Rose asks, taking a seat in the chair John had vacated  
You sigh and rub your temple, "still out but she's stable"  
"Well that is certainly good to hear" Kanaya says  
You nod, "yeah, I know it is I just...it's bene two weeks"  
"Karkat, she'll wake up. Remember the coma is medically induced, it's to give her body time to heal, she had a lot of damage" Rose says  
"Yeah I fucking know she had a lot of damage I was there" you snap  
Rose lets out a breath through her nose, visibly calming herself, "has Dave contacted you?"  
You're already vaguely nauseous but now you feel like you're going to throw up. You shake you head, keeping your eyes on the cup of coffee John left, "I talked to him last week, he came back to the apartment but he left while I was asleep"  
You reach into the pocket of your hoodie and pull out the note written in slightly messy red ink, handing it to Rose  
She takes it and her eyes scan the paper before she nods in understanding and hands it back to you, "I spoke to him about a week ago as well. He came back to Roxy's apartment but I woke up to him leaving"  
"Why didn't you fucking stop him?" You demand, suddenly angry  
"I couldn't get him to stay even if I tried, Karkat, trust me, I know my brother" she says calmly  
You sigh, running a hand through your hair, "you're right, I'm sorry I was being an asshole I just...I wish he would come back"  
She nods in understanding and puts a hand on your arm, "he will, he always does, he just needs time"  
Your eyes are starting to fill with tears and no you are not crying right now you have cried way too much in the last two weeks. You squeeze your eyes shut, running a hand through your unbrushed hair, "I just want my friends to be okay"  
"They will be Karkat" Kanaya says, putting a hand on your back and rubbing in circles like she used to do when you were little  
You blink back the tears and sit up, wiping your nose on your sweatshirt sleeve  
"How long have you been here?" Rose asks  
"Since yesterday" you say  
"And when was the last time you slept?" She asks  
"...yesterday"  
"Ah, I see, well I think it would be best if you went home and got some rest, Kanaya and I will stay here in case there's any news on Terezi"  
You nod, "yeah that...that sounds good"  
  
The walk home is cold and silent. You keep your hands stuffed into your pockets as you hunch against the wind, your hand holding the note Dave left you. You tell yourself that if anyone knows Dave it's Rose, and she said he would come back in time. It doesn't make you feel better.  
By the time you reach the apartment it's dark out and you climb the stairs in silence. When you open the door the kitchen light is on and the tv is playing on low volume. The bedroom door is closed.  
"Oh, hey Karkat" John says, turning from where he stands at the counter  
"Want a hot pocket?" he asks, offering up a plate of soggy looking pizza hot pockets  
You shake your head, "uh no thanks, I'm just going to go lay down"  
He shrugs, "okay, more for me. Just don't wake Vriska up"  
"Who the fuck do you think I am, Egbert, I might hate myself but I don't have a death wish" you say  
He laughs and turns back to his hot pockets, "night dude"  
You open the bedroom door quietly, making sure you took your shoes off so you don't make any noise. Vriska is on John's bed in a mess of ghost buster sheets with her arm over a stuffed 8 ball, snoring.  
You ignore her and make your way over to Dave's bed, quietly slipping under the covers and curling up, pulling them around your shoulders to make a cocoon of blankets as you settle into the bed which is somehow not as messy as John's. You take a deep breath and close your eyes, nuzzling into the soft material of the comforter. It smells like him, a smell you can't really place but it's familiar, it makes you think about him, I makes you feel at home.  
**  
****Gamzee**  
**  
**The music is loud but not louder than the pounding in your head. The band on stage is playing bad 90's era grunge and its making your headache worse.  
You look around, watching people in the crowd moving in slow motion to the scratchy vocals and deep beat of the base. You're here to make some money, then you can have fun. As you look out over the crowd your eyes land on the back corner of the venue where some high school age kids are hanging out. You grin and head towards them, your head still spinning.  
You don't remember exactly what you took but it made the pain of the knife wounds stop, at least for the most part, it numbed you, which was enough. You figured that the knife couldn't have hit anything major or you'd have bled out in that alley, so after taking off you went to the nearest convince store and got some gauze to wrap your wounds.   
You haven't been back to your apartment in case the cops are looking for you. When you ran out of that alley Terezi was clinging to consciousness out of what you know to be sheer force of will but for all you know she could be dead right now. You really beat her bad this time, you fucked up, you really fucked up, but you're not about to go to jail for it. You don't even know how long it's been since that night, it's all a blur of drugs you can't name and the dirty couches of people you barely know.  
As you approach the group of kids one boy looks up at you with angry red eyes and a large scar on the right side of his face. He's short and has a buzz cut but you can see that his hair is black and hes wearing a pair of red suspenders over a This Is Hardcore shirt. You've seen his face before but you can't remember where, you're too fucked up to even process what's going on right now, let alone where you've seen this kid in the suspenders before.  
You come to a stop in front of the group and give them a grin, "what's up motherfuckers?" "What do you want?" the boy demands.  
You shrug, "just gettin my motherfuckin chill on, wanted to know if you were up to be joinin me"  
He wrinkles his nose, "are you trying to sell us drugs or something?"  
You give him a lopsided grin, "if that's what you're up an lookin for my brother"  
He gives you a disgusted look, "we don't _do_ drugs, we're straight edge" he holds up his arms in an x and the rest of the group follows suit, "so get lost dude"  
You shrug, "whatever makes your miracles, bro"  
You slip out the door and into the alley. From outside you can hear the music pounding but it's distant, muted. Or maybe that's just the drugs fucking with your head. You need something to focus your mind.  
You lean against the wall opposite to the venues back door and dig into the pocket of your polka dot pajama pants, fingers brushing a joint and a pack of cigarettes, until you find a plastic baggie full of pills. You hold them up in the dim light and inspect them. You got them from some dude you met at a club, another dealer, you traded him a pack of cigarettes and three grams of weed for them. He didn't tell you what they were or what they did but he said they were a good high and that was all you needed to hear.  
You open the little plastic bag and reach inside, selecting a small green pill. You hold it up, inspecting it in the dim light before shrugging and tipping it back into your mouth, washing it down with the stale beer you've been carrying around all night. You take two more different colored pills before slipping the bag back into your pocket and finishing off your drink  
The alcohol doesn't burn going down, you barely even taste it anymore and if you were to compare the taste to anything it would be piss, but you can already feel the drugs starting to wake you up. You pull out your pipe.  
  
You don't know what else you do, you don't really know much of anything except that you're in the alley behind the venue and you can't feel your body.  
Someone is kicking you and you blink back all the blurry colors, trying to focus on their face. It's the boy from before and suddenly you remember him, "hey you, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" Caliborn demands. Fuck his voice is annoying, he always was your least favorite of the twins. You try to speak but nothing will come out. Caliborn curses and looks around but the streets are empty and theres no sign of the group he was with before. He looks back at you, grimaces and takes a few steps back from you, "fuck this shit." With that he turns and runs, disappearing from your view out into the street.    
You try to speak again, to call after him, but all you can manage to slur is, "motherfuck" and then it all goes black  
**  
****Dave**  
**  
**It’s freezing rain outside as you walk quickly to Derse Diner down the street  
You need some coffee and maybe some hash browns before you can think about anything today  
It’s been three weeks since you checked Terezi into the hospital and everything has been slow and cold since  
You can’t feel anything, you can’t even make yourself go see her because if you do you’ll have to face that she's really there, really unconscious and really in danger of dying. In your pocket your phone hums and it breaks you out of your haze. You pull your phone out of your pocket with your cold damp hands and press it to your ear without looking at the screen, “Yo"  
“Dave," It’s Rose, her voice is pained and hollow.  
“Rose?” You reply, worry making its way into your voice. There’s something wrong, Rose doesn’t sound like this, she’s the strong one, the collected one.  
“Dave…I don’t know what to do” she says.  
You slow your walk and step under the cover of a shop, waiting for her to continue.  
“It’s mom…Roxy called from the hospital...she’s dead Dave." Her voice is shaking and you’re shaking too and it’s raining and you’re cold and your whole world is falling away  
"Mom is dead"


	20. i'm wide awake, it's morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The sun came up with no conclusion  
> Flowers sleeping in their beds  
> This city's cemetery's humming  
> I'm wide awake, it's morning"  
> -Bright Eyes- [Road To Joy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37r9aqTxhBQ)  
>   
> For some people waking up for work or class in the morning is the hardest part of their day, for Terezi and the twins, its not even close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to Bright Eyes when I wrote this, I'm Wide Awake It's Morning is a really good album, it helps me a lot. My anxiety has been bad again like it was in high school so I haven't been eating and have been smoking to calm myself down at work. Writing this helps.  
> Sorry this took like three months, I've been working a lot. There are only three more chapters left!  
> Also shout out to my friend's crazy roomate from last year who tried to get us to do fuckin black tar heroin that one time for giving me the idea for the drug Gamzee overdoses on. That entire thing is why you don't live in a house in Philly with five strangers, cause some of them are gonna be fuckin crazy.

**Rose**

Its been three weeks since you brought Terezi to the hospital

It's been one week since you got the call that stopped everything

They say time is the best healer, you think that's bullshit

You’re sitting in your favorite spot by the window, watching cars driving by and people running for cover from the falling rain.

It's been easier than you expected. Kanaya has been there the whole time to hold your hand, but it’s your other hand, the empty one, that leaves you feeling incomplete. You guess maybe all that twin bullshit has some semblance of truth to it because for the last week you haven’t seen or heard from your brother and everything feels wrong.

You think on this while you sit by the open window watching the rain and feeling it lightly on your face. You don’t notice the person on the sidewalk bellow running toward the building in the rain, white blonde hair covered by a red hood  
When there’s a knock at the door of your apartment it breaks you from your daze, you’d been starring at the cars passing and barely noticed the noise.  
Still you put down your now cold mug of black coffee and get up to get the door  
When you open it you feel at ease for the first time in a week as you look at your twin brother standing on the other side, dripping wet from the rain.  
“Dave?” You say  
“Sup” he says, voice quiet  
His eyes are unfocused and you notice that he’s not wearing his shades. He looks like he’s barely even awake.  
“Can i come in?” He asks, his eyes still down and distant  
“What’s the password?” You ask  
“Not in the mood” he says numbly  
“Did you forget the password?” You ask, giving him a knowing smile  
He doesn’t say anything  
“Well if you don’t know the password then I'm afraid I can't-”  
“Rose” he says  
You stop mid sentence  
“Please stop” he says and there is pain in his voice

You nod stiffly and step back “of course”  
He looks at you for true confirmation and then walks in, his hands still buried in the pockets of his red sweatshirt. You close the door softly behind him and bite your lip, realizing only after you do that you haven’t taken your lipstick off yet  
Dave has walked over to the space between the kitchen and living room and is looking around like he’s lost  
“Aren’t you going to take those off?” You ask, pointing to his soaking wet dick covered red vans  
He looks down like he’s only just noticing them, “if it’s cool that I’m here” he says  
You give him an incredulous look, “of course it’s 'cool” you say, imitating his voice  
He looks like he doesn’t really believe you but he’s distracted, you can see it in his distant eyes and shaking hands  
You realize that he’s not going to do anything unless you give him a push so you walk passed him to the kitchen and set your mug of coffee on the counter  
“Take those off and throw them in the bathroom, I’ll get you dry clothes” you say  
He opens his mouth to say something but he shuts it again  
You walk into the bedroom and pull out some dry clothes you still have from the time you lived together. When you walk back into the living room he’s still standing there in the same spot as before. He doesn’t even turn when you walk back in  
“Dave” you say  
He doesn’t react  
“Dave” you say again  
This time he turns and looks at you with hazy eyes, he hasn’t slept in a while that much you can tell  
You want to ask him where he’s been but you know better than to ask, you know most of his places anyway, it’s best to just let him tell you when he wants to  
“Hmm?” He asks  
“Your clothes” you say, holding out the arm full of dry clothes to him  
It takes him a second to react before he takes the clothes into his arms and holds them close  
He looks between them and you and then gives you a nod and mumbles a “thanks” before turning and padding into the bathroom  
You watch him go and chew at your lip as you do, at least he's home.  
You take a deep breath and set to making something nice and warm and calming to occupy your mind  
You walk into the little kitchen and look around. You could make coffee, that’s what you would normally do, but coffee really isn’t good for Dave, he doesn’t get enough sleep and he drinks too much as it is, besides it’ll just make him get sick and shaky since there’s no way he’s eaten anything more than some diner hash browns and eggs in the last week. You’ll have to make him some food too but something light, he won’t eat a lot at one time.  
You walk over to the refrigerator and pull open the door  
You lean down to look inside the dimness of the refrigerator  
There isn’t much in there, what with being in and out of the hospital for the last three weeks and going to work neither you or Kanaya have really had the time to do any grocery shopping  
There is the pitcher of lavender earl grey tea that Aradia have you a few weeks ago, some left over vegetable stir fry from last week, three orange sodas for when Dirk comes over, a partially smushed cinnamon bun you got from work and a quart of apple cider that's been in there since thanksgiving.  
You hum in thought before grabbing the apple cider and the cinnamon bun  
You put the cinnamon bun on a plate and place it in the microwave, punching in two minutes for it to reheat

Once the microwave is going you pour the remaining apple cider into two mugs, one for you and one for Dave. When the cinnamon bun is done you take it out and replace it with the mugs of cider.

Dave walks back into the room just as you are pulling the two steaming mugs out of the microwave.  
He’s wearing a pair of pajama pants he's had since you were in middle school and an oversized hoodie with a faded screen print of Donald Glover, aka Childish Gambino, on it. The hood is pulled up to cover his damp hair and you chew at your lip again, he always puts up his hood when he feels bad.  
He looks at you and his eyes go to the mugs of cider and the cinnamon bun on the counter beside you  
“You want some?” You ask, smiling at him  
He has his hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie and his eyes look so tired but there is always something to be said for good warm food  
He shrugs, “sure”  
You smile and get the mugs off the counter  
You reach to pick up the plate of sticky buns but his hands are already there  
When you look up to meet his tired eyes he gives you a small smile  
“Thanks”  
You go to sit down on the couch and he follows  
You set the mugs of cider on the coffee table and he keeps hold of the cinnamon bun plate in his lap  
You tuck your legs underneath you and turn to him as he settles with his legs crossed and his mismatched socked feet on the coffee table  
You hand him one of the mugs without saying anything and he sets the plate between you before taking the mug into his hands  
“Thanks” he says and puts the mug to his full lips, taking a deep breath  
A calm seems to fall over him and his body relaxes as he takes a sip from the mug and then another  
Neither of you talk for a while, you just sit there in silence drinking your cider and listening to the rain  
You’re the first one to take a piece of the cinnamon bun and you make sure he knows that your looking at him when you do  
He follows and takes another piece and stuffs it into his mouth as you lick the sticky cinnamon syrup from your lips  
You’re not going to ask him where he’s been and you're not going to ask what’s wrong, that would be stupid as you already know the answer to both of those questions.  
But you do ask him something else, something you know will get his attention  
“Have you seen Karkat?” You ask, taking a sip from your mug  
He stiffens slightly then nods, “uh, yeah, last week, why?”  
“He's been looking for you” you say, watching him carefully over the rim of your mug  
“Oh” is all he says, stuffing a piece of cinnamon bun in his mouth

"Yeah he's pretty worried, you should probably text him, you know how he gets" you say like you weren't just as worried  
“How’s Roxy?” he asks, ignoring you  
You bite your lip, “she’s doing good, her and Dirk got back from the city a few days ago and she's been over every night since. She seems surprisingly okay, considering she's really the only one of us that ever got to grow up with her"  
He nods and smiles a little, “good"  
“What about you?” You ask

"What about me?" he asks

"How are you doing?"

“I’m fine”  
“No you’re not, Dave”  
“You don’t know what I am”  
“Dave”  
“Rose”  
Silence falls for a long time before he finally says, “I always wanted to know what it would be like to have a mom...like a guardian that actually gave a shit about me. I had a mom, we had a mom, and I never even got to know her"

You put your hand in his arm, "if it helps I don't think I ever really knew her either, Roxy's the only one that ever really did"  
You both just sit there in silence for a long time and then he leans forward and let’s his head fall against your shoulder  
You’re shocked for a moment before you wrap your arms around him and hold him  
His arms wrap around you and he holds you tightly, almost painfully  
He doesn’t say anything and neither do you  
No words pass between you and you don’t need to say anything to know what you’re both thinking. Maybe it's that you're twins or maybe it's just that you know each other better than anyone.  
You don’t know how long you sit like that before he finally detaches himself from you and sits back  
He takes a deep breath and looks down, his bare red eyes still blurry with tears  
“I should go look for Karkat”

You nod, "that sounds like a good idea"

He finishes off his cider and half of the sticky bun while you toss his wet clothes in the dryer

When they're warm and dry he changes back into them and slips on his shoes.

"Hey Rose?"

"Yes?"

"How is she...Terezi?"

You smile tightly, "she still hasn't woken up but she's stable, you should go see her. In fact Karkat may already be at the hospital"

He nods, "thanks Rose"

Your smile widens and you give him a wink, "anything for my dear little brother"

"Hey I was born first and you fuckin know it" he says. This is an old argument between you. You know fully well that he was in fact born first but you also know that it's fun to piss him off.

You raise your eyebrows in challenge, "prove it"

He opens his mouth to say something but must think better of it because he closes it and shoots you a glare, "you suck"

You grin and waggle your eyebrows, "that I do"

"God fucking dammit Rose! I'm leaving I'm done with this bye" he says, opening the door and hurrying out into the hallway

You giggle and give him a wave as the door closes behind him and then you're left alone.

You just stand there by the door for a minute, looking out the open window at the rain. You should probably close it, you already have water damage under that window and if Kanaya comes home and sees that it's open she'll be upset.

You walk over to the window and pull it closed, looking through the glass at the rain. The sound of the rain is now a distant murmur and you smile. You love rain.

You pick up your empty mugs and plate from the coffee table and take them to the kitchen, tossing them in the sink where you will leave them for approximately three days to 'soak' or until Kanaya comes home and just does them herself. You're still hungry as you haven't eaten since the morning and you don't want to go out in the rain to get food so you set to looking around the kitchen for food.

You pull open the cabinets and scan them for something edible. Plates, bowls, mugs, way more tea that two people should ever need in their lives, more plates, Kanaya's cooking spices. You stop as your eyes settle on the corked top of a bottle in the back corner of one of the cabinets. You tell yourself that it's not what you think it is, that it could easily be a bottle of olive oil, sometimes Kanaya's sister sends her the really good stuff right from Italy, as you reach over the other contents of the cabinet and pull out the bottle.

It's not olive oil

You stand there, looking at the unopened bottle of red wine in your hands and thinking how nice it would be to just let go.

No, no you can't, you promised Dave

But he also promised you he would stop running away and he's still doing that.

You get a bottle opener from the drawer and pop the cork from the bottle

It's what your mother always did, it's like a way to be close to her even in death, like honoring her memory, right?

With the wine stained cork and bottle opener discarded on the counter you lift the bottle to your lips

Right

 

**John**

"Fuck it's cold in here, aren't they supposed to have heat or something in a hospital" you say, pulling your sweatshirt tighter around you and trying to sink even more into the uncomfortable waiting room couch than you already are.

"Oh stop bitching" Vriska says, one blue eye focused on the phone in her hands

You look at her incredulously, "you're telling me not to bitch? you bitch about literally everything, you're like...the queen of bitching"

She grins but keeps her eye on her phone, "and proud of it"

"Who are you texting anyway?" You ask

She rolls her eye, "my fucking sister, she heard about Terezi and wants to know if there's anything she can do to help. Like I'd fucking let her fancy ivy league med school ass anywhere near Terezi with surgical tools."

"Wait your sister goes to an ivy league school? Holy shit which one?" You ask

Vriska groans, "its not so fucking special, she just does it to make me look bad, but if you must know she goes to UPENN in Philly"

"Shit, that's far" you say

"Yeah I know, that's the only good thing about it. She lives there with Meenah, Feferi's sister, and she's fucking loaded so they can like actually afford a nice place" she says coldly

"Man you really don't like your sister, I've never met her but if she got into an ivy league and wants to help Terezi then she's probably pretty nice" you say

"That's cause she's a fucking bitch and if you met her you would know. She acts all nice like she cares so much about everyone but really she's just in it for herself. At least I admit I'm a bad person, I don't try to hide it behind some bullshit about helping other people like she does"

"Well I think you're a good person" you say

She raises an eyebrow above the thin wire frames of her glasses, giving you a skeptical look

"Really Vriska, you are" you say, giving her a smile

She rolls her eye, "you think the best of everyone, John"

"You say like it's a bad thing" you say

"It is a bad thing, you're too trusting, people like me take advantage of that" she says

"Well you're not taking advantage of me" you say

"Yeah but I have before" she says

"Well everyone takes advantage of their friends, that's what friends are for" you say

She lets out a laugh and rolls her eye, shaking her head, "you really are too good Egbert, it makes me sick sometimes"

You give her a grin, "well I think you're good too"

She shakes her head, obviously not taking you seriously, "whatever you say, John"

You settle back into a comfortable silence, sipping your shitty coffee and sharing a bag of chips from the vending machine. Vriska continues to tap away on her phone and you distract yourself by scrolling through Instagram. You find yourself on Dave's account, looking at all the shitty drawings and blurry pictures of you on the toilet flipping him off. There's some of his actual photography in the mess, mostly of the dead bird skeletons he finds on the side of the road. There's also pictures of all of your friends, sitting squeezed into a booth at Ms.Paint's, running down the street in the middle of the night lit only by the neon glow of Spades bar sign, just sitting around the house watching Netflix. He really is a good photographer when he tries.

"Excuse me, are you the friends of Miss Pyrope?"

You and Vriska look up from your phones to see the head nurse, Ms.Paint, standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, why?" Vriska asks

"She's awake"

You open your mouth to say something but Vriska is already on her feet, pushing passed the nurse and out the door. You push yourself to your feet to hurry after her

When you reach room 413 Vriska is standing in the doorway. You stop by her side and glance at her. Her one blue eye is wide behind her glasses and she looks like she's about to start crying.

You follow her gaze to the bed where Terezi lays, her eyes locked on Vriska. She gives her a tired grin, "hey stupid"

You watch from the doorway as Vriska runs over to the bed and throws her arms around Terezi, pulling her tightly against her. Terezi laughs weakly and hugs her back. They sit there, holding onto each other like they're all that matters in the world.

"you are so fucking stupid, Pyrope" Vriska says, voice muffled by the material of the hospital gown Terezi is wearing.

Terezi smiles and holds her tighter, "I missed you too, Serket"

The first person you call is Dave. There's a pause and then he says "oh fuck, hey Karkat!"

You hear Karkat respond in the background "what the fuck do you want Dave I'm busy?"

"Terezi's awake"

There's another pause and some loud noises and cursing on the other end before Dave's voice comes back on the phone, "sorry, Karkat dropped his pizza pockets, we're coming"

You get off the phone with Rose just as you see Dave running down the hallway towards you followed by Karkat. You slip your phone back into your pocket and grin as Dave comes skidding to a stop in front of you.

"Hey dude" He says just as Karkat stumbles up beside him, breathing hard and doubling over with his hands braced against his knees

Dave gives him an amused but vaguely concerned look, "I told you to take it easy, dude"

Karkat answers this with a chubby middle finger before straightening back up "fuck you, it's your fault for running so fucking fast"

Dave shrugs at him and Karkat rolls his eyes, turning to you "so? How is she? How long has she been awake? Can we see her yet?"

"Woah man, slow down, chill" Dave says, putting a hand on his shoulder

Karkat opens his mouth, looking like he's about to throw a few choice words in Dave's direction in his characteristically high volume voice, but he seems to decide against it and closes his mouth.

You smile at them, "she's okay, she woke up about twenty minutes ago, and yeah, you can see her, but I can't guarantee you a Vriska free experience" you say, turning your gaze inside the room where Vriska is perched at Terezi's side on the edge of the tiny hospital bed and doesn't look like she's moving any time soon. They follow your gaze and nod in understanding.

"I wouldn't expect anything else" Dave says

"Well then come on" you say, walking into the room and gesturing for them to follow

Karkat moves to follow you but Dave suddenly hesitates, tensing up in that way he does

You know he doesn't like hospitals very much, they remind him of his Bro, more specifically him or Dirk landing in the hospital because of his Bro.

You don't know if Karkat knows or if he can just sense it because he turns back and gently takes Dave's hand on his, looking up into his eyes, "it's okay, Dave"

Dave swallows hard and nods shakily, allowing Karkat to lead him into the hospital room after you.

Terezi is talking loudly with Vriska as you enter the room and she only looks up when Vriska stops talking mid sentence

Her eyes pass over you, she's already seen you, and land on Karkat and Dave. Her bruised lips part like she wants to say something but nothing comes out.

"Hey Tez" Dave says, giving her a soft smile

She smiles back at him, her blind eyes never leaving his, "hey coolkid"

 

**Dave**

It's cold as fuck outside as you hurry down the street towards Rose and Kanaya's apartment. The weather app on your phone says that it's supposed to snow soon and despite Karkat's bitching you couldn't be more happy about it. You grew up in Texas so snow is like the coolest shit to you, literally. Then again the weather app on your phone is fucking shitty so it might all just be bullshit. You just came from the hospital, which is basically where you've been since Terezi woke up two days ago. Rose was supposed to come meet you at the hospital but she never showed and isn't answering any of your increasingly obnoxious messages.

When you reach Skaia Coffee you take out your phone and message Rose, you may as well try again, it's not like you haven't already sent her multiple pages of red text while you were bored sitting in the hospital waiting room.

 **turntechGodhead [TG]** started pestering **tentacledTherapist [TT]** at 11:34am

 **TG** : hey  
**TG** : Rose  
**TG** : Rose  
**TG** : Rooooose  
**TG** : Rose  
**TG** : god dammit would you answer me already  
**TG** : what the fuck could you possibly be doing right now that is more important than answering me  
**TG** : alright  
**TG** : that's it  
**TG** : I'm breaking in  
**TT** : please do not do that  
**TG** : shit there she is!  
**TT** : haha very funny, Dave  
**TG** : no but really I'm breaking in  
**TT** : no you are not  
**TG** : I'm doin this man  
**TG** : I'm makin this happen  
**TT** : Dave I'm serious, no  
**TG** : but whhhyyy B(  
**TT** : did you seriously just use an emoticon  
**TG** : yeah isn't it awesome  
**TG** : but seriously why?  
**TT** : because I said so  
**TG** : that's not a real reason  
**TT** : whatever reason I give is very much real, I'm serious Dave, do not break into my apartment  
**TG** : but whhhhhyyyyyyyy  
**TT** : can't you just trust that I have a good reason  
**TG** : not really no  
**TT** : well then just listen to me, do not come up here, I'm serious Dave  
**TG** : ...yeah I'm  
**TG** : gonna do it anyway  
**TT** : Dave don't!

 **turntechGodhead [TG]** ceased pestering **tentacledTherapist [TT]** at 11:38am

You slip your phone back into your pocket as you reach Rose's door. Of course you were still walking up to the apartment while having that conversation, what did she think you weren't going to totally disregard everything she said and do what you want? She should know you by now

You knock and wait 

There's no answer

"Rose come on I walked all the way up those stairs, help a bro out, I need like...water or some shit. Whatever athletic people drink"

Still no answer

"Rose seriously let me in"

Silence

You frown at the door, you know she's inside but she's not even answering you to tell you to go away.

Taking a deep breath you crouch to the floor and slip your hand under the worn down welcome mat, producing a small silver key from underneath.

You straighten back up and slip the key in the lock, turning it. The door unlocks and you remove the key, pushing your way inside the apartment

"Yo Rose I'm comin in" you call, shutting the door behind you and looking around the small but well decorated apartment. There's sickening sound from down the hall and you call "Rose?" walking through the living room and kitchen towards the bedroom. You stop at the bedroom door, which is partially open, and knock.

"Hey Rose you okay?"

You hear more retching

"Okay I'm coming in" you say, pushing through the door and into the bedroom

The bedroom is a mess, or more of a mess than usual. The bathroom door is open and you see Rose's phone sitting on the plastic tiled floor. You walk over to it and push open the door slowly, just in case she's getting dressed or something. You shared a room for four years but you still have absolutely no desire to walk in on your twin sister naked again.

When the door swings open you see that the bathroom is even more of a mess. There's toothpaste caked on the sink, the bathtub is filled up with milky water that looks to have a face wipe floating on the surface, there's shampoo and conditioner bottles on the floor surrounded by soaking wet towels and discarded clothes and a toothbrush on the side of the tub. At the center of the mess, slumped over the toilet, is Rose. Your eyes finally land on the empty liquor bottle laying on the floor beside her and your stomach twists.

"Rose what the fuck?"

She turns to you, looking up at you with hazy lavender eyes through strands of pale blond hair falling over her face. There's makeup running down her cheeks and her lipstick is smudged onto her cheek where she must have wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

As soon as she sees you her eyes go wide and she pushes herself up, "Dave-"

"You're seriously drunk, seriously Rose? It's eleven in the god damn morning" You ask

She shakes her head, "I'm not drunk, this is from last night"

"Then what the fuck is that?" You ask, pointing to the bottle of liquor laying on the floor

She bites her lower lip and glances at the bottle, "that would be...my hangover remedy"

You groan and pinch the bridge of your nose, a habit you picked up from Dirk, "jesus fucking christ"

"It's not as bad as it looks" she says

You open your eyes and look at her, shaking your head, "yeah, I bet"

"Really, Dave, its not"

"Yeah but not as bad as it looks is still fucking bad" you say

She looks down, "it's just...mom"

"You're doing this because you're upset about our mom? Jesus christ, Rose, what the fuck do you think killed her!?" You ask

She bites her lip but doesn't say anything

You shake your head and take a step back, "you know what, no, I'm not doing this, I'm not fucking doing this. I'll call Kanaya but I'm not fucking doing this shit anymore"

"Dave I'm sorry"

"Yeah, sorry for yourself" you say

She shakes her head, tears starting to fill her pale eyes, "I messed up"

"Yeah, yeah you did" you say and then, tears burning in your own eyes, you turn and run from the bathroom doorway. It's all a blur, running out of the apartment, taking the stairs two at a time. You don't register what's even happening until your foot slips on wet pavement and you pitch forward. You catch yourself on your hands, breath coming heavy, and look down at your hands. There's blood starting to drip from scraped in your palm and you can't move, you hate blood, you fucking hate blood. Then something white lands on your palm and you watch it dissolve on impact. Then there's another and another and you finally look up from your hands to see snow falling lightly, blurring your vision.

You push yourself to your feet, wincing as you stand, and look around at the falling snow. Then you start walking.

As you walk down the empty sidewalk towards your apartment, tears burning in your eyes, you think about a song from your favorite Bright Eyes album, one you and Roxy always used to sing along to when it came on in the diner

 _The sun came up with no conclusion_  
_Flowers sleeping in their beds_  
_This city's cemetery's humming_  
_I'm wide-awake, it's morning_

 

**Terezi**

The food Ms. Paint brings you from the hospital cafeteria tastes like shit, but she brought you an extra red jello. She must remember that your favorite color is red from when she was your school nurse.

You sit propped up on pillows in your hospital bed, picking at the food on your plastic tray. The doctors said you had to stay in the hospital for at least another week for evaluation before they could release you. Which again, is shit.

You should be happy to be alive but right now all you're happy for is the pain medication attached to the IV on your arm.

"Heeeeeeeey, I'm back"

You look up from your food to see Vriska standing in the doorway grinning, two large plastic Wawa cups in her hands. One is red and the other is blue.

Your face breaks into a grin, "holy shit"

She laughs and walks over to you, handing you the red one before plopping down in the chair beside your bed, "you're welcome for me being so awesome"

You roll your eyes and look down at the drink in your hands. A cherry icee, your favorite.

She takes a loud sip of her blue raspberry icee and raises her eyebrows, "well? Don't I get a thank you?"

You laugh and shake your head, "nope"

She frowns, "fuck you"

You grin, "fuck you too"

You sit in silence slurping your icees and watching the snow fall outside your window.

"Man what the fuck is this shit?" Vriska asks, peering at your tray of food with a look of mild disgust

You laugh and shrug, "fuck if I know"

"Can I have the jello?" she asks

You frown, "no way that's the only good thing on here"

"Oh come oooooooon, Terezi, share with me"

You roll your eyes and hand her the small plastic cup of jello, "here, you can have half"

She grins and takes it from you, leaning back in her chair and resting her feet on the side of your hospital bed.

"So" she says, talking through a mouth full of jello, "when are you getting out of here anyways?"

"The doctors said at least a week, maybe longer"

She lets her head fall back and groans dramatically, "that's so loooooooong"

"And you are soooooooo impatient" you say, mimicking her

She frowns and shoves another spoon full of jello in her mouth, "I'm tired of waiting, so what? For you it's only been two days but for us it's been a month"

She has a point and you tell her so

"You're still gonna come visit me every day right?" You ask

She scoffs, rolling her eyes, "duh, I'm not leaving this hospital except to get food that's actually edible until you get out"

"What about work?" You ask

She shrugs, not looking all that concerned, "they don't need me, they're not THAT busy"

"Vriska, you work at the biggest Chinese place in China town " you say

"Your point?"

"They're always busy"

She shrugs again and takes a long slurp of her icee, "meh, they'll be fine"

You laugh and shake your head, "how have you not been fired yet?"

She grins, "what can I say? I'm just THAT good"

"You have something on the manager, don't you" you say

"Maybe"

You shake your head again, "of course you do, what should Sun Luck Chinese do without you?”

You argue about this while you slurp your icees and watch Deal or No Deal on the hospital tv. After she finishes her drink Vriska leaves it on the floor next to her chair and starts messing around on her phone, feet still propped up on your bed.

In the silence left behind you start to think, staring out the window at the falling snow. You wonder where Gamzee is. You shouldn't care, you know that, and you don't, not really, but you just want to know what happened to him. You hate that you're stuck in the hospital while he's still out there but what did you expect really, there's a reason that despite yourself you're afraid of him, besides that he pretty much beat you every chance he got. You knew how easily he could loose it, go overboard and finally kill you, and maybe that's what you wanted when you stood up to him in that alley. You look down at your bare arms, counting the scars and bruises that cover your pale skin. Yeah, maybe.

A hand touches your arm, "hey Rez are you listening?"

You jump, flinching violently away from the touch. When you see that it was just Vriska your body relaxes, but your heart is still beating in your ears. She looks upset, did you do that? Fuck you did that.

"Sorry" you say, looking down at your hands 

"What? Why the fuck are you sorry?" She demands

You start shaking, holding your elbows and hugging yourself, "I-I don't know"

The look on her face is murderous, "I swear to god I'm gonna fucking kill that clown"

You look down again, hating that she saw that. You've seen Dave do it before, he tries to hide it but you see the way he flinches at loud noises and quick movements. Seeing yourself do that makes you want to throw up.

"I'm sorry" you say again because you are sorry, sorry for everything. You fucked up, it's your own fault that you're here, Vriska can blame Gamzee all she wants but in the end it was you that decided to go back. She warned you, Dave and Karkat warned you, fuck his own brother warned you, and you didn't listen.

"Fuck stop saying sorry, this isn't your fault" Vriska says

"Yeah it is" you say, still not looking at her

"How the fuck do you figure?" She demands

You hug yourself tighter, "I went back. You warned me and I went back anyway. I was stupid and I almost died because of it, I put you and everyone else through all this because I was an idiot"

"You're not fucking stupid, Terezi, you only went back because I was a bitch and blamed you for the shit he was doing" She says

You shake your head, "I would have gone back eventually anyway, and he would have hurt me and I would have let him. You were right, I'm pathetic. I deserved what he did to me"

"You didn't fucking deserve it!" She yells and you flinch at the volume

When she sees this she bites her lip and runs a hand through her mess of black hair, "fuck I-I'm sorry Terezi"

"It's alright, it's not your fault" you say quietly

"Yeah and it's not fucking yours either" she says

You stare at the bedsheets, the stark white burning your eyes, or maybe that's just tears. You squeeze your eyes shut against them, curling in on yourself.

Vriska bites her lip looking even more upset and she reaches out to put a hand on your arm but realizes at the last second and retracts it, letting it fall to her lap.

"Jesus Terezi, what did he do to you?"

You're shaking now, your eyes burning with tears you refuse to let fall.

"He's got you thinking all this shit about yourself. What did he tell you because whatever it is he's fucking wrong" she says

"It's not him" you say "it's me"

"Well then you're fucking wrong! You're the best person I know, I know that doesn't mean much coming from someone like me but I fucking mean it, Terezi. You were always there when I fucked up, no matter what stupid shit I did you were there. Even if you got mad at me it's probably what I needed. You're the strongest person I know, ask Dave if you don't believe me" she says

"What do you mean?" You ask

"I mean I told him that, the night we brought you here, I told him you were the strongest person I knew and you know what he said? He agreed with me!"

"That's just Dave, he would say that about anyone" you say

"No he fucking wouldn't, he loves you Terezi and so do I, we all do. Fuck we didn't leave this hospital for a month until you woke up and we're still here because we fucking care about you!"

You're shaking really badly, hugging yourself tightly and digging your fingers into your bruised arms.

"Please Terezi" her voice breaks, "I want my sister back"

At this you let out a sob and curl in on yourself, bringing your knees to your chest and rocking.

She lets you cry until you're too tired to anymore and you're left sitting curled up in that hospital bed, feeling numb.

Vriska gets up, stretching her long arms over her head and cracking her back.

"Move over" she says and you look up at her without turning your head, it hurts to move your eyes. She's standing there looking at you expectantly.

Slowly, with stiff, sore movements, you move over to make room for her on the tiny hospital bed. She kicks off her shoes and climbs up, settling down beside you. It's a tight squeeze, this bed is definitely not made for more than one person, but you're glad she's here.

You turn over on your side to face her, she's looking at you with her one blue eye, smiling.

Slowly, you smile back.

 

**Gamzee**

Drugs

That's the only thing on your mind

That and how much fucking pain you're in

You're running, you don't know where but you're running

When you stumble to an uneasy stop at a street corner you look around, trying to catch your breath and focus, why can't you just fucking focus?

_"Because you're higher than Sollux's SAT score, duh"_

Who said that?

You look around for any other people but the street is deserted and most of the shops look to be closed. The only places open this late are clubs and bars and twenty for hour joints like diners and the local Wawa. So who said that?

_"It's me, dummy'"_

You jump, spinning around expecting to see someone behind you but there's nothing there, just the boarded up front of what used to be a convenience store. You're pretty sure you used to walk there back in high school when you had the munchies. That must mean you're close to home.

You curse and run a hand down your face, feeling as your fingers run over the three scars and the bump in your poorly healed broken nose. You should have listened to Terezi and gone back to the hospital when you were supposed to.

Your eyes shoot open

Terezi

_"Took you long enough"_

You jump and spin back around, she must be there, she has to be there, but when you turn around there's no one there, just the empty street and closed shops

"Baby girl?" You ask, waiting in thick silence for an answer from a person that, logically, isn't actually there. But you were never a logical thinker sober, and you're probably more strung out than you've ever been in your life, which is really saying something.

"Terezi?" You try

Still no answer, but what did you expect really, you're talking to nothing. Still, in your drugged up state there is quiete clearly a familiar voice speaking to you, one you know but can't find the source of

_"Thats prosecutor Pyrope, to you"_

You look around until your eyes land back on the boarded up convenience store. In front of it stands a small girl.

She's young, much younger than you, she can't be any older than thirteen. Her hair is short and black, she wears a pair of pointed red glasses, and there's a huge, unmistakable grin plastered on her face.

Terezi

Her grin widens and you realize she must be able to hear your thoughts because she's been responding to everything you think but how can she do that?

_"Because I'm not real, idiot"_

You glare at her and she shrugs, _"you're seeing things again, you do that sometimes, remember?"_

You try to think back to the last time your head was silent and you find you can't remember one.

 _"And the drugs aren't exactly helping"_ she says

Your glare deepens and she rolls her sightless eyes at you, _"glare all you want, it's not going to stop me from being right"_

"How are you here?" you ask

_"I'm not, I told you, you're seeing things"_

"But why in the motherfuck am I seeing you?" You demand

She shrugs, _"I don't know, I guess I'm what your brain wanted to see"_

"Why the fuck would I wanna see you? You're a little fuckin bitch, you're the reason I'm like this" You spit, looking her blurry form up and down

She blinks her big pale eyes behind her red shades, not fazed by your sharp words at all, _"no, you're the reason you're like this"_ she says simply

"Thats fuckin bullshit" you growl

She shrugs, _"fine, don't believe me, I don't particularly care what you do"_

"Then why the fuck are you still here!?" You yell, your voice echoing in the silence of the city

_"I told you, I don't know and quite honestly, I don't care. I tried to help you, and you gave me nothing but hell for it for three years"_

"I didn't do shit to you" you say

 _"Really? You didn't do shit to me?"_ She says, raising her eyebrows above her shades.

Her form blurs and you blink rapidly, rubbing at your eyes. When you open them Terezi is still standing in front of you but she looks different.

She's taller and curvier, her hair is longer and her eyes are bare of the red shades. But the most noticeable difference, the one she clearly wanted you to see, is all the bruising and blood. She looks just like the last time you saw her, laying almost dead in that alley.

 _"Still think you didn't do anything?"_ She asks

"That shits your own motherfuckin fault" you say

She shrugs, _"you can think that if you want, I'm only here because you imagined me, or maybe you are just fucked up off your stupid juggalo ass"_ she says, giving you that grin of hers

You growl and curl your hands into fists, "shut up"

She laughs and your fists tighten, your fingers digging into your sweaty palms, "what's so fuckin funny?"

She stops laughing and looks at you, still smiling, _"you, you think you can make me shut up? Go ahead, make me shut up, I dare you Gamzee"_

You raise your fist, "I said shut up"

She doesn't look scared, not at all, in fact her smile widens, _"like I said, go ahead, make me"_

You swing your fist right at her face, expecting your knuckles to hit flesh. You want to bruise, you want to draw blood, you want to hurt her. But your fist hits nothing but air and when you look around there's no one there, only the dark empty streets. You really were talking to nothing. That fucking bitch.

"Fuck!" You yell, slamming your fist into one of the boarded up windows of the convenience store. Pain shoots up your hand but you barely register it before you're running again.

You end up back at your apartment and you push your way inside, slamming the door behind you. You go to your bedroom and dig through the drawers, throwing clothes and pill bottle and empty beer cans out of your way until you find it, a syringe.

You hold the small thing in your hand, looking at it in the dim moonlight that leaks through the closed blinds. You stole this from the pharmacy Kanya works in a few months ago but you haven't used it yet. Well, no time like the present. You grit your teeth, plunge it into your arm, and press the stopper.

It burns but you feel it almost immediately as a calm washes over your whole body, running through your veins like liquid sleep.

You walk over to the window and drop to the floor, letting the needle fall into the mess of clothes and beer cans on the floor.

This is good, life is good.

At least that's what you tell yourself as everything goes black.

And then there's nothing.

 

 

 


	21. the draining light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The light was draining out of the room, going back through the window where it had come from.”  
> ― Raymond Carver  
>   
> Terezi and Rose learn that support can come from some unlikely places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are cool I guess, I still want to move out but I don't really have the money for that rn so yeah, gonna have to wait on that. But good news is when I do I have people to live with (the friend I stayed with last year when shit was bad at home and our other friend). We're all mentally fucked broke girls who dropped out of school so its all good.

**John**

It’s cold in the waiting room  
Beside you Terezi is sitting up in bed eating the blue jello you brought her from the hospital cafeteria and looking tired but relaxed. Vriska went home to take a shower and bring Terezi back some more clothes, leaving you to stay with her.

There’s a noise down the hall, two voices talking loudly and then two people are pushing their way into the room  
The first one is a girl, she's short and curvy like Terezi and they have very similar features but this girls thick black hair is a bit longer and her eyes are blue green behind a pair of red shades much like the ones Terezi used to wear.  
She must be Terezi’s sister  
“Latula?” Terezi asks  
The girl gives her a huge smile but looks to be keeping herself from crying “agi yong!”  
Terezi’s face breaks into a grin “keun yong!”  
The girl runs over and throws her arms around Terezi  
Terezi winces but keeps a shaky smile on her face, “ah, Tula” she says Latula gasps and quickly lets go, “oh shit rad girl I’m sorry”  
Terezi smiles through a grimace, “it’s cool”  
Terezi looks up at the boy behind Latula who is both ridiculously tall and skinny with messy black hair that falls down to cover his eyes and terrible slouching posture  
“Hey Tuna, long time no see” she says, giving him a hug grin  
He matches it with a grin of his own filled with crooked and missing teeth and laughs, weird and shaky but loud, almost too loud  
“Good to see you too” he says. He has a wicked lisp.  
Terezi turns back to Latula and she looks over at you  
“Who’s this?” She asks, and you’re a bit taken aback by just how intense her gaze is. It's like Terezi times ten.  
“Oh this is John, he’s a nerd” Terezi says, waving a hand in your direction  
“Hey-” you start but Latula interrupts you by leaning across the hospital bed and offering her hand  
You take it and she shakes it with a painfully tight grip, “nice to meet you John, I’m Latula and this is my boyfriend Mituna” she says, thankfully letting go of your hand to gesture at boy behind her  
“Uh, nice to meet you too” you say, rubbing your hand and nodding towards Mituna  
“So when did you get home?” Terezi asks, “I thought you were staying in Seoul for the year”  
“We are but there’s no way I’m not comin to see my little sister when she’s in the hospital” she says  
Terezi looks down quickly at her hands, “you didn’t have to”  
“Fuck yeah I did” she says  
“Well there’s really not much to do here. I woke up earlier this week. The doctors said I’m okay I just have to stay here until the end of this week”  
“You know that’s not true” Latula says, suddenly looking serious. Terezi looks down at her hands.  
“Terezi, do I need to kick some juggalo ass, is that what this is?”  
Terezi’s eyes widen and she shakes her head, “no, no it has nothing to do with him”  
You raise your eyebrows involuntarily and glance down but not before Latula catches your eyes  
She looks at you hard  
“Yo, John” she says  
“…yeah?” You ask  
“Do I gotta kick some juggalo ass?”  
“Uuuhhh-” you start but you’re cut off by another voice  
“No”  
All of you turn at once to face the door, except Mituna who doesn’t react until a few moments later  
The speaker is a small, plump girl with wild black hair and familiar green eyes, she stands in the door smiling nervously through a cleft lip. Her voice is loud, too loud, like she can't hear her volume.  
“Meulin?” Latula says, straightening up and turning towards her  
“Oh, hi Latula” she says, “I’m sorry to interrupt but we have some news that we think you should hear”  
We?  
She steps aside and an absurdly tall man, even taller than Mituna, ducks through the door and straightens up beside her  
His features are sharp and delicate, his eyes are narrowed but bright and his hair is somehow both perfect and a mess  
He’s also very, very familiar  
There’s an awkward silence before Latula breaks it  
“Kurloz…”  
A hand grabs your wrist painfully tight and you look up to see Terezi shaking, eyes fixed on Kurloz  
“Woah Terezi” you say, putting your hand on her shoulder  
“Don’t touch me!” She yells, pushing you away and hugging herself  
She’s shaking badly now, “don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me” she says over and over, each one more of a sob  
At the door Muelin's eyes widen and and she looks between Terezi and Kurloz  
In the other side of the bed Latula stands, her hands in fists, glaring at Kurloz "what the hell are you doing here?”  
Kurloz doesn’t say anything he just stares at her  
“Look at what your brother did to her!” She yells, gesturing to Terezi  
Terezi flinches and starts to sob, “get him out”  
Latula looks at Terezi with pain on her face and then back at Kurloz, “get the hell out of here!” She yells, pointing to the door  
With one last look at Terezi that you could swear was actually remorseful he signs something quickly to Meulin, nods to Latula and leaves the room leaving Meulin standing awkwardly in the door  
“Come her, rad girl, you’re okay, he’s gone” Latula says, pulling Terezi into a hug  
“I’m so sorry, we didn’t know seeing him would do that to her or he never would have come, we just needed to-”  
“what!? You needed to what!?” Latula asks  
Meulin bites her lip, “I think it would be best if I spoke to you…” She glances at the still shaking Terezi and then back at Latula, “in private”  
Latula looks at her for a long time before gently detaching herself from Terezi and walking over to the door  
Terezi moves to lean against you and you hold her awkwardly as they go outside. You can see them talking for a minute or so, Kurloz's hands flying fast in sign language with Meulin translating and by the end Latula has hugged her as well as Kurloz  
The two disappear down the hallway and Latula comes back into the room with a serious expression on her face  
“What happened?” You ask  
She doesn’t answer you, instead she says to Terezi, “come on rad girl it’s okay, he’s gone, you’re okay”  
Slowly and shakily Terezi lowers her hands from her face and looks up at her sister through bleary eyes  
She wipes her eyes on the bed sheet before straightening up  
“Tell me what they came here for” she says  
You look at Latula across the room and the look in her eyes tells you that it can't be good  
"It's about Gamzee, he’s…”  
“Dead” Terezi finishes, her bruised face blank of any emotion  
Latula looks at you in uncomfortable surprise, “um, yes he…”  
“Overdosed”  
Now you and Latula can’t hide your surprise  
“How did you?-”  
“What, you think I can’t read sign language?” She asks, raising an eyebrow  
Latula looks surprised, “well Tez I mean…”  
“You would be right, I can’t, I’m blind dummy” she says, forcing a smile  
“Then how did you know?” Latula asks  
“Because I know Gamzee”  
“So is he really dead?” You ask  
They both look at you and Latula averts her eyes, “yes…they found him this morning”  
Something in her tone isn’t right, she isn’t telling the whole truth but Terezi doesn’t say another word about Gamzee, instead she lays down to try to get some rest and Latula and Mituna go out into the waiting room  
You say you’re going back to your apartment to get Vriska, and you will, but first you need to check something  
You walk down the empty hallway which is unsettlingly quiet until you see that absurdly tall mess of dark hair. Kurloz stands with his back to you in the doorway, nodding his head.  
Meulin is moving her hands quickly to him in sign language and right now you really wish you could understand it  
You wait until they leave, ducking into an empty room as they pass, and then check in the room they were in  
Just as you thought there he is, Gamzee fucking Makara, passed out cold in the hospital bed  
His normally dark skin is sickly pale and there is blood seeping through the white sheets over his torso  
He’s hooked up to Ivs and machines that beep unsteadily  
Oh  
So he is alive  
You feel a hand on your back and you jump, turning around to find yourself looking up at Kurloz  
The older Makara just looks blankly down at you  
He’s got these creepy stitch tattoos over his lips and you wonder if he actually can’t talk or if it’s just an act  
He looks at you and then turns to walk out the door, beckoning you to follow with one long fingered hand  
He leads you down the hall before stopping against a wall  
From the inside of his jacket he pulls a pad of paper and a pen  
He writes something almost impossibly quick and turns the pad to face you  
_“So you know”_ is written in purple in sharp, strangely pretty handwriting  
You nod, “yeah, I mean I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about”  
He shakes his head and flips to a new page, writing something else before turning it to you again  
_“Terezi can't know”_  
You nod, “does Latula know?”  
He nods  
“Do you think he's uh, gonna make it?” You venture to ask  
Kurloz looks down and for a second he looks almost sad before writing something quickly on pad and turning it to face you  
_“No”_

 

**Terezi**

When all the lights but in the waiting room go off in the hospital you open your eyes and look around at the darkness. Your vision is more blurry now after the fight but you can still see colors and read body language.  
You know Latula and Mituna are still in the waiting room and John is no longer sitting with you so you sit up and carefully climb down from the hospital bed, disconnecting the Ivs from your arm. You're not technically supposed to do that but you know how to reattach them. You've watched the nurses do it enough.  
You wander down the hallway with your bare feet cold on the shiny linoleum floor before coming to a room that smells familiar  
You quietly push through the door and into the room to find someone in bed attached to even more machines than you and Kurloz asleep in a chair in the corner  
You carefully walk over to the bed and look down at Gamzee  
There’s something like sadness in you in seeing him like this but there is also the knowledge that he will never hurt you again and more than anything that means relief  
Still, you’re sad for the loss of the friend you had for all those years. You knew he was already gone but at least if he was alive you always had a chance to bring him back. Then again, it’s trying to do that that almost got you killed  
You think about trying to shake him awake before you realize he probably won’t wake up and that you shouldn’t talk to him even if you could  
Still  
You need to say something  
You stand there quietly beside him, speaking softly to a person who can’t even hear you  
“Gamzee…I’m s- no, I’m not sorry, this isn’t my fault, this is yours. It’s your fault for doing the drugs, it’s your fault for hurting me, it’s your fault for not letting me help you. But I am sorry this had to happen. I don’t know if you’ll make it, maybe you will, but I’m not going to hope that you do. …I didn’t want you to die but, I guess you died a long time ago, whoever you are now well, I won’t miss him” you take a deep breath and feel the pain of tears but none come  
“I’ll miss you though, the real you, but I know you’re not that person anymore, you haven’t been for a long time, you’re not the one I want to say goodbye to but I guess…goodbye Gamzee”  
You’re shaking by the end of it and you feel choked like you’re going to cry but nothing will come out  
There’s a hand on your shoulder suddenly and you jump, putting your hands up to cover your face and starting to shake  
The hand retreats and you find yourself peaking through your hands to see a face very similar to the boy that’s laying in the bed  
“Kurloz…”  
He straightens up and heads for the chairs he was sitting in by the window  
He sits down and you carefully take a seat beside him. Now that you know it's him and not Gamzee you don't feel like you can't breath like you did back in your room when he first walked in. Kurloz had his share fuck ups, like deafening Meulin and voluntarily going mute, but he wasn't Gamzee, he tried to help you. Too bad you didn't listen.  
He takes his pad of paper off the table and writes something quickly and smoothly with his purple pen before turning it to face you  
_“I’m sorry”_  
You shake your head, “it wasn’t your fault” you say quietly  
He shakes his head, nodding  
“You didn’t do this to me” you say, pointing to your deeply bruised face  
He looks at you and it seems there’s almost pain there in his blank expression  
He writes something and turns it to you  
_“I didn’t stop him”_  
You look at the floor, “neither did I”  
You want to cry, to let this pain in your chest out but you just can’t, you can't cry for him, you won't  
Kurloz puts a hand on your shoulder and shakes his head again  
He writes something else on the pad  
_“That’s not your fault”_  
He flips the page and writes more  
_“You did all you could for him”_  
More writing  
_“Sometimes you just have to watch as someone you love breaks apart”_  
At that, those same words you've heard from so many different people, your eyes do fill with tears  
They’re not for Gamzee, they’re not for anyone really, but still you cry  
On impulse you lean forward and wrap your arms around Kurloz  
He holds you back gently and you’re reminded of when you were kids, back when he used to talk. Back before everything went to shit.  
You’re reminded of a better time, a time that's dying with the boy in the hospital bed beside you

 

**Rose**

The liquid tastes like shit going down but what the fuck else can you really expect from eight dollar vodka

As bad as it tastes going down you know all too well that it tastes even worse coming back up. But you're not worrying about that right now. Right now you're drinking yourself into oblivion as your phone hums on the worn black material of the couch beside you.

You know Kanaya is looking for you, but you don't want her to find you, which is why you're sat on a dirty couch in upper level of The Void, drinking vodka straight from the bottle you picked up on your way here.

Dave always liked these couches, he said they were more comfortable than his mattress. Whenever you went to shows here he would hang upstairs with everyone's bags while the rest of you stood in the crowd.

Dave hasn't talked to you since the day he found you throwing up in your bathroom, and that was two days ago.

You sigh and look at the bottle of vodka in your hand. You wish it would work faster, you don't want to think anymore. You take another sip, not even fazed by the burning taste on your tongue anymore.

Down below on the stage some local hardcore girl band is playing but apparently they think hard core means loud and angry so it's giving you more of a headache than anything else.

Halfway through the bottle of vodka you can't see straight so you cap it off and drop it in your bag, getting shakily to your feet.

You can't go back to your apartment, Kanaya is bound to be there waiting, and you can't stay here, you've already passed out on their couches for the last two nights, so you do the next best thing, you walk on shaky legs to Spades Bar a few blocks down.

When you reach the bar, lit by a dim neon sign that's partially burnt out, you push through the heavy wooden door which has a piece of paper on it advertising some group called the Midnight Crew, and into the smokey darkness. The quiet jazz playing over the crackling radio is a lot less of a pain in your head than the band that was playing at The Void. The bar is empty except for four men sitting over in the back corner of the room beside the pool table surrounded by a cloud of smoke. They're all dressed in black and smoking thick cigars while shuffling playing cards and colored chips on the scratched up table top. It must be poker night.

They're talking loudly in what sounds like Italian. You've heard Kanaya speak it before but you don't know enough to pick up on anything. One man in particular with dark hair and a scar over his right eye is being especially loud, gesturing animatedly with his hands. The taller man across from him, who holds his cards neatly in front of his face, lays them down on the table and raises his dark eyebrows. The other man stops talking, hands paused mid gesture, and looks down at the cards, "fanculo!" he yells, throwing up his hands

The man across from him smiles smugly and leans back in his chair while the other man pushes himself to his feet "cazzo questo sto diventando un bere!" he says, waving off something the other man says as he stomps over to the bar and starts pulling down bottles of liquor.

You're still standing in the doorway, watching all of this happen, partially convinced its a drunken fever dream.

The man slams a bottle of expensive looking liquor down on the bar and looks up, meeting your eyes.

His are dark and sharp and very, very familiar.

"Mr. Noir?"

He frowns, taking the cigar from the corner of his mouth "yeah, what'd ya want? We're closed" his accent is thick and you think back to hearing that same voice yell down the hallway after Dave in high school. You never had him as a teacher, he taught regular level history and you took honors, but Dave always told stories about him at home. Mostly about the knife he kept in his desk and threatened students with if they didn't 'shut their mouths and pay attention to the fuckin industrial revolution or some shit'

You smile, "I'd like a drink, if that's quite alright with you"

His frown deepens and his eyes land on the half empty bottle in your hand, "looks like you already got ya self one there, Lalonde"

You look down at the bottle and then back at him, "well I'd like another, then"

He shakes his head, "just like you're fuckin brother, swear to god"

You grin, that's a yes then

You walk over to the bar, trying not to stumble, and take a seat at one of the worn down stools.

"What're ya doin here anyway, it's midnight, shouldn't you be in bed or somethin, not at a fuckin bar"

You smile, "I've got my reasons"

He shakes his head but pulls a glass down from above the bar, "how's Strider?"

You bite your lip and look down at your hands, "he's not exactly talking to me right now"

He raises his eyebrows, "damn, that kid don't get mad bout nothin, what'd ya do?"

You glance over to the bottle of vodka beside you and back at him. He nods in understanding, "ah, like your sister then"

You nod, "yeah, except she stopped, I only said I would"

"Well I ain't very well gonna sell ya nothin then" he says

"What? Why?"

"Cause, I think you had enough, you really wanna keep drinking ya got some right there go ahead and do it, I just ain't havin nothin to do with it" he says

You sigh, looking back over at the vodka, "no, I think you're right, I've had enough"

He picks up the glass he took down and turns back to the area behind the bar. You hear water running and ice being scooped and then the glass is being set in front of you again, filled with ice water, beside it is a hunk of ciabatta. You look up at him in questioning.

"You should eat somethin"

You try to think back to the last time you ate or drank anything that wasn't alcoholic and find that you can't remember. You take the glass of water and bread, "thank you Mr.Noir"

He shrugs, "don't be thinkin I give a shit or nothin"

You sip at your water and take out your phone, checking for any messages. There's a lot from Kanaya, which you already knew. You can't bring yourself to read them. Instead you pull up a new chat.

 

 **tentecledTherapist [TT]** started pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:23pm  
**TT** : you don have to answer ne   
**TT** : but in really sorry   
**TT** : im am  
**TG** : ...where are you?  
**TT** : bar  
**TG** : there's kind of a lot of bars around here Rose   
**TT** : yeah and I'm at ones of them  
**TG** : okay well Kanaya has been looking for you   
**TT** : I know   
**TG** : then maybe come home or at least answer her  
**TT** : I can't   
**TG** : and why the fuck is that?  
**TT** : it will make her upset  
**TG** : she's already pretty fuckin upset not knowing where you are  
**TG** : so am I  
**TT** : I can't  
**TT** : I have to gi  
**TT** : I'm sorry  
**TG** : wait Rose   
**tentecledTherapist [TT]** ceased pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at 11:28pm  
**TG** : god dammit Rose   
**turntechGodhead [TG]** has left the chat 

 

You spend the rest of the night at the bar, sleeping off the vodka in one of the booths while Jack and his crew play poker.

By the time you're woken up again morning light is streaming into the bar and there's an unintelligible hum of voices and clinking glasses all around you.

You squint up at the blurry person who woke you up and rub your eyes, blinking until they come into focus.

"Karkat?" You say

"Did you sleep here?" He asks

You bite your lip, "...maybe, what time is it?" You ask, pushing yourself up. Your head is pounding and the noise in the bar around you is not helping.

"8:00 in the morning, what the fuck are you doing here?" He asks

"I came in for a drink last night" you say

He frowns, "Kanaya's been looking for you"

"I know"

"Then go the fuck home" he says

You shake your head, looking down at your dirty bare feet. You don't remember what happened to your shoes, you vaguely remember one of them breaking on your way over here, "I can't"

He rolls his eyes, "Jesus fuck, come on" he says

"What? Where?" You ask

"To fucking Narnia, where the hell do you think?"

"Karkat I can't go back there, Kanaya can't see me like this" you say, something like desperation pushing its way into your voice

"I'm not taking you to your apartment, I'm taking you to mine" he says

"But Dave-"

"Dave's at the hospital"

You sigh, running a hand through your hair. Yeah you really need a shower, "okay"

Karkat tells Mr.Noir he had to leave early and you make the walk back to his apartment in silence.

The tiny apartment is a mess but it's empty.

"I'm gonna go back to the hospital, no one will be here until later tonight so do whatever you want just maybe don't fucking get drunk" he says

You nod, "how is Dave?"

"You know, the same as always, upset and pretending he's not" he says

You look down at your bare feet in shame, "I didn't want him to know"

"Yeah, look I get it Rose, you have a problem, fuck if I don't know what that shits like my best friend was a fucking drug addict and look how that turned out, do you really wanna do this?"

You shake your head

"Then don't, fuck you're the smart one you should know this shit" he says

"Yeah, I know"

Karkat leaves to go back to the hospital and you take a much needed shower in the tiny mess of a bathroom. Someone really needs to clean up in here but then again your own apartment would look just like it if it wasn't for Kanaya.

Once you've cleaned up and taken some off brand painkillers you found in the bathroom cabinet you go into John and Dave's bedroom, which is even more of a mess than the rest of the apartment.

You cross to Dave's side of the room and start digging through his overly stuffed draws until you find something you recognize. You pull out the sweater and hold it up, looking at the purposefully bad mix of colors and uneven stitching. You made it for him for Christmas two years ago, he wears it to your holiday get together every year without fail. You smile and pull it over your head, it's cold in this apartment anyway. You find a pair of clean boxers in another drawer and pull those on under the sweater.

Once you have something on besides underwear you crawl into Dave's bed and curl under the comforter, it's the same one he's had since you were in middle school.

You close your eyes and breath in Dave's familiar smell, thinking back to the years you shared a room with him. You don't want to loose him, but you don't know if you can stop.

You don't know.

 

 


	22. just bloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "stay strong through your pain  
> grow flowers from it  
> you have helped me  
> grow flowers out of mine so  
> bloom beautifully  
> dangerously  
> loudly  
> bloom softly  
> however you need  
> just bloom"  
> -Rupi Kaur  
>   
> Terezi and Rose sit on the roof and Dave realizes just how much his twin sister is like his brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am coming to the depressing realization that I'm traumatized as fuck but I've been spending all day in the cafe at my work to get out of my house so it's whatever ya know. I read Milk and Honey in one day and it became one of my favorite books, it's really good and focuses a lot on abuse y'all should read it. So yeah, here's the second to last chapter, happy late 413, this is my fourth one and it's still just as fun to celebrate it with everyone.

**Dave**

You run down the street and pull the hood of your sweatshirt up over your hair to keep out the rain  
When you see the fluorescent sign for Spades bar you slow down and pull open the heavy wooden door  
The smell of cigar smoke hits you as you walk in but the bar is warm and full of people taking and drinking from large glass mugs of beer  
Karkat has off today but you’re not here for him  
“Yo Mr. Noir” you say, walking over to the bar where the owner, your old high school history teacher, stands on the other side  
He looks up from the counter he’s cleaning and gives you that look that says he's definitely at least considering stabbing you. Maybe it's the scar. Yeah it's probably the scar.  
“Strider”  
“You seen my sister around?” You ask  
“Which one?”  
“The twin”  
“Yeah, she was in last night, she spent the night in one a my booths and left this morning, I didn't want her wanderin around at night like that, why?” He says, nodding towards a booth in the back corner of the bar  
“Because I can’t find her and now she’s probably drunk off her ass somewhere” you say  
“Oh, is she supposed to be sober?” He asks  
“Yeah, she's  _supposed_ to be” you say, sighing  
“Shit kid, well she was already drunk when she got here I didn't serve her nothin, just got her some water and she passed out for the night” he says  
“Thanks for not serving her and for letting her stay in the bar, who knows what shit she would have gotten herself into. I just have to find her before she does something stupid”  
“Well I ain’t seen her since this mornin” he says  
“Alright, thanks” you say turning to go  
“Hey” he says and you turn to look at him  
“I heard what happened to Pyrope”  
You look down, “yeah, it was pretty bad but she hung on, apparently she's gonna be fine which is a fuckin miracle if you ask me, she got fucking stabbed and that wasn't even the worst of it”  
“What’s up with Makara?” He asks  
“Dunno, haven’t seen him since that night” you look down at your feet, “it doesn’t matter anyway, he’s probably in some flop house getting high like the fucking druggie asshole he is, I hope it kills him, fucker deserves it"  
"Never liked that kid much” he comments  
You nod, “me neither, not even when we were in high school”  
“He seemed harmless enough, besides being an annoying little fuck but there was always somethin off about him, somethin wasn’t right with that kid”  
“Well, he’s a violent sociopathic drug addict so yeah, there’s that” you say  
Noir laughs humorlessly, “well wherever he is, I hope he gets what he deserves. And next time you see Pyrope, tell er I sent my regards”  
You nod, “she’ll be glad to hear from you”  
“Alright now Strider get the hell outta my bar go find your sister go go go” he says, shooing you away with a bar towel

You exit the bar to find that the rain has mostly stopped, all thats left is cold wet air that fogs up your shades. Around you the city is all grey and washed out making you feel like you're walking through a memory. And maybe you are. It's going to get dark soon, you should go back to your apartment, but you really don't want to have to tell Kanaya that you didn't find Rose. You wonder if this is the way Dirk felt when you were younger and you would disappear for days on end, if it is you sure as fuck feel guilty about it. You should have taken him with you or at least told him where you were going, you should have done a lot of things that you didn't.

You sigh as you continue walking down the sidewalk. When you come to the building your older sister and brother live in you stop, looking up at the dark shape that obscures the sky. Last time you checked they were in Seattle getting your mom's ashes from Mr. Egbert but there's a chance they could be home by now. 

You walk into the old apartment building and climb the stairs, bypassing Roxy's door and going further down the hallway to stop at another door. You think this is the right apartment, you've only really been to Dirk's apartment two or three times and that was only when Roxy dragged you. You remember when he first moved into this building. Him and Roxy moved out at the same time, right after you and Rose graduated high school, leaving you and Rose alone in your house. They got apartments in the same building as close together as they could and moved in with Jane and Jake. After they left you and Rose moved out too, her with Jade and you with John. Later she and Kanaya would decide to move in together above the coffee shop she worked at and you stayed sharing a one bedroom apartment with John while working at Ms. Paint's diner.

You stop at the door and bite your lip before knocking. It takes a few knocks before the door opens and you are greeted with the sight of Jake English wearing nothing but a pair of green skull boxers. His green eyes widen when he sees you and his face breaks into a nervous smile, "oh, Dave! Good to see you chap, terribly sorry to be greeting you like this" he says, blush darkening his cheeks 

You wave him off, "it's cool dude, I've seen your brother buck ass naked before, nothing fazes me anymore"

He laughs, "so, what brings you to our apartment on this fine day?"

"Just lookin for Dirk, did he and Roxy get back yet?"

Jake frowns and nods his head, "yeah, he's in his room. Roxy went back to her apartment to help Callie with her homework"

"Thanks English" you say, giving him a smile as he steps aside to let you into the apartment.

You cross the small apartment to the door you know to be Dirk's and knock. From inside you can hear the sound of multiple power tools.

"I'm kind of busy Jake" Dirk calls over the sounds from the power tools

"It's not Jake" you say

The sounds stop and you hear a few bangs and muttering before the door opens and Dirk stands on the other side, a pair of protective goggles pushed up onto his forehead and a dirty rag on hand. Behind him on his desk you can see a mess of metal and screws, probably some mechanical shit someones paying him to fix. Dirk was always freaky good at that stuff. 

"Oh, hey" he says

"Hey" you reply

"Uh, sorry, come in" he says, opening the door all the way and stepping aside to allow you to enter the room.

You give him a nod and walk passed him into the room

"So, whats up?" he asks, taking off his goggles and setting them on the desk as you walk over and plop down on his bed

You shrug, "not much, just been out lookin for Rose"

He frowns and turns his desk chair to face you, taking a seat, "she hit the bottom of the bottle?"

You nod, "yeah, pretty much"

He nods, "yeah I figured"

"Hows Roxy doing?" you ask

"Good, really good, she hasn't even touched any booze, I'm really proud of her" he says, a small smile tugging at his lips 

You smile, "thats great"

"So, do you have any idea where Rose could be?"

"I don't know" you say, shaking your head, "actually I was kinda hoping you or Roxy would have an idea, thats kinda why I came over here" you say

His frown deepens, "I don't know, Rose isn't the easiest to read"

"Yeah fucking tell me about it" you say

"Roxy always used to say she was a lot like me but I guess that doesn't help very much, I'm not too easy read either" he says

You smile, that sounds exactly like something Rose would say, Roxy is right, they really are alike, you think

Your eyes widen behind your shades and you jump to your feet, "I think I know where she is" 

**Terezi**

  
Gamzee didn’t even last the night. Kurloz comes into your room the next morning to tell you. John is there with you and he looks helplessly at you like he’s afraid of your reaction but all you do is nod and thank him.  
In the end, you don’t cry for him  
You spend the day alone, sitting in your empty room. Everyone is giving you space and you're glad for it, you don't want to talk to anyone right now. It's not that you're upset, you don't know what you are, you just feel empty  
When you can't take your thoughts anymore you get up, detaching the IVs from your arm and grabbing the stuff that Vriska brought you from home. You get changed slowly, every part of your body still sore, and slip out into the empty hallway, closing the door behind you. You slip out the back door of the hospital and stop by the dumpster. All this moving is making everything throb but you ignore it, you've been in worse pain, way worse.  
You need to go somewhere, just for a few hours, but no one can know you left the hospital. In your pocket your phone hums and you pull it out, unlocking the screen to see who messaged you.

  
**tentacledTherapist [TT]** started pestering **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 5:45pm  
**TT** : hey Terzezi  
**TT** : you there?  
**TT** : oh rite ur probs still in hospital  
**TT** : nvr mind  
**GC** : no  
**GC** : I'm here  
**TT** : oh  
**TT** : did you get discharged or somethin?  
**GC** : something like that  
**TT** : hm  
**TT** : you looking for somewhere to hide?  
**GC** : yeah actually  
**TT** : come to my apartment, up on the roof  
**TT** : we can hide togethers  
**GC** : okay  
**GC** : I'll be there  
**tentecledTherapist [TT]** ceased pestering **gallowsCalibrator [GC]** at 5:51pm

  
Yeah she's definitely drunk. You lock your phone and shove it in your pocket, looking at the buildings around you. It's nice to be out of the hospital, cold as fuck, but nice  
You walk in silence to Skaia Coffee and climb the fire escape to the roof, trying to ignore the pain that shoots through your body with every step.  
You see her from a distance, a small shape against the darkening sky  
You smell the alcohol as soon as you get close to her and silently you sit down beside her  
She looks at you after a moment and smiles  
“Heeeeey”  
“Hey”  
She takes a drink from a bottle of what looks to be grape schnapps (ew) and looks out over the city  
“My moms dead” she says. She doesn't say it sadly, just as a thing that is. She is sad though, you can see it in her eyes.  
You don’t say anything, just reach over and take the bottle from her hand  
She turns and grabs your arm before you can take it  
She looks at you with hazy yet sharp purple eyes  
“What?” you ask  
She just shakes her head  
“I’m sorry”  
You take her hand off your arm and set it in her lap  
“Me too”  
“Dave's mad at me” Rose says, looking down, “Roxy stayed strong but me, I went right back to drinking”  
“He won't get mad, Rose, I don't think Dave is actually capable of getting mad”  
“He already is mad”  
“He's probably just worried about you, so is Kanaya” you say  
“Maybe” she says, looking down at her hands  
Another silence falls until you break it  
“Gamzee is dead” you say quietly  
She turns to look at you then, “what happened?”  
“Overdose, they found him yesterday and he…he died this morning”  
“Oh” Rose says  
She opens her mouth to ask something but you answer before she can  
“I’m not happy that he’s dead if that’s what you’re going to ask”  
She doesn’t say anything, sensing even in her drunken state that you have more to say  
“But I’m not sad either”  
She nods, “I think I understand that"  
"No you don't" you say because she doesn't, not even you do.  
You don't really understand much of anything anymore.  
"I mean in a psychoanalytical sense" she says  
“You sound a lot more sober than when I first got here” you comment  
She shrugs, “I fade in and out” and takes a sip from her bottle  
"So, are you just gonna sit there and get black out drunk or are you gonna talk to Dave, he's looking for you too by the way, has been since last night" you say  
She bites her lip and looks down at the bottle in her hands, "I don't know"

"I know what thats like, you know" you say

She raises her eyebrows, "really? I don't recall you having any addictions to substances of the intoxicant variety"

"I didn't but I we all have our unhealthy ways to cope, mine was staying with an asshole who hurt me, and I almost died because of it...you should think about if thats something you really want or not"

"Is that what you wanted?" she asks, looking at you with her pale purple eyes, "I mean it would make sense, you standing up to Gamzee in that alley armed with nothing but a shitty anime replica knife, if you wanted to die that was a fairly effective way of doing it without actually having to take action yourself, am I right?"

You glare at her, "I mean...maybe, but that doesn't matter now. I'm alive and he's not, that's the end of it"

"It doesn't end that easily" she says, taking another sip from her bottle 

"How would you know?" you ask, not meaning it to come out as harsh as it does

"I know what happened to Dave and I'm guessing you do too, I'm sure you remember all those nights he would show up at your house"

"I mean yeah, I had an idea what was going on, but you never lived with Bro right?" you say

"No, I didn't, but I know Dave. It took him fourteen years to leave and even then it was Dirk who actually decided to do it. He's the one that took Dave to the hospital after a particularly...nasty incident and told the doctors what was going on. It's not easy to leave, someone we love can hurt you but that doesn't change the fact that you love them"

You nod, "I guess so"

"Maybe you should talk about it"

You shake your head, "no offense but I really don't want to talk to you about this"

She smiles sadly, "I understand, it takes time. Dave still hasn't talked about it and its been five years and it's not like I haven't tried. It's not an easy thing to talk about"

You open your mouth to reply when you're cut off by another, familiar, voice "wow Rose, psychoanalyzing me even half drunk, you don't give up do you?"

Rose turns calmly and smiles up at her brother, "no, I do not"

He gives her a small smile and turns his hidden gaze to you, "hey Tez"

You smile back, "hey coolkid"

He takes a seat beside Rose on the cold concrete of the roof and for a few minutes you sit in silence

"I'm sorry" Rose finally says, here eyes on the bottle in her hand

"I know" he says, not taking his eyes off the sun as it sets over the city

"You're not mad at me?" she asks, looking up at him

 He turns to her, "of course I'm not mad at you, Rose, I'm just worried"

"So you're not done with me?" she asks

"Of course not, you're my twin sister. You never gave up on me when I was acting like a dumb ass, I'm not gonna give up on you. Besides, you're not getting rid of me that easily

She smiles, "thanks Dave"

 "We gonna do this shit together?" he asks, holding our his hand

She smiles and takes his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze, "yeah, together"

"You guys are cute" you say, smiling at them

"Hell yeah we are" Dave says, setting his hand back onto the concrete but not letting go of Rose's hand

"So, Terezi, how about you, are you going to accept help?" Rose asks, turning to you

You shrug, "there's not really anything to help with anymore, Gamzee's gone, thats the end of it"

"Wait, what do you mean he's gone?" Dave asks

"He's dead, he died this morning" you say and you find that theres no sadness in your voice when you say it

"Shit really, what happened?" he asks, looking at you with concern

"Overdose" you say

"Yeah thats...not really surprising" he says, "...are you okay?"

You nod, "yeah, I'm okay"

"So, are we gonna sit here all night or are we gonna get you back to the hospital?" he asks

You smile and look between him and Rose and then out over the city, "don't worry, coolkid, I'll go back, I just want to sit here for a while" 

Rose reaches over and takes hold of your hand with her free one, giving you a smile, "I'm up for that, I would like to be somewhat sober before I go home to Kanaya"

Dave gives you both a small smile, "lets just hang for a while then, I'm cool with that"

You settle into a comfortable silence as you watch the sun move down behind the tallest buildings of your city, your home

"Cool"


	23. home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You and I repent of our sins  
> Yeah, we feel so American laying in the road  
> Was a shoe-in for the crash of the day  
> And we're never going to walk away  
> Never going home"  
> -Brand New- [Waste](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etq57m1cvp8)  
>   
> We're all fucked up, but we try not to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of hsaf, I will be writing more for the hsaf au but the main story is finished. I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to finally publish the last chapter, I do a lot of work for not enough pay as a shift manager at the cafe and am still trying to move out by the end of this year but until I can get a better job my friend and I are going to try to rent an art studio space together where we can work and chill and also probably smoke some weed. I never thought I would write over 100,000 words but if I was going to do it for anything it would be Homestuck. Homestuck and this au have meant so much to me these last five years and have gotten me through what was probably the most difficult time in my life, I started writing this as one shot vent fics three years ago and they eventually came together into this 23 chapter story! So thank you to everyone who read, I hope this fic helped you the way it helped me, I love you all!  
> (it is also most effective to listen to the songs June by Tigers Jaw and Waste by Brand new while reading and also just because they are very good songs that personally mean a lot to me, enjoy!)

**Terezi**

You were officially discharged from the hospital at the end of October, right in time for halloween. Everyone got dressed up in the shittiest costumes they could dig out of the backs of their closets and squeezed into John and Dave's tiny apartment where you spent the night sitting around eating candy you got on discounts at the dollar store and watching the worst horror movies you could find (Birdemic was unanimously voted the best). At the end of the night everyone went home and you and Vriska stayed over, Vriska sleeping in John's bed and you squeezing onto Dave's twin sized mattress with him and Karkat, much to the laters annoyance. You and Dave told him he could sleep on the futon if being that close to you was really that big of a deal but after Dave got him more blankets he soon devolved into quiet grumbling and then sleep. 

It's the end of November now, right after thanksgiving on which you all got as high as possible and inhaled the food Kanaya made, you've been out of the hospital for almost a month, and the weather forecast is calling for snow. You sit at a table by the window in Skaia Coffee, since you went to work with John this morning, sipping a peppermint mocha and watching the people and cars passing by. 

In a few days you and Vriska will officially be moved out of your house and into an apartment with John, Dave and Karkat. It’s not much bigger than their last apartment, but its two bedrooms which will work for you. You’re used to sharing small spaces with a lot of people. It’s how you like to live. 

Most of your things are already there, Equius lent you his old blue truck again and you moved mostly everything in one day. You just have to settle last month rent and you will be officially moved out. You're lucky that the house was pay by the month and not a lease or you would have had to stay there until next summer because of your apparent tendency to stay in no place longer than five months. But Vriska always was lucky (besides that time her 8ball tattoo got infected but that’s only because it was a stick and poke she let Nepeta give her when she was drunk and sixteen) and you're beginning to think that maybe you are too. At least when it comes to bitch sisters that always steal your shit.

You’re going to be starting a law class at the local community college in January. You found some of your old text books from high school when you were cleaning out the closet at John and Dave’s to help them move and decided you wanted to go to school for what you used to love. You’re starting out small, only one class, but you think it’s a step in the right direction for you. If anything it’s not sleeping all day and getting beat on by your shitty ex so it will be an improvement from your life in the past year. Besides, Kurloz convinced whoever is in charge of his father’s money to give you an envelope full of about $5000 in cash, you figure as something of a thank you for not pressing charges against Gamzee for almost killing you. You don’t exactly know how you feel about the money but you trust Kurloz and you’re not going to turn it down either. Your plan is to use it to start paying for school. That along with money your mother had saved before she died and financial aid you should be able to afford at least your undergraduate education. It’s a nice thing to think about, your life continuing, not tragically ending either by Gamzee’s hand or by your own. 

You assure everyone but Dave that you're okay every time they ask but in truth you still think about what happened every day. It's hard not to, what with all the scars and bruises covering your skin and the residual pain left from broken bones every time you move. It’s hard to tell sometimes if the pain is really there or just the ghost of a memory of dark hands with your blood on the busted knuckles and a cigarette between the long bony fingers. The doctors said there will be some perminant damage, mostly to your eyes. The small amount of vision you did have left intact after your accident is beginning to fade after the head injuries you received in your fight with Gamzee. The doctors said that you will likely be totally blind within a year but you think that you're okay with that. In the end, the darkness is a welcome thing.  Maybe without your sight, you will stop seeing Gamzee in your peripheral vision. A hazy figure standing right beside you but just out of view. You know he’s not really there but it’s enough to make you dizzy sometimes. Other times you just want to take your head apart. 

Some days the thoughts consume you and you show up at Dave's door shaking and unable to speak. He lets you in and you sit together, just watching tv or listening to music and passing a joint on the fire escape (or more recently in the tiny bathroom you all share even though Karkat says no smoking in the house because it’s ‘cold as balls out’, in Dave’s words) while he waits for you to be ready to talk. The thing you like most about Dave is that its never really quiet with him, he's always talking about something. Usually its Brand New’s new album Science Fiction (or his favorite album Daisy) or whatever show you’re in the process of watching (currently you’re on Soul Eater) as he packs a bowl on the coffee table that he’s been trying to finish for almost 20 minutes but he can’t because he keeps getting distracted by his own voice. Its almost soothing in a way, even if you don't know what the fuck he's talking about half the time and you usually have to take over packing the bowl when he inevitably gets distracted. It gives you something to focus on thats not your thoughts. In his more serious moments you sit out on the fire escape passing a cigarette and looking out over the city and he tells you that sometimes all you can really do is forget and call it healing. You wish you could hurry up and forget.

Other days the thoughts are in passing. You're reminded of what happened by something simple, a touch on the arm, the sight of a scar and for a moment you can't move, you can't breath, and you feel it all again, but then you take a deep breath and let it out. You remember that its over now, he's gone, and although you know he will always be with you in some sense you also know that its up to you just how.

“Hey Terezi are you going back to the apartment anytime soon?” John asks, leaning over the counter to peer at you, rudely pulling you from your thoughts.

“Why, are you trying to kick me out?” You ask, raising an eyebrow, “that’s not very good customer service, John, do I have to have Rose write you up?” 

“First of all, shut up, second of all Rose is just a shift manager she can’t write me up she’s barely even in charge of me and third of all, I’m not kicking you out, Dave has just been bugging me to bring him a drink since like 8 this morning but I don’t get off until 3 and I’m not spending my half going all the way home just to bring that asshole a drink because he’s too stoned to do it himself and I thought if you were going home you could bring it to him so he’ll stop pestering me” he says 

You groan and roll your eyes, “uhg, fine, I’ll bring him the drink. I should go home anyway, we started rewatching Soul Eater last night and I really want to keep watching it” 

He snorts at you, “seriously, Soul Eater, that lame anime you guys were into when we were in high school?” 

You shoot him a glare, “Soul Eater is great, John, it’s not my fault you have horrible taste in cinema”

“It’s anime Terezi that is not cinema” 

“And anything Nicolas Cage has ever been in is?” You challenge 

He opens his mouth to respond, although you doubt whatever he has to say will be of any consequence, but a voice from the other side of the shop cuts him off.

“John are you going to help me with this or are you just going to stand at the end of the bar talking?” Rose asks, her lavender eyes fixed and fingers flying across the screen of the POS system in front of her as she types in orders for the line of customers looking for their morning coffee you hadn’t even noticed form. 

“Oh shit, sorry Rose” he says, immediately going over to help with the line of drinks on the counter. 

“Sounds like she’s pretty in charge of you!” you call. Without even looking up from the drinks he’s preparing he raises a middle finger to you and then goes back to putting the caramel on top of a macchiato

After the rush is over you exit the shop with a wave to Rose, a middle finger to John and two hot drinks in your hands, an eggnog latte for Dave and another peppermint mocha for you. As you step out into the street you pull your coat more tightly around you and hunch against the wind. The cold air makes your bones ache and you know that it’s going to be snowing soon. 

Your walk back to the apartment is quiet as you hold the hot drinks close to your body for warmth and try to walk as fast as you can, Tigers Jaw’s new album Spin playing in your ears, shutting out the world. It would be nice if it wasn’t so fucking cold. 

You hurry inside your building and climb the stairs to your apartment on the 4th floor. When you reach apartment 413 you balance the drinks in one hand and dig your keys on the plastic cherry key chain Dave got you out of your coat pocket with the other, using them to unlock the door. 

“I’m home!” You yell, pushing through the front door and kicking your shoes off in the kitchen. 

You hear movement from the living room and then Dave is sticking his head, which is completely covered by a blanket, over the back of the futon. His eyes light up when he sees the drinks in your hand, “you got coffee” 

“Duh dude” you say, padding over to the living room and handing him the drink. 

He takes it with a smile like a happy child and immediately sips at it, “egg nog latte yeeesss”

You laugh and shake your head, taking a sip of your own drink, “is Vriska home yet?” 

He nods his head towards the closed bathroom door down the hall from which you can hear Your Favorite Weapon blasting from her shitty speaker over the sound of the shower and even worse, her singing, “she just got home from work”

You look between Dave and the bathroom door, where you can hear a young Jesse Lacey singing the chorus of Seventy Times Seven “bad day?”

He nods, “apparently some old Chinese dude that comes to the restaurant was talking shit about her being half Indian even though India is literally right next to China but whatever anyway she threw a chopstick at his head and got written up” 

You snort, “I hope she got him in the eye at least” 

His grin tells you that she definitely did 

You shake your head as you walk over and plop down beside him on the futon, “she’s fucking deadly with those things”

“She’s fucking deadly with pretty much anything, dude” he says, offering you a pizza pocket off the plate in his lap. You accept and pop the pizza pocket in your mouth with a smile. 

“So, Soul Eater?” You ask, looking to him for confirmation that he wants to watch it. The way his eyes light up tells you that he absolutely does but he keeps his face straight, “course dude, I’ve been waitin on your ass all morning”

You watch one episode before you hear Vriska getting out of the shower. You glance at the screen as it displays the next episode, set to auto play. When you see Excalibur on the screen, cane raised, you wrinkle your nose “okay I am not watching an Excalibur episode right now.” You jump up off the futon and onto your feet, “I’m gonna go check on Vriska” 

“Okay, ask her if she wants to smoke cause I’m gonna start packing a cone now” he says 

“Only if I can have some too” you call, padding through the kitchen and down the hallway to where the bedrooms and bathroom are. You push through the door closest to the bathroom and into the absolute wreck of a room you share with Vriska. 

Two mattresses placed on either side of the window make up all the furniture in the room. The rest is currently in Equius’ garage as you haven’t had the time or space to move it yet. On one of the mattresses is a white comforter with rainbow dragons on it red sheets and a pile of colorful pillows and stuffed dragons. On the other is a mess of blue sheets, a black spiderweb comforter, multiple stuffed 8balls and Vriska, naked except for a pair of spiderman panties and a blue towel on her head. She's frowning at her phone as her fingers fly across the screen. 

“Damn put a fucking shirt on, Serket” you say, rolling your eyes that barely work anymore these days 

She rolls her own eye at you, tossing her phone to the side and jumping up from the mattress, “what, can’t handle my greeeeaaaat boobs?”

You snort, “what boobs?” 

She throws a pillow that you easily avoid as you plop down on her bed and watch her dig through her clothes. Beside her bed an upsidown crate from the co-op serves as a shit excuse for a bedside table. There’s a lamp, an ash tray filled with a mix of roaches cigarette butts and sunflower seeds, which she has been irritatingly into lately, and her speaker, which is still blasting Brand New at full volume. You grab her phone off her bed and pause the music.

“Hey what gives, I was listening to that” Vriska says, pulling on an old band shirt that’s so faded you can barely even see the logo and frowning at you. Of course you know that it’s a Tigers Jaw shirt, but that’s only because you were with her when she got it at a show when you were in high school. 

“Yeah because you’re basically sixteen” you say.

She flips you off but doesn’t argue which means she knows you’re right. Instead she plops down on the bed beside you and leans over to peer at what you’re looking at on her phone. You go to Tigers Jaw and select the song June their new album, Spin.    

 

_"Cruel one convinced you in his stillness_  
_In a dream, safe and harmless"_

"I didn't know they released a new album" Vriska says  
You nod, "yeah neither did I until Dave showed me but I've been listening to it since and its really good, this is one of my favorite songs on it"  
 

" _Unknown to you_  
_Wolf in sheep's clothing_  
_Hand over mouth_  
_His secrets you're holding_  
_I can see you and the ache you're hiding_  
_I'm here you know I'll always remind you"_

You move to lay back on the mess of sheets and Vriska does the same, settling against you as you both look up at the cracking white ceiling above you and listen to Brianna Collins' voice carry through the small room. 

_"Lonely one, I always knew_  
_The future tells a hazel view_  
_Gemstone, like polish and acetone_  
_For you are my sister sewn_  
_I know you like the drive home_  
_Breath deep, the knower's perspective_  
_You'll see how the rest of this is undeniable"_

"You know, I always kind of had a crush on her" Vriska says  
You glance over at her a grin, "I've known since the first time Dave played them for your"   
She flips you off again 

_"Hold out for June, it brings new season_  
_Vision is clear, your mind revealing_  
_Pressing the flower in the page_  
_Forever kept, a memory made_  
_Now you're so sure, you're always leading_  
_All the same words now bring new meaning_  
_I can hear you and I know you're singing_  
_"I'm here you know I'll always remind you"_

"How is shit?" she asks   
You shrug, "fine, what about you?"  
She looks like she doesn't believe you but doesn't call you on it, instead she just shrugs, "work sucks ass as usual but what the fuck else is new"  
"Well, Dave said he's going to roll a joint" you offer   
"Thats not new" she says   
"True, so is that a no?" you ask, raising an eyebrow at her   
She frowns, "of course its not a fucking no, I'm just being a smart ass"  
"I know" you say

_"Lovely one_  
_Four leaf luck_  
_Skilled hands built you up"_

"You know, you can tell me if shit isn't fine" she says   
You smile and rest your head against her bony shoulder, taking her hand, "I know"  
You feel her smile as she rests her head on top of yours and threads her fingers through yours, "good"

_"Hold out for June, it brings new season_  
_Vision is clear, your mind revealing_  
_Pressing the flower in the page_  
_Forever kept, a memory made_  
_Now you're so sure, you're always leading_  
_All the same words now bring new meaning_  
_I can hear you and I know you're singing_  
_"I'm here you know I'll always remind you"_

_"I'm here you know I'll always remind you"_

  
**Dave**

You plop down on the futon with your plate of pizza pockets and pick up the remote to turn up the volume on the tv. You’re watching Regular Show to distract yourself from how much you want to be watching Soul Eater, but if you watch ahead Terezi will be pissed, so you have to wait for her. You glance out the window with the fire escape at the grey morning sky and wonder what time it’s supposed to start snowing. You pick up a pizza pocket from the plate in your lap and pull your phone out from inside the pocket of your pajama pants to check the weather report for what time it’s supposed to snow when your phone buzzes, displaying a notification that tentecledTherapist is pestering you. You were hoping for a reply from John about the drink you’ve been bugging him about ever since you smoked this morning but you smile at the familiar lavender text anyway as you remember all the nights you used to stay up talking to Rose about anything and everything, keeping each other company in your respectively shitty lives. Even if you didn’t really get to be real siblings back then you still acted like it. 

 **tentecledTherapist [TT]** started pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]** at  10:25am  
**TT** : So, dear brother of mine, what are we going to do for our penultimate shared birthday this year, may I ask?  
**TG** : well first off I’m pretty sure that the ‘pentultimate shared birthday’ is 21 and I regret to inform you that we are only turning 20   
**TT** : no way, I had absolutely no idea   
**TG** : okay first even though you’re not like physically here I can literally see your face and it is complete lalondian straight face   
**TG** : and second I want it in the record that it sucks total ass that we’re only turning twenty  
**TG** : twenty is a shit age   
**TG** : like you’re officially in your twenties and you can’t even buy booze so you can forget about that sad as fuck fact   
**TT** : oh yes of course, no alcohol at a birthday party for two people who don’t drink, how awful that will be, the party is surely ruined!  
**TG** : okay smartass just cause you can’t drink doesn’t mean other people won’t want to. And also I drink, just not that much.   
**TT** : I’m not saying they can’t, in fact I wasn’t even referring to my past issues with alcohol when I said that, more I was referring to the fact that the liquor store next to The Green Sun hasn’t carded since we were freshman and you know it and also the fact that you’ve had a fake id, however unconvincing, since you were thirteen.   
**TG** : okay you got me there  
**TG** : but I kind of hate going there, that fuckin grocery store is a god damn cult  
**TG** : and also that means I can’t buy weed in the dispensaries for another year which sucks absolute ass  
**TG** : like way more than not bein able to buy booze  
**TT** : again, like you don’t just buy weed anyway  
**TT** : it’s not like every other person we went to high school has a flourishing tree business now or anything   
**TG** : Rose you know how I feel about that word  
**TT** : what word   
**TG** : tree   
**TT** : what do you have against trees, Dave?   
**TT** : personally I find them quite nice   
**TG** : I mean weed and you know it  
**TT** : oh   
**TT** : you mean   
**TT** : that dank ass tree?  
**TG** : Rose stop   
**TT** : but Dave   
**TT** : what it’s it that Mr. Dog says?   
**TT** : smoke tree every day?  
**TG** : Rose I am literally begging you to stop   
**TT** : fine   
**TT** : I will stop   
**TT** : but only because you begged  
**TG** : anyways, as i was saying before you rudely interrupted me with your bullshit. The main weed dude for like...everyone kind of just died. Or did you forget about that?  
**TT** : oh please, like you ever bought weed from Gamzee. You hated him and he hated you and you both knew it.  
**TG** : you act like I’m supposed to like the asshole that almost beat Terezi to death and also was a juggalo but hated ICP somehow? And did like...a lot of drugs.  
**TG** : Also aren’t you supposed to be working? I thought I saw you on the schedule   
**TT** : like you ever check the schedule, Dave, you text me every week asking for it   
**TG** : sometimes I text John   
**TT** : every week, Dave  
**TG** : well are you there or not?   
**TT** : yes, unfortunately I am currently at our place of work  
**TG** : can you bring me a drink?  
**TT** : no, come make it yourself, I’m on my break   
**TG** : but it’s my day off   
**TT** : then you don’t need a drink   
**TG** : I take back what I said about you being my favorite sister   
**TT** : oh please, like I was ever your favorite to begin with. You and Roxy get along almost inexplicably well.   
**TG** : well for the record you were actually my favorite sister but I guess since you won’t make me a drink I’m going to have to change it to Roxy  
**TT** : I am crushed, truly  
**TG** : so did you and Kanaya set a date yet? B)  
**TT** : do not emoticon at me Strider, and for this completely imaginary record that you speak of no, we have not, but we are considering this coming spring  
**TT** : I heard that you helped Kanaya with the proposal, I appreciate it   
**TG** : no prob, sis, what else is a twin brother good for if not to give your future wife all the wrong information?  
**TT** : I’m guessing the part about her ‘totally being in lesbians’ with me was your idea?   
**TG** : you know I never pass up the opportunity for a Scott Pilgrim reference   
**TT** : as you should   
**TT** : hey Dave  
**TG** : yeah?  
**TT** : this is purely theoretical but  
**TT** : if I were to ask you to be me best man, would you do it?  
**TG** : I dunno, sis, I got a lot goin on   
**TG** : as you know I'm a very busy man, got placed to be, people to see  
**TG** : but yeah I guess I could stop by the wedding to give a kick ass best man speech   
**TG** : ain't no one else gonna give a better one  
**TT** : how very thoughtful of you   
**TG** : right?  
**TT** : you're crying, aren't you Dave  
**TG** : what?  
**TG** : no I'm not   
**TT** : Dave  
**TG** : shut up  
**TT** : thought so  
**TG** : shut up!  
**TT** : so you will do it then?  
**TG** : yeah yeah if it means that much to you I guess I'll be your best man   
**TT** : thank you, Dave  
**TT** : I appreciate it   
**TG** : any time, sis   
**TG** : just let me know whats goin on with everything including our birthday since tbh I will forget  
**TT** : I will be sure to keep you updated but for now unfortunately I must go back to work   
**TG** : bummer bro  
**TT** : tell me about it  
**TT** : I'll see you tomorrow  
**TG** : wait why would you see me tomorrow?  
**TT** : because you close   
**TG** : ...  
**TT** : you didn't know you worked, did you?  
**TG** : yes?  
**TT** : do you need me to send you the schedule?  
**TG** : ...yes  
**TT** : every day, Dave   
**TG** : shut up!!!  
**TT** : hahaha  
**TG** : just send me the fuckin schedule already, Lalonde  
**TT** : say please?  
**TG** : fine  
**TG** : please  
**TT** : that is all I needed   
**tentecledTherapist [TT]** sent **turntechGodhead [TG]** a file 'suck it strider.doc'  
**TG** : thank you  
**TG** : I hate it  
**TT** : you are very welcome  
**TT** : now if you don't mind I really do have to go back to work now  
**TG** : alright I'll see ya then  
**TG** : thanks again for the schedule   
**TT** : you are very welcome oh eternally forgetful brother of mine   
**TG** : I love you too, Rose  
**tentecledTherapist [TT]**  ceased pestering  **turntechGodhead [TG]**  at 10:38am

Terezi brought you coffee home an hour or so later and you spent the rest of the night watching Soul Eater. Rose decided that it was best to have the party at your new apartment, since not all of your friends have seen the place yet. You said you were cool with that but that also means that now, a week later, your apartment is full of all your intoxicated friends laughing and talking loudly and eating all your food. You need some air. 

You grab the new jacket that Kanaya got for your birthday, a dark red military parka, off the hook in the kitchen and pull it on over your Tigers Jaw hoodie, listening as Jesse Lacey’s voice lilting the lyrics to Sic Transit Gloria fades into the background hum of people talking and laughing as you enter the living room, ignoring the TV playing reruns of Rick and Morty and eyeing the window to the fire escape. You adjust your red beanie over your ears and pat the pocket of your hoodie to make sure your pack of spirits are there. You haven’t fully quit yet but you do smoke a lot less, you think starting to smoke weed may have helped with that. You’re just vaguely drunk and feeling one tonight, it is your birthday after all, fuck it. 

When you climb out onto the fire escape you find someone already out there, lips on a cigarette you’re almost sure she stole from your pack

“Sup Tez?” You say, warm breath creating smoke in the cold air 

She shrugs and lowers the cigarette from her lips, letting out a deep breath of smoke into the winter air, “just getting some air”

“Fuck it’s cold out here” you say, pulling your coat tighter around you as you settle on the cold metal beside her 

She moves over to make room for you and nods in agreement, “it has absolutely no business being this cold right now”

“How long you been out here anyways, you look cold as shit” you say, looking at her bundled up in your Brand New hoodie and one of your old beanies with her big white dragon coat and one of Vriska’s obnoxiously long infinity scarves. 

“Dunno, probably like a half hour” she says, dying eyes fixed on the snow falling around you 

“Well do you want a blanket or something? I can go steal one of Karkat’s he’s got like five” you offer, “you probably wanna get one before people start going to sleep cause whoever is crashing here is gonna take them”  

She shakes her head, looking down at the cigarette which has gone out between her fingers, “I’m good, thanks though”

“You steal that from me or Vriska?” you ask, gesturing to the dead cigarette in her hand 

The corner of her chapped, cracking lips turns up as she follows your gaze, “you, obviously. Vriska doesn’t smoke spirits”

You shake your head and hold out your hand, “that’s because she doesn’t have any taste, gimme”

She wrinkles her little nose and pokes out her tongue but passes the cigarette to you anyway, “what lighter you got?”

“Defeater” you say, digging the little black lighter from your pocket 

“Haven’t you had that thing since we were like, juniors?” 

“Sophomores, actually” you say, striking the lighter and holding it to the end of the cigarette until it lights, “I got it the first time I saw them, I was sixteen and like...obsessed with Letters Home” 

“That’s when you started smoking, isn’t it” she says 

You press the cigarette to your lips and inhale, releasing the smoke into the cold air, “yeah”

“Was it because of me?” She asks 

You’re so taken aback you almost choke on your next inhale, “what?”

“We stopped dating...because of me and then you started smoking...” she says, looking down at her hands which you notice are shaking 

“Tez...we were sixteen, that was four years ago, I don’t give a fuck about that anymore. You’re like my best fuckin friend” you say, offering the cigarette to her

She takes the lit cigarette from you and takes a drag, sighing the smoke out into the air, “yeah but it was still shitty of me” 

You shrug and take the cigarette she offers you. It’s getting close to the filter but you bring it to your lips anyway, “and me ignoring what was going on with him and just dumping you because I couldn’t deal with it was shitty of me, everyone does shitty things dude, it’s part of being a person” 

She frowns at her shaking hands, “I’m sorry I’m so fucked up” 

"Nothin to be sorry for, we're all fucked up" you say, taking a drag from the cigarette between your fingers and breathing the smoke out into the cold night air "some of us more than others, but we try not to be"  
"Well I don't know about you, coolkid, but I am quite definitely fucked up" she says, a smile growing on her lips marked with healing scars as she takes the cigarette you pass her  
"Hey me too, ain't no one more fucked up than yours truly, but its all good, we can be fucked up together" you say  
"Yeah" she says, smiling as she watches the cigarette burn with her pale blind eyes, "together"

You sit in comfortable silence like that for a while, passing the cigarette back and forth until it’s dead. 

She flicks the cigarette butt over the railing of the fire escape and you watch it fall four floors to the street bellow 

“Hey Coolkid” she says

you hum in response, more focused now on the December moon, and she digs into her jacket and produces something small, holding it out to you with a grin that almost looks like herself, “happy birthday” 

thats when you take a look at what she has in her hand. It’s a small joint, the perfect size for two people, rolled in none other than green apple juicy jay rolling papers. You will never get over how good she is at rolling for someone who literally has no vision. Also how she found the rolling papers you’ve been looking for for the last year at least.

Your face breaks into a grin at the sight of the small joint in her fingers, “no fuckin way, where did you find them?” You ask, looking to her for explanation. 

She grins, “the smoke shop in China town, I got it last time I had to wait for Vriska to get off work” 

“You’re shitting me”

“China Town shops always have things you can’t find anywhere else” she says, grin widening “I knew you would be excited

“Fuck yeah I’m excited” you say, smiling openly as you take the joint into your hands, “you know what we need for this, right?” You say, looking to her 

She grins, “hell yeah I do”   

You dig your earphones out of the pocket of your hoodie and connect them to your phone, slipping one into your ear and offering the other to her. She takes it and puts it in her own ear and you lean closer together, shoulders touching as you light the joint and offer her the first hit. 

 

She holds up a hand and shakes her head, “it’s your birthday, I made that for you” 

You smile at her, “thanks, Tez, it’s the best gift I got yet.” You press the lit joint to your lips and take two hits before passing it to her. She takes the joint from you and you look down at your phone, scrolling through your music until, as is usually the case lately, you find yourself on Science Fiction. 

“Play Waste” 

You look up from your phone to see Terezi looking at you, the smoking joint held out to you. You stiffly nod and select the song, taking the joint and bringing it to your lips just as the barely audible voice at the beginning of Waste speaks and then, the scream

_“You and I were stuck in the waste_  
_Talking about our salad days_  
_What a damn lie_  
_But you and I are stuck like glue_  
_And that's the God damn truth_  
_Baby, bye-bye”_  

 

 

You glance over at Terezi as you pass her the joint. Her eyes are closed so you nudge her gently and she takes the joint from you without opening her eyes. She brings the joint to her lips.

 _“Well, you could turn to water and we'd all float on_  
_Give up trying to be someone_  
_Take your head apart_  
_Free your own heart_  
_You and I are stuck out of phase_  
_Always begging for some grace when there's no time_  
_We get no reply”_

You take the joint she passes you and look out over the city. As you take your hits you watch the smoke twist and curl in the cold winter air around you. You pass the joint back to her.

 _“Every night you were tripping out_  
_In the morning you were coming down_  
_If it's breaking your heart, if nothing is fun_  
_Don't lose hope, my son_  
_This is the last one”_  
She moves closer against you, leaning on your shoulder as she passes you the joint.  
_“You and I repent of our sins_  
_Yeah, we feel so American laying in the road_  
_Was a shoe-in for the crash of the day_  
_And we're never going to walk away_  
_Never going home_  
_I'm hoping that in time, you can lay down_  
_All this weight you've been carrying around and maybe one day_  
_You'll find your way_  
_To climb on up out of your grave_  
_With the bits of you you managed to save_  
_And for the last time_  
_Yeah, you say good-bye”_

 

You pass her the joint and put your arm around her shoulders, holding her closer against you. 

 _“Every night you were tripping out_  
_In the morning you were coming down_  
_If it's breaking your heart, if nothing is fun_  
_Don't lose hope, my son_  
_This is the last one_

 _'Cause every night had you laid low_  
_It's going to feel so good to let it go_  
_It's all in your head, your race is run_  
_Don't give up, my son, this is the last one_  
_This is the last one”_  

“Love you, Coolkid” she says, her voice so quiet you almost don’t hear it but you smile and pass her the joint

"love you too, Tez”  

 _“And he said, "You are not alone_  
_You are not alone"_

 _And he said, "You are not alone_  
_You are not alone"_

 _Every night you were tripping out_  
_In the morning you were coming down_  
_If it's breaking your heart, if nothing is fun_  
_Don't lose hope, my son_  
_This is the last one_

 _Every night had you laid low_  
_It's going to feel so good to let it go_  
_It's all in your head, your race is run_  
_Don't give up, my son, this is the last one_  
_This is the last one”_

**Author's Note:**

> How Sad A Flower is something I've been working on for over a year now. It started as some stupid vent fics written on my phone in the back of my friends car on the way home from the Chinese grocery store and eventually came together into one story. I chose to share it because writing it has helped me through a lot (abuse, mental illness, self harm, eating disorder, couch surfing) and I hope that reading it could help someone else. This story is about Terezi and Dave overcoming abuse and mental illness and is based on my own life experiences and my personal interpretations of the characters. Please check all the tags before reading as the content could be very triggering and I don't want to hurt anyone!  
> 


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